Monday, December 31, 2007

The Worst of Week 17



The regular season is now over. I'm not breaking any news here. It's been a great season in the NFL. We have a quest for perfection still ongoing, had a quest for futility in Miami, terrible coaching across the board, the return to excellence for Brett Favre, Devin Hester and Josh Cribbs making punts can't-miss plays, and, yes, the heart-warming story of a team rallying around a lost brother. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you don't think that the NFL is the greatest sport in the world, then you are as stupid as a Spears sister.

And before we get to the bad, I do have to talk about the good. For 20 fan bases, the season is over. Too bad. But I truly believe that everyone should be rooting for my Washington Redskins. Regardless of what you think about me and my man-crush on the Skins, what they have done over the past month is truly remarkable. It's been a movie script of a season in DC and just seeing these guys make the playoffs after losing their best player and having 5 other starters lost to IR, it's unbelievable. No team is playing better right now, and that includes New England. I just hope that the ride can continue because these guys deserve it. And I'm calling my shot, they will beat soft Seattle on Saturday afternoon...mark it down. The Legend of The Golden Arm of Todd Collins continues to grow. Hail to the Redskins. And now, the shitty...

10. Marc Bulger - It's been a downright awful season in St. Louis. They need to sign about 40 offensive lineman this offseason. Bulger continues to digress each year though. Getting outclassed by his former teammate Kurt Warner had to hurt. Bulger's two pick-six's yesterday was just another shining example of how awful this team truly is. But I would still take him over Derek Anderson (I still think he sucks...and he was awful again yesterday).

9. Jacksonville's Special Teams Unit - I realize that they sat a lot of guys yesterday. But special teams players don't rest. And when you give up TWO kick-off return TD's to a guy that the Browns didn't want 3 years ago...ouch. The general rule of thumb in the NFL is that when everybody predicts something to happen, it won't. Well, everyone is saying that the Jags march through Pittsburgh again on Saturday but I don't see it. I'm not sure why, but I don't see the Stillers and their Mountain Dew-laced fanbase being gracious hosts.

8. John Beck - The Columbus area was blessed with the classic Bengals/Dolphins game yesterday. It was nice to hear Gus Johnson but terrible to see CBS cut to Bill Parcells somewhere in the neighborhood of 450 times. Nice audition for the QB job, you mormon fuck. I thought that Beck would end up being the best QB from this year's draft class...I am changing my mind now. He sucks and there won't be any good QB's from this past year's draft.

7. NY Giants Secondary - I give the G-Men credit. They played to win. They played their Super Bowl on Saturday night. It was a great game that somehow was not fucked up by Elisha Manning. I won't give Tom Coughlin any credit because he is a dead fetus of a coach. But the players wanted it and I can respect that. But who the hell was in charge of covering Randy Moss??? And whoever it was should not have a job anymore. Ouch. One thing that I said at the bar after the game was that the Giants were fucked now against the Bucs. They left everything on that field and still lost. It was the ultimate demoralizer. I'm thinking that they are one-and-done.

6. Sean Payton - Last year's golden boy in the NFL did almost nothing right this season. Why, oh fucking why, does anyone kick to Devin Hester?!?!?! What more does he have to do? The Saints need to invest in some secondary help and should be back next year with their RB duo healthy and ready to roll again.

5. Herm! Edwards (The Herm! Edwards Memorial Spot) - What more does this guy have to do to get fired? The Chiefs began the season 4-3. Their record for the season is 4-12...a nine game losing streak to end the season. Scored 20 points only once over that 9 game stretch. How this moron still has a job is beyond me. Can someone try to justify this??? He just named Brodie Croyle the starting QB for the 2008 season. That is code speak for "you better hope and pray that the Chiefs are on your schedule next year". And I won...I succeeded in my quest to not watch one Chiefs play all year Even when CBS cut over to it in overtime last night, I changed the channel.

4. The Detroit Lions - They can't even compete with the Packers backups. Nice season. They are quite possibly the worst 7-9 team of all time. Fire Millen. Fire Marinelli. Fire Mike Martz. Burn Jon Kitna at the stake. They all suck. What an awful franchise...bring back Wayne Fontes!

3. The entire Dallas Cowboys team not named DeMarcus Ware - That was an all-time classic mail-in job. They had no chance to win that game anyway but I thought they'd come out and at least try to have the starters play sharp for a half. I was wrong. 1 yard rushing? ONE YARD RUSHING! The Skins defense is good, but it ain't that good. Tony Romo was God awful yet I found it hilarious that Big Dumb Wade brought him back for the second half to break the "Cowboys single season completions record". Really? You risked him getting hurt for that? That isn't important to anyone! I've said it before and I'll say it again, Roy Williams the Safety is the most overrated player in the NFL. The Cowboys are not a good team without T.O. They will not be in the Super Bowl...you heard it here first. Nothing is better than beating those fucks. Nothing.

2. Gentleman Jim Sorgi - I feel cheated. I dedicated an entire blog topic on Friday to shed light on this little-used QB and how did he respond...poorly. I know a guy who thinks that Sorgi could start for 1o teams...really? THAT guy? Sorry, Browns fans, Sorgi still sucks and you can start planning your golf trips. You knew it when you watched Robert Reynolds choke him during the OSU/Wisky game and nothing has changed now. "Go home, Browns fans"--Gentleman Jim Sorgi.

1. The Steelers Defense - I don't care how many guys they were resting...that was abysmal. You should NEVER give up 27 points to a Brian Billick coached team...with Troy Smiff at QB...and a midget RB. While I said earlier that you should take the Stillers this week, yesterday scares me...a lot. They can't tackle. Their secondary blows. They don't get pressure anymore. That was the definition of a throwaway game even if there were some late game heroics from EMU's own, Chazz Batch.

I hate Week 17. No one tries. But now it's on...PLAYOFF TIME!!! I can't wait. We'll probably preview all of the games later this week. I'm still trying to find out what time the Browns game starts though...I've searched all over the internets but I still can't find it. HA! I do have to apologize, you aren't the 2006 Jets. They made the playoffs.

Have a safe and happy New Year. I'm bringing in the new year with my first ever NHL game tonight...I'm actually excited. See ya'll Wednesday.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

The Middle Finger: Mike Conley, Sr.



You couldn't wait, could you? You just had to do it. This isn't some faggoty-ass triple jumper, this is a top 3 pick in the NFL Draft! Did you think that you were going to get away with this? SportsByBrooks has the story about how uber-seedy greenhorn agent, Mike Conley, Sr., may have prematurely ended the collegiate career of Arkansas RB Darren McFadden. And that's why this WEEKEND's Middle Finger goes to Mike Conley, Sr.

I said this last March (and Smarch) to anyone and everyone that would listen to me. It's not the BCS or poor officiating or cheating on exams or recruiting violations that are ruining collegiate athletics...it's the god damn greedy agents. Case in point, Conley, Sr. saw the dollar signs of having his son play with Greg Oden and Daequan Cook in college so he hurried his shit together and got certified as an agent. This is exactly what is wrong here. Conley, Jr. probably could have used another year of college and as a father, you tell your son that. But as an agent, you tell him to leave for the money. Big Conley gave up his role of a kid's father and family friend to the other 2 kids to pursue the almighty dollar for himself. He didn't become an agent to help his son's friends, he did it because he saw that his meal ticket was punched. And that is dispiccable.

And now he's moved down to Fayetteville to chase another pay day. This time, at the expense of one of the best RB's of the past 10-20 years. Here's the details of the investigation...

KTHV in Little Rock reports that McFadden’s college eligibility has come into question since being seen in the new Cadillac Escalade. If the car was given to him as a gift, it would mean McFadden’s amateur status is kaput, and his collegiate career is finished.

Now, diving a little deeper into the story, the SUV was paid for by Conley and put in the name of McFadden's mother. Nice work, sleezeball. I remember when I turned 16, wanted a car really bad, and my mom went to Scott Boras and asked him to buy me one. Wait a minute, I live in the real world where I can see the forest from the trees. This has stink written all over it. If Big Dumb Conley was so worried about Mama McFadden's ride, why was Darren seen driving it? Do they think that we are the stupid? That we can't connect the dots? Are D-Mac, his mother, and Conley the three most naive people on the planet? It's all possible. What isn't possible is that anyone in Arkansas could afford a Cadillac on their salaries of roadkill and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I guess the real travesty here is that we are probably going to be robbed of a classic Cotton Bowl matchup of Chase Daniel vs. D-Mac. And it's all because of a rookie agent who apparently can not wait two weeks to buy things for his potential client. Fuck you, Mike Conley, Sr, you fucking leach. You fucking mooch. You scum of the fucking Earth.

And that's why this weekend's Middle Finger goes straight up the ass of Mike Conley, Sr. He may have to move his head though because that has been up his rectum for an entire year now. You aren't an agent...you never will be.



Enjoy the weekend, children. I'll be back on Monday to wrap up week 17, have Tuesday off, and then back to work on Wednesday. And remember, Go Redskins and Go Titans!!!

Friday, December 28, 2007

Hi, My Name Is Jim Sorgi



With week 17 of the NFL upon us, we can finally get depressed. Teams have either quit or are resting their stars. There are only 3 games of importance this weekend (NE's undefeated quest, Skins/Cowboys, and Titans/Colts). ESPN has bludgened us over the head with Pats coverage and I've already described the gloriousness of The Golden Arm of Todd Collins. No, today we put the spotlight on a lesser known individual who will be directly responsible for who gets into the AFC playoffs.

Let's take a deeper look at our favorite kicker-cuddling, sideburned, backup QB, Mr. James Sorgi. I want to share with you some facts about Sorgi so that, after he loses on Sunday night, Browns fans will be less inclined to murder him. Let's get going since the brown and orange mob is already en route from Cleveland to Indy with pitchforks ready to go.

--born 12/3/1980 in Fraser, Mich (I'm 2 months older than this guy! Born in suburban Detroit so you know he's a gangsta)

--was Detroit News “Dream Team” quarterback (but did he rock the Chris Mullin flat top?)

--was first-team all-state, all-county and all-league in 1998…92 completions broke former major league pitcher Pat Hentgen's school record (a Pat Hentgen reference!!!)

--Sorgi and his wife, Lana, reside with their son, James III, in Brownsburg, Ind. (you can't kill a family man, can you, Dawg Pound?)

--majored in agriculture business management (who doesn't love a farming gun-slinger?)

--One-year starter at Wisconsin…saw action in 32 games at QB with 17 starts…was school's career leader in passing efficiency (that's not very impressive, I could sit here all day and not remember another QB at Wisconsin)

--Jim Sorgi was drafted in the sixth round in the 2004 NFL Draft by the Indianapolis Colts (you know who else was a 6th round draft pick from a Big Ten school...Jon Navarre!!!)

--2005: Appeared in five games as reserve QB…posted career-best seasonal totals with 42-61-444, 3 TDs/1 int., 99.4 rating (not bad...for me to poop on)

--2006: Appeared in one game as holder on PAT attempt vs. Houston 9/17 (one game as a holder??? Was he fired from that duty? Was it too much for him?)

--2007: 7-12, 0 TD's (but the final chapter has yet to be written...)

--On April 13, 2007 he signed a one year contract worth $850,000 ($53,125 per game). On October 29, 2007 the Colts extended his contract for another three years, the financial terms of which have yet to be disclosed (nothing is better than seeing someone become complacent with their place in this world; seriously, I would agree to be Peyton's backup for 10% of that)

--During Press Week before the Super Bowl, Sorgi talked about auditioning to be the new Ol' Lonely, Maytag's repairman character (What the fuck? Why was any reporter talking to him anyway? And if I am Sorgi and am trying to be a joke maker to the media, I'm going to the hole with something stronger than that. A Maytag repairman joke? Why not just go with a "your mom" joke?)

--As The Hater Nation has pointed out numerous times, his mother enjoys the sweet, sweet taste of gin (Seriously, click the link, THN is hilarious when it comes to the gin-soaked diatribes of Mrs. Sorgi)

A few more that you'll only get from this blog...
--nicknamed "Horsecock Johnson" by his Colts teammates
--is lactose tolerant
--listens to nothing but Skee-Lo albums
--in lieu of saying "hello" to people, he gives the double thumbs up, Fonzie "Ayyyyy"
--has his own off-off broadway, one man show titled, "Headsets and Clipboards"
--killed James Dungy
--childhood idol was former Lions great, "Thumbs Up" Mike Utley

Well, there you have it. This is the guy who is deciding playoff matchups. The Browns are in big, big trouble. God Bless the NFL. I'm back tomorrow with a rare Saturday "stuck at work" post. Go Skins.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

The SEC Is Better



This topic will surely garner a lot of hate from the Big Ten honks that frequent this site. But it needs to be said and proven. The SEC is better than the Big Ten...in every possible facet. Whether it be the speed, the skill positions, hell, even the hotness of the coeds, The SEC reigns supreme. But I'm going to dig a little deeper today to illustrate my point. I'm looking at the coaches of the football programs. Below, I have ranked the 11 Big Ten coaches along with 11 of the 12 SEC coaches and made the seeds go head-to-head to determine the winner. Let's see how this all turns out...

11's: Minnesota's Tim Brewster vs. Kentucky's Rich Brooks - Brooks has been kind of a decrepit monkey skeleton of a coach until the last few years where it appears that he has found his niche. Brewster went 1-11 as a rookie with his lone win coming in double overtime against this blogger's alma mater. Winner - Brooks

10's: Indiana's Bill Lynch vs. Tennessee's Phil Fulmer - Bill Lynch was fired by Ball State. Lynch did lead the Hoosiers to a bowl game (which I predicted in the preseason!) but I've seen this guy coach...it ain't good. Fulmer, for my money, is the worst coach to ever win a national title. But, for some reason, he continues to win 8-9 games a year and kids want to play for him. I don't get it either. Winner - Fulmer

9's: Northwestern's Pat Fitzgerald vs. Mississippi State's Sly Croom - Fitzgerald wasn't ready to be a head coach yet (and it shows) but was forced into it due to Randy Walker's death a few years ago. He might be good down the road, but he's not there yet. I really like what Croom is doing at MSU. It's been a slow process, but the foundation is there evidenced by their bowl game. Winner - Sly Croom

8's: Purdue's Joe Tiller vs. LSU's Les Miles - I had Tiller ranked higher until last night's Motor City Bowl in which Purdue choked a 21 point second half lead and held on by their foreskins. The Walrus-lookin' coach has been pretty awful without Drew Brees. Miles is an idiot. He can recruit, he can draw up trick plays, and he can flip flop in the media. That's about it. But he does get a ton of talent to come play for him. Winner - Miles

7's: Michigan State's Mark Dantonio vs. Ole Miss's Houston Nutt - Before the season, I thought that Dantonio would change things up in Lansing. But we saw the same old shit...a second half collapse and players getting suspended. Bring back John L. Smith! Or Bobby Williams! Nutt is a very underrated coach who's Arkansas teams always seem to cause some of the biggest upsets in the nation. Ole Miss is going to be fine with him at the helm. Winner - Nutt

6's: Penn State's Joe Paterno vs. Auburn's Tommy Tuberville - Paterno hasn't coached this team in a decade. The only reason he's this high is because of his resume. Tuberville consistently heads up a 9 win team. They may not be flashy, but they win games. Hell, he's beaten Florida the past two years! Paterno can't even beat prunes. Winner - Tuberville

5's: Illinois's Ron Zook vs. Arkansas's Bobby Petrino - Well, this just goes to show the differences between these two conferences...if Zook was still at UF, he would easily be the worst coach in the SEC. In the Big Ten, he's in the top 5. I like Zook but I think we can all admit that he's kind of an idiot. Petrino is a non-NFL offensive guru. If we can forget about his tenure with the Falcons, the guy can flat out coach. Winner - Petrino

4's: Iowa's Kirk Ferentz vs. South Carolina's Ol' Ball Coach - Two of the more overrated coaches in the nation!!! I've never understood all the love that Ferentz gets. What has he done? He's been at Iowa for a long time now and still can't win more than 7-8 games. If he's that great of coach, then why can't he recruit??? As far as Spurrier goes, I wouldn't want him for a full season, but I'd take him in a heartbeat to win one game for me. Man, he was great with the Redskins, too. Winner - Spurrier

3's: Wisconsin's Brett Bielema (sp?) vs. Georgia's Mark Richt - Come on...are you serious? This ain't even close. Winner - Richt

2': Michigan's Rich Rodriguez vs. Alabama's Nick Saban - The first tough call...I love Michigan's hire and think that the spread can work in the Big Ten. But he will need to bring Terrelle Pryor in as his QB. Saban, on the other hand, is a jerk, a traitor, and maybe a pedophile. But the guy wins everywhere he goes (not the NFL though). In the end, I'll take the guy with the ring over the up and comer. Winner - Saban

1's: Ohio State's Sweater Vest vs. Florida's Urban Meyer - As much as I hate the Buckeyes, Tressel is a pretty damn good coach. His teams are always prepared to play when they don't have 50 days off. If it wasn't for the Big Ten's retarded scheduling policy, he may have two titles already. But he doesn't. And you all know why...Urban Meyer. It feels like Meyer never loses. His offenses can't be stopped. The only thing that slows him down are underclassmen leaving early. This is a tough call for me but the answer is in the head-to-head...Meyer should have been arrested for murder that night. Winner - Meyer

So there you have it, the SEC wins 11-0. Now that can change, but right now, the SEC just has better leadership than their Big Ten counterparts. So quit your bitching, Big Ten fans, there's the proof of your inferiority. And if you want more, I'll end with this...



Auburn Fan.



Ohio State Fans. I rest my case. The SEC rules.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Nothing Is Happening...



Ugh. Nothing is going on in the world of sports right now worth my discussion. Much like these factory workers, I too trudged back to work today. I've been trying to come up with a topic all morning and still have nothing. So, what you get today is a big 'ol dump of links. Maybe I'll have something for you tomorrow. Maybe.

***Want a year's worth of free groin massages??? Deuce of Davenport tells the tale of one con man's quest.

***JoeSportsFan gets into the holiday spirit with a compilation of weird, funny, and semi-retarded Christmas commercials.

***Larry Brown Sports debates the record seasons of Jerry Rice and Randy Moss.

***Lion In Oil tells a sad, sad story of one WVU fan who is so mad that Rich Rodriguez left, that he shaved off his beard...and is selling it on eBay. You stay classy, Morgantown.

***Mister Irrelevant lets us know that Arizona State cheerleaders are sluts. Good times. Although it's not like they had the best reputations anyway.

***One More Dying Quail tries to figure out what the Hall Of Fame should do with the Mitchell Report. I would suggest toilet paper.

***Signal To Noise is right on the money...shut the fuck up, Phillip Rivers. You are a terrible QB even with all of the weapons you've been surrounded by, you have no room to talk trash to anyone living or dead.

***SportsByBrooks tells us that LeBron's agency has decided to represent that 59 year old grandpa who plays college football. No, this isn't a horrible idea at all.

***The Pig Pen says that SMU wants June Jones as their next coach. Why would anyone leave Hawaii to go to a shitty school in the cesspool of Dallas???

***Congratulations go out to the New York Post for having the dumbest picture/headline ever. The Sports Hernia with the info.

***And finally, saving the sexiest for last, With Leather offers up "The Year In Hot Chicks". Yeah, it's great and is pretty much safe for work. You're going to click on it anyway so who cares if it is safe or not, right? Enjoy that.

Alright, I'm out. I need to rest up for the Motor City Bowl tonight (not true). See you all tomorrow, hopefully with some fresh material. But I doubt it.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Worst of Week 16



I'm coming to you today LIVE from my office in Dublin, Ohio with another rendition of the Worst of the NFL. Yes, that's right, I'm stuck at work today. Out of the usual 4000+ people that work in my building, about 15 are here today and lucky for you, I am one of them. I've got my 3,000 ounce UDF coffee, holiday spirit, and some shitty footballing ready to go today. Let's get crackin' before I hit the road again this afternoon for some more wild family Christmas hijinx.

10. Boise State Broncos - Oh, Chris Peterson...what a difference 12 months can make. Last bowl season, you were the darling of college football with your wacky play calling and general tomfoolery. And then yesterday, you prove 99% of America wrong that had you guys rolling up on ECU in the Hawaii Bowl. That was a pretty good game though. The Pirates, behind Lou Holtz's son, were freaking awesome. How that team lost 5 games is something I don't understand. But back to the Broncos, that was awful...just repeatedly shot themselves in the foot. I would be more pissed but everyone in my bowl pool had BSU so it doesn't hurt at all. In fact, you might say it's soothing.

9. Jeff Garcia and Jon Gruden - I was upset in my only fantasy playoffs yesterday and the next 3 people will draw all of my ire for the loss. If you only planned on playing Garcia for less than a half...THEN FUCKING TELL US. I would have played Trent Edwards had I known that (still would not have mattered, I got killed). I hope he breaks his homoerotic back the next time he's on the field. Oh, I know, that sounds harsh, but I'm the same guy that was laughing when Jeremy Shockey broke his leg. Oh, come on, don't give me that look. The guy is a freakin' douche.

8. Willis McGahee - I'll be honest, Willis carried my team more than he hurt it this year and was probably a top 6-8 RB if you value touchdowns over yards (which you should). But 5 carries for 10 yards and broken ribs is not welcomed on my now dead team. And when you combine that with Brian Westbrook's awful performance yesterday (how do the Eagles score 38 and Westbrook doesn't get any?) it makes for a pretty convincing loss. Add to that that I had T.O. too, and you can see why I fired my fantasy football athletic training staff today.

7. Plaxico Burress - Captain Vagina himself. He suckered me in. His early season touchdown barrage had me thinking that he was the real deal and a top 5 WR. He isn't. He never will be. He hasn't practiced all damn year. I should have sold high on him when he actually had value. And when I needed him the most, 1 catch for 6 fucking yards and a big goddamn fantasy football goose egg. I fucking hate the Giants so much. Did you know that Giants fans are the #1 cause of back hair??? True story.

6. Kevin (fixed) Everett - I know, I know, but hear me out. It's pretty clear to me that the Bills hate this guy. They can't even win for him. After seeing what the Skins are doing for 21's memory, he has got to be pissed that his teammates don't have the same resolve or the same Golden Arm of Todd Collins. Let's take a look at Buffalo's "Tyler Everett Games"...week one, he gets paralyzed on the field and they blow a lead against Denver. Week two, they dedicate the game to him and the Pats wax them. And yesterday, while he's on the field, they are gashed for 800 yards rushing by mediocre running backs. Sorry, Tyler, you deserve better teammates.

5. Herm! Edwards (The Herm! Edwards Memorial Spot) - Lose to the Lions? Check. Get outcoached by Rod Marinelli? Check. 4-11 record? Check. Reclaiming the #5 spot on this list? Check again. Good work, Herm!. You sir, are truly an abysmal football coach but an excellent punching bag.

4. Saints Defense - It takes a special kind of bad defense to be picked apart by the maggoty corpse of Donovan F. McNabb (The F stands for Fingerbang). Have some pride. You are playing for a fucking playoff berth and you come out with that? The Saints aren't very good in general and deserve to be sitting at home in January...not like a certain team, from a certain nation's capital, with a certain Golden Arm at quarterback.

3. Tarvaris Jackson - I've been able to see him play twice in the past week and he was Don Keyballs in both games. This kid sucks. Yes, he can run and hand the ball off. But the genius of Gregg Williams was not going to let All Day and Chet Taylor beat us. Oh no, make this bum beat you. And he failed miserably. It was great to see Mr. Sex Boat himself, Fred Smooooooooooot, get a big pick on the first possession in his return to Minnesota. He's playing incredibly well. Interesting story on Smoot. 3 years ago, I went to the Skins/Browns game in Cleveland (I'm smart, I didn't wear any Redskins gear). The Browns won somehow but the best part of the game was in the stands. About 4 rows in front of me were 4 large, African American Skins fans and one was wearing a Smoot jersey. Well, the classy Browns fans were taunting him for about a quarter and were throwing peanuts at him. All of a sudden at a TV timeout, he and the rest of his group, calmly exited their row, walked past me and went another 3 rows up, and Smoot Jersey started beating the shit out of peanut thrower. It was insane. No one stepped in. I thought the guys was going to die. The Browns fans were literally terrified of this insane Fred Smoot fan. Of course, once Smoot was arrested and thrown out, the taunts came back and Browns fans reverted back to their old selves, but I have a ton of respect for Smoot Jersey Guy. If you read this, you sir, are a fantastic individual. And Fred Smoot is fantastic. And Tarvaris Jackson sucks.

2. Brett Favre/Jon Ryan - What an abortion that was. It was like Brett Favre had never played in the cold before. Brett Favre was outplayed by Kyle Orton...wow. That almost hurt to type. And how do you get 2 punts blocked and fumble another one, Jon Ryan? The Bears aren't coached by Frank Fake Neck Beamer! The is the NFL, dammit, you're lucky if you see 2 blocked punts all year! Green Bay totally fucked themselves. Losing twice to the Bears is more embarrassing than drinking way too much at your office holiday party and making out with your co-worker, Roger. Never happened by the way, it's just an example. The Skins were going to allow you to stay home for the playoffs but you just wouldn't allow it. Apparently, the Bears are just too good.

1. Derek Anderson - No one was a bigger loser yesterday than the wildly erratic and overrated, Derek Anderson. Not even my uncle, who kept trying to tell me that the Reds were going to be good this year, was a bigger loser. DA single-handedly cost the Browns the playoffs (I'd put everything I own on Jeff Fisher next week) and a fat ass contract with one shitty game against one shitty team. How can you be that bad against the Bengals? How do you lose to Carson Palmer? I'll tell you why...he isn't good. I stand by my statement that he is not a top 15 QB in the league. There are 15 others that I would take over this scrub. I know that I brought this up last week, but where are those people that laughed at me for saying I'd take the dapper David Garrard over Anderson at??? Fuck you, Browns fans, you enjoy your fluke season with no playoffs. I'll just continue to watch my boys play inspired, great football. Derek Anderson sucks.

On that note, I look forward to hearing a bunch of stupid shit from Browns fans in the comments about how they aren't terrible. I can't wait. It is BEAT DALLAS WEEK here at The Money Shot. I do wish they had something to play for because it's better to beat the shit out of those asswipes when they are at full strength. But a win is a win and a win is coming. The Legend of Todd Collins continues to grow and will not be stopped by mortal men.

Golden Arm > Tony Romo

Merry Xmas and Hail to the Redskins!!! I'll be back Wednesday.

Friday, December 21, 2007

On The Road...



Shit, I forgot to tell you guys yesterday that I'd be out today. I'm leaving with some good, old-fashioned Clark W. Griswold tirade to get you in the Christmas spirit. As for me, I'm still jacked that the RedHawks beat Illinois last night.

Holiday schedule: I'll be back home this afternoon until Sunday when I drive back. Yes, I have to work Monday from 8-2 so you'll get a Christmas Eve Blog. Then I drive the 2 hours back home after work, pretty much just for a dinner, and then have to drive back the next day since I work on Wednesday. It's going to fucking suck.

Christmas on Tuesday is the worst invention ever. And in case you were wondering, I still haven't received anything from my coworkers. I'm thisclose to pulling an Office Space Milton on that place.

Well, fuck it, whatever. I'm out. Have a good weekend. Spread some cheer and herpes. And just wait, Miami is going to beat Kansas tomorrow and the Skins will beat the Vikings...it's going to be a glorious weekend.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Middle Finger: Curt Schilling



I thought I was getting into the holiday spirit. I thought I was full of good tidings and cheer. I thought that I would take The Middle Finger on a holiday sabbatical. But fuck that. And considering that I gave my co-workers a Christmas gift and haven't seen shit in return, my mood is back to being bitter.

You know, I enjoy the sport of blogging. It is one of my passions. I thought that I would support anyone who authored a blog. No way. I can't do it. Because my least favorite athlete ever is shooting off his big, fat, red state mouth again. I'm not going to link his blog for the simple reason that I don't want my trusted, deviant readers to read his fecal matter.

This week's Middle Finger goes straight up the old poopshoot of the bloody sock faker, Curt Schilling.

Oh, it wouldn't be a baseball storyline if Big Fat 38 didn't weigh in on the topic. He's back with some retarded statements regarding The Mitchell Report. Let's get some quotes going here so you can see just how big of an idiot Schilling truly is.

"From that point on the numbers were attained through using [performance-enhancing drugs]. Just like I stated about Jose [Canseco], if that is the case with Roger, the four Cy Youngs should go to the rightful winners, and the numbers should go away if he cannot refute the accusations."

Roger has never admitted to anything, Curt, yet you are calling for Cy Young runner-ups to claim an award that they never earned??? Even if Roger did agree to vacate his award, only a pathetic person would claim an award that they never won anyway...like say, you, perhaps. Can we take away your World Series championship this year since Eric Gagne was on the team???Look, there is a lot of things out there that make it easy to point a finger at The Rocket (not Chet Steadman). But it still remains to be proven that he has done anything that isn't legit. There is a snitch trainer, that's it. There is nothing else. Roger denies it. I'm not sure who to believe at this point. Fine, let's move on. I'm sure you won't though.

"The greatest pitcher and greatest hitter of all time are currently both being implicated, one is being prosecuted, for events surrounding and involving the use of performance enhancing drugs. That [stinks]. ... The sport needs fixing."

Well, that's just untrue. Bonds isn't being prosecuted for drugs, he's being prosecuted as a liar. Get the facts straight, you pederass. The sport needs fixing? Maybe you should lead the charge! You apparently think that you are some sort of leader and a martyr for the purification of baseball. Why don't you focus on your own clubhouse first. Take a look at a guy that sucked with the Twins and they cut him; not because of their penny-pinching ways, but because he was awful. A few months later, he's hitting 500 foot home runs. Hmmm, I forget his name, but I think you know who I'm talking about. Start "fixing the sport" by talking to him.

Wait a minute! I think I've heard this somewhere before. A pretty good pitcher in his 20's and early 30's, all of a sudden becomes dominant in his mid-30's, and pitches well into his 40's still throwing the same hard stuff that he threw when he was 25. As Men At Work once sang, Who Could It Be Now??? Congratulations, Curt, you've had the EXACT same career path as Roger Clemens. You aren't nearly as good, but the exact same career spikes. What do you have to say about that, asshole? Yeah, I'm saying it here and now, CURT SCHILLING TOOK PERFORMACE ENHACING DRUGS. I have all the evidence that I need. It's all the evidence that the public needs to "convict" Roger Clemens. Take a polygraph, dickcheese, prove me wrong.

Big Fat 38, if you want to roll other people under the bus, that's your call. I know that I like to do it, but you and I live by different rules. I'm awesome and you sleep with little boys. But I know you did shit, too. I know it. The same evidence that makes us all want to villify Roger is the same evidence that you are trying to be kept a secret. You are a snake, a cumslinger, a douche, a weasel, a rat, another non-domesticated animal, and most importantly, a shitty human being.

I hope you get castrated for Christmas. And that is why this holiday version of the Middle Finger goes to Curt Schilling. SHUT THE FUCK UP...for once. Your opinion is not needed and was not asked for.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Tribute To Art Shell Ref" Edition. Wait for it, trust me, you won't be disappointed.

***Another Referee Scandal...Sign Me Up - Wow. That's all I can say. I just read Yahoo's report on Big Ten referee, and first prize winner of the Art Shell Lookalike Contest 1985-2007, Stephen Pamon. Insane. First of all, I loved seeing this guy on TV...made me laugh every time. But Art Shell Ref is in a lot of trouble. Read that article, this guy is a scumbag. The "best parts": making his three step sons strip down to their underwear and beating them with an extension cord and the sexual assualt of his 19 year old niece. You stay classy, Art Shell Ref, you will be missed on Saturday afternoons.

***Thank You For Doing The Right Thing, Pro Bowl Voters - The Pro Bowl rosters were announced yesterday and I think it shows nothing but class that Sean Taylor was named a starter posthumously. Very good job to respect a fallen colleague. I really have no problems with the rosters except for Mario Williams and Fred Taylor being snubbed. Willie Parker and his 2 touchdowns did not deserve to go. Ask any Parker fantasy owner if he should be in the Pro Bowl. Yes, Browns fans, if not one Jag made it, then you should be happy with 2. Big Ben has better numbers than DA and Tony Gonzalez has slightly better numbers than Winslow but did it on a team coached by Herm!. If you play for Herm!, you should always get the benefit of the doubt. It is also doubtful that Art Shell Ref will be in Hawaii due to the lack of $100 blackjack tables.

***You Don't Need The Juice If You Are A Workout Fiend - Roger Clemens finally released his statement of innocence yesterday...I believe him. Why not? The guy is reknowned for being a gym rat. We are never going to know the full truth on this anyway so I'm going to believe the guy. Is that naive? Maybe. But I don't care, if there's one thing I've learned from watching a lot of TV and movies, it is that you never trust a snitch. If it eventually comes out WITH PROOF that The Rocket did some sketchy shit, then he deserves to be stripped down to his tighty whities and between with an extension cord by the ruthless hand of Art Shell Ref.

***Bobby Bowden Runs A Clean Program - Bobby, if you're reading this, please retire. Your program is in shambles, you likely don't know who half your players are, and you still are in awe that the players don't wear leather helmets anymore. 25+ players suspended for cheating on an internet test...Jesus titty-fucking Christ. How bad are they going to get killed by Andre Woodson??? 52-0? In my confidence picks bowl pool, I initially picked FSU at 4 for the mild upset. But thank God the pool is online now. As soon as that shit went up yesterday, I immediately switched from FSU 4 to UK 31. So, in a way, thanks Bobby...as a reward I'm sure Art Shell Ref would rape your niece.

***Another Fried Chicken Recipe For Disaster - Atlanta Falcons owner and black stereotype aficionado, Arthur Blank, is in talks with Bill Parcells to come and run the team as GM or some type of talent evaluation role. I don't even know why Parcells would even think about doing this. The Falcons are going to suck for at least another 5 years. It doesn't matter who is making the talent decisions, the cupboard there is bare and the talented players are fucking douchebags. This team needs to be flushed down the toilet and reset. Seriously though, has anyone had a worse year than Arthur Blank??? You know who could help the Falcons? Art Shell Ref, because according to Joe Tiller, he's a crook.

***That Polyp Was NOT a PTP'er - I like Dick Vitale. I do. Yes, he's very much biased toward the ACC and he has a hard time staying on topic but I respect the man's passion for what he does. And he's a Tampa Bay Rays (not Devil Rays anymore but possibly named after Ray Pruitt?) season ticket holder and you've got to respect that. Dickie V had a polyp removed from his vocal cord yesterday and is apparently doing well. Get well soon, Dickie V, I'm going to need you come March to defend the Miami at-large resume. Considering he name drops Charlie Coles every other broadcast, I think that's a safe bet. Unlike Art Shell Ref, Dickie V was never fired from the police force for sexual harrassment.

***How Foolish Of Us To Think Britney Was The Biggest Loser In The Family - We're coming full circle here, I promise. It's being reported that Jamie Lynn Spears (Britney's sister and supposedly the "good" kid) is knocked up at the ripe and tender age of 16. And yes, little Spears says she is going to have the kid. You've really got to hand it to the South, condoms are pretty easy to purchase and protect you from shit like this, but they say fuck it. We don't need your stinkin' help. The rumored father of the baby...you guessed it...Art Shell Ref. She definitely fits his age demographic.

Well, that was fun, wasn't it? I had a good time. Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Having Fun With StatCounter



I've been putting my brain through a Torture Rack over the past 24 hours trying to come up with a good Middle Finger topic...and I've still got nothing. The best I could do was how I hate Christmas music. No one wants to hear about that. Hell, I don't even want to type that. So instead, we're going in a different direction today. There will be no Middle Finger today, I guess you could say that I'm filled with too much holiday cheer. Or that I'm still drunk from breakfast. Either way, let's get going.

You all see that little red box underneath the links and recent posts on the right hand side. Well, that little beauty tells me everything. How many people come here a day, where they are from, what they searched to find me...it's great. It's like my own personal internet GPS. Yes, Rune, I know where you are stationed and where you log in from the pacific rim...it's excellent. The "recent keyword searches" feature is absolutely hilarious and today, I share the best with you. The following is a list of phrases that, when googled, lead people here to The Money Shot.

"gay native americans fucking" - a real head scratcher seeing as I don't believe this has ever been a topic addressed and I can't imagine anyone wanting to see a site dedicated to this act

"jamal lewis naked" - I'm thinking that this search was conducted from a federal prison...you'd be surprised how often this phrase pops up though

"snorting percoset" - It's good to know that some kid out there is trying to uncover the correct way to do this but I don't think I can be of any assistance

"police federales" - a Federales reference!!! What a fag.

"80s hair metal wife beaters" - ah yes, a classic topic...it begins and ends with Tawny Kitaen kicking the shit out of former pitcher, Chuck Finley

"balls hanging out, teen wolf" - you idiot, everyone knows that the guy in the stands at the end of Teen Wolf had has dick hanging out of his pants and not his nuts

"it hurts when i finger myself" - I don't know what to tell you, kid, keep practicing

"i'm 13 and i finger myself" - I'm not going to touch this one but I am happy that teenagers are seeking out my advice on masturbation

"fuck steve phillips" and "steve phillips is an idiot" - You have no idea how often these phrases show up...almost daily.

and finally...



"richard karn nude pictures" - I shit you not. There is some deviant fuck out there seeking scrotal shots of Al Borland. You know what, it was probably Richard Karn conducting his own search to see if his dangle was on the internets. This search result was the reason behind this blog topic today.

Good times, good times.

Just a quick one before I head out for the day...in my weekly column for our sister site, Mid America Nattering, I unveiled my all-MAC basketball team selections from 1990-current. Give it a look...there are some real ballers on this list. You know you want to read about Devin Davis!!!

Adios kids, and remember, start with two fingers and work your way up to a fist...dear God, what an exit!!!

Monday, December 17, 2007

The Worst of Week 15



Well, everything seems to be wrapping up as far as the playoff picture goes in the NFL. EXCEPT for that spot in the NFC. And guess who's back to .500 after an impressive win in the Meadowlands last night...The Golden Arm Of Todd Collins featuring the Washington Redskins!!! The Legend continues. But, enough about the greatness of the NFL, on Mondays we talk about the shitty. For once, it was actually quite easy to get 10 without having to dip into the Raiders or Chiefs. Let's get going...

10. Jack Frost - I was actually looking forward to the Browns/Bills, Stillers/Jags, and Pats/Jets this past weekend. The problem was that the damn weather did not cooperate. The Browns/Bills game, in particular, was a big, white abortion. That sucked. Am I really supposed to believe that one of those teams is better than the other? What did we see that suggests "ok, the Browns are for real." Nothing. Fuck you, Lake Effect snowstorm, that was supposed to be a great game and you ruined it. On a side note, I got into an argument with some absolutely retarded Browns fans who think they could get a first round pick for Derek Anderson in the offseason (no fucking way). I said that I would take David Garrard any day over Anderson. ANY DAY. Let's look at their performances this weekend in virtually the same conditions. Anderson sucked at home against a porous defense with one of the best OL, TE, and WR in the game. Garrard led his team to a win IN Pittsburgh, threw 3 TD's to boot, and continues to get better every week. I rest my case.

9. Chris Redman - Now this isn't really fair. After all, the only reason Redman is back in the NFL is because of his old coach, Pig Sooey Petrino. Oops. Now he's stuck...like "4-13 for 34 yards and two picks" stuck. At about 4:20 yesterday, I made the comment to the redhead that the Ravens were the worst team in the NFL (analysis coming in about 7 spots). He fired back rather quickly with an "Atlanta Falcons disagree." Touche, salesman, touche.

8. Tom Brady - Yeah, yeah, yeah they won. They're 14-0. But a lot of people (not me fortunately) were counting on you yesterday, Thomas. And you let them down. I know that I blamed the weather earlier for ruining good games, but you are Tom Brady...King of the World and Man That Can Knock Up Whoever He Wants. You are better than that, the weather should not detour you. No touchdowns!!! There are about 300,000+ fantasy football owners, recently eliminated from their playoffs, that would like to have a word with you. But not me, you being out of the playoffs is a blessing for me. Thank you, Tom, I offer you 8 virgins as a thank you gift.

7. Shaun Alexander - I listened to Hayseed Bradshaw try to justify the Seahawks loss to the Panthers on The OT (why I was watching that shit, I have no idea) last night by saying that the travel caught up to Seattle...I don't buy it. I said it before and I'll say it again, the Seahawks suck. And Alexander takes the cake (whatever that means). The 400 pounds of human excrement ripped off a tremendous 7 carries for 17 yard game in which he had a run of 20 yards. How is that even possible! Shaun Alexander sucks, Mo-Mo is a better RB, enough said.

6. Carson Palmer - Captain Overrated himself wasn't even good enough to win in San Francisco on Saturday night. I caught the 4th quarter of this game at the bar and was truly impressed with his mediocrity. When you have a pretty decent running game and 3 of the top 30 WR in the game, how can you be this bad. But considering that I was going against Palmer, Housh, and Chris Henry in my fantasy playoffs this weekend, I'll take it. The Bengals are a fucking mess. And knowing their horrid front office, that likely means that Marvin Lewis is due for a 10 year contract extension.

5. Mike Shanahan (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - It is no secret that Orange Face hates fantasy football. He clearly tried to sabotage me this weekend (but it didn't work). Last week, Selvin Young ripped 150+ yards. This week, against the 23rd rated rush defense, Young gets only 8 carries. What the fuck? No wonder the Broncos got their asses kicked by Jew Athlete of the Year, Sage Rosenfels. Please Shanny, I beg you. Selvin Young is your best RB by far...give him his 20 carries. Ah fuck it, fuck you, Orange Face.

4. Jon Kitna - Is there anything better than this Lions collapse??? Well yes, yes there is, but that is #1 this week. Nice game from Jesus's buddy yesterday. 5 picks? 5 picks! Lions fans, all ten of them, have to be very excited with the direction of this team right now. They are playing hard, playing physical, and displaying excellent fundamentals...wait a minute, the Lions are doing none of those and I was actually describing the awesomeness of the Redskins. Kitna fucking sucks. I'm starting it right here, right now...PLAY JP O'SULLIVAN!!! That has to be the first time that that has ever been said.

3. Brandon Jacobs - If you were fortunate enough to see the Sunday Nighter, you would have seen a handful of things: the world record for most shotgun draws, Eli Manning looking dejected, Jeremy Shockey breaking his leg (!), and the Legend of Todd Collins continuing to grow (can you imagine the ratings NBC will get next week for the titanic Adrian Peterson vs. Todd Collins matchup!). Also, Brandon Jacobs was a beast gashing 130+ yards on the ground against the 6th best rush defense in the league. The problem is, and I actually felt bad for Eli Messiah for this, his receivers dropped everything. For all the good that Jacobs did on the ground, he dropped 6 passes. SIX. You are supposed to be a professional, catch the fucking ball. And why did Tom Coughlin still have him in the game on passing downs??? Well, that's what makes Coughlin the great coach that he is.

2. Brian Billick - Fucking pathetic. This game pissed me off more than any other yesterday. I wanted the Dolphins to go winless...they deserved it. They earned it. But not so fast, the Ravens are God awful. Historical lesson here...almost everyone at ESPN picked the Ravens to win the North this year. Not me. I picked them third. I am a smart blogging machine. I knew that Brian Billick was the worst coach in the league. But that's not any breaking news, he proved it yesterday by getting outmaneuvered by THEE Cam Cam. Terrible. And somehow the Ravens front office said his job is safe. Ridiculous. I should seriously start applying for NFL head coaching jobs. You get paid a ton of money to be a dumbass.

1. Tony Romo!!! - Oh, this one made me smile. For the past few weeks, I've been kinda/sorta rooting for the Cowboys to keep winning so that they would sit their "stars" come week 17 when they come to DC. But you know what, fuck that. We can beat them with their big guns, we should have a month ago in their place. And now I hold out hope that the Skins are the reason that Dallas has to go to Green Bay on a cold January night. Back to yesterday though, Romo was the Brian Billick of QB's. I had a goofy-ass, Romo-esque smile on my face during the entire game. If he didn't have Jason Witten, he might not have completed a pass at all. I've said it before and I'll say it again...Tony Romo isn't that good. And another thing, a big fuck you to Fox for turning a football game into a glorified E! with all the shots of Jessica Simpson. It's football, dammit, not used-to-be-hot-yet-still-untalented-boobs-with-a-crappy-voice show. She hasn't done anything in over 2 years (just like Brian Billick!). She was even rocking the cardinal sin of sports fans, the pink fucking jersey. You just know that Joe Buck was loving all those shots, I bet he was the one that called for them. I am so sick and tired of Tony Romo's love life. It's fucking boring and detracts from his shitty play from yesterday and likely upcoming awful playoff performances. I hate the Cowboys so much. I hope Jerry Jones enjoyed his mustache ride from Andy Reid.

That's it today. Go Redskins. And tonight, Go Bears.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Mike Vick Is A Retard



With all the George Mitchell/steroid stuff going around, one truly insane individual is flying a bit under the radar. Chances are, you haven't heard this story yet but it is truly ridiculous. I'd like to thank sexy man about town, mediocre fantasy football GM, and occasional blog commenter, Drew, for the tip.

Our favorite dog-killing QB is begging for leniency. And this time...he's got friends. I'll be using the format of copying some quotes and analyzing them in the way that only I, and millions of other bloggers, can. Enjoy this absurdity.

Michael Vick declared "I am not the bad person or beast I've been made out to be" and asked for leniency in a letter to the federal judge who sentenced him to 23 months in prison for a dogfighting conspiracy.

Yes, you are. Your rap sheet, Ron Mexico alter-ego, and family begs to differ. Ask similar horrible decision-maker, Arthur Blank, if you are a bad person.

"I take full responsibility for my actions and am ashamed that my actions hurt animals and allowed animals to be hurt and killed," Vick wrote. "... Your Honor, I just ask for a second chance."

Give me a break. What a load of crap. You want a second chance, huh? With the drugs, herpes and now dogs, wouldn't this be a 5th or 6th chance? You aren't Steve Howe, you're done.

"Throughout this entire case, I've just tried to be honest," Vick wrote. "Sometimes I didn't know how to be and was scared, but eventually I put everything out on the table and left no stones unturned."

There's a big difference between being completely honest and being forced to be honest since your boys rolled on you and you had no more lies to tell. I know that for me, I often have NO IDEA how to tell the truth. People ask me if I want another beer and I am clueless. I don't know how to answer that question. I have a feeling that I want one, but since I too struggle with a truth deficiency, I end up defacating into my own hand. "Eventual honesty" does not equate to a changed man that deserves a lesser punishment.

He described himself as a "humble, soft spoken and caring" father of three and lamented the effect his crime has had on his older children, ages 5 and 2.
"This has been painful because my son watches the news and can understand whats going on with his father," he wrote, adding that his daughter asked him on a regular basis when he would be home to play games with her, "but I have no answer."


This same "humble, soft spoken, and caring" guy flipped off the entire Falcons fan base last year. And kids, YOUR DAD KILLED DOGS. He has no answers to your questions because he's fresh out of lies.

"Honestly, I wish I had never been involved in dogfighting," he wrote. "As a result I've lost everything -- my good name, job, endorsements, and now my freedom."

I'm sure that now you wish you were never involved on the giving end of a prison blowjob. You never had a good name, you've always been a loser. If you want your freedom, let me give you some advice...you should follow Charley Steiner.

Here is my favorite quote, Vick's coup-de-gras one might say:
Vick wrote: "I was suffering from a deep state of depression, and after my father attacked me in the media, I was heartbroken. ... That's no excuse for using marijuana, but I didn't know how to cope with all the difficulties I was facing because it was all new to me."

HAHAHAHAHA!!! That's a direct rip-off this PSA from 1987! I learned it by watching you!



And finally, from the "Just because he's black, that doesn't mean you have to stand up for him" department...
"From the moment Michael moved to Atlanta, he appeared to deal with his success very well," Hank Aaron wrote. "From what I understand, he took it upon himself to support the area's underprivileged kids, bring them to games, visit them in the hospital, and give money to the organizations that help them. Michael made a favorable impression on me from the moment I met him."

So Hank Aaron hates steroids but doesn't mind dog-fighting? What a classless prick. I had a lot of respect for him for sucking it up, taking it like a man, and congratulating Bonds when his record was broken. That's gone. Standing up for a dogfighter is not a trait I admire. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. It's along the same lines of sticking up for a child molester or fucking your cousin. Fuck you, Hank. There's no reason for you to get involved and sully your reputation. This is an embarrassment to your legacy. George Foreman also sent a letter to the judge but since he's already sold his soul to the devil to sell a few more grills, he's a lost cause.

Well, that's it. Let's hope this fuck serves every single day of his 23 month sentence. Let's hope that people realize that this isn't a race issue, it's a human decency issue. Let's hope that I take part in a 4-way with The Girls Next Door this weekend. Well, maybe just the first two. Have a good weekend...back on Monday.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

The M-Bomb Drops At 2



I'm pretty damn excited today. No, not for the "big" Broncos/Texans game tonight or Xavier's win over UC in the Crosstown Shootout last night, but for the rather large news conference taking place this afternoon. That's right, in case you live under a rock, Senator George Mitchell's 2+ years of semi-pointless investigative work into steroids in baseball gets dropped on the public today. How great is this going to be???

Rumor has it that there will be between 50-80 players named in this report. Fantastic. It is being said that there are former all-stars (Bret Boone) and likely hall of famers on this list as well. Too sweet. Now I don't necessarily give a shit about cleaning up the sport, the fact that lives and images will be ruined in about 4 hours piques my curiosity. One of my cardinal rules in life is to never feel bad for a millionaire and today is no different. If they took a shortcut and someone saw them, it's their own damn fault.

Let's get one thing straight. I've said it countless times and I'll say it again, I don't care if players take shit to make them better. I don't care at all. It's their body, it's their career, and it's their legacy. I want to be entertained. That's all. Give me a 500 foot home run any day over a single, a stolen base, a bunt, and then a sacrifice fly. If that 500 foot home run leads to back acne and shrunken testicles (Bret Boone), I don't give a fuck. Just keep me watching, that's all I ask. When these names are revealed today, these ballplayers should not be villified. They should be applauded. They risked their own health (Bret Boone) to entertain us, the fans. I know some of the names on that report are going to impress me. Come 2:30 today, I will be thinking to myself, "Wow, David Segui cared so much about my entertainment that he's going to die 20 years before he should. Thanks, David!"

But here's the problem. This report was conceived all out of hearsay. George Mitchell has no facts. It's just a laundry list of players that somebody may have saw do stuff over a decade or so ago. That isn't really concrete, is it? It would never hold up in court. But that's the beauty of this. This old man is going to slander a ton of people today and doesn't care! Many of these guys could be fingered as cheaters yet did nothing wrong. But today, their legacies and careers are ruined. And it's all because Joe Clubhouse once heard from a friend of a friend that Roger Clemens used to rub Barbaro's blood on his throwing arm before starts. I don't want any more hearsay about steroids. I want the truth (insert retarded A Few Good Men joke)! I don't care IF you took something, I just want to know that you did (Bret Boone).

The one thing that I am impressed with though is that Bud Selig has had this report for 2 days now and NOTHING has been leaked to the media yet. That is amazing. Especially in this day and age.

One thing is for certain though, today will change baseball forever. Lives will be ruined. Your heroes won't look as heroic anymore. And if I could speculate as to one name that might be on the list and I had to bet my life that he was on it...I'd go with Brady Anderson (and Bret Boone).



Enjoy the bloodbath.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, "Wait a minute, last week you had Tebow's broad here and now it's Carl Pavano" Edition. Yes, but come on, how hilarious is this.

***Bobby Petrino would rather fuck his cousin - The truly massive story going on right now in the world of sports is Petrino leaving the Falcons after losing on Monday night and accepting the Arkansas job less than 24 hours later. Now THAT is efficiency. I actually don't have a problem with this. To me at least, it's different from the Saban situation. He realized that the Falcons were going to be awful for at least 5 more years, his QB was in jail, and his players were spoiled, disrespectful brats. Adios muchachos. And who wouldn't want to live in a state where a sheep could be your wife or your grandma could be your daughter??? Arkansas...where morals and ethics go to die.

***So I guess this week's game would be labeled Spy Vs. Spy - "Spygate" was the most overblown story of the year...BY FAR. It's boring, it had no impact on the game, and the Pats were going to kill the Jets anyway. Now, there is a report that the Jets were also spying during that same game. Jesus Christ. There's a reason why average Joe's across the country hate people from the Northeast. And it's because things in New York and Boston are blown so far out of proportion. Who gives a fuck about spying? The Jets are terrible yet the Pats are great...tell me how spying works as an advantage??? I am so sick of this whiny shit between these two fag coaches. Go to hell already.

***The King is back, so is his jester and village idiot - This is more like it. Coming off of a 6 game losing streak, the Cavs got LeBron and Varejao back last night and they looked freaking awesome. They are back to being a watchable team again. I know it was just one game, but the Cavs looked like a championship caliber team last night in a big win over Indiana. What the hell got into Larry Hughes (village idiot)??? 36 points! Andy (jester) didn't miss a beat either. He was all over the floor grabbing loose balls. It felt like old times. With the soft part of the schedule coming up, expect a big run from the Wine and Gold. LeBron is the best player on the planet...even if he is coming off the bench. I don't think Mike Brown is nearly as retarded as he used to be.

***Cubs postgame buffets now to include California rolls - The Cubs are back on the spending horse again, wasting 48 million on Japanese "slugger" Kosuke Fukudome. I'm assuming that his name is pronounced "Ko-sucky Fuck-you-do-me". This is going to end badly. He averaged 21 homers and .300 over in Japan. That should translate into about 15 homers and .280 here or as I like to call it, well worth 12 mill per. If this guy was any good at all, some AL team would have made a move for him. You know, because the NL is a fucking joke. But no one did. Cubs fans, enjoy a worse version of Hideki Matsui...an OK player but nothing great. FYI, if the Giants want to trade Noah Lowry for Godzilla, which is being reported, JUMP ON THAT SHIT, Crazy Hank Steinbrenner.

***Don't look now, but Carl is back - Oh sweet Jesus. It looks like Carl Pavano may not be done in Pinstripes. C-Pav has been asked to take a minor league deal and it appears that he will. Ugh. I don't want him in the same time zone as the rest of the Yankees let alone the same organization. I do look forward to him earning that 40 million he made from the Steinbrenner's while guiding the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Red Barons to an International League championship. Pavano's theme song has to be ABBA's "Take A Chance On Me" which also happens to be world reknowned blog commenter, Damman's, favorite song. Fuck you, bitch, the secret is out!

***That was impressive, but he's not "The Show" - Who says that I don't scour the world for stories? Division III Grinnell College is in the news this week as their very own David N. Arseneault dropped 34 ASSISTS in a game over the weekend. I don't care what level of hoops you play, that is flat out sick. Good for him. Unfortunately, he will never be on the same level of basketball awesomeness as Weber State legend, Harold "The Show" Arceneaux. If you remember, The Show single-handedly knocked out North Carolina from the tournament about a decade ago and was fully responsible for busting my bracket. I will never forget that shit...he was insane. But back on point, props to David Nuclear Arseneault (see what I did, I assumed that his middle initial stands for Nuclear) on that amazing feat. Good luck against Muskingum.

***That wouldn't have happened had he still had the mustache - Sad news coming out that Mr. Alex Trebek suffered a heart attack. It's said to be mild, but still...it's a fucking heart attack. But that got me thinking, if something did happen to Trebek, who would host Jeopardy??? Think about it. Obviously, I thought of Will Ferrell dusting off his Alex Trebek look from SNL to do the gig but that wouldn't happen. So who could replace the once mustachioed-Canadian icon? Louie Anderson? Bob Uecker? No, they would be too awesome. I'm betting that they'd give the job to that mormon douchebag, Ken Jennings. Whatever. Get well soon, Alex.

A few things before I bounce out...Stiles Points has another first round matchup in the massive college football tournament in which yours truly brings the sexy to the panel. Also, my article for Storming The Floor is to be posted today regarding college hoops, give it a look-see. As Shaq once rapped with the Fu Schnickens: I'm out (you out?) A-B-C ya, BYE!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Middle Finger: Jon Kitna



You know, I think we give Jon Kitna a lot of leeway. He's an awful QB from Central Washington that is still in the league for some reason (Lions front office ineptitude). He's a Christian so we feel bad for criticizing him eventhough he sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls. He makes a lot of stupid predictions and comments. But I've had enough. I'm tired of it. Jon Kitna fucking sucks.

And that's why this week's Middle Finger goes straight to the bible-hugging jack-off known as Jon Kitna.

Before we dive into my fantasy football hatred toward the man, let's talk about how ridiculous he is. Before the season, God's QB predicted that the Lions would win 10 games this year. Which is all fine and good to do if you are a good QB and you played on a decent football team. But you aren't and you don't. This current 5 game slide (and likely finishing on an 8 game losing streak), is on your heavenly shoulders. You think it's OK to settle for Jason Hanson missed field goals. Once you're in the red zone, you all of a sudden think you can run the ball. And why only 10 wins? If you truly believe in your team, why not say that you can win every game? Even before the season, you already accepted 6 losses. What kind of a leader does that?

After the Lions lost at home to the Giants, he said that they were just as good as the G-Men. No, you really aren't. You couldn't beat Rick Moranis's Little Giants. These statements prompted professional loud-mouth, Michael Strahan, to call the Lions the worst 6-2 team he's ever seen. That about sums it up and for the first time ever (besides when he hated Tiki Barber who has already received a Middle Finger), I agree with Ol' Gapteeth. And then this past week, you called out Cowboys CB Terence Newman. While I, too, think Newman sucks, I don't have to play against him. What was the point of that? Why would you give a decent at best CB motivation to come out and play shut down defense? And your reply on the field was awesome...zero touchdown passes. Nice work, way to back up your claims, you douche.

Let's talk about how great of a fantasy football QB you are for a minute. Yes, I own you in a league and was counting on a big 30+ touchdown season. I mean, how could I not. With Mike Martz, no running game, Roy Williams, Calvin Johnson, etc. you should be primed for a huge season. But the 10 time winner of the NFL's Billy Corgan look-alike contest had other plans. Through 13 games, Kitna has 15 touchdown passes. FIFTEEN. He has thrown NO TD's in 4 games and only one TD in another 4 games. Needless to say, I am sitting at home for the playoffs and it's all due to your less than heavenly arm. Trent Dilfer would have at least twenty touchdowns in this offense. The Golden Arm Of Todd Collins would have somewhere around 400 TD throws with your teammates.

So, Jon-boy, why don't you take a break from talking to the media. You and your play have not earned the right to be interviewed. You fucking suck. And because of you, I have decided that I will never own a Lions player ever again. It's all your fault. You've fucked me over for the last time, you Smashing Pumpkins asswipe.

So go ahead. Go on, accept your fate. Enjoy this Middle Finger and take it down to fantasy football Hell with you.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Worst of Week 14



Oh. Hello. Didn't see you there. As I sit here in my cube on this Monday morning with Pat Benatar's Love Is A Battlefield stuck in my head for some reason, I realize that football, too, is a battlefield. And this week, there were quite a few NFLers that were blown up by landmines. So let's sit back, relax, suck down an amaretto-flavored coffee, and enjoy the shittiness that was Week 14 in the National Football League. And if you don't like it, well, I can't help you. But Mr. Cam Cameron will give you a kiss to make things better. Here we go...


10. Carson Palmer - I know, I know, the Bengals won. But no thanks to Mr. John Morrell hot dogs. Another week, another pick six thrown for Palmer. The brilliance which was the Rams/Bengals was on here in central Ohio yesterday and if it wasn't for my lack of motivation, I would have hung myself. That sucked. Carson sucks. Brock Berlin sucks...but we already knew that. Although it was great to to hear the dulcet tones of Pat Summerall once again. We miss you, ya old drunk.


9. Jay Glazer - I've given up on Chris Mortensen due to his inaccurate "breaking news". I now get my last minute injury notices from Fox's Glazer. He's got his finger on the button (like Springfield Sanitation Commissioner, Ray Patterson). But yesterday, he damn near ruined my day. Look, I have only one fantasy team that is any good. I had already wrapped up the one seed going into this week but I still wanted to keep it rolling. But right before kickoff, Glazer announces that Plax Burress returned to the locker room and looked very shaky. So I ran upstairs, got on the interwebs, and replaced him with Kevin Walter in my lineup. Burress dropped 135 yards and a touchdown...9 more points than Walter. I can't deal with this kind of shoddy journalism. Fuck you, Jay, I'm still going to win again this week (thank you, Trent Edwards!).


8. Herm! - We are now just going to refer to Coach(?) Edwards as Herm exclamation point. Wow. Way to have your team prepared yesterday. 17 rushes for 16 yards against the porous Broncos run D. That's good stuff. Can someone please remind me why Herm! still has a job??? Does he just spend all day Tuesday blowing the front office? If so, have fun at work tomorrow, Chiefs management.


7. Cleo Lemon - It's not really fair to put the Dolphins backup QB on this list because it's bad enough that he has to put on that uniform everyday. But when you suck as much rhino dick as Lemon did yesterday, you deserve it. 2 picks with one going to the house and FOUR fumbles is about as shitty as it gets. Yes, the Dolphins are going winless this year. It's only a formality now. But with Brian Billick coming to town next weekend, anything is possible.


6. Kurt Warner - It was supposed to be a big week for the Cards. They were in the playoffs as the 6 seed, they had momentum from a good win against the Browns, and they had a chance to make a statement by winning in Seattle. It's just too bad that God's dad, Kurt Warner, was their QB. Taking 5 sacks and giving 5 picks ain't going to get it done. I guess you could say that Warner is a giver and a taker. He gives good head and takes the hope out of all 12 of the Cardinals fans. On a much more awesome note, it's shaping up like the Skins/Vikes game in two weeks will decide the 6 spot.


5. Jeff Fisher (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - I have to be honest, I was wrong here. I was telling everyone that would listen to me to take the Titans as a PK this week at home. I should have known better. You can't just expect men with the resolve of Norville Turner and Phillip Rivers to just roll over and die. Even up 14 in the 4th quarter to the worst coach/QB combo in the league, you can never count them out. Come on, Jeff, you let that one go. That was pathetic and it will likely cost you a playoff spot.


4. The Baltimore Ravens - This is one of the few things I hate about the NFL. A shitty team pulls out all the stops at home one week, narrowly misses out on a win in the best NFL game of the year, and falls apart emotionally. The next week, another good but not great team comes to town and before you know it, it's 30-0 Colts. That pisses me off. They quit. Brian Billick gave up. Ray Lewis gave up. They weren't even trying. And it's time to play Troy Smith, he looked good in his first action as a pro. Oh, like I said earlier, the Dolphins have a chance against these bums but I wouldn't count on it.


3. Eric Mangini - What the fuck was that? Seriously. I watch Joe Gibbs every week and even I could tell that that was a hatchet coaching job. Let's set it up for you: down 17-6, score a TD and miss the two so they are down 5. With THREE timeouts left and 3 minutes to go, he onside kicks it...and they get it!!! With a minute and a half left(?) on 4th and 10 from the 30ish, HE KICKS A FG. Another onside kick attempt, THEY KICK IT DEEP AND OUT OF BOUNDS INSTEAD! Jamal Lewis continues to fool people by crawling in for a TD to make it 24-15 with a minute or so on the clock. The Jets drive down and kick ANOTHER field goal with 30 seconds left. Try another onside, no dice, game over. That was awful. Dumbest shit I've seen (non-Gibbs) all year.


2. Lions Linebacking Corpse - Yes, I mean it, they played like dead guys. Was it not obvious that Romo-Witten was the gameplan? You should have figured that out after 5 catches...surely after 10 catches...nope, the 15th and game-winning catch makes you a loser yet again. Get a fucking clue. Ironically, I actually had to root for the Cowboys this week since the Skins need them to have nothing to play for in week 17 and the Lions need to keep losing. By the way, how hilarious were Wade Phillips' wild fist pumps after that touchdown??? The only thing that would have made me laugh harder would be the suicide of Jerry Jones. I don't care how classless that sounds, I hate him. Oh yeah, if a football could get pregnant and have an abortion, the Lions would be the unborn fetus. Yep, you get nothing but class from me.


1. Anthony Smith - The douchebag of the week goes to this no-name guy. You all heard about his retard guarantee that the Steelers would beat the Pats. The only problem was, he is a terrible cover DB and was going to be playing. He got toasted for two long scores and Brady even ran smack (talk, not the stuff that Jamal Lewis sells) at him during the game. Let this be a lesson, shut the fuck up. Same with you Terence Newman. Shut the fuck up. Guarantees do nothing but make you look like an assface. Just go out and play.


On that note, I'm out. I'm heading out to Planned Parenthood to stop them from giving a case of Wilson footballs the old rusty coat hanger. I am a Catholic after all. Enough with the silliness, see you tomorrow. Enjoy the Saints/Falcons game tonight!!!!

Friday, December 07, 2007

All Hail The Golden Arm



Hey, alright! In case you didn't notice, and judging by the network in which they were on last night, you likely didn't, my Redskins remained in the playoff hunt with a 24-16 win over the Bears. It was an ugly, penalty-laden game but in the end, a lot of big things happened. I would like to address them now.

First things first, the starting QB's. After playing well the past few weeks, Rex Grossman's night was short-lived. What a pussy. I mean seriously, what kind of a bitch can't handle a 330 pound man diving into your knee??? Really, though, that was gruesome. As was the injury to my boy, J-Camp. "Dislocated kneecap" is probably just as painful as it sounds. But go ahead and take the rest of the year off, J-Camp...because there is a new pope of chili town.

THE GOLDEN ARM OF TODD COLLINS!!!

Yes, I have been referring to him as this ever since he was signed last year (ask anyone that has ever listened to me ramble on about Redskins football). You can't say Todd Collins (pictured left, getting his chest kissed by Captain Caveman, Mike Sellers) without throwing The Golden Arm Of before it. It's impossible. The former Michigan standout(?) and career 3rd string QB was sensational in relief last night. I loved it. I think the lovable Leprechaun roommate loved it as well. And to be honest, I actually felt better about our chances with TGAOTC coming in. Call me crazy, but I like him. And I think the offense will succeed with him over the next 3 games. And why wouldn't they? He possesses a Golden Arm. That Bond Movie, The Man With The Golden Gun, was actually a biography of TGAOTC.

What the hell got into Joe Gibbs??? I mean, he actually coached TO WIN. Throwing the ball in the 4th quarter, not challenging obvious calls, and refusing to kick directly to Devin Hester...I mean, where did this guy come from??? As far as the playoffs go, I'm staying optomistic. Nobody thinks that the remaining three games (@NYG, @MIN, DAL) would be easy. But I think if the Skins win out, they are in. Whoever gets the 6 seed will be my shoe-in of the week to beat the Seahawks anyway. Either way, I'm interested again and, most importantly, positive!

A couple of notes from heading to a local drinking establishment to watch the game:
--A big "Fuck You" to the drunken hillbilly Cowboys fan who asked me three times what the Skins record was. This same asshole went out on a huge limb by declaring a Cowboys/Patriots Super Bowl about 45 times. It goes Red Sox fan, Buckeye fan, and Cowboy fan in the pantheon of sports fan douchebaggery.
--A mild "Fuck You" to the guy who came up and bitched to me about Clinton Portis killing his fantasy team. Hey guy, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT! I only wear his jersey on gameday, I don't get any carries. But the Redskins would be 13-0 if they did give me a few carries here and there.
--When J-Camp went out, Collinsworth said that if Brunell came in before the start of the 4th quarter, he would have to play the rest of the game and The Golden Arm Of Todd Collins would no be allowed to re-enter. Is that true? Can someone help me out on this one and explain why this would be a rule?
--From what I could tell, Bryant Gumbel wasn't THAT bad. With all the shit I've been hearing about his incompetence, I expected worse.

6-7. Better than last year. Time to make a push.

I'm out, have a good weekend. Office holiday bowling(!) party this afternoon...no booze, but no work. I win either way. See ya back here Monday morning for some shitty football goodness.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

A Cornucopia of Miscellanei



It's time for me to be honest. I've been racking my brain for the last 24 hours, trying to come up with an interesting discussion for today. Those attempts have been futile as I can't think of jack shit to write about. So we are taking the easy road today and cranking out a link dump and at the end, we'll give a brief preview of tonight's "win or go home" game between the Bears and Redskins. Brian Urlacher enjoys large-breasted blondes...gotta respect that. Let's get started...


--Have you ever seen Aqua Teen Hunger Force on the Cartoon Network? If you have, you also realize that Carl is the greatest character ever. Now would you like to hear his feelings on the BCS? I thought so. With Leather provides the hairy goodness.


--Steven A. Smith is notoriously hated throughout the blogging community. After his tirade earlier this week calling bloggers unqualified and misinformed, Screamin' A. was granted the title of Worst Sports Announcer via AOL's Fanhouse. Suck it, Steven A., you may have better sources but I still know more than you do...and at a much lower volume.


--Are you a college hoops fan like me? If so, do you enjoy the mid-major brand of basketball? Kyle Whelliston from ESPN runs one of the best blogs on the planet and it's dedicated entirely to mid-major hoops. It's fantastic.


--With the whole Les Miles/Kirk Herbstreit saga continuing to grow, rumor has it that an LSU fan prank called Herbie's cell phone and said that they were Desmond Howard. If it's true, that is hilarious but shame on Herbie. If it isn't, well, people in the South clearly have too much fucking time on their hands. Awful Announcing has the scoop.


--Our sister site, Mid America Nattering, unveils the School Allegiance Constitution. A varitable how-to on who you should be a fan of. Good stuff, Don.


--It's now officially up. The Kings of the Roundtable have spoken. Head on over to Stiles Points for analysis of the 8 team college football national championship tournament. First up, Ohio State vs. Kansas LIVE from Detroit!!! Also contributing to the 5 person panel besides Stiles Points and myself are The Big Picture, Complete Sports, and Wasting Company Time.


--The brilliance which is Storming The Floor suggests some conference showdowns for 2008. Because we need something to distract us from the ACC's raping of the Big Ten every year.


--And finally, The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes analyzes the effectiveness of The NFL Network. Since this blog is a Time Warner subscriber, tonight will be my first viewing of the mysterious channel when I venture out to a local establishment (Mac-A-Doo's, bitch). I've heard that Bryant Gumbel sucks...can't wait to see it with my own eyes.


Which also works as a perfect segue for tonight's battle between the poorly QB'ed Chicago Bears and the poorly coached Washington Redskins. Like I said at the top, this is an elimination game. The loser is done, the winner has a glimmer of hope since they both play in the NFC. You know what you get with the Bears: a physical defense that can't stop the pass, erratic offense, and fans with mustaches that eat all parts of a pig. The Skins feature a lot of emotion on their sidelines, a mistake-prone offense, and the worst coach in the league. I really have no idea what's going to happen. With 21's funeral, the Skins have only had one practice...but then again, when Rex Grossman is involved, one practice may be enough.


As far as fantasy football goes, it's playoff time in most leagues. Chances are, if you have a Redskin or Bear in your starting lineup, you aren't even close to the playoffs anyway so no need to pay attention to this likely crappy game. For gambling purposes, the Skins are giving 3.5 points. That seems a bit to high to me. While I wouldn't be surprised if the Redskins won, they won't cover. That's for damn sure.


My final prediction: My heart says the Skins win 16-13 (and with the Vikes left on the schedule, can control their own destiny). My head says the Bears win 20-17 with a last second 40 yard FG. It was a 55 yard attempt but as Robbie Gould was lining up, Joe Gibbs ran on the field and tackled him which led to a 15 yard penalty and another Gibbs-fueled Skins loss.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The Hump Day Hump



Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, "The First Snow of the Year" Edition.

***Winner of the Heisman, Big Racks - With the Heisman Award ceremony/bore-a-thon commencing Saturday night, it's time for me to award the...award myself. When he's not being photographed with girls that look like Stephanie McMahon, Tim Tebow is just a beast on the field. This isn't even close. This is Tim's trophy. The signature player of the season. If you clicked on yesterday's link to Stiles Points, you already knew I was voting this way though. By the way, he's going to sodomize Lloyd Carr come New Year's Day...it's going to be great.

***The Tigers take advantage of Double-A teams - Wow. Now THAT is one hell of a trade for Detroit. I make it no secret that giving praise to anything from Detroit is not high on my list of things to do (right up there with having relations with Kobe Bryant). Trading prospects that may or may not pan out for two studs is a scenario that GM's dream of. Luckily for Tigers GM, Dave Dombrowski, the Marlins are one of, if not the, worst run franchises in all of sports. The Tigers have staked their claim to once again be the team to beat in the Central. What will the Indians response be? I'm sure they will wait until February, resign Trot Nixon, and try to convince their fanbase that they are ready to do it all over again. Take note, Mark Shapiro, this is how you go from contender to favorite.

***Travis Henry wins appeal, knocks up judge - It looks like the professional fornicator and football player will not be suspended for a year due to yet another failed drug/paternity test. I've never seen this before. Has an athlete ever won an appeal to squash a suspension? Who represented him? F. Lee Bailey? Whoever it was, that is one hell of a lawyer. But in all seriousness, we are glad that Henry will be back on the field for the rest of the season. Now all he has to worry about are big defensive lineman and fantasy owners trying to kill him for ruining their seasons.

***The Cavs need their King again, are currently unwatchable - There is good and bad news coming out of The Q. The good: with Anderson Varejao signing the offer sheet from the Bobcats, Danny Ferry will match that offer and we will be once again supporting the Wild Thing for the next year and a half. Welcome back, AV, you are much better than Dwayne Jones. The bad: Lebron, we need you back. I can't even watch the Cavs when he isn't dressed (in his uniform, you know what I mean, dammit). They are just too terrible. They barely crack 80 points. The offense is run through Drew Gooden. It's just awful. Hurry back, King...please.

***He might as well have just called him "Toby" - After the classic Monday Nighter this week in which Brian Billick proved just how big of a loser he is, word came out that one of the refs kept calling Samari Rolle "boy". Uh oh. You know what, old white men can be pretty stupid. Why on Earth would you call a black man by a name that is generally regarded as a slavery nickname. Call him "son" or "chief" or even the little used "ace"...but not boy. Brian Billick will not be blowing (kisses or penis) this ref any time soon. And you better be damned sure that Al Sharpton is going to get his worthless ass involved in this.

***The Mitchell Report is apparently not fictional - I've been hearing that the Mitchell Report was going to be released for over 2 months now. I'm still waiting. Now, it's being reported that it will be released before Christmas and that it will name a lot of current and former players for steroids and HGH and herpes. Seems like good timing. Ruining the holidays for a number of millionaires has always been one of my favorite pastimes. And just to draw my line in the sand, I don't care about steroids at all. If you can hit a 500 foot dinger, I like you no matter how you did it.

***The Dumbest Person of 2007 is... - Miss Lindsay Lohan!!! Some paper in New York, with nothing better to do, released their dumbasses of the year list. Personally, I would have named Joe Gibbs at #1. Seriously, what is worse; Making crappy movies and going to rehab or being paid 5 mill a year to not know anything about your job and blow games every week due to your own ineptitude. Checkmate, Gibbs wins. Lindsay can be #2...and since she likely has had men shit on her in the heat of coke-fueled passion, #2 seems like a good fit.

Alright, I'm out. With 4 inches of snow on the ground, I should probably leave work now so I can get home by 6 tonight. Terrible drivers piss me off.