Thursday, January 24, 2008

Channeling My Inner Larry King

Do you remember the old SNL sketches where Norm McDonald would portray Larry King? He used to make a bunch of different oddball statements with no transitions at all and switch to a different camera after each one. Well, since I'm running on empty this morning, I'm doing that today. Yep, today you get a bunch of non-sequitors that are just floating around in my head. Why? Because I care about my readers.

I'm not surprised at all that Jose Canseco is trying to blackmail Magglio Ordonez to keep him out of his next book. All he wants is money for his movie project. That sounds about right. He's classy.

A cup of yogurt is a very underrated side dish.

The Redskins, now denying that Jim Fassel will be the next coach and are interviewing coordinators before they've fired their current ones and hired a head coach, are the worst run franchise in sports.

I'm one more embarrassing loss from giving up on my Redhawks. Apparently, we have no offense to counteract a 2-3 zone. Drake will be my new team once we lose to EMU at home on Saturday.

The Moment of Truth is a fantastic game show. Welcome back, Mark L. Walberg.

Rambo is the biggest badass in the history of the world. I don't care that he helped the Taliban in Rambo III.

I flipped off 3 people on the way to work this morning and received one bird myself.

One of my few requests thus far for my upcoming nuptials is the banning of Hang On Sloopy. No fucking way am I listening to that garbage.

Having had to work on Monday, it is obvious to me that my employer is a racist.

Every time my boss asks me something, I want to punch her in the ovary. I'm a good employee.

The bitch that works near me has been listening to The Police all week. The Police suck.

My boss has still not gotten us anything for Christmas...just to let you know.

Penis is a funnier word than poop.

People that use the term "va-jay-jay" should be murdered.

I've lost a lot of sleep over the years debating which show was the worst: Everybody Loves Raymond, According to Jim, or That 70's Show.

If you want me to not pay attention to you, start talking politics.

Blackhaus is my new shot of choice at the bar. Delicious. Jagermeister is sooooo 2004.

Larry Hughes makes me think that I could play in the NBA.

I just don't think that Roger Clemens is very smart. Whether or not he shot up is moot, I think he's just a dumb guy.

How does a greek guy named Kosta Koufos come from Canton, OH?

All people that live in Massachusetts should be spayed and neutered.

I have a jar of thumbtacks on my desk and I haven't used one since I've been here.

I've been at least 15 minutes late to work every day this week. But since the boss shows up 25-30 minutes late everyday, it's the perfect crime.

The last few years, being the good Catholic that I am, I gave up red meat for Lent. This year, I'm strongly considering going vegetarian. No, I'm not gay.

I haven't had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a very long time.

Well, that was sort of fun. I'm going to spend the rest of the morning getting back into G$ mode and out of the Larry King role. Wish me luck. If you have any more completely irrelevant blanket statements that you'd like to make, leave them in the comments.


saul hudson said...

First, glad to hear you are gonna keep the classless trash element (hang on sloopy...not so much the song, but the spelling bee portion where people prove they can spell a 4-letter word) away from your wedding day! Finally, 'Charles in Charge' OR 'Who's the Boss' had the greatest tv theme song of all time! No? Then what?

Anonymous said...

A couple of weeks ago, a woman named Mary Jane called me at work. I did the usual, "Excuse me?" Then I wondered how bad it would suck to have a name like that or any other weird name that everytime you introduced yourself people would say "What?" or "Say again." Just imagine having to live with that your entire life, having to repeat your name every single time you were introduced to somebody. That would suck.


GMoney said...

saul, I've always thought that the Diff'rent Strokes theme song was the greatest theme ever.

Damman, you asshole, thanks for reminding me that I get called "Craig" at least 10 times a day.

saul hudson said...

Whatchyou talking about Craig?

J Beanie said...

I want those 4 minutes back of my life.

J Beanie said...

Not that I'd do anything worthwhile with them.

Anonymous said...

Just so you know, if Gabi wants "Hang on Sloopy" at your weddin, it will happen. After you put a ring on her finger you no longer have any say in what happens, especially with the weddin planning. You have one responsibility for it, pick out the tux. So, I can't wait to hear it and sing along.


GMoney said...

Trust me, Burgei, it ain't happening. She has already accepted it and I am personally going to make sure that the DJ doesn't even have it in their arsenal.

Anonymous said...

This could be the gayest start to an article that I have ever read, I just wish I could read the whole thing


Anonymous said...

On a side note, cumstain is even funnier than penis.

Upstate Underdog said...

"All people that live in Massachusetts should be spayed and neutered." is not an odd ball statement, but one that should be taken very seriously.

GMoney said...

Who doesn't enjoy an article about a shitty basketball player with mutton chops?

stonybrown said...

You know Tootie will have something to say about this "Hang on Sloopy" business. I'm going to stop by next door tomorrow and plant the seed of your reception's destruction.

jessegscott said...

Sloopy song is retarded. Sack your blog in the bomb! Makes me laugh everyday.