Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Hump Day Hump


Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, it's the "It's Halloween, where are the slutty nurses" edition.

***Tony Romo is rich, still a dork - Your favorite backwards hat-wearing nerd just signed a big ass contract extension with the Mexico Cowboys. Outstanding. At least 6 more years of hating this hayseed motherfucker. But I ask you this, Cowboys fans, do you really feel confident having the face of your franchise hanging out with Britney Spears in LA over his bye week? I know I wouldn't. Seriously, Britney Spears? Romo makes Mike Piazza look like John Wayne.

***A new member of the Todd Marinovich All-Stars - Former USC WR, Mike Williams, is officially unemployed and is wearing a "Hello, my name is BUST" nametag. I have to admit, I did not see this coming. Even after sitting out a year, I still thought that Mike would dominate the league. But I should've known better. After all, he did take advice from Maurice Clarett. Let this be a lesson to all the kiddies out there...never follow in the footsteps of Mo Clarett.

***Grady Little: Still A Genius - Amidst widespread reports that Grady Little was going to be fired by the Dodgers and replaced by Uncle Joe Torre, Little abruptly quit yesterday. He cited that it was due to personal reasons. Yeah, OK. That's some interesting timing for personal reasons. We believe you. We also believe in unicorns, George W. Bush, Greg Oden's birth certificate, and Michael Vick.

***The Cavs take the court tonight - The good news: Sasha Pavlovic is back!!! Danny Ferry is back from his 4 month vacation!!! They didn't sign Juwan Howard. The bad news: The Mavs come to C-Town tonight. Varejao is still holding out. Mike Brown is still running/ruining the offense. Bill Simmons has predicted the Cavs to miss the playoffs. I just don't see that happening. The King won't allow it. Larry Hughes won't allow it. And by "it" for Hughes, I mean, "his jump shot going through the basket".

***If you're good at cheating, Indiana wants you - Indiana has fired assistant basketball coach, Rob Senderoff, for text message recruiting violations. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Kelvin Sampson is the dirtiest player in the game...way dirtier than Ric Flair but with a lot less chest slaps. Unfortunately, Senderoff was the fall guy for Sampson. Looking into my crystal ball, I see the NCAA giving Sampson a lifetime ban within the next 5 years. Wherever he goes, the shit gets crazy and fast. IU has a chance to do some serious damage this year, but not with this shitbag running the show.

***Who watches this shit? - Last night was one of the worst nights of TV ever. I'm flipping through the guide and saw that The Contender was on ESPN. Who the hell watches that still? Boxing is dead. But this is something like the 5th season for this show. So I ask you, the homoerotic reader, do you know anyone that watches this? Also, does anyone watch Bones? I've asked that question to at least a million people over the past 3 years and no one had an answer.

***The death of a legend - Sad news that mustachioed sensation, Robert Goulet, passed away. Damn shame. The man was phenomenal as the bad guy in Naked Gun 2 1/2 and one hell of an Emerald Nuts spokesman. I leave you with a youtube clip of Goulet promoting some college hoops a few years back. I loved these commercials. You better wait till the half to hit the john my friend, a Grande Monday's here again!!!



One more thing, my first contribution to Mid America Nattering was posted yesterday. Check it out.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Middle Finger: Alex Rodriguez


To be honest, I didn't think this was going to happen. All the goodwill that was built up this past season, I didn't expect this. Maybe I was naive. Maybe I built up too much faith in a turncoat. Maybe I bought in to all the hype that he wanted to be in New York. Maybe I just liked the way he played guitar. Maybe it's true that in today's modern age of sports, you should just root for the jersey and not the players. Either way, I'm pissed.

And that's why this week's Middle Finger is getting shoved straight into the greedy, purple lips of Alex Rodriguez.

Alex Rodriguez is a coward. Looking back, it is hilarious that Alex kept saying that he wanted to be a Yankee forever. Clearly, that was not the case at all otherwise these shenanigans would not have happened. Alex had the opportunity to be the biggest star on the biggest stage in the world and he shied away because he couldn't handle the pressure. A total bitch move. Instead of being an icon and building his resume as the best baseball player of all time, he will forever be tainted by being too afraid to play in New York. You are in an exclusive club now, Alex. Go ahead and have a seat next to Denny Neagle and Kenny Rogers, Steve Sax is ready for his keynote speech.

Alex Rodriguez is selfish. No shit. That is the understatement of the century. Turning down 28 million per year for the next 5 is something that average Joe Lunchpail surely understands. Alex has always put his own interests and numbers ahead of the team and now is no different. Whoever is unfortunate enough to sign Alex next will understand just how bad of a person he is. He is the definition of a prima donna. There is no other player in baseball that would rather go 4-4 with 2 HR's and have his team lose as opposed to going 0-4 with a win, then Alex.

Alex Rodriguez is a liar. All summer long when asked about his contract situation, he never wavered from saying that he wanted to be a Yankee. Obviously, he did not. Otherwise, you would not be upstaging the World Series and upsetting Peter Gammons with this garbage. This is the worst part of all this, the lies. For four years, almost everything he said has now been confirmed to be untrue. He played us all for suckers. He played all the Yankee faithful for saps. You can't trust Alex Rodriguez. Whether it be a clutch at bat in the playoffs or cheating on his wife with she-males, Alex can not be trusted.

I blogged about this before the season but I want to mention it again. This past season, I made a conscious effort to support Alex as a fan no matter what happened and no matter what criticism he was getting from the public (I also vowed to stand up for Carl Pavano). And I did. I never said one bad thing about the man for 6 months and look at the results. We made a great team. He was raking everything and I was talking a lot of smack. I was the yin to his yang. We complimented each other so much that we moved in together. It seemed like a logical move at the time. But on Sunday night, everything changed. I decided to come home a little early and surprise Alex. But when I walked in the house, there he was, blowing Larry Bird Mailman (most of you won't get this, but just picture Alex blowing a mailman that looks like Larry Bird). When I asked him what the fuck was going on, he said, "Look, I know you've been there for me through the good and the bad, but this mailman's balls just taste better." So I left. For good. Burning the house down on the way out. I'm done with Alex. I'm off the bandwagon. Good riddance.

But shit, now I need a new roommate. What is Wilson Betemit's phone number?

Alex, you've earned it. You are Benedict Arnold in cleats. Enjoy this week's Middle Finger.

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Worst of Week 8

It's Monday again...ugh. That means it's time to roll though another "worst of" column. It was a shitty sports weekend for me and my teams. Between the Redhawks, Redskins, Red Sox, and Buckeyes, everything that I didn't want to happen, did happen. Fuck it, let's get going. The 10 worst performances of Sunday with honorbale mentions to the always reliable Dolphins and Rams and the idiots that actually thought the Texans would cover the spread in the fire-ravaged Whale's Vagina...

10. Vince Young - It takes a lot to make this list if your team won. 6-14 for 42 yards will get you on no matter what though. How is this even possible? As bad as the quarterback play has been in the NFL this year, and it's been rotten, this may be the worst game of the year. Cleo Lemon thinks this performance sucked.

9. Frank Gore - I don't necessarily think it's entirely Franklin's fault. The 49ers are bad. Alex Smith is bad. Defenses can load the line to stop him. But that being said, if you can't do anything against the Saints, it might be time to fake an injury and sit out the rest of the year. Worst first round pick ever.

8. Chad Pennington - 3 points to the Bills. 3 points to the Bills. 3 points to the Bills. It's over, Chad. We hardly knew ye.

7. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Really? A loss to the Jaguars is not a bad thing on paper. But when you break it down and realize that the game was at home, the Jags had a short week of practice, and Quinn Gray was their QB, it's downright terrible. It's strange that the Saints are right back in it for the NFC South, the league's worst division.

6. Randall Godfrey - Ah yes, my first Redskin on the list this week. I have no idea how he performed...I really don't care. But after the game, Godfrey talked about how it was bollocks for the Pats to run up the score. Look, I don't have a problem with what the Pats did. I thought it was a little odd that Brady was still in up 45-0, but it didn't bother me. The Skins had 3 hours to do something about it and they did nothing. Randall, if it really was eating at you, fucking take a cheap shot at Brady. Take the 15 yard penalty and ejection like a man. Don't do it behind a microphone after the game. Go head-hunting on one of their stars and send a message that that behavior will not be tolerated. Maybe then they would learn not to show up a team that had no idea what they were supposed to do. Joe Gibbs obviously did not read my Friday column.

5. Marvin Lewis (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - Another week, another uninspiring Bengals defeat. I'm wondering why no one has voted Marvin yet as the worst coach in football (look to the right). HE IS TERRIBLE! He let's Chad Johnson tell other teams that they should trade for him to get him out of Cincy (per Jay Glazer). Fire him and try to save your season.

4. Taco Bell's Chili Cheese Nachos - So Saturday, I'm getting my drunk on on campus and failed to eat anything for dinner which leads to an incredibly intense buzz. After the bar, the obligatory Taco Bell run is in order and I decided to try the new chili cheese nachos that seem to be all the rage amongst the kiddies these days. I'm enjoying a solid pass out when at about 6 am I am awaken with a strange feeling. Not the need to puke or explosive diarrhea, no no. Those fucking nachos were destroying me internally. I felt like the guy at the end of Spaceballs who had the alien burst through his stomach singing a showtune. It fucking hurt. Never again. I give Taco Bell's chili cheese nachos my worst review yet: 7 thumbs up.

3. Whoever was supposed to block/guard Mike Vrabel - Troy Aikman was right. No, not that penises taste great, I wouldn't know. But that if cheapshot artist, Mike Vrabel, is in on a goal line situation...THEY ARE THROWING HIM THE BALL. And the fact that the triumverate of blocking fecal matter (Todd Wade, Mike Sellers, and Clinton Portis) could not block him at all, that's just pathetic. He's not that good yet the triumverate made him look like Tecmo Bowl Lawrence Taylor yesterday. I felt bad for Jason Campbell, he never had a chance.

2. Brian Griese - Come on Bears fans, admit it. You want Kyle Orton. You're playing at home against the worst road team in the history of the league. Your response? 1 touchdown, 4 interceptions 3 of which were in the end zone. Look, I love Lions Defense just as much as the next guy, but they are a shitty unit. That was awful. Oh, and Jon Kitna, thanks for not throwing a touchdown pass in the last month. You've been a big help to fantasy owners. Jesus may love you, but I'm beginning to fucking loathe you.

1. Boston Sports Fan - Your teams can win all the championships they want, you are still a bunch of losers. I've said it before and I'll say it again, there is nothing worse than a Masshole.

You are probably wondering why in the hell Alex Rodriguez isn't on this list? Tomorrow my friends, tomorrow. I want to injest some more details on this development. I also start contributing to the new, sexy MAC blog, Mid America Nattering, tomorrow as I will be writing a column over there every Tuesday. I couldn't be more excited/turned on.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Can My Redskins Beat The Patriots?


I'm not naive. I know the Patriots are great. I know the Redskins are a team growing that is looking to find their place in the league. I know that Joe Gibbs is ultra conservative. I know that Tom Brady is a fucking beast on and off the field. And I know that the Skins are 16.5 point underdogs this Sunday. But that being said, I think the Redskins can pull the upset. I really do. After all, these two teams were my preseason Super Bowl picks. How can I be so blasphemous to think that the my boys will be the team to beat the Patriots? Here's 5 reasons:

1. The Redskins Defense - For as inconsistent as the offense has played this year, the Redskins defense has been savage throughout. The secondary is frightening. This is hands down the best, most aggressive defense that Brady has seen. You've always been able to run on the Skins but since the Patriots have no running game, that plays into Gregg Williams' hands. It will be interesting to see what Brady, Moss, Stallworth, and Welker do against Springs, Rogers (who sucks), Smoot, Landry (LaRon, not the guy from Friday Night Lights), and Sean Taylor. It's a big test for both teams really. I'm giving the edge to the Skins here for the sheer reason that Sean Taylor's mugshot is much scarier than Randy Moss's...and features much more bling.

2. Offensive balance - If there is a formula to beat the Pats (and no one has shown it thus far), it has to be to grind out drives and keep Brady off the field. The Skins haven't been able to run much the past few weeks due to the decimated O-Line, but you can run on the Pats. The LB's are slow and allow big holes. If Portis and Betts can get it going, it will open the play action game for J-Camp, who is blossoming into one of the best young QB's in the game. The Skins have to take shots downfield, too. Don't fall in love with the short passes to Cooley and Sellers. You have a lot of speed on the outside with Randle El and Stonehands Moss, use it. And get Keenan McCardell into the fucking game, the guy can play.

3. Figure out the second half woes - This seems to be a problem with both my Redskins and my Cavs. They play a great first half and then come out of the locker room unfocused in the second and let teams back into games. If, and this is a big if, this wasn't a problem for the Skins, they would be walking into Foxboro undefeated as well. Keep the foot down. I expect the first half to be close in this one. The important thing to remember is that the Pats will make adjustments and figure out how to stop what is working for you guys, you have to adapt as well. You'll be able to tell within one drive in the second half if the Redskins are still in the game or not.

4. The classic "look ahead" game - Yes, yes, the Pats/Colts game is next week. That is no secret since ESPN refuses to talk about anything else. The Patriots can say what they want, but they are all thinking about Peyton naked. How can you not? And after throwing 29 touchdown passes in the past 2 weeks, isn't Brady due for a bad game? I would say that this game has the right formula for a bad game for him since you know it won't be next week. I think the Cowboys helped this theory a lot, too. The Pats can sit back now and think about how they took the NFC's "best" out behind the woodshed in their stadium. Why would they give the Redskins any credit at all? But then again, have the Skins earned it? Eh, who knows, but all I'm saying here is that the Pats have played almost flawlessly for 7 weeks, they are due for a bad one.

5. Their douchebag fans are thinking about something else - Game 4 of the World Series happens to be on Sunday which means the quiet, polite Boston faithful will likely have their focus on that. They will sell out, no doubt. But the thoughts and discussion in the stadium will be focused on Jon Lester's cancer-free start more than the football game at hand. This is where you take advantage of them. The fans are out of it. They are already thinking about what gay bathhouse they are watching the Colts/Pats game the following week. They assume victory. And that's where Joe Gibbs sneaks in and steals one.

Look, I'm not saying this is going to be easy and I'm sure as hell not saying that it's going to happen. The Pats are great. The Skins are good. But I still think that they win. Nobody thought that Average Joe's Gymnasium would defeat the Globo Gym Purple-Headed Cobras but they did anyway. You've got believe. I do. Peter LaFleur does. Patches O'Houlihan does. Let's ruin the precious Colts/Pats game next week.

Redskins 28, Patriots 24.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

David Stern Must Be Ozzy Then???



With the NBA regular season tipping off on Tuesday, I figured why the hell not predict the season like I do with every other major sport? After all, I was pretty accurate last year. And although I did have the Suns as my #1 team, having the Spurs and Cavs ranked two and three is nothing to slouch at. But I’ve done some research. No, not Mark Stein-type research. No, no. I have scoured through tons of notes and crappy bands to assign each NBA team to a corresponding 80’s Hair Metal band. So without further ado, here is my prediction piece for the 2007-2008 NBA season.

The Eastern Conference:

15. The Indiana Pacers are DOKKEN – Jermaine O’Neal has to be jamming to the awesomeness which is Alone Again these days seeing that once again, he has no help around him. This team is going to suck a lot of dick, nice work, Larry Bird.

14. The Milwaukee Bucks are FIREHOUSE – The Bucks are praying to God that after the disasters of Andrew Bogut and Bobby Simmons, Michael Redd has finally found his Love of a Lifetime with Yi Jianlian. The over/under for Redd’s first injury is December 1.

13. The Philadelphia 76ers are FASTER PUSSYCAT – Faster Pussycat flat out sucks. The 76ers flat out suck. And whatever the hell the 76ers arena is called these days will surely be a House of Pain. Talent-wise, this is the worst team. But Andre Miller will keep them playing hard.

12. The Charlotte Bobcats are SLAUGHTER – Slaughter once sang “Up all night, sleep all day”. Which, if you’re hanging out with team figurehead, Michael Jordan, is likely what is going to happen. I like where this team is headed but injuries always seem to ravage them.

11. That Atlanta Hawks are TESLA – Tesla wants us all to know that “love will find a way” which is perfect advice for this up and coming team. Be patient with these kids, they are going to be good. They have the best young nucleus in the game.

10. The Orlando Magic are LITA FORD -- Kiss Me Once, Kiss Me Twice, Come on pretty baby, Kiss Me Deadly…kind of sounds like the Rashard Lewis signing, no? That contract is going to be the kiss of death for the Magic. There are still way too many holes on this roster.

9. The Toronto Raptors are BULLET BOYS -- Everything Chris Bosh does is smooth as shit. Which makes sense since the Boys only decent song is Smooth Up In Ya. I love Bosh, but his supporting cast blows. They had a fluke-y year last season, now welcome back to reality.

PLAYOFF TEAMS

8. The New Jersey Nets are RATT – Drafting a lifelong loser like Sean Williams, computer thief Marcus Williams, and known wife beater Jason Kidd on the team…I can just hear Wanted Man being played when they announce the starting lineups. While they are getting old fast, there is still enough talent on this tea mto get into the playoffs.

7. The Miami Heat are GUNS AND ROSES – Big, loudmouth lead singer (Shaq). The quiet, most valuable guy in the band on guitar (D-Wade). This comparison was easy. I kind of like the Ricky Davis trade since I’ve always felt that Antoine Walker was the worst player in the league. But that is contingent on Davis not killing anyone.

6. The Boston Celtics are EUROPE – All the pieces are in place now. For Doc Rivers and Danny Ainge, this is The Final Countdown. I just don’t see it. Between chemistry issues and Pierce and Allen’s injury bugs, I don’t see the Celts being THAT great.

5. The Washington Wizards are QUIET RIOT – No real comparison here, but I’m willing to bet these guys are just fun to be around and that Gilbert Arenas, much like Quiet Riot, spells come “c-u-m”. With a healthy Hibachi, they can win the East.

4. The New York Knicks are TWISTED SISTER – Dee Snider once appeared in court to explain the intricacies of his music. A few weeks ago, Isaiah Thomas appeared in court to explain why it’s ok to call an executive a bitch. This is my big surprise team this year. Zeke is a front office train wreck but the guy can coach. Look at that front line!!! Curry, Randolph, D.Lee, Balkman…intimidating.

3. The Cleveland Cavaliers are WHITESNAKE – Another slam dunk. Here I Go Again (On My Own) should be LeBron’s theme song. Thanks for getting him help, Danny Ferry. Even though I am a HUGE Cavs fan, I hate the dynamic of the team right now. Just pay Sasha and Varejao for one year each and let’s try to get back to the Finals!

2. The Detroit Pistons are WASP – WASP was known for throwing raw meat into the audience during their shows. Pistons fans are known for throwing shit at Ron Artest. WASP’s only decent song, Manimal, could also fit as a nickname for numerous Pistons seeing that none of them look human. Getting rid of Chris Webber is huge. Banking on NBDL all-star Amir Johnson is sad. Having Flip Saunders still as your coach is inexplicable.

1. The Chicago Bulls are SKID ROW -- Ummm, hello, Youth Gone Wild!!! Now, I should say that I don’t necessarily like the Bulls in the playoffs. But with Skiles keeping them focused and playing hard nightly, they could win the one seed. Now if they can swing Kobe…look out.



THE WESTERN CONFERENCE


15. The Minnesota Timberwolves are WARRANT – Warrant has a great tune called “The Down Boys”. Well, the Wolves are going to be going down a lot this year. Bringing in Antoine Walker just insured a top 4 pick in the 2008 NBA Draft.

14. The Sacramento Kings are WINGER – When you get a guy arrested for statutory rape, always remember that She’s Only Seventeen. If this team wants to be a playoff contender, Reggie Theus needs to bring in Anthony Anderson and the cute blonde PG from Hang Time.

13. The Portland Trailblazers are POISONEvery Rose Has It’s Thorn, bitches. Even though you are the Rose City (pun intended), Greg Oden’s thorn in the form of his 80 year old knees is going to mean a long-ass season. Hey, but at least you get to enjoy the Josh McRoberts Era.

12. The Seattle Sonics are BON JOVI – Whoa, we’re half way there…another season or two, maybe moving cities, and this team is ready to contend. Jeff Green is more than ready to play the Sambora to Durant’s Jovi. Durant is going to be sick. Robert Swift is going to look awesome.

11. The LA Clippers are GREAT WHITE – Shaun Livingston’s gruesome injury was once bitten. Now Elton Brand’s Achilles tendon makes Frankie Muniz twice shy. Nothing has gone right for the Clips this offseason. It’s going to be a long year.

10. The Memphis Grizzlies are SAIGON KICK – This team desperately needed a good, young PG and with Mike Conley coming in, Love Is On The Way. I kind of like Memphis. With Conley and Kinsey running point with Miller and Gasol, I could see them pushing it.

9. The LA Lakers are CINDERELLA – This is for the team and Kobe, you Don’t Know What You Got, Till It’s Gone. Just suck it up and make nice. You both made each other a ton of money, why change it?

PLAYOFFS

8. The Golden State Warriors are JACKYL – The Warriors tried their best to save the NBA in the playoffs last year. My suggestion this year: Have crazy Stephen Jackson go Jackyl on a ref by chasing him around with a chainsaw. Losing J-Rich will hurt more than they think. Hopefully, Baron can stay healthy. Mental Masturbation, anyone???

7. The New Orleans Hornets are KIX – I know nothing about Kix. They were the toughest team to do this for but they do have songs titled: Blow My Fuse, Don’t Close Your Eyes, and Cold Blood. Sounds a lot like Chris Paul. I really like the Hornets if they can stay healthy. I’m talking to you, Peja.

6. The Houston Rockets are MR. BIG – I’m The One Who Wants To Be With You…time for T-Mac and Yao to prove they want to play, and more importantly WIN, together. I like Aaron Brooks a lot, he should be able to push the offense and get these guys running.

5. The Denver Nuggets are THE SCORPIONS – Are AI and ‘Melo singing Still Lovin’ You to each other. I hope not. AI drama is hilarious. I’m not sure if/when K-Mart is coming back but these guys can make a move now that they are familiar with each other.

4. The Utah Jazz are STRYPER – A religious band? A mormon state? This stuff writes itself. By the way, Stryper is fucking terrible. I love me some Deron Williams. I hate me some Matt Harpring. I’m indifferent about Dee Brown.

3. The Dallas Mavericks are DEF LEPPARD – Ah, when you go all-in with Dirk Nowitzki, you’re Bringin’ On the Heartbreak. Don’t be fooled, he will choke. There needed to be more change here. Eddie Jones is not the answer. They’ll win a lot of regular season games, but once again they will fall short.

2. The San Antonio Spurs are KISS – A rock solid guitarist and a borderline flamboyant lead singer??? This formula seems to work with Duncan and Parker just fine. Is this the year that the Suns overtake them? Yes. I do realize that KISS is technically an arena rock band, but fuck you, it's my blog.

1. The Phoenix Suns are MOTLEY CRUE – The Suns are fun, crazy, always pushing it to the limit. That sounds a lot like Motley Crue in the late 80’s. FYI, read the Motley Crue autobiography, The Dirt. You won’t regret it. I’m picking the Suns again because I like to watch exciting hoops. I think Diaw will be back to himself this year and Nash will be able to rest more with Barbosa gaining more control.


As for The Finals, I like the Suns to get over the Western Conference hump this year and beat the Cavs in 5. After all, Motley Crue is much fucking better than Whitesnake anyway.

MVP – LeBron James – he’s going to have to do a LOT more this year…and he will
Coach – Scott Skiles
Executive – Sure as hell not Danny Ferry
Rookie – Kevin Durant
Rookie not named Durant – Aaron Brooks

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, it's the "I haven't see the sun here in central Ohio in at least two weeks" edition.

***If It Means Less Chris Berman, I'll Take It - I make it no secret that my favorite TV show is the NFL Draft. That being said, even I think it's way too long. But now, Roger Goodell has taken time out of his busy schedule of running the KGB to shorten the length of time in between picks for the first 2 rounds. I'm ecstatic. 10 minutes is more than enough time in the first round to make a pick. Well, unless Mike Tice is running your team (into the ground).

***Ray Lewis Is A Murderer, Finally Gets It - FINALLY!!! Someone on the Ravens is calling out Brian Billick as the idiot that he truly is. Yes, Ray, you are right, it IS Billick's fault that the offense sucks. I have a feeling that this is the beginning of the end for the smarmy douche. I couldn't be happier. Now if we can just strike that horrific Super Bowl from the record books...you remember, the one with Kerry Collins and Trent Dilfer. Never happened. Just like the Vietnam War.

***Rockies/Red Sox winner? The Burlington Coat Factory - With the World Series starting tonight, even though it really hasn't taken place since 2000, I better trot out a prediction. This promises to not only be one of the least viewed series ever, but also the coldest. Shit, it's already snowing in Denver! And Boston is always gay although it has nothing do with the temperature. WAIT!!! Yes it does, gay men wear scarves. So expect to see a lot of scarves in Fenway these next 10 days or so. Whew, good save. My heart says to take the Rockies in 5 with Todd Helton as the MVP. My head and wallet say to take the Red Sox in 5 with Beckett winning 2 games. Either way, we all lose.

***You Just Realized That Oakland Is A Terrible City? - The co-owner of the A's is hell-bent on moving the team out of Oakland as soon as humanly possible. No shit. I guess it's finally getting old having to dodge bullets when you go to a game. This would explain all of Rich Harden's injuries and Eric Chavez's sucktitude...they've been shot. Sal Bando must be rolling over in his grave though. What? Sal Bando's not dead? Well, then Bo Diaz has to be rolling over in his grave. I know he's dead.

***If You Listen Closely, You Can Hear Bill Simmons Crying - Last night, the great Kevin Durant sprained his ankle in a preseason tilt with the Lakers/Rapists. Is this a big concern for the team that is leaving Seattle soon? Probably not. But when your fantasy hoops draft was last night and you nabbed Durant in the 4th round, I am a little concerned. After all, Durant is the best young player I've seen since Teen Wolf.

***Florida State Is A Shitty Program Again - Is it just me or do the Noles change starting QB's every week. For the fifth time this year, Drew Weatherford's interceptions are back as QB1. Casey Wheldon ain't walking through that door. Peter Tom Willis ain't walking through that door. Chris Weinke can't even walk. All this on the heels of a couple of pranksters putting a "For Sale" sign in Bobby Bowden's yard after the Noles lost to The U this past weekend. Hilarious!!! As a fan of Springfield mob violence and Djordjevic fucking with Craig T. Nelson's house in All The Right Moves, I approve of this tactic. If you don't put Coach back on the air, I will kill Craig T. Nelson.

***The Real Question Is, How Were His Eggs? - In a story too deliciously white trash to be true, Kid Rock was arrested at an Atlanta-area Waffle House this past weekend for getting into a rumble with another drunk/stoned/disgusting patron. Do you smell that? That's a stereotype coming to fruition right before our eyes. But who am I to judge? Kid Rock keeps it real. No word on whether or not he went to dinner that night at Shoney's.

I'm actually pretty excited right now. I seem to be over my blogger's block. I've got some pretty good stuff coming the next two days featuring my NBA preview tomorrow which I've been working on for a week and a half (yes, that is true). Friday, I will try to figure out if there is any chance in hell that my Redskins can beat the Pats on Sunday. The results will be bonerific. See you tomorrow with hoop dreams.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Middle Finger: DirecTV



I'm back at work after yesterday's triumphant call-off. I got quite a few episodes of The Wire under my belt to show for it. But I've still got a lot of venom to spew from Sunday.

So, I made the trip back to my hometown this weekend for a weddin'. A great time. I got to see a lot of people that I rarely get to see. But what I was really looking forward to was the fact that my parents have DirecTV and get NFL Sunday Ticket. This is where things get tricky. Due to the sheer incompetence of the satellite company, this week's Middle Finger goes straight up to outer space and the douchenozzles at DirecTV.

Sunday morning, I'm fighting a massive hangover. I had to result to all my tricks: chocolate milk, generic ibuprofen, and even a McDonald's breakfast. It was working ever so slowly. The one thing that kept me going was the fact that at 1 o'clock, I was going to be able to watch my Redskins take on Brenda Warner's husband. Not so fast.

At 1 o'clock...nothing. Just a black screen. Flip to the Giants/49ers game...nothing. Check in on the Bills/Ravens...jack shit. The only games that came in were the dreadful Saints/Falcons which featured the awful play-by-play of Chris Rose, the Pats/Dolphins which was like watching the Globetrotters play the Generals, and the Titans and Texans which featured no good players on the field this weekend.

2 o'clock...still nothing. I'm doing what I normally do by sitting at the computer flipping through different gamecenters on NFL.com. My dad is on the phone with DirecTV screaming about how this is an injustice and wanting people to be stoned to death. They say that they "have people working on the satellite problem." Well, that's no fucking help to me, my pounding head, or my ears that are filled with the homoerotic sounds of Chris Rose.

3 o'clock...still sitting at the computer, fuming mad. Dad is trying to get back on the horn with DirecTV to bitch but they are "experiencing a high volume of calls". Yeah, go figure. If you rob Giants fans of their game, you're going to catch hell. Chris Rose's voice is still carving through my brain like a Christmas ham. He is so bad.

4 o'clock...I find out on NFL.com that the Redskins had won less than impressively. Good thing I got to see the onside kick and missed FG. Sounds like a good finish. DirecTV still hasn't resolved the situation. My dad has officially gone on a killing spree throughout the neighborhood. I head back to Columbus.

My point is, what the fuck DirecTV??? The NFL Sunday Ticket is your bread and butter and you completely fuck the shit up. For God's sake, the Red Zone channel didn't even come in. So, you alienated 6 fan bases on Sunday with your incompetence and incontinence. Job well done. I will never, ever buy DirecTV and I'm pretty sure that my father used the dish as his deadly weapon during his murder-thon.

Thanks for nothing, DirecTV. I'll try you one more time over Thanksgiving, so get your shit together. You have truly earned this week's Middle Finger. Fuck you. And fuck Chris Rose.

Monday, October 22, 2007

The Worst of Week 7

We're going in a bit of a different path this early Monday morning. You see, I've already called off work tomorrow so I can stay home and watch a lot of Season 1 of The Wire before HBO pulls it from On Demand this coming Sunday. I didn't get to see much football yesterday due to travelling, a severe post-wedding hangover, and tomorrow's Middle Finger topic (and this company infuriated the shit out of me, but let's wait for tomorrow on that one). And looking through box scores and watching highlights, I can't really come up with 10 terrible performances from Week 7.

Big Ben was bad. The Titans and Texans defenses were bad. Tarvaris Jackson was bad. The Dolphins and Rams still suck. The Indians were bad, but excellent at gagging on the queer balls of Dustin Pedroia. Since Pedroia's team won the series, I'm guessing Grady has to be his "bottom" tonight.

That being said, I hammer NFL coaches constantly in this forum and today, I'm going to rank who I think are the ten worst coaches in the sport. So it's kind of a "worst of", but it's different. Kind of like killing a hooker. Technically, you're committing murder, but at the same time, she was already dead inside anyway.

10. Dickless Jauron - The Bills have no direction at all. Marshawk Lynch is going to be a stud, but if I were a Bills fan, I don't want Dickless handling this kid. If you were fired by the Bears and Lions, you fucking suck.

9. Rod Marinelli - I don't care what the Lions record is, it doesn't matter. When the average NFL fan has no idea what you look like and think that Mike Martz is the head decision maker, you aren't very good at your job. FYI, if Mike Martz was still a head coach, he would be a shoe-in for the top 3.

8. Brian Billick - He won a Super Bowl...so what? That was like, 8 years ago and he has done absolutely nothing since. But they have a good defense, you say. Billick has NOTHING to do with the defense for he is an "offensive guru". His offense flat out sucks. It always has. Brian Billick is the worst championship coach of all time. And yes, he is even worse than Bob Brenly.

7. Tom Coughlin - I tell you what, Coughlin is doing one hell of a job this year. If I did this list 7 weeks ago, The Rat would easily have been #1. But I give him credit, there is no turmoil or in-fighting on the Giants this season and they are playing great football. Don't get me wrong, he's still a shitty coach, but he's doing good things this year.

6. Herm Edwards - How can Herm Edwards NOT be in the top 5??? I have no idea either. But the Chiefs, the fucking CHIEFS, are 4-3 right now. Wow. I think this has nothing to do with Herm at all but nevertheless, it's still shocking. If Coughlin would have been 1 during the preseason, Herm was 2. These coaches really hate all the venom I spew about them and are trying to prove me wrong. Guess what, idiots, I ain't changin'.

5. Cam Cameron - You're 0-7. You may go 0-16. You had one of the worst drafts in the history of the NFL. Welcome to the Cam Cameron Era. He was so unqualified for a head coaching gig that Marty Morningwood thinks that that hire was a joke. How do you walk into a team meeting and try to command respect from grown men when they all know that you were fired by Indiana???

4. Scott Linehan - Can you hear the prison guards??? DEAD MAN WALKING. The Rams are such a well run franchise. What were they thinking two years ago during their head coach job search? "You know, the Dolphins had a mediocre offense this past season, let's hire their coordinator!!!" Ugh.

3. Norv Turner - Ah, trusty old Norv. A classic punching bag. The quintessential example of the guy who is nothing more than a good offensive coordinator but can't make the big boy decisions. What are the Chargers fucking thinking? Why hasn't he been fired yet? Ol' Norville killed my Redskins and sucked dong for the Raiders. I'm looking forward to his new level of losing for the Bolts.

*****UPDATE!!! Just now watching the Paul Byrd HGH lies on Sportscenter...HA!!! Classic!!! Now I can't help but wonder what HGH-laced boogers taste like.

2. Marvin Lewis - The exact opposite of Brian Billick. He has nothing to do with the offense. The defense is his baby. The defense sucks. There is no discipline on the team. They find new, creative ways to lose each week (unless they play the Jets). Marvin, you may have been the first black coach ever hired by the Bengals. And in about 3 months, you will be the first black coach fired by the Bengals.

1. Wade Phillips - I don't give a fuck what the Cowboys record is. They could go 15-1 and I would still feel this way. I don't care that he kind of looks like my grandpa either. Do you really think players listen to this guy? Do you really think that T.O. listens to this bumpkin? Sure, he looks like a nice guy, but all retards are nice. They have to be. Who would talk to a mean retard? Anyway, I use this example whenever Bum's son is on tv...he looks like he was the winner of a "Who Wants To Coach the Cowboys" contest run by some Dallas-area crazy FM radio morning show. He looks like a fan!!! I don't even think his headset is connected to anything. It's just Hank Williams songs blaring in his earhair.

Oh God, now I'm worked up. There are too many shitty coaches around these parts. I didn't even get to Romeo, Holmgren, Childress, etc. I need to get to bed. I've got a lot of The Wire to watch tomorrow. Enjoy work. I know I will...

Friday, October 19, 2007

An End Of An Era



Well, it's officially over. Joe Torre, seen here giving Billy Crystal a sympathy laugh, is done with the Yankees. Now it's time to begin the most interesting time in sports...the Yankees offseason.

Joe made more than twice as much as the next highest paid manager last year. Big Stein, instead of just letting him go, offered him an incentive-laden deal worth a base of 5 million for 1 year. Resident ESPN baseball analyst/donkey-raping shit eater, Steve Phillips, finds the Yankees offer to be a slap in the face. He said that Joe Torre deserves better than this and that the Yankees made this offer because they knew he would reject it and then he would look like the bad guy. Now, I don't know if he "deserved" it, but I can see his point that it was a token contract offer. But I think it's a fair deal. Hell, in Yankee-land, I would consider it a miracle that he still had a job offer after 7 seasons without a ring!

Look, Big Stein didn't want him back. I know it. You know it. But the team did. Torre is such a father figure to everyone in that clubhouse (that isn't black, right, Sheff?). I thought it was a good offer. It said that they would like to have him back, but they aren't going to do a long term deal and that, without any rings, you've got to take a pay cut. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with giving a guy performance bonuses? What have you done for me lately?

Joe Torre has been a model of success for the greatest franchise in the world. He really has. He will always be revered as such. He's going to get #6 retired. He could run for mayor and win. But it is the right time for both the Yankees and Joe to move on (I thought it should have been after last season). What is there left for Torre to prove? Does he really need "one for the thumb?" And the Yankees need a new voice. All the players were in a comfort zone with Joe and it is the right time to shake things up a bit since the results weren't there.

But who do you go with to replace an icon? Ah, that's the conundrum. Because everyone wants this job, but do you really want to follow Joe Torre? Be in his shadow? I would immediately rule out Tony LaRussa (The Drunk) and Bobby Valentine (The Douche Bag). Which leaves me with 4 options left and I'll rank them in the order in which I want them to run my team:

4. Tony Pena - good with Latin players, veterans respect him, solid job in KC
3. Don Mattingly - Although he is my favorite player of all time not named Shane Spencer or Glenallen Hill (who I think is on the Rockies coaching staff now, can anyone confirm?), I do NOT want Donnie running the show. He's too laid back, more so than Torre.
2. Trey Hillman - Who, you ask? He managed in the Yankees system for 13 years and won the Slope League (racism, yes!!!) as the skipper of the Nippon Ham Fighters last season. Obviously, the guy knows baseball, although he is apparently going to be the Royals manager.
1. Joe Girardi - He may be a handful for the front office, but the guy is loved in NY and has proven that he can win. And since the Yankees have a ton of young arms, his year with the Marlins shows that he knows how to handle young pitching prospects.

But anyway, back to the topic at hand, Joe Torre is a legend that will not be forgotten by baseball fans. Joe, I know you read this, you have my sincere thanks for all those great years of service. Enjoy retirement. Peace out.



***Quick prediction - Red Sox in 7. Indians fans, I've seen this before...BELIEVE ME, I have. They are going to do this. Much like me, you will curse the names of Pedroia and Youkilis. Oh yeah, and Kenny Lofton is a douche bag. Just jog down to first, you old queer.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

It Is ON Now!!!



The Indians' chicanery knows no bounds. On the heels of "Midgefest", the Wahoo Warriors are stooping to a new low to get in the head of the opposing teams pitcher. What are they doing to get into the head of game 5 Red Sox starter and ham-fisted mongoloid, Josh Beckett???

The Plain Dealer is reporting that Beckett's ex-girlfriend and country music "star", Danielle Peck (looking sexy as fuck to the left, but still, who?), is singing the national anthem tonight. BURN!!!

The Indians claim they had no idea of the love connection when they announced Tuesday that Peck would replace Taylor Swift as tonight's vocalist.

"It's an incredible coincidence. Honestly," said Indians spokesman Bob DiBiasio. "This isn't another bug thing."


Who the fuck is Taylor Swift? Oh God this is stupid, how does this even make the newspaper? I would like to think that DiBiasio is better than this. You know, since he is probably related to "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase.

"She's from Ohio. Her entire family are Indians fans. We did not know anything about her connections to Beckett. The next day, we find out the rest of the story," said DiBiasio. "How are we supposed to know who Josh Beckett dates?"

It is irresponsible to NOT know who the opposing team's players have dated!!! If we can't trust baseball brass to keep up to speed on the dating patterns of pitchers and quasi-country music sensations, who can we trust???

But it's no secret that Beckett also has dated actress Alyssa Milano and model Leeann Tweeden.
If Tweeden models "Mrs. Sizemore" shirts on the scoreboard and Milano throws out the first pitch, we'll know the games aren't just on the field.


It would be impossible for Tweeden to be Mrs. Sizemore since she is a woman and Grady tends to frequent truck stop men's rooms.

So what impact will this have on the game? Absolutely none. It's still going to be boring and it's still not going to be watched. But the real issue is, how the hell is this guy (as well as the corpse of Carl Pavano and very "lard-y" Brad Penny) pulling quality ass like this chick, Milano, and Tweeden??? I wish I would've played on that 2003 Marlins team, the chicks clearly flock to them. I, too, should've been a ham-fisted mongoloid.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "Celebrating For No Reason" edition...

***Manny Being Manny...which is synonymous with stupidity - The beauty of having a 3 TV set up in the living room is that you can watch games that you don't give a shit about. Like the ALCS. As I'm watching the Red Sox struggle against the booger-eating, abortion survivor known as Paul Byrd last night, something puzzled me. After the Massholes went back-to-back-to-back, Manny celebrated his home run the only way he knew how...by walking half way down to first with his arms raised in the air. Did he not know that they were still down 7-3??? I found it hilarious and ridiculous at the same time. And what about those "unwritten baseball rules"? Why did Manny not catch one in the ribs his next time up? We are always told not to show up the pitcher, but apparently Man-Ram gets a free pass. I don't get it.

***Would Jim Rome call him Chris? - Great news coming out of Buffalo with word that Tyler Everett is walking (with assistance). That's awesome. Now that he's back on his feet a bit, he immediately becomes one of the best players on the Bills...sorry Dewitt and Hastings, it's true.

***Just stop, NBA talking-heads - Guess what? The NBA season starts soon. Yeah, I didn't realize that either. I ask for only one thing. PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT KOBE GETTING TRADED. It isn't going to happen. He's going to be a Laker for the rest of his career. I know it, you know it. Just stop. It is so fucking stupid to speculate the possibilities of where he could end up. I'm talking to you, Ric "Soul Patch" Bucher.

***I'll trade you a Pro-Bowl WR for a bag of magic beans - A couple of trades transpired in the NFL yesterday. For some unknown reason, the Dolphins traded their best WR to San Diego for a dry handjob. The 'phins have to be on the short list for worst run franchises in sports. Terrible. Great trade for the Bolts though but it will likely have a negative impact toward my fantasy team that is actually good. In other news, former Wisconsin great/shitty NFL'er, Michael Bennett, was unloaded to the injury ravaged Bucs. This is meaningless. Bennett has sucked ever since coming into the game. The real question is, approaching the trade deadline, will the Redskins go after an offensive lineman? Since Chris Samuels is pretty much standing alone, I would hope so.

***"Oh, thank God, Phil thought it might be semen" - I'm sure you've heard about this already but if not, here you go. An assistant football coach at Baylor was arrested this weekend for drunkenly pissing on the bar. Classic. I haven't seen awesome bar behavior like this since former Napoleon great, Chris Thompson, would throw up in his hands and then swallow it back down to avoid getting kicked out. There is no word yet on what the Baylor brass will do to the coach. Patrick Denehy could not be reached for comment. And how could he, he's dead.

***Eventually the Death Penalty is coming - Indiana basketball coach, Kelvin Sampson, is a complete fucking moron. Coming on the heels of last week's "recruit busted dealing coke", comes this week's heat for recruiting violations. Sampson is a terrible person. It's plain and simple. He doesn't learn. He will continue to take shortcuts. And as I said earlier, at some point he's going to be responsible for fucking up an entire school. Cut the cord, IU, you don't need this.

***Sandusky is chock full o' gangs - The boys over at With Leather stumbled onto this gem on Monday. Sandusky High School has banned body painting at athletic contests due to potential gang violence. HAHAHAHAHA!!! That is hilarious. Are you kidding me? Does the rough and tumble gang "The Cedar Point summer staff" start doing drive-bys when skin is painted. If so, then that's just wrong! Come on, these are kids supporting their high school. Give me a fucking break. I'm pretty sure there isn't a big Crips contingent on Lake Erie that frequents high school football games. But what do I know, I'm just a sexy blogger. SHS is likely just pissed because the greatness which is the Napoleon Fightin' John Snoad's (7-1) took them behind the woodshed a few weeks back. OOOOOOOOOOOOH N-A-P-O-L-E-O-N, Napoleon, Napoleon, Napoleon!!!

I love me some high school football talk. See you tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Middle Finger: Sean Salisbury



I have had enough. I can't stand him. The constant pompous attitude has done me in. The lack of preparation and stupid commentary has worked my last nerve. This week's Middle Finger goes to none other than ESPN's resident retard NFL analyst, Sean Salisbury.

I was listening to the dreadful Jon Seibel on my way home from work yesterday on ESPN radio. Each Monday, he's live on location at wherever the Monday Nighter is at that week. Salisbury co-hosts the show with him. At 6 o'clock, they give a breakdown of the city they are in called "Mad Local Flava" (nice name). They were discussing what there is to do in Atlanta and they are so hip, they mentioned Ludacris!

Salisbury, for some reason, started talking about all the places he would go and who he would go with. He said that his friend "Claire" lives in Atlanta now and he would do all these things with her. He said that this "Claire" woman used to be a Dolphins cheerleader and that they were good "friends". Yet for some reason I get the feeling that if "Claire" was listening to him talk about her, she should be terrified. As much as he was name-dropping this mysterious cheerleader, she should probably file a restraining order against him.

Why would I think that? Well, after all, this is the same Salisbury that was suspended by ESPN for improper conduct. The allegation? Sean took a picture of his junk on his phone and was quite excited to show it to everyone at the company. You know, something that only a model citizen and employee would do. I guess this means that Salisbury is friends with local legend, T-Bone (guy keeps a picture of his dick in his wallet).




While half-assing my way through some Salisbury research this morning, his wikipedia page says that he makes over a million dollars a year from ESPN. What the fuck. This can't be true. ESPN does a LOT of things wrong when it comes to their suffocating NFL coverage and Sean Salisbury is one of the worst. He adds nothing to their broadcasts. His opinions are usually wrong, he is a smarmy asshole, he would do anything to floss with Brett Favre's jock. I hate him. One Million Fucking Dollars.

And how the fuck is Salisbury a quarterbacking expert anyway? He was a career back-up! If I need to know the best way to hold a clipboard or signal in plays, I'll ask for his opinion. Not for QB play. Tom Brady has more touchdowns after 6 games this year (20) than Sean had his entire career (19). I think Tony Banks is more qualified to criticize gunslingers. Salisbury breaking down quarterback play is like Brady Quinn discussing the mechanics of heterosexual sex. Or Charlie Weis talking about dieting. Or Mike Tyson running a seminar on financial responsibility. Man, I hate this guy.

How can you like a guy who was the "color commentator" on the awful Comedy Central show, Battle Bots? Remember that piece of crap? I'm sure it would have still sucked without him, but it went over the top with Sean.

So in conclusion, "Claire", if you are a real person and you subscribe to this greatness: Be careful. Be afraid, be very afraid. Because one day, Sean Salisbury is going to break into your house when you are out and tape pictures of his cock up on all your walls. You're going to be scared. You should be. Because when you check your bedroom to see if anything is missing, Sean's going to be there and you're not going to like what you see. That's right, he and John Clayton are going to be naked on the floor fighting robots to the death. That's just how he rolls.

So Sean Salisbury, you've pushed me over the edge this week. A million fucking dollars? Enjoy this mid-October Middle Finger. You've earned it.

Monday, October 15, 2007

The Worst of Week 6

Once again, it's time to break down the worst from week 6 in the NFL. After Saturday's euphoria from my Redhawks decapitation of the hated Bowling Green Falcons (almost ensuring a bowl birth), it was nothing but heartbreak on Sunday. I will say that seeing Ben Roethlisberger get his jersey retired was freaking awesome. The guy deserved it. But enough love, let's get to the hate. I'm much better at that.

10. Eric Byrnes - Since there were even less games than usual, we're devoting one spot to baseball today. The oh-so-mediocre Eric Byrnes is ANOTHER shining example of how athletes are the dumbest people in the world. His remarks about how the D-Bags have outplayed the Rockies in the NLCS were so stupid that even Mike Tyson thinks he's an idiot. Come on, Eric, you're better than that. Get your fucking broom out, buddy, your season ends tonight.

9. Kurt Warner - Judas Priest, Kurt. What a bunch of shit. You get me all excited that your corpse had been exhumed and was ready to be a force again in the league and then you get hurt in the first fucking quarter leaving my fantasy team in ruins. Disaster. After seeing the performances from Warner and Jon Kitna over the past few weeks, can we finally realize that God doesn't care about football at all???

8. Jason Taylor/Zach Thomas - Pathetic. One week it's Justin Fargas and Daunte Culpepper. Then it's Derek Anderson and Jason Wright. Have some pride. If the Dolphins played the Rams, I'm pretty sure it would lead to the apocalypse. Or make me want to watch Apocalypto. I'm not sure, but I know it would be like sticking your balls in a vise.

7. Gus Frerotte - Speaking of shitty, just look at the pic and you can tell how the Rams played yesterday. 5 picks for In Gus We Trust. Wow. Dan Dierdorf said about Trent Green last week, "If Webster's had a definition for competitiveness, it would be Trent Green." First of all, Dan, I'm pretty sure that Webster's is aware that that word exists and has already defined it. Secondly, if Webster's had a definition for "monkey ejaculate", it would be Gus Frerotte. That being said, I'm calling my shot and picking the Rams to get off the schneid next week with a win at home over the Browns.

6. Chad Pennington - Yep, it's time for Kellen Clemens. It's also time to start scouting top 5 draft picks. The Jets clearly angered the football Gods last year with their fluke season and now it's time to even it out. They are a 4 win team eventhough they play the Dolphins and Bills twice. But I did dig those throwbacks yesterday. Eric Mangina needs to have that genius label stripped immediately.

5. Marvin Lewis (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - If Herm is giving up his usual slot on this list at #5, it may as well go to the guy that was OUTCOACHED BY HERM EDWARDS. Marvin better update his resume because if I ran the Bengals, I would've shitcanned his ass at 4:30 yesterday afternoon. There is no excuse to lose to the Chiefs. There is no excuse to give up well over 400 yards to the Chiefs. Bye bye, Marvin. There is no excuse to have Carson Palmer at 1-4.

4. Matt Hasselbeck/Mike Holmgren - I'm just going to say it. The Seahawks suck. Hasselbeck turned in the worst 362 yard performance I've ever seen. He's erratic. He misses easy throws. He only scored 17 points against the Saints at home. Terrible. I don't think Mike Holmgren even watches the opposing teams film anymore. He is a bad coach. Not Herm bad, probably more like Coughlin bad. The NFC West is the worst division in football. The SEC laughs at the NFC West.

3. Tony Romo - I love watching this fag struggle. I love watching this fag lose. How can you like this guy? Seriously, he is such a douche bag. I was explaining to my dad on Saturday how much I hate Romo and he had the nerve to say that he actually liked him. Is it legal to divorce your parents when you're 27??? Anywho, I look forward to watching this queer suck more the rest of the season. Wipe that shit-eating grin off your face.

2. Brian Urlacher - Congratulations to Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson. That was amazing. With that one performance, you have just guaranteed yourself first round pick status in fantasy football leagues for the next 5 years. Amazing. That being said, the Vikings are the most one dimensional team in the league and Urlacher and the boys STILL give up well over 300 yards on the ground??? Tarvaris Jackson makes Tim Rattay look like Fran Tarkenton. Job well done, Bears, your season is over after week 6.

1. Santana Moss - You all know that whenever the Redskins lose, I'm putting their goat at #1. Yesterday, Santana Moss was about as valuable as a gunshot to the head. 0 catches, 1 rush for 0 yards. 1 pass that went right through his hands and into the Joe Good neck-breaking arms of Charles Woodson. 1 reverse that he fumbled after barely being touched which the aforementioned Woodson picked up and took to the house. He benched himself because he was terrible. Santana Moss, and to a lesser extent, Clinton Portis and the 21 offensive lineman that got hurt during the game, lost that fucking game. Our fucking sick-ass, bitchin' defense deserves better than that. Santana, that was putrid. There is no way that they should have lost that game. They are a much better team than the Packers. It's just so god damn frustrating. If they play with any fire at all in the second half against the Giants and Pack, they are fucking undefeated. Oh well, we get Rattay at home next Sunday. By the way, Brett Favre isn't very good.

I'm still so pissed off at the Redskins. Fuck. See you tomorrow if I don't kill myself during the Falcons/G-Men Monday Nighter tonight.

Friday, October 12, 2007

It's My-ee-y-ee-y...Wish



We've all played the game. You're daydreaming and you think about what you would do if you were granted 3 wishes. Obviously, you would use one of them on a shitload of money. I mean, why wouldn't you? With money, you can buy your way out of trouble (OJ) or get cured of something that the general public can't (Magic Johnson). But you still have two more wishes. And that's why today I'm going to tell you what my other two requests would be. It's kind of like those old Sportscenter Make-A-Wish things except that I'm not terminal and I don't need to meet athletes.

I've been thinking about talking about this for awhile and since I'm struggling with Blogger's Block again today, here are my wishes.

1. Cash Money and lots of it.

2. I want to be able to dunk.
--I'm a 5'9" and change, out of shape white guy that can barely touch the net. There was an old rumor from high school gym class that one time I touched the rim (thanks Nathan R. Miller). Now I will neither confirm nor deny this rumor, but if it did happen, touching the rim isn't good enough. I want to throw down the rock. Bad. A few months ago, one of my fantasy drafts was held at a someone's house who had an adjustable height rim. It was awesome. Ol' Spiess and sometimes commenter, saul hudson, were throwing me alley-oops. Fantastic. I almost dunked my hands raw. It's a feeling that can't be duplicated. You know one thing that I've always hated? When your favorite hoops team's point guard rips a steal and has a breakaway at the other end and lays it in. It's so pussy-fied. You have to make the opponent feel it. You have to make it hurt. You have to get back the momentum. You slam that fucker home. Of course, when this wish of mine is granted, I'll be dropping some sick 360's and maybe even a 720. I know I've got it in me. Maybe even a "Rock The Cradle of Lindsay"? None of you know that inside joke, but if you did, you would shit yourself.



3. For one week, I want WWE announcer, Jim Ross, to narrate my life.
--Chances are, if you read blogs, you have some faint idea who Good 'Ol JR is. The lovable play-by-play man on Monday Night Raw that gets way too excited over meaningless, trivial things. I think that is what I need to take my own life to the next level. Here's what I'm hoping for out of this wish:

***"That drunken Ohio State fan just spilled beer on him. Business is about to pick up here!"
***"OH MY GAWD HE JUST BLOGGED ON THE SPANISH ANNOUNCERS TABLE!"
***"He's trying to squeeze into his sweatpants! It’s gonna be a slobberknocker!"
***"Good God Almighty, he's driving to work!!"
***"You knew it was a risk getting that Taco Bell at 2:30 last night, but my God look at the bathroom! Look at the carnage!"
***"I know G$ wanted to come to this S&M club, but he's getting whipped like a government mule!!"
***"It looks like after twelve hits of the snooze button, he's going to have to call off work today. It doesn't look like he's moving...wait a minute...HE KICKED OUT! HE KICKED OUT! HE KICKED OUT!"
***"He's jerking off for the 5th time today! That's your penis, for God's sake, you rotund demon!"
***"He's making a turkey sandwich for his lunch tomorrow...THE AUDACITY!!!"
***"Once again, he's cut himself shaving. He's donned the proverbial crimson mask."
***"Through Hellfire and Brimstone, HE'S LAYING ON THE COUCH!!!"
***"He just missed a ten foot putt in Golden Tee..."DAMMIT! DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!!!"

But I don't live in a perfect world and none of these things will likely happen. Sigh. That's depressing. Oh well. Have a good weekend.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Welcome Back, Ben

I'm heading down to Oxford Saturday for the homecoming game versus the hated Falcons of Bowling Green. While doing my daily scouring of the internets yesterday, I came across this juicy little nugget:

In a pregame ceremony Saturday, Miami University will retire jersey number 7 in honor of one of its greatest athletes, football superstar Ben Roethlisberger. He becomes only the third athlete in Miami football history to have his number retired. The former RedHawk quarterback, now a star with the NFL's Pittsburgh Steelers, led Coach Terry Hoeppner's 2003 club to 13 consecutive victories, a Mid-American Conference Championship, and a victory in the GMAC Bowl. Roethlisberger earned Third-Team All-America honors during his record-breaking junior season. A three-time MVP at Miami, "Big Ben" smashed the school's passing records from 2001-03, achieving nearly unreachable career records of 10,829 passing yards and 84 touchdown passes. Among the special guests who are attending Saturday's ceremony will be his parents, Ken and Brenda Roethlisberger, and Jane Hoeppner, the wife of the late Terry Hoeppner. NOTE: THE PUBLIC IS URGED TO BE IN THEIR SEATS NO LATER THAN 2:40 P.M. TO WITNESS THE CEREMONY.

Sweet. One of my favorite players of all time is being honored (on his bye week) and I'll be there to see it. Miami is also inducting Terry Hoeppner into the famed Cradle of Coaches which is also well deserved. Should be a great day in Oxford. And apparently 2:40 pm means 2:40 pm, because the bold lettering says so. I can't wait. I was in attendance when Wally Szczerbiak's number was retired, and I'm even more excited for this one. Oh and there's a pretty important football game since both teams are undefeated in the MAC. And if you haven't seen that pic before, give it a click to view it's full hilarity.

Channelling my inner-Jeff Foxworthy...If you went to Bowling Green State University, you might have gonorrhea.

Also of note, I was watching the end of the Navy/Pitt overtime quasi-thriller last night. FYI, Dave Mustache Wannstedt is about 4 games away from being shitcanned. Near the end, Lou Holtz, Mark May, and Rece Davis were talking about who had the best sandwich in the Pittsburgh area. Rece asked Lou for his take:

Lou: That's like picking between Joan Collins and Linda Evans (HA, a Dynasty reference!).
Rece: How about a more modern reference, like Eva Longoria or (I think) Teri Hatcher?
Lou: I don't know who that is.

Classic Lou Holtz. He can't wait to catch the Early-Bird at the Country Kitchen Buffet tomorrow.

And one more thing. The best part of the internet, besides the midget porn, is being able to follow your teams without buying newspapers and whatnot. Washington Post columnist, Dan Steinberg, wrote about an interesting exchange between Redskins CB's Carlos Rogers and Fred "Sex Boat" Smoot arguing over a nickname. The story is pretty short and showcases just how insane Fred Smoot is. My favorite part...

"First of all, he's not Johann, I am," Smoot said. "Johann is a name given to me by a legion of women. Physically, facially, I'm one of the gifted guys in the NFL. That's why they call me 'Johann.' 'Cavalli' came from me just being an established family guy, just one of those notable last names. You know, Cavalli. 'I'm a Cavalli!' First you're thinking, you know, 'maybe he's Italian' or something like that. That's all. But he's not Johann; I am Johann. 'Johann Cavalli' is my whole name. Valentino is a name I used to have when I was here the first time, that's when I was 'Sugar Ray Valentino.' Don't let this name dropping kill you."

Yes, the facially gifted Fred Smoot is Johann Cavalli Valentino. Athletes are hilarious. I've got nothing more to say.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Hump Day Hump


Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "We're Moving On With Our Sports Life" edition.

That was one expensive-ass dogfight - An arbiter has rules that Mikey Vick is going to have to give a shit-ton of his signing bonus back to the Falcons for being a terrible employee. Good for them. But I'll tell you what, the Falcons need Vick badly. Maybe with this recouped money, they can spring for another high quality QB. Did somebody say Jeff George? Jeff Blake? Jeff Hostetler?

It's official, she's been lying for years - It's a bit old as far as news goes, but Marion Jones sucks. If memory serves me, she had been accused of roids numerous times and always defended her honor and saying the rumors were not true. Well fuck you, you scumbag whore. I hope the IOC takes your medals, records, and even your soul for this charade. You are a gigantic fraud. It's a good thing that sprinting is a pretty meaningless sport otherwise people might care.

A-Rod will play until he's 80 - Or that's what super-agent and uber-douchebag, Scott Boras, wants you to believe. Are you serious? Boras has guaranteed that Alex will play until he's 45, hit 1000 home runs, and break Bad Haircut Rose's all time hit record. I know you are supposed to promote your client, but come on. Do you have a crystal ball? Did you visit a gypsy who told the future? You have no fucking idea what's going to happen down the road for Alex so take it easy with the predictions. On a completely unrelated note, I have hired Boras to represent this blog. He is predicting that I will win the Nobel Prize and pass Deadspin in hits over the next month. Thanks, Scott.

Might as well put my Scott Boras hat on - Even though the playoffs are over (the ratings will show that America agrees with me), I may as well predict the outcomes. This will likely be the last playoff related article you read here. I like the Red Sox to put Indians fans in their place in 6 games (Manny MVP). I also like the D-Backs to beat the Rockies in 7 (Brandon Webb wins 3 games for the MVP). And that will lead to the worst World Series ever. Actually, any combination of these 4 will likely pop the worst ratings in World Series history. Enjoy Joe Buck, douchebags!!!

These guys are a lot better than chairs - Anyone catch the highlights from Yi's preseason hoops debut with the Bucks last night? He fouled out, scored 3 points, and got POSTERIZED by some guy who will be in the NBDL in a few weeks. Uh oh. Milwaukee may have made a mistake by drafting a Chinese stiff whose only highlights were showcasing low post moves in practice against desk chairs. On another Chinese basketball note (because we scour the globe here), John Hollinger has unleashed his player rankings for this upcoming season. His #1 player in the entire NBA...Yao Ming. Huh?

Indiana recruits fine citizens - Indiana basketball recruit, Bud Mackey (with a name like that, I expect he played for Norman Dale at Hickory High), was arrested for dealing cocaine in Kentuck-a. Oh, well played, sir. This is just another glaring example of my theory that athletes are the dumbest people in the world. And that Kelvin Sampson only recruits horrible character guys. A bit of advice to Bud Mackey...drugs are bad, mmmm-kay.

What the fuck? - This may be the most disturbing news I've heard in awhile, but Nick Nolte and his ho just had a kid. That's right, Nick Nolte is a father of a newborn. The 66 year old Nolte. THIS Nick Nolte.



Try to get some sleep tonight everyone, I know I won't. I'm too terrified.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The Middle Finger: Myself



I know what you want me to say. I know what you want to hear. But it's my fucking blog and you're not going to hear it. You could corner me with The Van Buren Boys and I still wouldn't give you the pleasure. It's not coming out of my mouth...or in this case, my fingers. This Black Tuesday sucks. But I should feel a lot worse.

And that's why I give this week's Middle Finger to...myself???

As I watched Joe Borowski suck his way to another save last night, I couldn't help but realize that watching the Yankees get beat out by inferior youngsters year after year has gotten easier to swallow. And that sucks. What the hell happened? When did things change? I can't be the only Yankees fan that has noticed this.

But something has changed. Time to switch into "old man reminisces about the past" mode. The glory days of the late 90's are long gone. I understand that. Those teams struck fear into every team the played against and it showed in the results. But now it sucks. There are no clutch hits. Whatever breaks are available in the game are almost always snagged up by the other team. The starting pitching staff should just wear Frank Gorshin's old Riddler suit instead of Pinstripes since you have no idea what you're getting from them. They make a point to force the pitch counts on the opponent's starter but fail to realize that by doing this, many times they are giving up a pitch to drive. The let incredibly shitty pitchers (see Kenny Rogers, Paul Byrd, Bronson Arroyo, etc) get off the hook by having terrible at bats due to this practice.

It's so fucking predictable. I like to put on the "good fan" face and talk about World Series titles and sweeps and this is our year and blah blah blah. I don't really feel that way. I know they're going to fuck it up. I know it's coming right back in my face. But I pray to St. Brosius that it will change. And it never does. Instead of clutch home runs, Derek Jeter is now rolling into countless weak-ass double plays to end innings. Mariano became hittable. The sticks are ice fucking cold. Scott Brosius should have never been granted sainthood.

Ugh. OK, this is good. Now that I type this out I'm starting to feel a little depressed. And that's a good thing. Normal people feel shitty when their team's season ends.

Let me talk about a few things really quick. The worst player on the field in this series was Jorge Posada (not debatable). The second worst was Paul Byrd, who looks like a guy that eats his own boogers. Letting Byrd off the hook inning after inning was an embarrassment. He doesn't even belong in baseball. He sucks. Wang was fantastic. 1 inning!!! Good God. I made my concession phone call to the only person that has earned that right, in the 7th inning when Farnsworth was brought in (Although I told you guys last week, when someone's team is knocked out of the postseason, it's a total fag-bitch move to call and brag that same night. Have some class). I was that sure that they had quit. Jason Giambi needs to go away. Home plate umpire Fielding Culbreth (nice name) was horrid last night. Jhonny Peralta had good numbers in this series but wasn't even close to hitting a ball hard...which is REALLY frustrating. The 2 out RISP success that the Tribe had is such a flukey stat. It sucks when it happens against your boys, but I wouldn't get too excited about it because that isn't something that you can keep up for a long period of time.

There are going to be a lot of changes coming in the next few months which will be a topic for a later day. I'm looking forward to them. Who will manage the team? Is Alex coming back? What about Posada, Abreu, and Mariano? Should be interesting.

But back to me. I'm going to catch a lot of shit the next week or so and it's well deserved. But at the same time, deep down I knew this day was coming. This isn't your dad's Yankees team (whatever that means). This isn't my teenage Yankees team. And that right there is the reason why baseball is not nearly as important to me as it once was. The game itself is a complete mind-fuck bore if your team isn't winning titles/gets beat out by kids every October. It's almost unwatchable.

So I implore all you Indians fans to get all the vile and feces and Sizemore semen off of your chests and spew it out in the comments for me. But the fact is, I'm not going to lose any sleep over this. I'm tired of having my heart broken every Fall. I'm tired of watching 4+ hour games that end with losses. I'm tired of watching our starting pitchers get knocked out before the first Frank TV commercial. I'm tired of watching Eric Wedge (he's an idiot by the way) and Joe Torre have a contest of who can be most like a statue.

I'm tired. I'm ready to fully embrace football now. Something can be said that after the bottom of the 9th, I rolled my eyes. But when the Bills executed one of the worst choke jobs in the history of football, I was screaming at the TV like a homicidal maniac. I guess maybe my priorities are a bit out of whack. Baseball is done for me, and for most of the country, and in a few days I'll be glad. After all, I will be heading to Oxford for the big BGSU/Miami MAC showdown on Saturday and the Redskins play Favre this Sunday and the Cavs season is right around the corner...YAY!!!

Recently, my own retardedness has thought that losing early is a lot easier to swallow than losing late. And that's a pathetic way to think about things. That's a pathetic way to think about a team that, while they've fucked up a ton over the past 7 years, they're still your team and you should support them. I suck as a fan right now. I'm part of the problem, not the solution. And for that reason...

This week's Middle Finger goes to myself.



***I apologize if this doesn't flow as well as I wanted it. There are a lot of thoughts and opinions floating around the melon right now and since I don't write anything down, they come out when they pop in my head.

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Worst of Week 5

A few things on the ALDS before we dive into the week that was in the NFL.

***Phil Hughes was spectacular last night. The future is bright indeed.

***That being said, Roger, it's time to walk away. I applaud the effort. We know you want the ball. Go back to Houston. You've done all that you can. We wouldn't be here without you.

***All it takes to get out of a slump is the awful pitching of Jake Westbrook. At least the Indians have him for 3 more years at 11 mill per.

***Wang vs. Byrd tonight...looks like we're heading back to Cleveland. I'm calling my shot right now. There is no way in hell that Paul fucking Byrd is knocking us out.

***Mr. Steinbrenner, throwing out ultimatums does not help things. It's not Joe Torre's fault that the offense went to shit.



Onto Week 5's worst performances!!! Let's get going as I've got a bone the size of Texas after this weekend's huge wins by my Redhawks and Redskins (suck it, Lions).

10. John Lynch - Aren't safeties supposed to stop the run? Aren't you a hard hitter? I've always thought that Lynch was incredibly overrated anyway. It's part of your job to stuff the run. Bob Sanders and Meng Polamalu don't have any trouble doing it. Although I should thank you since I was in a bye week bind and had to start Michael "The Burner" Turner on my fantasy team, John Snoad Anal Beads...thank you very much.

9. Byron Leftwich - Whoa. That was bad. If you were unfortuante enough to watch this game or hell, even see the highlights, you know that Leftwich was uncorking nothing but incredibly high hard ones yesterday. Not even close. He was overthrowing WR's by 30 feet. Joey Harrington doesn't look so fucking bad now does he, Atlanta???

8. Matt Leinart - It's very rare that a team that wins, gets a guy on this list. Sorry, Matt. This is OK though. Your broken collarbone saves you the embarrassment of getting replaced by Brenda Warner's husband. Now you can just blame your wing. You better get your shit together this offseason, Heisman.

7. Mike Martz - What the fuck was that, offensive guru? I know Redskins defense. I know you can exploit Redskins defense. You apparently did NO homework on them. I'm still shocked. You put 34 points up in the 4th quarter alone last week against the Bears and then drop a 3 spot yesterday. Something doesn't add up. The Lions are not for real. The Redskins are and WE will win in Green Bay next Sunday.

6. The Fans - Yes, that's right, you the fans were losers yesterday. That is, if you were like me and actually watched the Ravens/49ers game...or as I like to call it, the worst game of the season. Just terrible. If it wasn't for the constant replaying of Trent Dilfer's touchdown pass celebration, I would've hung myself. Doesn't Dilfer look a lot like Ian Ziering??? Hey Billick, the best player on your offense doesn't touch the ball nearly enough (McGahee) and you should be starting Boller since McNair can't throw the ball more than 15 yards.

5. Herm Edwards (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - Thank God the Chiefs two game winning streak is over and Herm can take his memorial spot back. I have no idea if he had anything to do with the Chiefs loss yesterday but I'm sure he didn't help. It is my goal to never see a snap of any Chiefs game this season.

4. Matt Hasselbeck - Can we just say that Baldy is nothing more than a mediocre QB? He doesn't do anything well and is wildly inconsistent. In today's NFL, there is no excuse to be shutout. James Farrior shoved a can of Chunky Soup up his ass yesterday.

3. Trent Green's Head - Bad day for Ol' Rag Arm's dome. Looks like his career is likely over after being ambulanced (I made up a word!) off the field. He tried to chop block the Texans D-Lineman and now it's over. The best part about it was the Texans guy's comments. "At 12:01, I had all the respect for Trent Green. At 12:20, FUCK TRENT GREEN." Hilarious. Athletes are the best.

2. The New Orleans Saints - K'Ville has a better chance of getting picked up for a second season than the Saints do of getting to 6 wins. This is a BAD team. If you can't win at home against a team led by an injured David Carr, you suck dog balls. If the Saints were a baseball team, I would call for a fire sale. If the Saints were one of Mike Vick's dogs, they would be electrocuted by now.

1. Brett Favre and James Jones - Two fumbles on potential scoring drives by WR James Jones. Two classic Brett Favre second half interceptions. Now these are the Green Bay Packers that I remember. Wisconsinites should now officially be done sucking each other dicks. And my Redskins are coming to town next weekend with a better defense than the Bears. That's right I said it. The Skins will make Favre look foolish next week. Jump off the bandwagon, the Packers are losing again next week.

That's it. I'll be back tomorrow for hopefully not a Black Tuesday. Although if the Yankees do lose, tomorrow's Middle Finger should be very profane. I don't see that happening though. Go Yankees.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Game 2 Thoughts/Link Dump

At least games 3 and 4 will be played in New York and not Somalia...

That was a disgrace. I'm not going to blame the loss last night on a bug invasion, I'm not. Really. But come on, name one other city where something like that could possibly happen??? Only in Cleveland.

The Yankees didn't deserve to win, but they sure as hell didn't deserve to lose. My predictions are turning into a scary form of reality (Wang would struggle, Pettitte would be fantastic and he was absolutely sensational, and Posada would let a couple balls get by him).

And Jorge, hang your head in shame. That one is one you. You call the fucking pitches. You know that sliders have a tendency to hit the dirt. Get your big-eared ass down and block something. That loss is on you, Dumbo. That was NOT Joba's fault.

Fausto was brilliant. But he was used to the bugs since he grew up with swarms living on his face (a poor Mexican joke!). Enough said. The Indians offense was rotten. Luis Vizcaino sucks. Whatever he doesn't suck, Grady Sizemore and his entourage of assless chap-wearing fags, swallows. He is such a pillow-biter. I guarantee that he and Brady Quinn hold hands while walking on the Lake Erie beaches.

This isn't over. Not by a long shot. Joe Torre knows what he's doing (I hope). He knows that now the Indians will throw the shitty crime-fighting duo of Westbrook and Byrd the next 2 games as opposed to giving CC and Fausto another go-round in games 4 and 5. This is good. It's coming back to Somalia.

Do you remember the world's claim that Ohio State fans are the biggest douchebags on the planet? Well here's something for you. I'm watching the game last night at the GF's in wonderful HD. Her roommate is there and he's a bit of a talker/idiot. As soon as I walk in, he tells me that he is not an Indians fan at all but that he just hates the Yankees. OK, I can handle that. It's not the first time I've heard this. Well, as the game is going on, he is screaming, and I mean SCREAMING, at the TV for the team that he apparently doesn't like and throwing it in my face. It's not like I was cheering much either. He was doing it because he's an asshole. I'm just sitting there watching in nervous silence and this REDS fan is running his mouth. That is complete bullshit. Have some class. Your team didn't make the playoffs, mine did, let me try to enjoy it and you sit there and be non-partisan. I would NEVER EVER do this. And I don't. I watch OSU basketball and football games with a TON of Buckeye fans each week. They know I'm rooting against them. But I never say a damn word during the game. Why? Because that's just wrong. When Florida kicked their ass in every sport, I never said a thing. They didn't need to hear me. They knew what was happening and how poorly their boys looked. It would have been totally unneccessary. Just like last night. Roommate, I understand the situation. I understand your position. There is no need to shove it in my face. Even my Indians fan idiot friends at least only dropped an "Uh oh" text message which is OK. Have some fucking class. There's a reason OSU fans are dubbed worse than the Nazis, you don't need to add to that.

Jumping down off my soapbox. Time to showcase what else is going on in the world of blogs...

***Sweet...the Would You Do Tournament is back up and running over at The Big Picture. My money is on darkhorse Matt Leinart bastard carrier, Brynn Cameron.

***Don't tell me that there is a bigger rivalry than Yankees/Red Sox. It ain't happening. With Leather with the details.

***Bob Loblaw over at Flyers Fieldhouse (one of my favorite blogs and they're from Ohio!) begins the new weekly feature, Sexual Terms Dictionary Saturday. Perfect.

***Wanna buy Jerome Bettis's Ferrari? No? That makes sense. Check out Mondesi's House for the details though.

***Marco from the now extinct blog, Just Call Me Juice, now has his college hoops only site, Storming The Floor. I'm sexually excited about this.

***And the award for Greatest Blog Name Ever goes to The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes...and he also fucking hates Dane Cook.

***One more, one of my new favorite hangouts for NFL satire West coast-style, is The Hater Nation. Give it a look if you think Norv Turner is an idiot.


Have a good weekend, peeps. Hopefully, Monday morning won't be a black Monday for the Yankees. Redhawks and Kent Read, Kent Write, Kent State are on FSN Ohio at 3 today. Look 'em up. GO PURDUE (that's for you, aforementioned dickhead).