Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, the "Only Chris Berman would wear a sweater to the beach while dishing out a Mike Utley tribute" Edition.
***The funniest thing out of Canada since Dave Coulier - I hope you all saw that video of Patrick Roy's kid kicking the shit out of everything that moved in a Junior Hockey game. I'm still laughing just thinking about it. The fact that he broke free from a referee's grip, skated down the ice to absolutely murder the opposing goalie that wanted no piece of him anyway, sucker-punched another kid on his way off the ice, AND topped it all off with a double middle finger to the crowd...sheer brilliance. I first saw this while working out at the gym and almost fell down I was laughing so hard. Kids today are great. And I must give props to Roy's teammate for tackling the ref that tried to break up the goalie on goalie violence. A big sandy vagina to the opposing goalie who put up no fight whatsoever and curled up like a fetus while Roy whaled on him. Man, I really need to see that footage again. Hey, NHL, this is how you get people back to caring about your sport. More Little Roy and less hockey below the Mason/Dixon line.
***He's called his last timeout - News out of Oakland that shocks no one, Chris Webber is walking away from the league after a highly unsuccessful handful of games with the Warriors. Did anyone really think that he could still play anyway? Let alone with the fastest team in the league? Chris, I will always remember your crappy defense, your soft nature, your gimpy running style, hell, even your ability to get away with lying under oath. Job well done, sir, and don't be afraid to tip your garbage man tomorrow. Of course, your garbage man is Jimmy King.
***A better fit than spit and penetration - Ugh, that was a disgusting analogy, even for me. Anyway, the Dallas Mexicans are strongly considering making a move to bring in Pacman Jones. You know what, they deserve each other. Pacman is a truly objectionable waste of talent/skin. The city of Dallas was made out Jerry Jones shedded skin (get it, he's a snake and he's 4000 years old and he sucks horse cock). God, I hate the Cowboys. I hate Ed Werder. I hate Tony Romo. The Dallas area gentleman's clubs are already hiring more security just in preparation for Pacman shooting current bouncers in the spine and getting away with it.
***It still has to be better than the dreadful The DaVinci Code - Next week, Jose Canseco will be releasing his second book, Vindicated. Come on, just go away already. Word is that he is dropping dirt on Clemens, Maggs, and A-Rod. I find the latter two hilarious since he tried to blackmail Ordonez by offering to leave his name out of the book if Maggs invested in some movie project. The A-Rod crap is great because he never played with him and has even said that he never saw him do anything. He just introduced him to a guy that he bought roids from. You know what, I'm sure I've met quite a few drug dealers in my day and didn't know they were at the time, does that make me a crackhead??? Thanks, Jose, for reminding us yet again that you are an idiot. Oh, and Jose hates A-Rod because apparently Alex was trying to bang his then wife...fantastic. I guess he isn't gay after all, haters!
***He's going to look like one of those big fat twins that ride the motorcycles - This is old but I thought I'd touch on it anyway since yesterday was "Opening Day". What are the Tigers thinking exactly? Yes, Miggy Cabrera is a good young player, but he isn't 19 mill per year good. And the fact that he's put on 45 pounds every offseason doesn't make this look like a very sound investment. Is there a weight clause in his contract? Drew, you know any of the details about this contract? In 8 years, Miggy is likely going to resemble David Wells...if he was tied to a clone of David Wells. By the way, my baseball preview is coming at'cha tomorrow with special guest...STEVE PHILLIPS!!!
***One week later, he's still an asshole - Even after my pleading to be a professional last Wednesday, Chad Johnson has proven to the world that he doesn't read this blog/can't read. Ocho Cinco has been a no-show at Bengals facilities this week for some "voluntary" workouts that are mandatory but you aren't allowed to call them that. Honestly, this guy is a shining beacon for why racism still exists in this country. Grow up, please. The Bengals should just stand pat and keep him...fuck him. Chris Henry is a better teammate than 85. That backup punter who stabbed the starter at a Division II college is a better teammate than 85.
***My Grandma is somewhat hilarious - After work tonight, I drove down to the hospital to visit my grandma who had surgery last weekend (don't worry, she's fine, she's going home tomorrow). Anyway, my uncle flew into town from Boston and Fiance Money Shot were all in there as well. We're watching Jeopardy, making small talk, and whatnot when some guy comes in with a guitar. He asks if we want to hear some music. I didn't want to at all, but this guy likely volunteers his time to help sick people feel better so, whatever, I can handle a few christian songs on the guitar. He starts up with a crappy rendition of Amazing Grace followed by a 5 minute story about the origins of the song. It was not interesting. I couldn't help myself, as soon as he started singing the second song, I thought about pulling a Belushi in Animal House; it was terrible. He then gave us a 7 minute explanation about the second song's roots. I was, yet again, not interested. Then this fella asked my grandmother if she'd like to hear one more song and her plucky reply was "No, that's OK, I'm good". Hilarious!!! If it hadn't been for that junior hockey video, this would have been the funniest exchange I'd seen all week. Oh man, that guy was stunned...fantastic. Like I said before, I'm not going to hammer the guy for doing charity work, but it was the right time for him to leave the room...I just didn't think my grandma had it in her. Well played.
Back tomorrow with your gay lover, Steve Phillips, and some MLB preview...