Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Only Chris Berman would wear a sweater to the beach while dishing out a Mike Utley tribute" Edition.

***The funniest thing out of Canada since Dave Coulier - I hope you all saw that video of Patrick Roy's kid kicking the shit out of everything that moved in a Junior Hockey game. I'm still laughing just thinking about it. The fact that he broke free from a referee's grip, skated down the ice to absolutely murder the opposing goalie that wanted no piece of him anyway, sucker-punched another kid on his way off the ice, AND topped it all off with a double middle finger to the crowd...sheer brilliance. I first saw this while working out at the gym and almost fell down I was laughing so hard. Kids today are great. And I must give props to Roy's teammate for tackling the ref that tried to break up the goalie on goalie violence. A big sandy vagina to the opposing goalie who put up no fight whatsoever and curled up like a fetus while Roy whaled on him. Man, I really need to see that footage again. Hey, NHL, this is how you get people back to caring about your sport. More Little Roy and less hockey below the Mason/Dixon line.

***He's called his last timeout - News out of Oakland that shocks no one, Chris Webber is walking away from the league after a highly unsuccessful handful of games with the Warriors. Did anyone really think that he could still play anyway? Let alone with the fastest team in the league? Chris, I will always remember your crappy defense, your soft nature, your gimpy running style, hell, even your ability to get away with lying under oath. Job well done, sir, and don't be afraid to tip your garbage man tomorrow. Of course, your garbage man is Jimmy King.

***A better fit than spit and penetration - Ugh, that was a disgusting analogy, even for me. Anyway, the Dallas Mexicans are strongly considering making a move to bring in Pacman Jones. You know what, they deserve each other. Pacman is a truly objectionable waste of talent/skin. The city of Dallas was made out Jerry Jones shedded skin (get it, he's a snake and he's 4000 years old and he sucks horse cock). God, I hate the Cowboys. I hate Ed Werder. I hate Tony Romo. The Dallas area gentleman's clubs are already hiring more security just in preparation for Pacman shooting current bouncers in the spine and getting away with it.



***It still has to be better than the dreadful The DaVinci Code - Next week, Jose Canseco will be releasing his second book, Vindicated. Come on, just go away already. Word is that he is dropping dirt on Clemens, Maggs, and A-Rod. I find the latter two hilarious since he tried to blackmail Ordonez by offering to leave his name out of the book if Maggs invested in some movie project. The A-Rod crap is great because he never played with him and has even said that he never saw him do anything. He just introduced him to a guy that he bought roids from. You know what, I'm sure I've met quite a few drug dealers in my day and didn't know they were at the time, does that make me a crackhead??? Thanks, Jose, for reminding us yet again that you are an idiot. Oh, and Jose hates A-Rod because apparently Alex was trying to bang his then wife...fantastic. I guess he isn't gay after all, haters!

***He's going to look like one of those big fat twins that ride the motorcycles - This is old but I thought I'd touch on it anyway since yesterday was "Opening Day". What are the Tigers thinking exactly? Yes, Miggy Cabrera is a good young player, but he isn't 19 mill per year good. And the fact that he's put on 45 pounds every offseason doesn't make this look like a very sound investment. Is there a weight clause in his contract? Drew, you know any of the details about this contract? In 8 years, Miggy is likely going to resemble David Wells...if he was tied to a clone of David Wells. By the way, my baseball preview is coming at'cha tomorrow with special guest...STEVE PHILLIPS!!!

***One week later, he's still an asshole - Even after my pleading to be a professional last Wednesday, Chad Johnson has proven to the world that he doesn't read this blog/can't read. Ocho Cinco has been a no-show at Bengals facilities this week for some "voluntary" workouts that are mandatory but you aren't allowed to call them that. Honestly, this guy is a shining beacon for why racism still exists in this country. Grow up, please. The Bengals should just stand pat and keep him...fuck him. Chris Henry is a better teammate than 85. That backup punter who stabbed the starter at a Division II college is a better teammate than 85.

***My Grandma is somewhat hilarious - After work tonight, I drove down to the hospital to visit my grandma who had surgery last weekend (don't worry, she's fine, she's going home tomorrow). Anyway, my uncle flew into town from Boston and Fiance Money Shot were all in there as well. We're watching Jeopardy, making small talk, and whatnot when some guy comes in with a guitar. He asks if we want to hear some music. I didn't want to at all, but this guy likely volunteers his time to help sick people feel better so, whatever, I can handle a few christian songs on the guitar. He starts up with a crappy rendition of Amazing Grace followed by a 5 minute story about the origins of the song. It was not interesting. I couldn't help myself, as soon as he started singing the second song, I thought about pulling a Belushi in Animal House; it was terrible. He then gave us a 7 minute explanation about the second song's roots. I was, yet again, not interested. Then this fella asked my grandmother if she'd like to hear one more song and her plucky reply was "No, that's OK, I'm good". Hilarious!!! If it hadn't been for that junior hockey video, this would have been the funniest exchange I'd seen all week. Oh man, that guy was stunned...fantastic. Like I said before, I'm not going to hammer the guy for doing charity work, but it was the right time for him to leave the room...I just didn't think my grandma had it in her. Well played.

Back tomorrow with your gay lover, Steve Phillips, and some MLB preview...

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have zero problem with the huge contract to Miggy. For several reasons...

*He's the best young player in the game. He's actually ahead in statistics as to what A-Rod was at, at the same time.

*He only had one more year on his contract. Why even risk letting somebody like that pull a stunner and leave? He's an absolute cornerstone for the franchise now and they have him for the prime of his career. I'm happy they didn't pull a Cavs/Boozer.

*A Marlins scout saw him a few weeks ago and swore that he had lost 40lbs since the last time he saw him in the Fall. This shows that Miggy is working his ass off and making an impression.

*Magglio and Carlos Guillen are Venezuelans that he idolizes. He pretty much thinks Magglio is a Venezuelan God. So, I'd have to think that if Magglio says to avoid the mac and cheese...he will avoid it.

--Drew

J Beanie said...

Roy's video is the greatest video of all time. The fact that his dad was on the bench encouraging him made it even better. And as good as the beat down was, the tackle on the ref made the highlight.

Webber was one of the best all around players in game for a while.

You're grandma kick's ass. Now, if only she'd give the same advice to you about this blog.

Anonymous said...

1st time Blog Commenter here...

I was going to write just about everything that Drew said, but I will add to it.

*Had we (Tigers) not signed Miggy to a long term deal, the trade that we made to get him would have been a disaster.

*He is only 24 years old.

*If you can be fat and hit .319 or whatever his career average is, then be fat.

*He hasn't hit his prime yet.

*People were projecting him as the next 20 million/year man

Also, I find it hard to believe that a YANKEES FAN is criticizing another franchise for over spending!


Oh yeah, the Roy fight might be the best I've ever seen. That beatdown is up there with Farnsworth's beatdown of that Reds player that charged the mound. If you find the longer version on youtube, there are mini scrums with people beating the hell out of eachother all over the place before Roy even does anything! Good stuff!

-Dut

Anonymous said...

Canseco should know A-Rod's strength is natural because of all those shirtless situps he does in Central Park. Also, everyone knows that A-Rod preferrs Canadian, blonde strippers to cheat on his wife with, not Canseco's wife.

It is really cute how all these Tiger fans are getting so excited about the upcoming season. Their offense may be very good, but when you're counting on Kenny Rogers, Jason Grilli, and Todd Jones to be productive it's not a good sign. Tiger fans need to go back to sipping thier Mountain Dew and talk to us when thier team acutally produces on the field. Sorry if this hurt your feelings, Dut, but sometimes a dose of reality is good.

-Damman

GMoney said...

You've got it all wrong. You've got the wrong tone.--Gert B. Frobe

I don't stand up for many of the Yankees prior horrible contracts (I'm looking at you, Giambi). It's just that that is superstar money for a kid who hasn't really done THAT much in his career. I think he can mash, no doubt, but he is shaping up to be a DH and that's absurd money for a guy that won't be playing the field in 3-4 years.

Anonymous said...

Damman-

2006: AL Champions
2007: 88 wins
2008: Improved 3b, SS, 1b, SP
-and Pudge is back on steroids

How could we not be excited? Our bullpen does look shaky right now, no doubt. However, there is hope in Zumaya and Rodney, and they are also looking for a trade. Unlike Shapiro, Dombrowski has the balls to make a move if necessary. Todd Jones may not be dominating, but he sure does rack up the saves. We're counting on Todd Jones and you're counting on Joe Borowski. What's the difference? Who do you Indians fans think you are!? I can't wait to see CC in a Yankee uniform next year!!

*sorry to turn this into a Tigers/Indians debate

-Dut

Anonymous said...

As I have explained to you before, Dut, Dombrowski has about $70 million more to work with. If Shapiro had that kind of money, he could make some blockbuster moves too. He has to make do with what the owner says he can spend. If Dolan, the Indians owner, owned Little Caesar's Pizza he would be a lot wealthier.

You're right, C.C. will probably be a Yankee next year, but we have him for one more year and he will go out with a bang with a World Series MVP trophy as the Indians beat the Mets in six games.

Gmoney, sorry for jumping the gun on the baseball talk ahead of tomorrow's blog. I am just way too excited about the season. Joe Borowski for Cy Young.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Where can you see this fight? Go Tigers!

Jon Saul

Kyle said...

Jimmy King may be the garbage man, but Ray Jackson is Webber's plumber.

stonybrown said...

I'd like to see your grandma go toe to toe with Little Roy. Cage match and I'm putting money on G-ma Sack.

Anonymous said...

Am I wrong? Is this Dut fellow not a Cleveland Browns fan? If so, please stop speaking for the Detroit faithful.

--the Wig Master