Monday, March 17, 2008
I think that we all can agree that March Madness is freaking phenomenal. Everything great about the game of college basketball is on display for the world to see. You've got superhuman efforts from teenage kids, the pageantry of athlete's getting after it on every possession, and how can you not love a Cinderella team making a run to put their school on the map. But there is one part of the March telecasts that sucks. Yet most of the time, we don't even realize it. We can partially blame CBS for this considering that it feels like any time that the whistle blows, they take a commercial break. It ruins the flow of the game. But the problem that I have, isn't so much for the constant barrage of corporate garbage, it is that they run the same damn tired cycle of commercials that suck so much dick, that there is no way that anyone would ever want to purchase that product. And that's why this week, we here at The Money Shot are taking a preemptive strike against this bullshit.
This week's Middle Finger goes to the NCAA Corporate Sponsors.
Look, I understand that it costs a ton of money to have your product advertised during the tournament. Besides the Super Bowl, there isn't a more viewed event than the NCAA Tournament (might not be true). But if these companies are going to shell out a boat load of money to get their name out there 8-10 times per game, how about a little production value? Why not something new as opposed to the same ad you used the last two years? Let's take a look at some of the bullshit that will be shoved down our throats over the next 3 weeks and analyze how much these spots suck.
Taco Bell - Oh, great, the Cheesy Beefy Melt is back. And for some reason, that dumbass gooey cheese commercial also returns. First of all, there is nothing appetizing about people having government cheese hanging from their mouth. It looks like a freaking Ava Devine movie (and that is not good)! I find it funny that during the montage of random people enjoying Taco Bell (ironically, they never show the only people who really enjoy Taco Bell which is the drunk/stoned college kid), one scene is a rich couple eating cheesy beefy melts. Yep, that's what rich people do...pass up on the roasted duck for some edible laxatives. That commerical makes me want to vomit. Expect to see it about 55 times a day.
State Farm - Hey, this is my insurance company so I expect a little bit more bang for my buck. Instead, the retarded Coach K/Coach Jay ad keeps resurfacing. I thought it was somewhat amusing the first time I saw it. Now that I'm on my 3,000,000+ viewing and it's painfully obvious that Coach Jay doesn't get hit in the nuts with the pass, it's just a tad bit annoying. Here's an idea. Still use Coach K and Coach Jay except have me, a loyal State Farm customer, come in and light them both on fire. I could even end it by looking straight into the camera and saying, "You're fucking welcome".
Enterprise Rent-A-Car - Since someone at this company signs my paychecks for doing very little work, I am embarrassed with the crappy efforts from the Taylor Family's advertising team. Yep, "Moose the Idiot" will surely be back this March, heading to his college reunion for the third year in a row, and driving that same exact Cadillac with the same exact gold-digging whores. I can't believe that those skanks really think that that is Moose's ride either. I mean, do they NOT see the gigantic green "E" sticker on the bumper? And if they do notice it and ask Moose what that means, what do you suppose his excuse is? "Oh, ummm, the green E stands for the e in Moose!" I hate Moose. We all hate Moose. Go to Hell, Moose.
Others - I'm sure we'll see that weird commercial where Howie Long picks up a drifter out in the desert in his brand new Chevy truck. Little does that drifter know what kind of pounding his anus is in for. Coke will hammer us with the bizarre Grand Theft Auto style commercial, which would have been fine 5 years ago when that game was popular. Sweet Jesus, I hope that the DiGiorno commercial with Dickie V dunking while Bill Raftery is just hanging out thinking about onions is off the rotation. And I'm sure Lowe's will give us a spot where Jimmie Johnson picks Mexicans up in the parking lot and pays them in dimes to do work around his house. I've only been to Lowe's once, so I assume that that is all they sell...cheap Mexican labor. Correct me if I'm wrong. And how can we forget that CBS likely has all brand new episodes of The Big Bang Theory!!!
So there you go. Those 7-8 commercials are all that you will see during the 4 minute timeouts, 30 second timeouts, Dick Enberg strokes, and Gus Johnson head explosions. Thank you, faceless corporations for doing your best to try and ruin the best 3 weeks in sports. You truly do deserve the aforementioned preemptive Middle Finger. Maybe you can incorporate it into a NEW commercial. I think that we, the viewers, have earned it.
And one final thought, no matter how bad these ads are, you only need to remember one thing. One sentiment that reminds what our lives are all about. Take it away, Mr. Mellencamp...
From the East Coast
To the West Coast
Down the Dixie Highway back home
THIS IS OURRRRRRR COUNTRY!!!