Thursday, January 31, 2008

Giving Out Pit Stains



On this final day in January, with the attention of the world on Glendale, I thought that I would go a different route and acknowledge a few people that truly deserve it. That's right, college basketball coaches. It's easy to praise the likes of Mike Krzyzewski or Roy Williams or John Calipari for their success. But it's the other guys that I want to talk about today. The guys that our so animated on the bench that they sweat through their suit jackets. The coaches that are so passionate and involved with their teams that they do not mind dripping more than Patrick Ewing at the free throw line. And that's why today, I rank the top 5 sweatiest coaches in all of college hoops. So get out your deodorant and towels, today is going to be a wet one.

Honorable Mention Sweaty Coaches:
Thad Matta - Ohio State
Jim Calhoun - Connecticut



5. Kelvin Sampson - Indiana
When he's not illegally sending text messages to recruits or stealing players from Illinois, Sampson works the floor masterfully. He is well known for shedding his jacket less than a minute into the game. While there were a few other guys that could have qualified for the top 5, the fact that Sampson used to do commercials for Degree puts him on the list. It is body heat activated after all.
Sweat Ranking - 6 out of 10 Pit Stains



4. Sean Miller - Xavier
Being that I live in Ohio, the Musketeers are on TV a lot. I've been able to watch more than just a few games this year and this poor man's Jimmy Kimmel does an impressive job of having a constant waterfall trickle down his grill. I like Miller and thought that he had a good chance of challenging for the top spot, but X's mid-major status as a program hurt him in the rankings. Let's just consider Miller the George Mason of Perspiration...that rhymed!!!
Sweat Ranking - 7.5 out of 10 Pit Stains



3. Bruce Pearl - Tennessee
I'm actually surprised to hear how many people hate this guy. I love him. And the fact that he acts like a complete lunatic and a raving psycho only adds to my coach-crush. By constantly screaming during games, one has to think that Pearl goes through a plain white T every night...completely destroying the fabric with his body glaze after only one wear. The only thing holding Pearl back is that he has yet to sweat through his bright orange suit jacket. When that day happens, nothing will hold him back. But for now, he has to be #3.
Sweat Ranking - 8 out of 10 Pit Stains



2. Gary Williams - Maryland
Ah, Gary Williams...the dean of sweaty coaches. He may not be John Wooden as a coach, but he's easily the John Wooden of sweating. Williams is one of the few men that HAVE perspired through their suit. And that can not be ignored. I mean, seriously, who doesn't enjoy a guy that looks like he just took a shower, didn't towel off, got dressed, and decided to coach a basketball game? I don't think his pores ever close and it took a monumental upset for him to not be ranked #1.
Sweat Ranking - 9.25 out of 10 Pit Stains



1. Sean Sutton - Oklahoma State
If you haven't seen the Cowboys play, I recommend that you do. Not for the basketball, because they blow, but for the constant moistness of Coach Sutton. Did you watch their game on Monday @ Oklahoma? It was a thing of beauty. By the end of the game, Sutton looked like the kid that refused to take his shirt off at the pool. And he didn't wear an under shirt. It was just one very thin layer of white disgusting. Fantastic. I don't know how he did it either. Was he out drinking and driving with his old man the night before and was just trying to sweat out the gin? Maybe, we'll never know though. But what we do know is this, the man can sweat buckets just from coaching. And you've got to respect that. No one can get a perfect sweat ranking, but Sutton is close.
Sweat Ranking - 9.5 out of 10 Pit Stains

Congratulations, Sean Sutton, you are the 2008 Sweatiest Coach in the Nation!!! Someone cue up Jim Nantz's creepy, Megan's Law violator smile and "One Shining Moment".

20 comments:

Eric (Extra P.) said...

I'm sure Sutton will blame it on his flu-like symptoms, but I think he's quite capable of taking the top place without the crutch.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'm guessing that former Temple coach John Cheney is in the sweaty coaches Hall of Fame.

Digital Headbutt said...

Excellent...but where is Bob Huggins?

http://thesportshernia.typepad.com/blog/2008/01/bob-huggins-lau.html

J Beanie said...

When I saw the topic today, I was hoping Sean Sutton would be at the top. I only saw him once and it must have been Monday night but all I could think of while watching him was "My God that man can sweet. No wait, maybe they just pulled out an upset win and the team gave him the Gatoraid bath. Nope, still 12 minutes to go. I hope he's OK. He looks worse than Tom Coughlin during the game against Green Bay. I sure hope there are paramedics near by."

I was very happy to see him top your list. Well played.

The Zoner said...

Hilarious. I had figured Huggins to be in there too, and Williams to be #1. Great stuff.

I would say Huggins would be #1 in the most likely to have a heart attack during a game. He always looks like his blood pressure is through the roof.

Maybe that could be your next list...

GMoney said...

Ah, zoner, if I wanted to do a Heart Attack coaches list, I would have to include my boy, Charlie Coles, who collapsed on the bench a few years ago and also Rick Majerus. Glad you all are enjoying this, though.

I penalize Huggins a bit because he was a total dick when I attended his basketball camp a long time ago.

J Beanie said...

money154I like how you "penalized" Bob Huggins and not put him on your list of "Pit Stains." Just kind of ironic. But he was a dick at his basketball camps? His dad, the throat clearing Charlie, was a huge dick too at his camps in New Phily. In fact, my high school team left early one year and got banned from ever going back because him and my coach got in to it. I hate the whole Huggins family.

Neil said...

Hate to break it to you, but Xavier is not a mid-major program. They could play ball AND win in major conferences like the Big East (victory over UC), Big Ten (victory over IU), and the ACC (victory over Virginia). So I'd take off that "mid-major" label immediately.

GMoney said...

Sweet, Xavier honk in the house!!! You play in the A-10. That is a mid-major conference. I think you're very good, but you play in a league with Fordham and St. Bonaventure. I'm not taking down shit and may God have mercy on your soul.

Neil said...

I'm not a Xavier "honk," but I do live in Cincinnati and have seen them play this year. They will be a force in the tournament this year because they have eight players on the team who can score in double-digits in a game. They may play in the A-10, but they play better than most schools in power conferences. We'll see who still thinks they're a mid-major come March. Fair enough?

Big Thunder said...

Good list. I'd have Gary Williams at #1. And I think it is an oversight not to have Pete Gillen on there. He was a hall of fame sweat machine...

TheAman said...

They could win the whole tournament and still be a mid-major. Nothing will change about that.

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