Thursday, January 10, 2008

Redskins Going To Hollywood For A Coach

As I said yesterday, I had a conference call with Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, and his good buddy and alien enthusiast, Tom Cruise, yesterday. It was quite interesting to say the least. They gave me their list of potential replacements for Joe Gibbs to be the next head football coach of the team. Now, I will preface this by saying that the fine people over at Brahsome did a similar take on this as well. We here at The Money Shot give them their props for doing a story like this. But that being said, my convo with these guys went a little bit deeper and offered up some more questionable candidates. But enough of that, let's get this started. Snyder and Cruise offered up 8 men who will be interviewed for the job. I will give the case for and against each brilliant man. Let's just say that Snyder is looking to make a big splash with this potential hire. In no particular order...

Graham Lubbock
For: Did a wonderful job coaching whatever Catholic school he was at in Eureka, CA. The Just The Ten Of Us star stepped away from the shadow of Growing Pains to guide his team (the Rhinos I think) to a fantastic season. But they were quarterbacked by Matt LeBlanc and he is likely past his prime now.
Against: His daughters are smoking hot and showed that they would sleep with the players. The Skins don't need distractions like that.

Nate Scarborough
For: What more can you say about this candidate? He led a bunch of convicts to a nationally televised victory over the heavily-favored prison guards. Now granted, the exact same thing happened in the early 1970's, but still, it's hard to beat a team twice when they know that you are going to run the exact same plays that you ran in the first game.
Against: He put himself in the game at tailback. He is in his 60's. I don't want to be sitting around on a Sunday, watching the Skins in a tight game against the Eagles, and have the fucking coach enter himself into the game for a goalline carry.

Danny O'Shea
For: Much like Gibbs coaching job this season to get his team into the playoffs, O'Shea's turn-around of the Little Giants can not be ignored. He took a band of misfits and molded them into a championship caliber team.
Against: He's too big of a dork. While he did beat the Cowboys in the championship game, I still can't trust him to win consistently in the NFL. He does have football running through his veins seeing that his brother won the Heisman trophy, but I don't think he could motivate grown men. For God's sake, his best player was his daughter!

Coach Jones
For: This one is kind of a stretch because it would be hard to sell the Skins fan base on a coach who has only coached hgih school football before. But Coach Jones is a player's coach, a calming influence, and whose demeanor reminds Mr. Snyder of Joseph Gibbs.
Against: Come on, we know who this guy is. If the Skins would hire him, there would be more retards on the sidelines than players! Now, I realize that the Cowboys have employed this practice before, but we don't need to copy them, do we?

Sean Porter
For: Who doesn't love The Rock? In the classic Gridiron Gang, he made all these delinquent kids believe in each other and really take it to the elitist white high school. He seems to possess a lot of street cred and could form bonds with today's modern, gun-wielding professional athlete.

Against: Why would you want The Rock as your head coach? He led a team of thugs. If you bring him on, he will likely demand that you sign Mike Vick and Pacman Jones. DC doesn't need that...there's enough crime there already.

Bear Bryant
For: If you saw The Junction Boys, you know that Berenger is a tough (and hilarious) as nails football dictator. Discipline would not be an issue. Training camp would be a bitch for the players, but don't worry, "he ain't quittin'".

Against: The players will HATE him. Imagine Tom Coughlin's supposed disciplinary practices and multiply by 100. There would be big ass mutiny before the season even started.

Sam Winters
For: The head coach of Eastern State knows how to deal with all sorts of crazy personalities. That is a perfect trait for a head football coach. He's not the best X's and O's guy, but he was in The Godfather, dammit! And Rollerball (but not the classic show, Roller Jam)!
Against: His Eastern State Wolves teams are always under investigation. He allowed steroids, illiteracy, drunk motorcycling, rape, etc. That's all fine and good because you've got to do whatever it takes to win, but the Skins don't need that kind of extra negative attention.

And finally...

Hayden Fox/Coach Nickerson
For: What more can you say, the resume speaks for itself. Nickerson took the white trash Ampipe High program to new heights before taking a promotion at Cal Poly. The he disappeared for awhile and popped up again under a new name (Hayden Fox) and with a better job (head coach at Minnesota State). Clearly, he is self-motivated and not content with being just a college coach. The way his Screamin' Eagles team won the Pineapple Bowl was a thing of beauty. He is clearly at the pinnacle of his profession.
Against: He will probably want to bring in his own staff. The Redskins don't want any part of Defensive Coordinator/Certifiable Idiot, Luther Van Damme, or the shaggy Special Teams Coach, Dauber.

I would like to thank Mr. Snyder and the batshit crazy Tom Cruise for filling me in regarding their coaching search. Clearly, this team is in good hands.


Anonymous said...

You don't want Hayden Fox because Peter Griffin might try to kill him some day.


J Beanie said...

Good lists but how could you miss the best coach ever. Two words for you...

Gordon Bombay.

Could you imagine the flying V in the NFL? Now that's good stuff.

GMoney said...

FUCK!!! You're right, Beanie. I even watched that last night!!! And I was going to put him on the list, too. Damn my bad memory. He really got those kids to believe in themselves.

Kyle said...

You have to get the hungry Bombay from Ducks I, though. With Sellout Bombay from Ducks II, you might as well hire Herm Edwards.

Hayden Fox, FTW! Not only did he win a national championship at Minnesota State, he got the Orlando Breakers to the playoffs in just his second year. Not an easy feat with the Who's The Boss chick selling draft picks.

Kyle said...

Oh, and Dauber might be able to lure Ricky Williams to the 'Skins. Anyone who does voiceovers for Spongebob Squarepants just has to be a pothead, right?

NFL Adam said...

Great list. If I may add a few of my own, you have John Voight from Varsity Blues, Hector Elizonzo from Necessary Roughness, Gene Hackman from the Replacements and what about the Fonz from The Water Boy?

There are a lot of candidates. But look for Washington to try to get the jump on Hilary and hire the first female NFL coach -- Goldie Hawn from Wildcats.

GMoney said...

Adam, all of those candidates were explored but, in the end, disqualified. I wanted to talk about The Rock, Just The Ten Of Us, and retards instead.


Kyle said...

That fucker is on BUNT CAKE. Boy smells like flour, don't bring him 'round here anymore.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'm with nfl adam, hire Coach Molly McGrath

rstiles said...

How can you forget Coach Klein from Waterboy...

If you get Klein as coach, you automatically get Bobby Boucher

tonyb said...

The 'Skins may want to go the non-traditional route of Mr. Miyagi. He bring work ethic and character to a whole new level.

My vote is still for the Rock, though.

stonybrown said...

Gene Hackman has Basketball coaching experience, as well. If Tom Cruise got the Scientologists together "town meeting" style to run him out - he'd bring his woman to put the smack down on them.

...and steal away Toledo's own Katie Holmes.

GMoney said...

Tony, Pat Morita is dead!!! He can't coach anymore.

Stiles, maybe the Fonz should have made the list. His kicker was D'Angelo Barksdale after all.

Stony, Barbara Hershey was the only bad part of that movie, but I would still love to see her kill some of those idiots. I need to see Hoosiers again.

and another FUCK!!! I wanted to put Homer Simpson on the list as well for his amazing title run in the Springfield Pee-Wee football league. The only problems would be his love for cutting players and his nepotism. And he wears a Tom Landry hat.

The Sports Hernia said...

You've all forgotten the living legend that is Coach Bobby Finstock.

Anyone who can get wins out of Scott Howard and Chubbs is worthy of the throne.

Coach Bobby Finstock

MCBias said...

Ha, great post, I liked it.