Much like we did a month ago with Gentleman Jim Sorgi, we're going to spend today getting to know an old friend. That friend, you ask, is former Sportscenter anchor and sumo wrestling enthusiast, Jack Edwards. If you remember, Edwards had a penchant in the late 90's of being the voice of some pretty damn obscure sporting events. It was like ESPN was sitting around thinking, we need someone to anchor the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, hop a flight to Tokyo for the Yokozuna's first sumo title defense, and then come back to California for the 1999 World's Strongest Man competition...who should we send??? The answer was always, Jack Fuckin' Edwards. Let's meet the man, the myth, the legend, shall we...FYI, we are getting a lot of this from his NESN bio. I am not linking it because it is a Boston-related website and they are all pedophiles up there.
-born 3/24/1957 somewhere in New England
-attended Oyster River High School in Dunham, New Hampshire (you know he's ghetto)
-played soccer at the University of New Hampshire (only person I've ever heard of that has been in New Hampshire)
-Jack and his wife, Lisa, own Fountainhead Productions in Simsbury, CT; a full-fledge HD production company.
-from 2000-2002, Edwards was the lead play-by-play guy for ESPN's MLS coverage
-known for a memorable call made during the United States' 2002 FIFA World Cup run to the quarterfinals; after the United States upset Portugal, 3-2, Edwards yelled, "Mine eyes have seen the glory!" (how great of a quote is that!)
-while with ESPN, Edwards also called the Little League World Series (was he groped by Harold Reynolds?)
-in 2006, Edwards began calling the NHL for Versus (not one person in America gets that channel)
-this past year, Jack Edwards was named the voice of the Boston Bruins (looks like he finally made it!)
FUN FACTS!!!
Family:Wife Lisa, Sons John and Elijah, Daughters Nina & Dagny - Dagny is an attractive name...for me to poop on (side note, we need some new Triumph sketches)
Philosophy on being parents of four children: We empathize with penalty killers. We’re always shorthanded. - Good yet stupid analogy
When kids misbehave: We use the hockey system for “time outs”: 2 minutes for a minor, 5 for a major, 10 for misconduct; Haven’t had to assign a match penalty yet. - I assume that "match penalty" means death.
Favorite Sport to watch: Hockey - me too!!! No not really, I prefer women's trick shot billiards
Favorite sports to play: Alpine Skiing, Road Cycling - No offense, but, what a fag
Favorite Food: Ice Cream - Pralines and Dick???
Favorite TV Shows: (Classic) The Beverly Hillbillies, (Modern) The Sopranos - Now the real question is did he enjoy Jim Varney's version of Jed Clampett also starring Rob Schneider?
Favorite Singer or Musical Group: Pat Metheny Group - a jazz band, I looked it up...this guy keeps getting gayer
Favorite Movie: Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail - He's also a huge dork, too!
Favorite Sports Movie: The Blizzard of Aaaaah’s (Ski Movie by Mainer Greg Stump) - What the fuck???
Favorite Piece of Clothing: My sherpa hat, purchased in 1987 - Yep, it's official, Jack Edwards is a male gay.
If you could spend a day with anyone who would it be? My wife. I never see her alone! - this guy uses more exclamation points than Jake Jarmelle.
Most embarrassing moment on television: Howling on the set during Charley Steiner’s lead-in to Carl Lewis’ national anthem. - Possibly the greatest moment in ESPN history, you should not be embarrassed, BE PROUD!
If I could change one thing? Convert to fuel-cell cars that run on hydrogen and expel only water. Good-bye, gasoline and car-related pollution! - Somebody get this guy Ed Begley, Jr's phone number.
FUN LIES!!!
-killed fellow anchor Tom Mees for hating on sumo wrestling
-his icy stare can defeat cancer
-prefers skipping over walking
-believes that Ski Patrol was a better picture than Ski School
-has an extensive video collection of Linda Cohn getting it on at a Donkey Show
Alright, how much fun was that??? I think we are going to make this a regular feature here now that the NFL season is dying. Long live Jack Edwards!!! Have a good weekend, I'll be back Monday to break down the NHL All-Star Game (that is what we in the blogging business call a "lie"). I leave you with Jack Edwards talking shit to Roger Clemens and then getting his ass kicked.
9 comments:
Good Stuff. I actually get that VS (versus channel) I think it comes with the sports package on Direct T.V.
Jack Edwards was a classic. I like the women's trick shot billiards reference, although I like my women's billiards straight up (or should I say lesbian up). You can't beat a world championship match between Helena "the Sledgehammer" Thornfeldt and Karen "the Irish Invader" Corr. Whatever happened to Charlie Steiner anyways?
-Damman
What was that? Where did that come from? I feel like an 8 year old boy at the mall who can't find his mommy; lost.
After reading those fun facts I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to hang out with Jack Edwards. And being from New Hampshire is no excuse to list some queer ski movie as your favorite sports movie.
Jesse, I get it too, but who gives a shit.
D, Steiner is the voice of the Dodgers now. I knew you would like today's entry. Maybe not as much as Rune (Happy B-Day by the way!) though.
Beanie, get a fucking clue, Jack Edwards rules.
UU, wow, I am in somewhat contact with someone from New Hampshire!
More proof that Clemens is on steriods
"I would use exclamation points at the end of all of these sentances! Like this one! And this one!"
You don't know of anybody that has been in New Hampshire? I've been there twice in the last four years to celebrate our World Series Championships. You should come sometime so that you can see the trophy.
Sincerely,
Curt Schilling
Curt Schilling, get your fucking ass off of my blog. You are not welcome here. 38pitches??? More like 38dicksinyourass. You sonofabitch, how dare you come to my domain and start talking about New Hampshire. You rat bastard!!!
I'm sorry, everybody, Curt Schilling is the greased-up deaf guy of this blog.
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