Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, the "Some People Just Aren't Smart" Edition.
***Laurinaitis is dumber than Katzenmoyer - It's that time of year when underclassmen have to declare their intentions for either going pro or staying in school. I just don't understand what Little Animal is thinking here. Buckeye fans, put your own selfishness aside for a minute, how dumb is this? You've only got so many hits on your body and when the time is right, you need to go get paid. Laurinaitis is guaranteed to drop no further than 7th in the draft, would get at least 15-20 million in guaranteed coin, and could step right in and replace Junior Seau on a Super Bowl champion defense. But for some reason, he decided to stay in college for another year. I'm not really sure why. I know that his family doesn't need the money. Does Tressel pay better than the NFL (a very good possibility)? Does he want to be included on the list of Big Ten players killed by USC? Does he want to get embarrassed in January again? No one knows but him. But I know that this is a stupid move. Go get paid, you've already done what you could in college.
***Congress knows nothing about baseball but has no problem pointing fingers - Yesterday, Bud Selig and Don Fehr went to Capitol Hill to get drilled by the people who apparently have nothing better to do. The best part of this entire bore-a-thon was that congress butchered the pronounciation of almost everyone's name. Some bitch referred to Selig as "Mr. Selleck", another idiot called Raffy Palmiero "Palmerry", and Giants GM Brian Sabean was referred to as "Mr. Suh-beeen". Look, if you are going to grill these guys for allowing drugs to run rampant, at least know the names of the people. That's pathetic. And these are the same people who likely all have received illegal campaign funds. USA! USA! USA!
***Jason Garrett is actually very smart - You all know that I compliment a Cowboy about as much as I praise terrorists, but in this instance, Garrett is a genius. He knows that Plasticface Jones wants to keep him. He knows he is a hot commodity around the league. He knows that if he plays his cards right, he will get the position that he wants. Garrett will likely get offered the job in Baltimore and Atlanta. He will then take that back to Plasticface and say "you give me the head coach job here in Dallas or I walk." And thus Plasticface fires Wade and Garrett gets the job that he's wanted for a long time. It's actually quite genius. Don't hate the player, hate the game. But I would be said to see Wade go. He allows me to play one of my favorite games...the "What Old Country Singer Does Wade Have Playing In His Headset" game. Last week: Loretta Lynn.
***Pacman Jones would have done the same thing to Dan Fielding - Ah yes, Pacman is back at the strip clubs and better than ever. Now it's being reported that Mr. Total Nonstop Action punched a female lawyer in the eye in a strip club office. He accused either her or the club of stealing his watch and other stuff. This is fantastic. I could read stories about Pacman all day. The guy dabbles in a lot of sweet things: whether it be the NFL, strip clubs, professional wrestling, or breaking the law, Pacman Jones truly is a Renaissance Man. And he should be commended for his blatant disregard of human decency to instead do whatever the hell he wants to.
***Rich Rodriguez wasn't in Boiler Room - Remember that scene in Boiler Room where Giovanni Ribisi's character comes back to the office to see some guy shredding a bunch of incriminating shit? Well, apparently, Dick-Rod did the same thing before leaving WV. Hilarious. "Sources" state that all of WV's player files have disappeared and that it's like none of these player's histories even existed. My question is this...why wasn't this stuff all on a computer? If this information was truly important, than why was it sitting in a dusty filing cabinet in the coach's office? Oh wait, computers aren't scheduled to be introduced into West F'n Virginia until 2012. I just answered my own question. The more you hear about him, the more you have to think that Dick-Rod is a sleezebag. Enjoy the recruiting scandal in a few years, Michigan fans.
***Hockey still doesn't get it - I don't claim to be a hockey expert even though I've watched more of it this year than I have in my entire life. But one thing I do know is that the strike was terrible for the sport and player salaries were one of the main reasons for the lockout. So what does hockey do? The Capitals sign Alexander Ovechkin to a 124 million dollar contract. Those idiots are falling into the same trap again. If Ovechkin, who I'm told is good, gets this much scratch, than what is Sidney Crosby going to command when it's time for him to negotiate? 200 mill? Nip this in the bud (whatever that means), Gary Bettman, or you're going to have more labor pains ahead. And I don't want to see that, I'm actually enjoying Blue Jackets hockey this year.
***I'm tired of Tom Cruise - I don't quite know what to say here. Tom Cruise being crazy is about as rare as a story of Simon Cowell being a jerk. Let me just give you a quote from a video that has him preaching about aliens and L. Ron Hubbard. “It’s rough and tumble, and it’s wild and woolly and it’s a blast,” he says. “It’s a blast. It really is fun, because ... there is nothing better than ... going out there and fighting the fight and, suddenly you see, things are better.” This has got to be the first time that a "religion" has been deemed wild and wooly. What an idiot. Yes, he's a Redskins fan, too.
Alright, I'm outta here. Tomorrow, I've got a fun one planned. I promise.