Monday, March 31, 2008

The Middle Finger: Jimmy Key

I know what you're thinking from the title, what the fuck? Please, allow me to explain. I believe I've earned that right after 399 amazing blogs (yes, this is #400). Anyway, with the baseball season beginning this week, I thought that I'd dip back into my personal archives of childhood memories and spew a ton of pent-up rage that has been building up inside of me for way too long. We're going back to a time when there was no eBay. The internet was just something that nerds used. You could even get into Canada without having your ass torn apart. That's right, the beautiful early 1990's. This cautionary tale of sports douchebaggery stars a young, aspiring blogger and his arch nemesis, former Yankee, Blue Jay, Oriole, and probable necrophiliac, Dickhead Jimmy Key.

Jimmy Key, you've been ducking me for somewhere around 15 years now, but today your uppance has finally come. I'm going to enjoy dishing out this week's Middle Finger. Out of all the "birds" that I've given out over the last year, no one has deserved it more than you.

A little background on this epic tale; back when I was growing up, the family used to plan little weekend getaways to semi-close major cities when the Yankees were going to be in town. Such places included Chicago, Baltimore, and for the setting of this story, Toronto. So we're up in Canada for a weekend series, enjoying our stay, and trying to take in the new SkyDome and all the strange intricacies that it offered. Today, it is considered pretty ordinary and I will never call it the Rogers Centre, but at the time, it was a wild experience. I mean a McDonald's inside a baseball stadium??? Insanity!

Anyway, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I was kind of a dynamo at getting autographs from the players during my youth. I guess it was my incredible 12 year old charm. Trust me, those that have never been to my boyhood home, there are autographed balls everywhere. Well, somehow on this trip, my dad had found out which hotel the Yankees were staying at (I'm still not sure how this information was obtained, it may or may not have had anything to do with Alvaro Espinoza. I'm not joking, he used to get my dad tickets while still keeping his awesome look). At this point in my autograph-seeking career, I had realized that trying to get the job done at the park was a disaster, yet the hotel market was wide open. Seriously, there was no one there. You could have your pick of the litter.

So after one of the games, we head back to their hotel and are hanging out in the lobby (like I said, this was the early 90's, you could do anything), when the players come strolling in. I was all over the place with my Sharpie, just kicking ass. I had one last target, who just so happened to be having the best season of his career, and he was waiting for the elevator...Jimmy Fucking Key. He was just standing there by himself, wearing a pair of cowboy boots I shit you not, and our conversation went something like this:

Little Money: Mr. Key, can I please have your autograph?
Dickhead McGee: No, get away from me, kid.

My life had officially changed. I was no longer the same wide-eyed kid that admired all professional athletes and would do anything to get a signature. A part of me died that day. But, like I said earlier, it comes to an end now. It's time to bury that chapter of my life. I will not let you hold me back any longer, Jimmy Key. You stole my innocence once, assfuck, but now I have the power. I have a blog! My story is now told. Fuck you, Jimmy Key. You really do suck.

How in the hell does a pro athlete turn down what amounts to be 2 seconds from a 12 year old kid? I can understand it if I was a 50 year old man with a big stack of photos and wanted him to sign all of them. But I only had a baseball, a marker, and respect. I wasn't asking him to be my best friend...I just wanted 8 fucking letters. You know, I never had this problem with known crazy people like Rickey Henderson, Juan Gonzalez, and Raffy Palmeiro, but Jimmy fucking Key gives me shit. What is his fucking excuse anyway? How many auction sites were out in 1993? Give me a fucking break, dick.

Now, I know what you're thinking, what is the fucking point of all this? Why have you been holding this in for all these years? What are you trying to say? And you know what, I'm not really certain. But one thing is for sure, Jimmy Key is an asshole. And one of these days, I'm going to break into his house and get my revenge on him. I'm going to drunkenly stumble into his room while he sleeps and give him my autograph. By autograph, of course I mean that I'm going to piss all over him...much like he did to a certain 12 year old kid way back when. Remember those weirdo snake-skin boots I told you that he was wearing on that fateful day? Well, when he's trying to come to grasps with why he is covered in my recycled Bud Light, I'm going to shove those boots up his ass sideways. Whew, come on Money, relax. Let's take this blog home before the FBI comes knocking on your door.

I'm curious, though, do my readers have any similar tales of athlete douchey-ness? While I don't consider this story to be on the same level as my battle with Mr. Perfect on the mean streets of Toledo, Ohio, this event needed to be shared. At least for me it did. It's been held in for too long. So, once again, FUCK YOU JIMMY KEY...enjoy your Middle Finger.

You know that you deserve much worse. Never disrespect a blogger. You are a chicken fucker, Jimmy Key.


Anonymous said...

Let's see....

*Do really bad college football players who thought they were great count? If so...I have lots of good Lydell Ross stories.

*I had a weird encounter with Isiah Thomas when I was 16 or 17. A couple of buddies and I were at a liqour store in the Detroit area one afternoon buying some booze with a fake ID. Who's in front of us in line? Good ole' Isiah. One of the heroes of our youth. He ends up looking back at us and we had like three handles of Captain Morgans. The conversation went exactly like this and we still love to talk about....

Isiah: How's it going boys?

Us...pretty amazed Isiah is talking to us: Uhh...pretty good Isiah how are you doing?

Isiah (Looks down at what we are purchasing): guys are getting into that jungle juice tonight huh?

Us...thoroughly confused: Uhhh...yeah, yeah, the jungle juice.

Isiah...flashing his trademark smile: Be careful boys...that jungle juice will get you...oh it will get you.

He then walked away. It was incredibly bizarre and we are still left wonderring if Captain is referred to as jungle juice...or rum itself...or he thought he were making some sort of batch of booze. He wasn't a dick like Jimmy Key though...just really, really weird.


Anonymous said...

I forgot...I've got a story about a dick head famous athlete.

My Junior year in high school our basketball team that I was on, came into the season as a borderline top 10 team in the state. We had one black kid and a bunch of preppy white kids. So....somehow about two weeks before the season started we got John Lucas to come in and coach us for an entire day. The same John Lucas that has coached the Cavs, Spurs and Sixers.

So, his whole deal was to help us build some offensive and defensive sets to cater toward our team and give some individual advice. This practice lasted about five hours...this motherfucker...about 15% of it was him helping us. The other was him making is run...and run...and run. We could have gotten Harvey from fucking Celebrity Fit Club to help us run if that's what the plan was. Then at the end we are all basically dying and he gets in front of us and just goes down the list and bitches each of us. He basically told me that I was a bitch and the "coach's pet"....and this was one of the nicer ones. Hen then pretty much jsut got up...shook the hands of the coaches and a couple parents and walked out.

I remember all of us just sitting there and being like "that fucking coke-head alcoholic motherfucker". Cocksucker was supposed to help strategically for five hours and instead put us through boot camp and then proceed to berate all of us. I'm not sure if he was going through withdrawals that day or what..but I've hated both of his sons since then and I hope he falls off the wagon someday in a very embarrassing fashion.


GMoney said...

Fantastic! Isiah and Coach Luc!!!

J Beanie said...

Wow, now we know why G$ is mean and evil. Poor guy. I'm sure this was tough for you today. How many boxes of tissues did you go through?

I got one good story of an "athlete" being a dickhead. It was when the NBA All-star game was in Cleveland, what was that 1997? Anyway, my brother, sister and I went to that All-star Jam thing in the convo center where you could play games and what not. There was Knock-out contest going on so we all go in. After the first game, Lisa Leslie showed up and jumped in the game. Before she did, however, she bragged about her 100 point high school game and how great she was. During the knockout game it came down to her, my sister and one other person. Leslie missed her shot and my sister made it, knocking Leslie out. Oh, I forgot to mention that my sister 9 at the time. Leslie refused to go out saying it didn't count for some reason. Got back in the game and then won. She held he head up high and looked so proud of herself as the crowd boooed her. What a bitch.

However, my favorite famous athlete story is when I got to hold Carson Palmer's leg while he did a keg stand. Now that was sweet.

Tony B. said...

Erik Dampier...

I worked the Golden State Warriors basketball camp a couple times and occasionally the players would show up and ref games to give kids a thrill. I was coaching a championship caliber squad, until Dampier came in to lazily ref a couple games. That motherfucker didn't pay any attention to the game. And when he did, every call went against my team. I wanted to tell him that he was an even worse ref than basketball player- unfortunately I was paid to maintain a level of class, while he was paid to suck balls.

This was before his huge contract with the Mavs- imagine how bad he must be now.

Other players from camp:

Coolest player I met: Antwan Jamison

Player that brought the most kids to practice with him: Larry Hughes

J Beanie said...

Tony - let me guess, the kids could shoot better than Larry Hughes too.

Anonymous said...

I used to go to Browns training camp every year and get autographs after the practice sessions. I guess you could say that Courtney Brown and Tim Couch were trying to be nice, but they destroyed the value of the mini helmets I had them sign. The helmets were worth about 25$ over at Mel's sports cards. Now, they're worthless! Looking back, I wish they would have gave me a Jimmy Key fuck you!


Tony B. said...
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Tony B. said...

Beanie - it depends on who the kid's mom was and if they inherited her genes for jumpshooting and not Larry's.

Anonymous said...

One nice summer day Jim Etoll decides to take us to a Tigers Yankees game at old Tigers stadium. Good trip, until Paul O'Neil decides do be a primo dickhead and only give two people autographs of the three of us standing there. "Paul Paul can we just get one more, Paul!?!?!"

"Sorry kids no more"

Not that I like Paul O'neil or anything, but we were with Jim Etoll and we had baseballs that needed signed. This was also in the 90's!!

Jon Saul

jessegscott said...

I really haven't had any bad attempts or rude Autographs, For those that know me, Im a avid golfer and fan. Ive attended the Memorial like the last 8 years, Ive attended other events too, In which Ive gotten several Autographs from PGA and LPGA Professionals, Couple Memories that I can remember from the Memorial were. That Phil Mickelson makes eye contact with everyone he signs for and he will stay out signing for a long time till about everyone is done! Totally cool dude. Tiger is the toughest to get by far. Ive failed everytime.

One time me and a friend had to go to I think the mariott in Dublin to pick up our tickets for that day. and We were pulling out of the parking lot and we see this guy jogging. I said " Denny, It's Freddie Couples" Denny says, "Is It?" I say "yes, Lets stop him" So we pull up, Mr. Couples was just getting back from a morning jog(Was not playing memorial that year, had US Open Qualifier the next day in CBUS). Anyways, We hollar out "Freddie" He comes over to the truck, we preceed to bullshit for a couple minutes, then we ask for his Autograph. He didnt have anything to write with, being he just got done with his jog. So we search in the truck and could absolutely find nothing to write with, We were both pissed, Heres Freddie shooting the shit with us in the parking lot of the Marriott and we have nothing to write with. Since that day I dont attend a golf event without a sharpie. So kudos to Couples that guy is a true gentelman. Also when Me and my cousin were 14, we were in Vegas, playing Johnny Millers golf course (The Badlands). and we get there and Johnny is on the Driving range. So I tell my cousin, lets go up to him and watch. We walk up and the first thing out of Johnny's mouth was " Here comes a couple of young guns!" We were grinning ear to ear, We had just met the great johnny miller. Love him or Hate him after a couple minute convo. I have all the respect for Johnny till this day. Might not agree with his commentary from time to time. But I thought he was a cool guy, and Professional.

stonybrown said...

G$ - did Jimmy ask you up to his room that night?

GMoney said...

1. Etoll references are more than welcomed.

2. Easy, Jesse, we don't like to praise people here. Phil is a phony by the way.

3. Jimmy Key only bangs kids...but I wasn't one of them.

Tony B. said...

Tom Crean to Indiana? That's a nice pick up for them... maybe the Big 10 is on the way back to being decent.

Anonymous said...

I recently saw Jimmy Key in the Yankee offices this Old Timer's Day. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but no matter how much of jerk he was to you, his wife is really really attractive. I hope my wife looks like her at that age. Again, sorry if this is like salt in a wound, but its true.

Anonymous said...

I've met Jimmy Key on numerous occasions and he is one of the best to everyone. EXCEPT you??? You must be the rude obnoxious fat kid with an attitude IF he did that...or you are a give yourself the finger in your ass!!

Anonymous said...

You are obviously a very sick person and you surely don't know Jimmy Key very well. He is one of the nicest guys you would ever want to be associated with. Maybe he had a reason for not giving you his autograph (which I doubt he did). In any case, don't judge a person that you know absolutely nothing about. By the way, clean up your filthy mouth, it's not becoming.

Desperate TImes said...

Jimmy Key Rocks - how dare you give him the finger - Maybe he was having a bad day - maybe he got rocked for 7 runs in the first inning - maybe his wife wouldn't suck him off that day - maybe his grandmother died for Godsake! Don't dis Jimmy Key - You can't dis Jimmy Key - Cause if you dis Jimmy Key, then you dis me... and the Yankees... Jimmy Key rocks... End of Story.

Anonymous said...

Lttle money-

I just happended to locate and read your little personal tale regarding Jimmy Key!

I want to convey my only encounter with Mr. Key, which took place during the championship '96 season with the Yanks.

I was actually able to get Mr. Key to autograph and give me his NY Yankee warm up jacket after he was the winning pitcher in game six at Yankee Stadium against Greg Maddox.

I guess you were just an impolite fucking punk who thought he was entitled to an autograph because he was a fan.

Get a life you fucking douchbag! Don't blame others for your pre-puberty insecurities! Find something more intelligent to write about and be more productive with your time spent on the internet.

Fans like yourself ruin it for the rest of us who truly are appreciative for the professionals representing their respective sport!

Anonymous said...

Lovely website, I had not found this before during my researches! Carry on with the wonderful work!

Jordan Key said...
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Jordan Key said...
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Anonymous said...

I live in Toronto, and I was a Blue Jays fan because of Mr. Jimmy Key!

Polite, a true gentleman, a great pitcher, and never acted out like many other players on the team.

I met him twice and he was always kind to me and my little brother.

Asking for an autograph at the ballpark/stadium is one thing, but bugging them when they are at their hotel - their home away from home is borderline stalker behaviour. Did your parents not teach you any manners? When did your need for an autograph become more important than a player's privacy?

I would feel sorry for you, but you seem to feel plenty sorry for yourself, you don't need help with that!

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