Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Middle Finger: Chris Berman

This topic was a long time coming for me. I mean, who enjoys recycled catchphrases and 1970's song title nicknames? He's been doing the same hack crap for 20+ years now and I was sick of it 10 years ago. For some reason, though, ESPN keep trotting him on screen like the face of the company that he supposedly is. He must have dirt on the ESPN honchos. Either way, this is an easy Middle Finger today. If you stopped by yesterday, or been anywhere throughout the blogosphere in the past week, you've seen the insane videos that are making the rounds. Simply put, he's a jerk.

And that's why this week's Middle Finger goes to the gin-soaked Chris Berman.

Since you all have likely seen his newly surfaced videos, I've come to the realization that Berman is ESPN's real-life version of Ron Burgundy. Think about it, can you not picture him throwing out "Gun Show" jokes and serenading whores with his flute skills.? He walks around Bristol with an erection and blames his pants. Treating women like sexual conquests, talking constantly about his love of scotch, and his ownership of many leather-bound books? I think that the Burgundy/Berman analogy is a pretty fair one, no?

But let's talk for a moment about how out of touch he is. When was the last time that you laughed at one of his clever nicknames? It's been awhile, hasn't it? Whether it be Jim "Two Silhouettes On" DeShaies, Joaquin "The Dog" Andujar, or Rafael "Emerson, Lake, and" Palmiero, they are all way outdated and retarded. Nobody under the age of 20 has any idea what he's talking about. You just know that he prays for Lito Sheppard to have a big game so he can sing some Boz Scaggs on The Blitz that night. Boz Scaggs!!! Man, he sure does get his audience.

And of course, who can forget the iconic legend of "You're With Me, Leather"? If you're unfamiliar with this cautionary tale, give the link a read. You won't be sorry.

Berman is now doing a nightly Sportscenter segment called The Greatest Highlight or something like that. Terrible. Whatever. I hate him.

I'm calling off the dogs early today because I could talk about my hatred for Berman all day if I wanted to. Leave me some love in the comments on your least favorite Berman-ism's if you'd like.

Enjoy your Middle Finger, Christopher, you've earned this one. 20+ years of being shitty...and still going strong.


Anonymous said...

Joseph "live and let" Addai is just the first gay one that comes to mind. Anytime he says Raiders, G-Men, or goes whooop on a fumble or crazy play I want to stab him in the eye. Also, whenever he has flashbacks to 1981(?)when he was at the Cowboys/Niners championship game or any other reference to the last twenty years that he acts as if he is god of all sportscasters. Don't even get me started on the Schwami. I guess to sum up I hate Chris Berman because a)He thinks he is cool, b) He thinks he is funny and clever, c)He thinks he is somehow better than Larry Beil.

Aloha means goodbye.


J Beanie said...

His worse one of all time, especially since he said it every five seconds, was Curtis "my favorite" Martin. My God, he sucks. Thanks for pissing me off this morning by making me think of all reasons I hate him. One reason, which might be a little gay, is his suits are as old as his nicknames. The skinny, crazy colored tie, the baggy, double breasted jacket. Awful. I won't even watch anything that has him doing the highlights. He sucks. Thanks.

tonyb said...

Listening to him announce the Home Run Derby. Every two seconds he yells his signature "Back, back, back, back, back- gone!" Occasionally he hasn't finished one and then interrupts himself with the same catch phrase as another jack is properly struck. He ruins home runs. Terrible.

GMoney said...

Let's not forget that he has picked the Bills to make the Super Bowl for the past 50 years. That at least cracks me up.

Anonymous said...

That link takes me to Wikipedia. DO you have any links to some of his recently sweet videos.

GMoney said...

Just go to deadspin or awfulannouncing and search berman. They will all come up.

flohtingPoint said...

The one where he talks about smuggling Canadian codeine into the USA is hilarious...