Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, the "I just watched my alma mater drop 39 points in a game so you better step off" Edition.
***Will you take John Madden to be your husband? - Apparently, some gunslinger retired yesterday. I'm not really sure of the details as Sportscenter barely touched the topic. Anyway, Brett Favre is done...finally. I have to applaud him for making a decision so quickly and not holding the Packers hostage like he had been known to do. It is sad to see a legend go away. It is even more sad to see Packer fans being interviewed and acting like both of their parents were eaten by Tony Stewart. Get a fucking life. Get a fucking brat. As for me, fuck him, it's one less team that the Skins have to worry about making the playoffs because the Pack ain't going anywhere with Aaron Rodgers. You've earned the right to wear your Wrangler five-star premium denim jeans #4, now go enjoy retirement/Vicodin.
***Good news for the Raiders that doesn't involve Al Davis's death - I do feel bad for Warren Sapp. He is announcing his retirement as well and no one will pay attention because of the aforementioned Favre-love. I always hated Sapp (his cheapshot that damn near ended the career of Packers OL Chad Clifton was one of the most dispiccable things I've seen a professional do). Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like Joe Buck there. But there is no doubt that Sapp is a hall of famer and that he couldn't play at a high level anymore. Kudos to him for leaving before embarrassing himself. The Raiders made a positive move by signing Javon Walker. Wow. I can't believe that they made a good personnel move. It doesn't make up for that horrific Tommy Kelley contract, but it eases the blow.
***Aliens have landed in Boston, douchebags rejoice - OK, now I'm starting to think that Cletics can win it all. I didn't think that they could with just the Big 3, but Danny Ainge signing veterans Sam Cassell and PJ Brown over the past week make me think that they can do it. There aren't many players that are more clutch than Sam I Am and Brown offers some toughness off the bench that Leon Powe and Brian Scalabrine could not provide. Wait, fuck that, Doc Rivers is still their coach and Kevin Garnett is a joke as a big time playoff player. They aren't beating the Cavs or the Pistons.
***The Hornets locker room just got a hole lot more heroin-ier - Fantastic news out of the NBA that insane white guy, Chris Andersen, has been reinstated after his two+ year suspension. Andersen was expelled from the league for testing positive for a drug on the same level as heroin, cocaine, and/or crystal meth. What a role model! You may remember this zany fuck as the guy that took about 20 tries to throw down ONE dunk in the Slam Dunk Contest from a few years back. I will always remember Chris because of a thuggish fella that I used to talk to at work back when I lived in Cleveland. He had two priceless gems regarding NBA players, and these are exact quotes:
"Chris Andersen cold as a muthafucka!" and "That nigga be Brad Sellers". Oh, Rick Porter, how I miss thee.
***Yep, he's employed by the Red Sox - Nothing makes me smile more than when the Red Sox look like shit. Well, one of their scouts took embarrassment to an entirely new level the other night. Jesse Levis was arrested for standing at the window of his hotel room and looking down at some teenage girls in the pool. Oh, almost forgot, he was masturbating for almost 45 minutes. This is not a joke. A Red Sox scout was jerking off for the entire world to see. Red Sox Nation was already gay, now you can add "entirely pedophilic" on their business cards. You may have to squeeze it in after "Garbage Man", but I think they can make it fit.
***Nick Saban has a problem...he racks the disciprine - Coach Dickhead has one of the best recruiting classes in the country coming into Tuscaloosa. The only problem is that there may not be anyone living free come Fall. Alabama has a whole slew of off-field incidents with varying degrees of seriousness. Saban was asked about the issues with his teams poor behavior and his response was a brilliant, "I think we have a problem." You are eloquent, sir. He also added that water is wet, 9/11 took place in September, and Derek Anderson is terrible. Yes, squeezed one of those in!
***Americans are idiots - I'm not going to talk too much about it because political talk is for child molesters, lesbians, and redheads. John McCain was officially granted the Republican nomination last night/tonight. Whoopty doo, you have to give props to Mike Huckabee for wasting a shitload of money though. Good for you, Mike! It was a bad night for Barack Obama as well. Dear God, picking between McCain and Hillary is about as bad as picking between Ray Romano and Brad Garrett...nobody wins and nobody laughs. We all fucking lose.
I'm out. Blow me.