Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Middle Finger: Kelvin Sampson

Now, I know what you are thinking: Come on asshole, you beat up on this guy every week! And that is true. And unless something incredibly egregious (a Johnny Cochran word!) comes to light, this will be the last time. But to be honest, I was struggling. No one wants to hear me complain about how much I hate the Olympics or getting stuck in traffic behind a 4 car accident causing me to be 30 minutes late to work thus forcing me listen to 2 segments of Eric Kuselias (that's bad). But last night, on my way home from another depressing umpire's meeting, I heard something that just made me shake my head and say to myself, "some people just don't get it." This Firewater drinker is no exception and he has earned this award for decades of shady and sketchy behavior.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the Navajo Warrior, Kelvin Sampson.

I'm not going to talk about his past indiscretions. I'm not going to talk about his firing. I'm not going to talk about how Indiana replaced him with a retard. I'm also not going to talk about how great the above photoshop is (by the way, I really need to learn how to do that, it is the only thing holding me back besides my God awful writing). No, what I want to rake him over the coals for is what happened after that. After the team tried to mutiny. After the team went to Northwestern and lucked out a 3 point win against a team that hasn't had a conference win since Pearl Harbor (the event, not the terrible movie). Yes, that is the point from where we start; now brace yourself because this is the pinnacle of stupidity and only reaffirms my stance that Sampson just doesn't get it...

After the Northwestern game, he sent text messages to the Indiana players congratulating them. Seriously. Mr. Cell Phone is working his magic again. Come on, Kelvin. You should be better than that. Is it illegal? No, it isn't. Is it smart for someone with his checkered past regarding phone abuse to be doing this? No, it isn't. He needs to distance himself from the program NOW and let them get on with their season. He doesn't need to send "BFF" texts to his former players. Both parties, Sampson and the IU program, need to move on. This has been embarrassing enough as it is. It even makes you wonder if this violated his buyout and than IU could reclaim that money.

I just can't believe that Sampson is this stupid. Really, I get the image that he works a cell phone like a 15 year old girl sending texts to DJ White that say "U R HOT 2NITE". Or "ERIC GORDON, WILL U COME TO IU? YES, NO, MAYBE SO?" This is just so pathetic. I understand that there are bonds forged by the coach/player relationship. God knows I felt a bond with my 8th grade booger-eating basketball coach. But Sampson isn't the coach anymore. It's Dan Dickitch. Let it go. Put the fucking phone down.

This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing for the Hoosiers. They take all the right steps to get rid of this bum, yet he won't go away. For some reason he's watching the Big Ten Network on a Saturday night as opposed to his true passion of playing nickel slots at Mohegan Sun (I am really going nuts with the Native American stereotypes today, but it's cool, I'm a Redskins fan). I am impressed that he gets the Big Ten Network, it's only available in 17 hones nationwide and he lives in one of them.

So enjoy this week's Middle Finger, Kelvin Sampson. You, sir, are an idiot who clearly doesn't understand the ramifications of your past transgressions. This is the last time I will talk about Sampson again, I promise. Wait a minute, I just a got a text message from a number that I don't recognize...it says "BOB KNIGHT CAN SUCK IT, LOL". Ah yes, "LOL", the acronym of the asshole.

Thanks, Kelvin, for all the material that you have given me over the past few weeks now go fuck yourself.


Kyle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kyle said...

Beautiful Photoshop. Well done, Mr. $.

J Beanie said...

Do you think New Jersey Institute of Technology is interested in Kelvin?

flohtingPoint said...

No one wants to hear me complain about how much I hate the Olympics

I say complain away Brother. The Olympics is jam packed with tons of dumbfuck events. Skiing followed by shooting? What the hell is that? And then you have those events that are more ignorant than a Mel Kiper Draft Board like figure skating... Yea, lets have an event based on opinion. Maybe we can even schedule a debate team event!

Fuck the Olympics, the Olympians, Olympus (the cameras and the mountain) and that lameass Jason and the Argonauts movie I had to watch in 6th grade (your tax dollars hard at work making public education the system it is today).

Anonymous said...

It's a real shame that one very stupid man has single-handedly taken a well respected program and run their reputation into the ground. Bobby Knight (one of my favorite coaches of all time)was able to recruit without violations and people knew that he kicked the shit out of his players. Sampson is a smear on IU and NCAA ball in general. What a fuck...


GMoney said...

kyle, that is not my photoshop (I believe it's from a Purdue fan site...I have NO IDEA how to photoshop, I need to take a class to help me with that.

beanie, that would be hilarious...GO HIGHLANDERS!!!

floht, I fucking HATE the Olympics with or without the time delay

burgei, I would even go so far as saying that Sampson is a pap smear

Anonymous said...

hey now...pearl harbor is decent