Monday, March 03, 2008

The Middle Finger: Peter King

I should preface this by saying that I really do like his writing. God knows that I am envious of a guy whose entire life is based around writing about the NFL. His Monday Morning QB articles are must reads for me each week during the NFL season. But I do have issues with him right now. Why on Earth is he still writing the article? The NFL season has been over for a month yet he still keeps cranking out long-winded pieces. And let's be honest, over the past month, it's all been drivel. It came to a head yesterday. His entire 5 page article was nothing but trash and stupid remarks. Take a vacation, sir. We don't need this stuff anymore, take a break. Go spend some time with your family or take a long walk through Newark dodging bullets and nuclear waste. Think about how much it sucks to be an alumnus of the cesspool known as Ohio University. Do anything, I don't care, just stop authoring bullshit.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the usually highly-acclaimed football journalist, Sports Illustrated's own, Peter King.

Let's just go through this, one by one, and discuss all the stupid shit that flowed from the laptop of Peter King this week. Since I am always right, I feel that I am more than qualified to dissect his work. Shall we?

***He believes that the Browns have two promising QB's locked up for the next 3 years. First of all, Derek Anderson sucks. The Browns played the worst schedule of all time last season and he still threw 19 picks and sat home for the playoffs because he couldn't beat the Raiders, Cardinals, or Bengals on the road. Brady Quinn embarrasses himself more and more with each EAS or Subway commercial that he does.

***Says that the Browns plan on using the 800 pound Sean Rogers at defensive end. There is no fucking way that Humpty Dumpty Crennel will use that wide load in a speed rushing position.

***Thinks that it's going to be fun to watch the Browns this year...ummm, ok, obviously he isn't forced to watch all of their games on local TV. I will enjoy watching them actually play decent teams this season and be back to their 6 win seasons.

***King doesn't believe that new 49ers DE, Justin Smith, is worth 45 million over 6 years. I could go either way on this statement, but if I'm a 49er fan (like sometimes blog commenter, burgei), I support it. Smith has a big motor and is easily one of the 5 best defensive free agents this offseason. I like the signing for the 49ers, they needed a speed rusher. It should also be noted that he was more outraged by this signing than the abortion contract offered to Donte Stallworth.

***He's shocked that Lance Briggs is back with the Bears. Clearly, he doesn't realize that athletes are fucking idiots. Does he not see any correlation between Briggs bawling and Kobe Bryant acting like a baby this past offseason? In the end, the athlete almost always blinks first in a staring contest with ownership.

***He goes on forever and ever about passing of Steelers legendary voice, Myron Cope. Let's be honest, no one had ever heard of this guy outside of Pittsburgh. I didn't even read the snippet about him. It's like when my grandma tells me about people that have recently died even though I have no idea who she's talking about. You act like you're paying attention, but really, you are trying to visualize how different your life would be if you could dunk.

***Somewhat agreed with MERRILL HOGE that if the Pats did tape the Rams before the Super Bowl, that they should have their title taken away. There is no excuse for even listening to Merrill Hoge let alone forming an opinion based on his beliefs.

***For the 502nd week in a row, he wished Brett Favre the best of luck in whatever decision he decides to make. Ugh, whether it be Favre, Tom Brady, or Peyton, King has got to be a professional deep throat artist. The way that he verbally fellates these three every week is embarrassing.

***He saw Juno this week and claims that he will see every movie that Ellen Page does for the rest of his life. Well, get ready Petey, because in 3 years you will be going to the XXX theatres in New Jersey watching Page and Diablo Cody co-star in A-bonement.

***He finally saw and episode of Family Guy this week and loved it. Way to strike while the iron is hot, Peter. You know what else is a great new show??? Seinfeld!

Well, Peter, you didn't lose a fan this week as I will still read you because I'm pathetic. But come on, we don't need this shit every week during the offseason. Enjoy your Middle Finger, I'll even put a streak of gray on the top so you know it's yours. Oh yeah, one more time, your alma mater sucks.


Anonymous said...

I don't think you ripped on the Browns enough. I am sure you could have pointed out what a shitty city it is or how the Cuyahoga River caught on fire. They were so boring to watch last year with their boring offense (I am laying on the sarasm pretty heavy).

I admit the quarterback situation is not as settled as a lot of people think. They are still both unproven. But signing Stallworth to be the #2 WR to go along with Edwards and Winslow, not to mention the great Jamals Lewis's, that has the making to be a pretty good offense. The defense also made serious upgrades. Rogers and Williams may not be great players, but they are significant upgrades over last year's bums.

Outside of you, everybody else in the free world seems to think the Browns did a pretty good job this offseason. But, it's not surprising. The Browns aren't the Cavs (still think Wally is gonna lead you to the title, huh?) so it's not surprising that you would dump on their moves.


GMoney said...

I don't think they are bad moves at all, I just don't think that they are great. I've seen firsthand what trading all your draft picks gets you...nothing. You get better through the draft, not through free agency. Why in the world would anyone use Dan Snyder's model for building a franchise??? It doesn't work. Free agents get paid and then they get complacent, draft picks play with something to prove.

There is a reason that Stallworth has worn 4 uni's in the last 2+ years, he blows. You'll be lucky if he suits up for 5 games this season.

I thought that Browns games were boring last year. So what? It probably had a lot to do with the shitty opponents. Ain't happening this year though...

flohtingPoint said...

The Browns last year were the Saints two years ago. You're dead on, they'll be back to losing seasons in no time.

For the 502nd week in a row, he wished Brett Favre the best of luck in whatever decision he decides to make. Ugh, whether it be Favre, Tom Brady, or Peyton, King has got to be a professional deep throat artist. The way that he verbally fellates these three every week is embarrassing.

It's for this reason alone that I can't ever read Peter King. He talks about the Packers almost as much as Bill Simmons talks about the Patriots.

Anonymous said...

It's not quite the same as Snyder. Stallworth, Rogers, and Williams are all in their late 20's so they should be entering their primes. It's not like they signed 70-year-old Deion Sanders or Bruce Smith.

I don't like giving away draft picks either, but it's not like they are getting older. They got younger on defense and your boy Jurivicious is retiring after this year so they got younger at WR too. Phil Savage for President.


stonybrown said...

Shaun Smith will never play a speed rush position. In the Browns 3-4, the rush positions are at the Sam and Will positions. Now, will Wimbley put his hand down for some sets? Sure, but Smith will never be anyone but a guy who's job is to eat blocks. He'll play DE and rotate at NT with Williams and Ethan Kelley (if he's healthy and resigned).

J Beanie said...

You really are stretching to find someone to give the middle finger too. You gave it to someone you like and read every week. That's a weak effort. I think you should give it to yourself next week.

GMoney said...

If you dig through my archives, I've already given myself one. I read Peter, but I don't like how he never criticizes anybody and falls in love with every player/coach/coffee barista in the league.

But you are right, I am struggling. It's a lot harder doing blogs from home, I'm in a lot worse moods while at work.

Stony, I'm assuming that you mean Shaun Rogers and not Shaun Smith.

hardawayhatesyou said...

Peter king also thinks 'The Cosby Show' could catch on.