Howling At The Moon

Last Sunday, American Gladiators made it's somewhat triumphant return back to television. While most of the internet absolutely hated it, the ratings were great. In fact, it was picked up for a second season. I, for one, love it. Oh, I know that it's cheesy and stupid. Layla Ali is a fucking idiot, Hulk Hogan is way too intense, and the contender interviews are absurd. But, whether you love it or hate it, one thing we can all agree on is that the gladiator known as "Wolf" is awesome. I was fortunate enough to sit down with Wolf last night to discuss a few topics.

G$: Thank you for agreeing to do this (fake) interview, Wolf. First things first, how great is it to be a gladiator?

Wolf: I love it. As a 38 year old man who has made a living out of killing homeless people for sport, it's nice to have a job that is less dangerous and provides a stable source of income. Have you ever had someone die in your hands and their last memory was of you laughing maniacally? It's intense. Considering that I wear spandex everyday anyway, this was a logical step for me. I like the look and feel of the material. It really accentuates my bulge.

G$: You do look good in that singlet. Let's talk about Wolf the man though. Who is Wolf?

Wolf: My name is Don Yates. My friends call me "Hollywood". I live in Phoenix. I've had a lot of different jobs. I'm an actor, a bull rider, a professional wrestler, a wolf, a White Goodman lookalike, and a raving, homicidal maniac.

G$: Wait a minute here, Wolf. You live in Phoenix but your nickname is Hollywood? Do you not know where you live or are you illiterate and can't read a map? Or both?

Wolf: OWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

G$: I see your point there. On your website, you list many skills that I find odd for a man of your...look. Care to elaborate on your skills in line dancing, break dancing, soccer, aerobics, ROLLERBLADING, tennis, and golf?

Wolf: The Wolf's personal motto has always been "fuck and kill". I learned line dancing to slaughter toothless hillbillies, break dancing for the coked-up 80's club scene, soccer for the moms, aerobics for the pilates crowd, rollerblading because I like it, and tennis and golf for the rich bitches. I have 4,000+ career "fuck and kills". And I just like to blow off steam on my gnarly rollerblades. I love the feel of the wind whipping through my feathered hair.

G$: I thought you might say that. You also state that you feature a southern and Australian accent. Can I hear them?

Wolf: That is actually a lie. The only languages that I speak are the King's English and the blood-curdling call of the wild. OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

G$: Let's talk about your acting credits for a minute. Your imdb page shows a wide range of roles you have performed. You are, of course, Wolf right now. But Hollywood Yates has also played "Victor" in Vampire Slayers and "Biker #3" in When Shadows Die. Wow, you truly have done it all. How did those roles help you land the dream job of being a gladiator? And is it true, are shadows truly dead?

Wolf: That was just a movie, you fat idiot. Shadows are alive and well. In fact, mine has been trying to strangle me for years now...which is why the Wolf only comes out at night. But back to your original question, both roles that I played have most definitely helped me to become the gladiator and psychopath that I am today. Casting directors don't just give away roles like "Biker #3" or "Victor", you have to earn it. They have to see that you are the right fit and that you will embrace your part. It's the same way that I approached my tryout for American Gladiators. When I walked into the casting room with Mike Adamle and, unprovoked, ripped out his throat with my sharp and jagged Wolf teeth, they knew I meant business. They knew that Don "Hollywood" Yates was the real deal.

G$: It sounds delicious. Give us some dirt on the show though, who do you like, who do you hate?

Wolf: The Wolf is a loner. He has no friends, only enemies. He roams the desert at night searching for his next conquest. He enjoys the taste of flesh and the sexual gratification of popping a load on a family of rattlesnak--

G$: OK, that's enough of that. We get it, you are not human. Wolf, you truly are one sick son of a bitch. Before we go our separate ways, what can we expect from you the rest of the season on American Gladiators?

Wolf: Get ready because you will see the first ever network televised death. I don't want to spoil too much of it, but let's just say that a game of Powerball goes completely wrong and I end up stabbing a contender with a light sabre that I smuggled up my ass before the event started.

G$: Sounds sexy. Well good luck with all that, Wolf, and keep reaching for the stars.

Wolf: OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!