Friday, February 01, 2008

Super Terrific Happy Super Bowl Preview

Guess what? The Super Bowl is Sunday. Time for my prediction. And since I'm going to have a TON of new viewers today thanks to being linked by AOL Fanhouse and 1530 Homer The Sports Animal out of The 'Nati (Sweatiest College Coaches was a great idea by the way), it's time that I step up and prove how smart I really am. I developed a 15 part formula last year to break down the winner and final score based on three overlooked categories: karma, character, and past. I will be breaking down positions for each team and judging a point total to whichever team has the advantage at that position. There are 10 football positions and 5 more fan related positions. Let's do it, let's break it down and see, because I don't have any idea how my numbers are going to look at the end. Last year, we successfully predicted a Colts cover and it came to fruition...let's see if we can repeat.

QB - Tom Brady is the best QB of all time. Eli Manning is statistically one of the worst QB's in Super Bowl history. But, the fact that the Manning family has somewhat black-listed him, he gets some karma points.
Patriots +6

RB - Laurence Maroney ruined every fantasy team that he was on this year. I've always hated Kevin Faulk for reasons that I'm not entirely certain about. I love me some Brandon Jacobs. The Giants get an extra point here for not having Hall of Fame douchebag, Tiki, on the team anymore.
Giants +3

WR/TE - Randy Moss punches women and tries to run over female cops. Does he deserve to win? Wes Welker introduced a nice mustache earlier in the season. Donte Stallworth sucks. Plaxico Burress likes to run his mouth, but then again, don't we all. Amani Toomer drops a lot of easy passes, I don't care what Peter King says about him. Welker's mustache gets the points
Patriots +2

OL - You can't deny the sheer awesomeness of the Patriots bushy beards. It's a great look. Giants Guard, Chris Snee, voluntarily married into the Coughlin family. The football Gods do not like that.
Patriots +5

DL - The Patriots D-Line doesn't stand out with the exception that it seems like they've played together for about 10 years now. Giants DE Osi Umenyiora took a shit on a prostitute. Well played, sir.
Giants +4

LB - Fuck the Patriots LB's. Bruschi had a hole in his heart or something, Vrabel is a cheap shot artist, and Junior Seau turned his back on San Diego. Giants LB Antonio Pierce gets some points for putting up with 'Ol Ball Coach in DC.
Giants +2

DB - I hate Rodney Harrison...and so should you. But being a Yankees fan, I guess I should support HGH users. The Giants DB's are all young and don't deserve this yet.
Patriots +1

K/P - Stephen Gostkowski has somehow flown under the radar as a very reliable kicker. The Pats Punter, Chris Hansen, puts away pedophiles. Lawrence Tynes is the worst kicker in NFL history and punter Jeff Feagles is friends with Mike Golic...ugh.
Patriots +4

Return Game - The aforementioned Wes Welker is returning punts and kickoffs now...he does it all. He was also the only player on my fantasy teams this year that didn't suck. Giants return man Domenik (sp?) Hixon went to Akron AND paralyzed Kevin Everett. Ouch.
Patriots +3

Coach - Bill Belichick cheated. Bill Belichick committed adultery. Bill Belichick mutilates squirrels. Who cares, I don't want to live in a world where Tom Coughlin is a champion.
Patriots +6

City - Boston fucking sucks and is getting to be waaaaaay too cocky about their sports team's successes these days. New York is the best city ever and features the best baseball team ever (not relevant, just wanted to point it out). Do you really think that I would give any points to Boston here? I don't care if I have family there. Boston needs a good jihad.
Giants +5

Fans - Patriots fans are just dumbed down Red Sox fans. Red Sox fans are the most vile, dispiccable people ever. You will never meet a Pats "fan" that knows who Tony Eason is. But I also hate Giants fans. Not only do they have an incessant amount of back hair, but they've jumped on and off the Eli bandwagon so much this year, it's quite disgusting.
Giants +1

Celebrity Fans - Well, this one is pretty simple. The Pats have Ben Affleck and Bill Simmons. The Giants have Turtle from Entourage and Carl Brutananadilewski. Not even close.
Giants +4

Organization - You have to respect how the Pats do business. As big of a douche as Bob Kraft is, he's hired a bunch of smart people, that's for sure. I don't even know who the Giants owner is, I know it used to be the guy with the Orville Redenbacher glasses, but he died. I can't give points to a dead guy.
Patriots +3

Against the Spread - The Pats may be 18-0, but they are a poor 10-8 ATS this year (and haven't covered in their last 8 games). The Giants are 13-6 on the field and 13-6 ATS. Now that is consistency. I can't respect a team that shits on gamblers for the past 3 months.
Giants +5

BONUS - The Pats get a bonus field goal due to Mercury Morris being such a donkey dick over the course of this season.
Pats +3

PREDICTION!!! Add it all up and The Money Shot is going with the New England Patriots to complete the perfect season (like McClure Pony League) and beat the New York Football Giants 33-24. They will not cover the 12 point spread. If I was a betting man, I would take the points.

Well, there you have it. Enjoy the Super Bowl.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Bill Bellichick would make Rick Smith proud.