As you all probably know, this weekend marks the best weekend in the NFL of the entire season. We are left with raging mega-huge boners of football games. The docket is chock full of great players, great storylines, and great teams. After our impressive 1-3 straight up and 1-3 ATS predictions last weekend, we are looking for retribution. Unlike the douchebag in your freshman dorm who thought he was a musical savant because he listened to Bob Marley even though he was white, I'm not just acting like I know what I talk about. I am going to rebound today and make nothing but quality picks because I know the NFL like Peter King knows coffee. For the record, I didn't really know a certain person like this, but everyone knows one of these guys and everyone hates this guy. It's like "Ooooh, you're a white kid from suburbia, I'm sure that this reggae music really speaks to you!" Asses. Well, I hope that after this week when I go 4-0, you stop comparing me and my NFL picks to "that guy". Time for some redemption...pun intended. Last week, I provided pictures of die hard fans of the teams playing, this week, we are going with classic players from the days of yore for the franchises. Here we go...
Dave Krieg's Seattle Seahawks vs. Don Majkowski's Green Bay Packers
Yeah, yeah, Seattle won by 3 scores last week (which I totally blame on Buke by the way). But, to me, they seem like that team that is great at home but sucks on the road. They still have no running game, their QB isn't that good, and their defense thrives off the home crowd noise. Green Bay used to be unbeatable at home but since they've played like shit in the cold this season, that doesn't mean anything anymore. You're going to see that dumbass "we want the ball and we're going to score" soundbite about a million times in the next 24 hours. Fuck that. I hate that bald fuck. Brett Favre's dream season will likely end without a Super Bowl win, but it isn't going to end this week. I prefer a bratwurst and a beer BY FAR over sushi and a non-fat mocha latte. The Packers win this one easily because of the better, more heart-clogging food.
Packers 31, Seahawks 20
James Stewart's Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Ben Coates' New England Patriots
This is one thing that I don't get. Everyone is trying to talk themselves into picking the Jags. Just look at the two rosters and the fact that the weather won't be bad...why would you pick against the Pats here??? I like David Garrard but I'm pretty sure that the same coach that still has Peyton Manning confused will cook something up for DG, too. With the Jags slower LB's, this feels like a big Wes Welker game. Almost everyone wants the Jags to pull off the giant upset this weekend, but I don't see it. The NFL wants this undefeated story to continue so expect some questionable calls to go their way. In fact, I don't see this game being very close. The Pats haven't covered a spread in what feels like an eternity. That changes Saturday night, lay the 13.5.
Patriots 38, Jags 18
Marion Butts' San Diego Chargers vs. Jim Harbaugh's Indianapolis Colts
I would like to thank these two teams from the bottom of my hearts. For as much talent as both teams have, they are both incredibly boring. The Chargers have no idea how to use their talent and the Colts just grind out drives using the same old plays and the same old players. Earlier this year when these two teams met, Peyton threw 6 picks, Vinatieri missed two chippy's, and the Bolts returned two touchdowns on special teams. You would think that they won that game by 40...they won by 2. And that was at home. Am I supposed to believe they're going to be better on the road in the playoffs??? With Antonio Gates likely out, or at least ineffective, this is going to be a rout. Never, ever take Philly "The Slavemaster" Rivers or Norv Turner in a road playoff game (or in a game in general). I can't wait for Crybaby Tomlinson to throw a tantrum at Philly Boy on the sidelines for being terrible. Lay the 8 and reap the rewards for being a smart gambler.
Colts 30, Chargers 10
Phil McConkey's New York Giants vs. Quincy Carter's Dallas Cowboys
Before we get to the game, how great of a Tecmo Bowl return man was Phil McConkey??? And who the hell thought that Quincy Carter could play in the League??? This is my favorite game of the weekend by far. It's NFC East football so you know it's great. The coaches are terrible. The quarterbacks are rotten. It's going to be awesome. The G-Men showed me a lot last week. I didn't think that they could win a road game in January...and they flat out dominated. On the other hand, the Cowboys are a fucking mess. They haven't played well in over a month. Their QB is hanging out in Mexico with his washed-up catcher's mitt of a girlfriend. T.O. won't be 100% if he plays at all. Their offensive coaching staff is being rumored to go elsewhere. They are coached by Wade Phillips who has never won a playoff game. I don't like them at all in this game (well, I just don't like them at all, Dallas should be nuked). It's hard to beat a team three times in one year which is why I think that we see the only upset of the weekend here. For the first time ever, I will be rooting for the Giants. They will likely reward me with a loss and a lot of Romo queer-smirks, but nevertheless, I'm sticking with the underdogs here.
Giants 27, Cowboys 23
There you go, I like the favorites in blowouts except for Dallas. Let's see if I can redeem myself and get back to my winning ways. Because if I don't, those that look to me for gambling advice may kill me Bob Marley-style. You see, it all came full circle there. I'm a writer!!! Have a good weekend and Beat The Ohio's!!!