Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, the "Hey, (cut to a shot of Lou Diamond Phillips laughing) I just made that up!" Edition. If you remember this sketch from SNL, you are certainly enjoying yourself right now. I'm looking at you, Damman.
***Definitely bet against the Yankees on Thursday - For some retarded reason, the Bombers have signed Billy Crystal to a one day contract and he will be in uniform against the Pirates on Thursday afternoon. Dear Lord. God bless the Hank Steinbrenner Era. Although he brought us 61*, which was fantastic, Billy Crystal sucks. Like I give a fuck about the legend of Curly's Gold. When was the last time that he did anything? How is he deserving of some MLB action? Are the Red Sox going to do the same with Bill Simmons? The Indians with Drew Carey? The Dodgers with Alyssa Milano? My team sucks. I hope they let him hit though. I guess BoDog is allowing people to bet on whether Crystal will make contact. I'm betting no unless he faces Matt Morris. I guess this "signing" goes to show how little faith the front office has in Johnny Damon. I can't wait for Opening Day and hearing Bob Sheppard belt out, "Now batting, #00 Billy Crystal...number 00."
***The Frozen Tundra of Yankee Stadium??? - In somewhat shocking news, the Yankee brass has given the OK to the NHL to have an outdoor New Year's Day Rangers game be the last event inside Yankee Stadium. While I think outdoor hockey is a good idea, I'm not sure that the last memory of the best stadium in sports (yeah, I said it) should be an NHL regular season game. This is the freaking House That Ruth Built not the House of Theo Fleury's DUI's. Oh well, after the Yankees win the World Series on the hallowed Bronx grounds this season, no one will remember a random hockey game there anyway. FYI, my baseball preview is coming soon.
***So Randy Moss didn't hit that broad then? - The old skank that filed for a restraining order against Randy Moss, suspiciously during the Super Bowl hype, has decided to drop the charges now? Hmmmmm...could this have been a ploy instigated by Giants fans perhaps? Something doesn't add up here. It's like I have a Willard Tip Calculator and it's missing a 7. Didn't she claim that Moss hit her? And now she is content with dropping the charges...so what was the freaking point? Or did she take the Giants on a moneyline and wanted to do her part to ensure a winning bet? Look, if you don't want to press charges, then Randy Moss is going to keep punching whores. If that's the case, then Randy, come to my office and I'll show you where my boss sits. You'll know where I sit if you just look for the giant spotlight of awesome that shines down on my cube from 8-6 daily.
***Tony Stewart doesn't like salads, taking responsibility, or rubbers - I guess I should just say it again, Tony Stewart is gigantic. And yet again, he is shooting off at the mouth in between fistfuls of deep-fried scrotums. It would be easy to say that the best driver won. But it would be even easier to blame Goodyear for making, in your opinion, substandard tires. Oh I see. You didn't lose because your car had a 375 pound guy sitting in it. You lost because of a style of tires that EVERYONE ELSE was using. For fuck's sake, I don't even pay attention to NASCAR and even I know that you have at least one embarrassing blow-up per month. What a twunt (if you don't watch Rescue Me, it's a cross between a twat and a cunt). And even though Tony the Hut hammered Goodyear after the race, rumor has it that he covered a set of wheels with powdered sugar and devoured them before he left the track.
***All I want for Xmas is for Terrelle Pryor to either suck or break his leg - If he keeps this crap up, he may be bunking with Maurice Clarett sooner rather than later. For the SECOND time this postseason, Mr. All-America has insighted a near-riot during the Pennsylvania high school basketball playoffs. What a great guy. Seriously, we know the kid is an uber-talent, but is he really worth it? Do you want this egomaniacal prima donna destroying your team chemistry faster than Terrell Owens? Clearly, he has no class and is milking this shit for all it's worth. And to those of you who say that "he's a kid, let him enjoy it"--NO! There is a time when you have to grow up and be a man. For all the crap that OJ Mayo took, who had the same reputation as Pryor in high school, he's been fantastic with the Trojans. He finally gets it and you can see that. Fuck Terrelle Pryor.
***Mark Cuban hates himself - Well, Cuban should hate himself for taking part in Dancing with the Nobodies, but we all know that he has no shame anyway. No, Cuban announced that all bloggers are banned from the Mavs press room. Now, there are some odd bits from this. This means that guys who write for newspaper blogs do not get the media credentials that they have been getting for years. Also, CUBAN WRITES HIS OWN BLOG!!! Oh, so I suppose it's OK if he comes in the locker room then. Pompous ass. To quote the Doorman from Seinfeld, "You think you're better than me, don't you?" Well, I guarantee that I write better material than Cuban. But he makes better hdTV's than me...so he's got me there. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I have no desire to even go to Dallas so you can stick your press passes up your ass. Now go get me a Dilly Bar from Dairy Queen.
***If I had an extra $5500, what would I spend it on? - A copy editor? A new laptop? Some college loan repayment? Nah, if I was like New York governer, Eliot Spitzer, I'd buy a hooker for an hour. Wow. It doesn't surprise me that a politician got busted for diddling a whore. It does surprise me that some skank charges $5500 for an hour. Now I'm no prostitution expert, but I'm pretty sure that there should be something else involved in the service if you're paying that kind of coin. Is there a petting zoo involved? Do you get to kill her after the hour? Is the hooker "desert burial" service included? These are the kinds of things that we, the public, need to know! It's hard to believe that the rest of the world hates Americans when stuff like this happens all too frequently. USA! USA! USA!
I'm out, back tomorrow. And, again, I know that the timestamp says Tuesday...don't worry, I know how to run this classic piece of journalistic integrity. I don't care what Mark Cuban thinks.