Thursday, January 31, 2008
On this final day in January, with the attention of the world on Glendale, I thought that I would go a different route and acknowledge a few people that truly deserve it. That's right, college basketball coaches. It's easy to praise the likes of Mike Krzyzewski or Roy Williams or John Calipari for their success. But it's the other guys that I want to talk about today. The guys that our so animated on the bench that they sweat through their suit jackets. The coaches that are so passionate and involved with their teams that they do not mind dripping more than Patrick Ewing at the free throw line. And that's why today, I rank the top 5 sweatiest coaches in all of college hoops. So get out your deodorant and towels, today is going to be a wet one.
Honorable Mention Sweaty Coaches:
Thad Matta - Ohio State
Jim Calhoun - Connecticut
5. Kelvin Sampson - Indiana
When he's not illegally sending text messages to recruits or stealing players from Illinois, Sampson works the floor masterfully. He is well known for shedding his jacket less than a minute into the game. While there were a few other guys that could have qualified for the top 5, the fact that Sampson used to do commercials for Degree puts him on the list. It is body heat activated after all.
Sweat Ranking - 6 out of 10 Pit Stains
4. Sean Miller - Xavier
Being that I live in Ohio, the Musketeers are on TV a lot. I've been able to watch more than just a few games this year and this poor man's Jimmy Kimmel does an impressive job of having a constant waterfall trickle down his grill. I like Miller and thought that he had a good chance of challenging for the top spot, but X's mid-major status as a program hurt him in the rankings. Let's just consider Miller the George Mason of Perspiration...that rhymed!!!
Sweat Ranking - 7.5 out of 10 Pit Stains
3. Bruce Pearl - Tennessee
I'm actually surprised to hear how many people hate this guy. I love him. And the fact that he acts like a complete lunatic and a raving psycho only adds to my coach-crush. By constantly screaming during games, one has to think that Pearl goes through a plain white T every night...completely destroying the fabric with his body glaze after only one wear. The only thing holding Pearl back is that he has yet to sweat through his bright orange suit jacket. When that day happens, nothing will hold him back. But for now, he has to be #3.
Sweat Ranking - 8 out of 10 Pit Stains
2. Gary Williams - Maryland
Ah, Gary Williams...the dean of sweaty coaches. He may not be John Wooden as a coach, but he's easily the John Wooden of sweating. Williams is one of the few men that HAVE perspired through their suit. And that can not be ignored. I mean, seriously, who doesn't enjoy a guy that looks like he just took a shower, didn't towel off, got dressed, and decided to coach a basketball game? I don't think his pores ever close and it took a monumental upset for him to not be ranked #1.
Sweat Ranking - 9.25 out of 10 Pit Stains
1. Sean Sutton - Oklahoma State
If you haven't seen the Cowboys play, I recommend that you do. Not for the basketball, because they blow, but for the constant moistness of Coach Sutton. Did you watch their game on Monday @ Oklahoma? It was a thing of beauty. By the end of the game, Sutton looked like the kid that refused to take his shirt off at the pool. And he didn't wear an under shirt. It was just one very thin layer of white disgusting. Fantastic. I don't know how he did it either. Was he out drinking and driving with his old man the night before and was just trying to sweat out the gin? Maybe, we'll never know though. But what we do know is this, the man can sweat buckets just from coaching. And you've got to respect that. No one can get a perfect sweat ranking, but Sutton is close.
Sweat Ranking - 9.5 out of 10 Pit Stains
Congratulations, Sean Sutton, you are the 2008 Sweatiest Coach in the Nation!!! Someone cue up Jim Nantz's creepy, Megan's Law violator smile and "One Shining Moment".