Sunday, March 02, 2008
As an absolute adonis myself, I try not to criticize the looks of other men. Obviously, women are fair game though. This blog doesn't like any "ug-go's". But that being said, we still have an awards show to do here. And much like the trophy that we here at The Money Shot gave out last month to Sean Sutton as the Sweatiest Coach in College Hoops, today we acknowledge another amazing feat. The least prettiest coach in all of college hoops. We have 7 contenders nominated, but there will be only winner. As Jeff Probst's cargo pants would say, there will be only one...SURVIVOR! I have tabulated the votes, Price Waterhouse Cooper has secured them, and now we unveil our winner of the 2008 Gene Keady Award for least prettiest head coach in the nation. Enjoy...
7. Charlie Coles, Miami University - It hurts me to put my alma mater's coach on this list, but I'd catch a ton of shit by leaving him off. Let's be honest, Charlie isn't going to be winning any wet t-shirt contests anytime soon. Although it's a nice thought. Whether it be the thin combover or the wispy mustache, Charlie is no Fabio. I won't say that he's ugly, but he sure is unpretty...and well-deserving of this recognition. Hope you're feeling better, Coach Coles.
6. Steve Fisher, San Diego State - Ah yes, Steve Fisher, the original championship ring piggybacker. As you can see from this action shot, Steve is doing his best to look exactly like Ratboy Tom Coughlin. Was Fisher always unpretty? Maybe not, but age has not helped him much. Only a mother could love that face...well, a mother and Rumeal Robinson. But you have to give Fisher some props, he managed to escape Ann Arbor without being eaten by Glen Rice or snorted by Roy Tarpley. I realize that Tarpley never played for Fisher, but Roy snorted everything...that is the joke.
5. Trent Johnson, Stanford - One way to get yourself noticed for this award is to have nostrils twice the size of your own head. Job well done then, Coach! If I did a list for coaches that look most like a salamander, Johnson would own it. And is that a flat top??? Did he just watch House Party and think that the Kid and Play look was still in? Or is he just trying to deflect attention away from his massive drive-in movie theater screen of a forehead? Wow, maybe I underestimate his unprettiness. Nah, let's look at the top 4 instead and you will agree, too.
4. Bo Ryan, Wisconsin - What was I just saying about nostril size? And when you throw in beady eyes, you've got a winning combination there. Coach Ryan looks like he picks off flies with his tongue ala a lizard. That's how he acquires his sustenance...the sweet nectar of the tsetse fly. I'm still waiting on test results to come back determining if I could fit a shovel in his left nostril. I'll keep you posted. Since he coaches at Wisconsin, I'm willing to bet that his hair gel is a thick mixture of liquified brats, cheese wiz, and Schlitz. Effective and tasty.
3. Phil Martelli, St. Joseph's - Martelli clearly just doesn't care. He's been walking around like this for years now. It looks as though he's wearing a skull cap on top of his hair. But no, he just possesses a horrible hair-do. If I were him, I would just shave the rest off. There is no honor in clinging to some scraps...get rid of the classic horseshoe pattern already! I mean, it will take some getting used to looking like you are from the future, but you've got to think that at least a few kids have not gone to St. Joe's because their coach looks like a mutant. At least one, right? But that is one shiny dome. I've heard that Billy Packer still hates it.
2. Jerry Wainwright, DePaul - In all fairness, Wainwright is a good coach. But when you look at him, all you can see is the face of a bloodhound. If there is a jailbreak and you let him sniff the escapees clothes, he's finding that convict. The jowels (sp?) prove that. Wainwright appears to be working on two cheekfuls of Redman Golden Blend at all times. And let's not forget about the resin bags under his eyes. Has he slept in the last decade? They get bigger every week! Truly an unpretty competitor that could only be beaten by the King of unattractive.
The WINNER of The 2008 Gene Keady Award as Least Prettiest Head Coach is...
1. Stew Morrill, Utah State - Squeal like a pig, boy. If that's a face that only a mother could love than you know that Stew's mom killed herself quickly after his birth. Oh, that's not right...that's not right at all. But that is why you come here. And that is why you keep coming back...someone's got say it, right? When talking about Morrill, it reminds me of my college days when my roommate, not knowing his name due to alcohol or lack of interest, referred to him only as "Utah State Weird Coach". I never forgot that. I knew at the time that 6 years later, I would need that term for a random Sunday afternoon blogpost. With the perfect combination of a combover helmet, buck teeth, and gigantic glasses, Aggies coach Stew Morrill is a perfect example of brains over beauty. Job well done, Stew, keep up the good and unpretty work. You've earned your Keady, sir.
Past Keady Award winners: 1970-2007 Gene Keady