Thursday, September 27, 2007

He Is Not A Hall Of Famer




As a resident of the questionable state of Ohio, I am used to being bombarded with Cleveland/Cincinnati fans trying to convince me of how great their teams and players are. It’s fine, I accept it. It’s part of living here. They need something to get excited about.

For years, debates have raged on about the Hall of Fame legitimacy of one man. Many bar arguments have started over this topic. I, for one, can judge this man’s career objectively while listening to the homers spew garbage defending his career. To me, it is obvious that this player does not belong. At the end of this work of sheer genius, you will believe, too. This player I speak of…is Omar Vizquel.

The main argument I get from the Indians fans backing the little rat is that he’s the greatest fielder of all time. I can’t argue with that. And I won’t try to. His .984 fielding percentage is the best ever at that position. But I will say this. Omar has made 181 errors over the course of his 18 seasons in baseball. It doesn’t look nearly as good though when I can say that Vizquel has averaged 10+ errors a season. Similarly, JT Snow is still regarded as being one of, if not the, best fielding first baseman in the game. But offensively, he couldn’t hit Joe Borowski. And everybody hits Jo-Bo. There is more to the game than a slick glove and unnecessary bare hand plays. Hell, Jim Kaat won 16 straight Gold Gloves AND won 283 games and the committee isn’t even considering him for inclusion for some insane reason!!!

“But Ozzie Smith got in and Omar is a better fielder and a better offensive player.” Again, I won’t argue that. But, Ozzie was fortunate enough to play in a time period when SS were gloves only and always hit 8th or 9th in the lineup. If Ozzie played today and put up the same numbers he had in his career, he would be an afterthought. He would be thought of just like we think of Rey Ordonez…and no one thinks about him. (By the way, remember Rey Ordonez and how Mets fans kept saying he was going to be a stud?) He would have no chance, wouldn’t even be on the ballot. It was just good timing for The Wizard.

Now, for the meat and potatoes of my position, let’s break down Omar’s career offensively:

A career .274 hitter
A career .340 OBP
Has scored 100 runs in a season twice
Has hit .300 once
Averages 48 RBI per season
Averages 21 SB per season


Not very impressive at all, is it? If I needed someone to lay a sacrifice bunt down in the 9th inning to move a runner, would I want Omar at the dish? Absolutely. But the numbers don’t lie. He is not a reliable offensive player. And he never has been. Those stats aren’t of a Hall of Famer. They are for a journeyman utility infielder. Great situational hitters aren’t given the time of day for Cooperstown inclusion. For God’s sake, those are Jack Wilson’s numbers!!!

One of the unwritten rules for Hall Of Fame candidacy is that you should be the most dominant, premier player at your position for at least a 5 year period. The SS in the league from when Omar was at his best in Cleveland are: A-Rod, Jeter, Tejada, Nomar, Barry Larkin, and Ripken (although he was playing 3B then and should NOT have been a first ballot Hall of Famer but that argument is for a different day). And now you’ve got guys like Jose Reyes, Jimmy Rollins, Carlos Guillen, and Hanley Ramirez. You can’t convince me that Omar Vizquel is even a top 10 SS over the past 15 years. Look at the names, the numbers, and the legacies of the guy’s I just listed, it doesn’t add up for Omar. There is simply too much competition among SS to say that Omar Vizquel is elite.

In conclusion, Omar Vizquel was, and I guess still is, a solid player. But there is nothing premier about him besides his Web Gems (which last I checked, were not a statistical category). He has no chance to get in. None. And don’t say that I’m just hammering the Indians because I’m not. I have made people well aware that I believe Albert Belle deserves to get in as the guy was perhaps the most feared hitter in the 90’s, batshit crazy or not.

Omar, enjoy retirement. But, in the future, whenever you go to Cooperstown, you’re going to have to pay to get in. Indians fans, shut the fuck up. You’re wrong.

Queue The Welcome Back, Kotter Theme

They tease you a lot, but you got 'em on the spot, welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.

Sweet. After "officially giving up" on the Yankees twice earlier this season, needless to say that I am very happy this morning. WE are headed back to the playoffs. WE silenced the critics (STEVE FUCKING PHILLIPS). WE are ready for this shit.

It looks like the AL matchups are all but set. Boston should be getting the one seed and taking the 8 day series while playing the Angels. My Yankees will be facing Cleveland in the 7 day series. I'll say again, this should be what happens. But who knows.

I'm not going to take any more digs on Indians fans (well, after the 2nd post I have today). The baseball Gods have punished them enough. But from my vantage point, this is an absolutely perfect situation for the Yankees. Play a team that you own and have your two old nemesis's's's's duke it out. That's gold, Jerry, GOLD!!!

I'm not nervous (although after last year's debacle, maybe I should be). The Indians aren't a big threat. As long as Clemens can go, WE should be fine.

Happy Clinching Day. I'll be back in a few hours after I'm done editing my long-winded diatribe.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week is the "Oversleep/Late For Work" edition...

***I'M A MAN!!! - How great was that tirade by Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy??? This blog has always supported the press conference blow up (Diddly-poo is still my favorite) and this one ranks right near the top. For once, people are actually talking about OSU Cowboy football and that's a good thing for the program. Was he right? Probably not, a college QB certainly deserves to be scrutinized if he sucks. But I like a coach standing up for his players, take notes Tom Coughlin.

***Mike Patrick Is Insane - I still can't believe this happened. During the Georgia/Bama overtime thriller Saturday, ESPN PBP man, Mike Patrick, asked his partner "what does Britney Spears do next?" During the overtime. Right before Georgia won with a 25 yard TD pass. HA!!! Mike Patrick is such a fucking idiot. There's a time and a place for everything, Mikey, maybe you should've addressed the Britney situation during your coverage of the Women's Final Four. I'm hoping he starts talking about Kim Kardashian's porno/upcoming Playboy spread this weekend.

***Sex Cannon Is Limp - Rex "The Sex Cannon" Grossman is heading to the bench now...about 8 games too late. What the hell was Lovie waiting for? I mean, the Minnesota Vikings think Grossman sucks. Joey Harrington thinks Grossman sucks. Is Brian Griese better? He's made a pro bowl and he has a pulse so I'm thinking yes. We might have just seen Rex's last interception in the NFL Sunday night...and that depresses me a bit.

***Whitey's Taking Back The Backfield - ALRIGHT!!! With Steven Jackson's injury sidelining him for at least a few weeks, the Rams are starting rookie Brian Leonard at RB. He's from Rutgers. HE IS WHITE. Yep, the Rams are going all "Ohio High School football" and giving the rock to a white guy. I think the last white starting RB in the league was Nick Goings (may not be true, could be a mulatto as Larry David would say). Brian, you have an entire race on your side. Make us proud. Be an innovator, a pioneer. Bring back the notion that a white guy carrying the ball is a sound decision. You have my support.

***Who The Fuck Wears Ecko Jeans Anyway? - The idiot that overspent for Barry Bonds 756 ball, fashion designer Mark Ecko, let the fans decide what he should do to it. What did the morons in America decide? Brand the sumbitch with an asterisk. Why? Come on, it's a piece of memorabilia, there's no need to ruin it no matter how you feel about Barry. If you do this, why not put a KKK hood on Ty Cobb's uniform or a bottle of penicillin next to Babe Ruth's? The general population of America is mind-numbingly retarded. I blame it on all the inbreeding.

***That Makes You Think/Cringe - I was driving home from our stupid United Way fundraiser last night and turned on the Yankees game to listen to the delightful John Sterling and abysmal Suzyn "Goodness Gracious!" Waldman. They were discussing the Yankees season as a whole. They stated how ironic it is that this team is going to the playoffs eventhough Carl Pavano started Opening Day and, if it wasn't for the general shittiness of Edwar Ramirez and Brian Bruney, Kei Igawa was pitching the clincher. Wow. Pavano and Igawa are a Who's Who of human crap...and they are STILL going to win the World Series.

***Jack Bauer Kills Terrorists While Driving Drunk - Keifer Sutherland hit a milestone this week with his FOURTH DUI. He got busted for an illegal u-turn with .08 BAL...which is pathetic because I think I have .08 right now and I got to work just fine this morning albeit late. I love Jack Bauer (last season's 24 never happened in my mind and I can't wait for CTU moving to Washington DC this season), but when will celebrities fucking learn? Cops want to bust famous people because it makes a statement. Just call a cab or a car service, you asshats.

Alright, I'm out. Got one more post tomorrow (which Cleveland Indians fans won't like) and then I leave for Nashville on Friday morning for a weddin'/my birthday. That's right, this blogger turns 27 on Sunday and thankfully since the Redskins are on a bye, they will not be ruining it for me. Peace in the Middle East!!!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Middle Finger: Rob Bironas/Neil Everett



Yep, your eyes do not deceive you. I'm going with a two pack of hatred this week.

No one wants to hear me bitch about my fantasy teams. It doesn't do anyone any good. But I will say one thing. In the illustrious GFL, I took on my dad this week in a family rivalry the likes of which have never been seen. Last year, pops took me behind the woodshed twice. I have an insanely good team this season and was looking to go 3-0. All I needed was 8 points from Titan kicker, Rob Bironas, last night. It was looking really good...until Bironas shanked a 27 yarder in the 4th quarter which resulted in a tie. A fucking tie. Needless to say, when dad called to talk shit twice between 11:15 and 11:30 last night, my phone was not answered. Fuck you, Rob. 27 yarder. You asshole. 3-0 looks a lot better than 2-0-1.

After the game, I'm watching Sportscenter because I wanted to see if Jeff Fisher had killed Bironas/the Oklahoma State press conference tirade and someone else really grinded my gears. Sportscenter anchor Neil Everett is possibly the biggest douchebag on the planet. I hate him. Using Wikipedia, I've gathered some sound evidence to support my theory that the smarmy Everett sucks. Let's take a look...

*Everett has added Hawaiian surfing sayings to the show's famous repertoire of catchphrases. Us Midwesterners think surfing is sooooo boss.
*"Stop lookin' at my lemonade!" (Used when Lebron James makes a big dunk. A reference to the four Lebrons commercials.) You are not allowed to talk about LeBron anymore, h-mo.
*"Bartender! JACK!!" (When a Baseball player hits a Home run. That's just fucking stupid.
*"He's got reservations for six!" (When a Football player scores a touchdown) Again, another line that no one thinks is clever.
*"Can I dance with your date?!" (After a player gets dunked on, usually preceded by their name, e.g. "Ben Wallace! Can I dance with your date?!, reference to Animal House) I actually kind of like this one and I will give credit where credit is deserved.
*"One man gathers what another man spills." (Frequently used referring to a rebound in a Basketball highlight, lyric from the song "Saint Stephen" by the Grateful Dead) Ugh, Deadheads are the worst. Get a haircut and get a real job.
*"Phi Kai Phi!" (Used to describe dunks- reference to the ritual of Beta Theta Pi Fraternity.) Oh!!!! He's a frat boy. That helps explain his douchebaggery.
*"There is only one manu who can stop Ginobili, and unfortunately for the Atlanta Hawks, Mr T does not play basketball" (Frequently references Mr T when a team or person is unstoppable) Referencing the mid-80's, eh?

Neil Everett, you suck. And I'm pretty sure I could kick your ass. And if I couldn't, I'm sure ESPN resident strongman, Steve Levy, would do it for me.

So between the missed FG and the general shittiness of Sportscenter, Rob Bironas and Neil Everett, enjoy this week's Middle Finger.

Monday, September 24, 2007

The Worst Of Week 3

I'm still fuming. If you know me at all, you know who the #1 worst performance from Week 3 is going to go to. But I digress. I must push on no matter how badly Rex Grossman wants me to salute Hitler. Let's get going...from 10 to 1. From somewhat bad to Skidmark Steve.

10. Derek Anderson - To quote the great Mr. Wolf, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet." The Browns are still the Browns. Three turnovers against the Raiders defense ain't going to cut it. On a more positive note, I'm sure Brady Quinn enjoyed his first visit to San Francisco.

9. Alex Smith - Columbus was blessed with the SF/PIT game as the only 1 o'clocker yesterday. Man, the former #1 sucks. He's terrible. He throws the ball away more than he tries to complete passes. I'm not going to write him off yet because he is talented, but did someone say Trent Dilfer??? No? Yeah, that would be crazy.

8. Jay Cutler - Mediocre play finally caught up to him yesterday...at home...to the Jaguars...who start a QB with no arm (Donovan McNabb thinks I'm being extra tough on David Garrard). Cutler is shaping up to be the next Brett Favre since he thinks he can make every throw. We'll see though. Favre got Wrangler Jeans to come a-knockin'. Real. Comfortable. Jeans. Is Prilosec OTC for heartburn or is it boner medicine???

7. Matt Leinart - Yep, it's young QB Day here at the Shot. Leinart has flat out sucked this season. He's the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. When you get benched TWICE during a game by the ghost of Kurt Warner, you may not have a starting job next week. Check that, you shouldn't have a job next week.

6. The St. Louis Rams - Awful, just awful. How can a team with that much talent be that fucking bad? Their defense gave up 2 touchdowns to Earnest Graham yesterday. That's right, THEE Earnest Graham. Scott Linehan, we hardly knew ye, you will be the first coach fired.

5. Chargers Defense (The Herm Edwards Memorial spot) - Weren't you guys good last year? Did Norv Turner shut down the steroid buffet? Probably not since Norv can't even tie his own shoes but nevertheless, you guys suck. You've given up 35 points (may not be true) in each of the last 2 games. You don't force turnovers. You don't sack shit anymore. And in week one you gave up 3 points to Rex Grossman. Hang your heads in shame.

4. Marvin Lewis - It's almost funny watching the Bingles (tribute to Phil Simms) lose in a worse way each and every week. Marvin Lewis is a moron. OK, they score a TD near the end to go up 21-17. Why would you go for two??? What's the difference in being up 5 or being up 6. In fact, by not getting the 2 pointer, and Seattle going down for a score because your defense swallows AIDS, now a FG only ties the game instead of winning it if you had kicked the extra point. It didn't matter though since you fumbled away your hopes and dreams, Mr. Belding-style, anyway.

3. Lions Defense - One of my favorite units in football...the always hilarious Lions Defense (sans Robert Porcher). The Eagles were dead. Donovan McNabb was starting to sound like a pussy. Andy Reid spends more time with a bail bondsman for his sons than he does with his staff. What's the cure for that ailment? A lot of Lions defense. Absolutely awful.

2. Rex Grossman/Charles Tillman - Lovie, it's time to bring in Griese. Grossman can't play. And that is all I'll say about him. I think a huge problem for the Bears (and it was last year) is the pass defense. T.O. straight up pwn3d Charles Tillman last night. Adam Archuleta couldn't cover Toledo Tom Amstutz. The Lions can beat them next week. I hate to say it, too, but I think the Cowboys are for real. Let's just hope that they are still a terrorist target.

1. Joe Gibbs - Joe, I love you. You've brought so much joy to me and my father over the years, I would like to adopt you as my son even though you're 40 years older than me. You have made the Redskins one of the best organizations in the league during your time in the DC Area. That being said, what an absolutely shitty coaching job yesterday. That fucking sucked. Tom Coughlin thought you sucked yesterday. That final drive where it looked like no one had ever practiced a two minute drill before, was a thing of beauty. No one had any idea what was going on. You let Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning walk out of FedEx with a win. Be ashamed. Be very ashamed. I know I am. Enjoy the bye week. You get two weeks to prepare for Lions Defense.

I still love you, Joe Gibbs, but you need to quit shitting in my mouth. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Although I may consider it if you bring us another Super Bowl.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Humble Pie Tastes Awful

A few things first before I dive into this weekend's gambling advice.

Brewers pitcher Ben Sheets is the biggest pussy in the history of sports. Tear off your labia and grow some fucking balls.

If you aren't watching Kitchen Nightmares (Wednesday 9 pm on FOX), you have no idea what you're missing. One of the best things on TV right now and Gordon Ramsay is totally different than his persona from Hell's Kitchen. This week's first episode with the guy that looked like Biff Tannen and thought he was in the Mob was pure genius.

I know it came out a few weeks ago, but Josh and I finally got around to watching HBO's documentary about wounded soldiers in Iraq, Alive Day Memories. Wow, scary shit there. Makes you feel proud to be an American though, Lee Greenwood-style.

The boss is out today and Monday so do you know what that means??? That means I'll be reading in my cube a lot. What am I currently reading??? The Hardest (Working) Man In Showbiz by Ron Jeremy. Hey, the roommate asked me if I wanted to read it and of course I do. I did see Ron Jeremy at the Vegas airport after all.

Chris "Crack Eyes" Gamble!!!

What a miserable week last week. Ugh. If you took my advice, you deserve your money back. That being said, I am feeling confident again this weekend (even after A&M fist-fucked me last night). Here's 5 college and 4 more pro's and a damn upset. Record: 16-10 (1-2 on upsets)

Bowling Green (-21) vs. Temple - Temple got blown out by Buffalo. Nuff said.
Ohio U (+4) vs. Wyoming - Wyoming is better and will win, but OU keeps it close because Athens is a shitty place and Wyoming won't want to be there.
Penn St. (-3) at Michigan - I'm not buying this shit that Michigan is back. They'll be OK, but the Lions are better now. If you stop Mike Hart, you win by 10+.
Ohio State (-23.5) vs. Northwestern - Wait a minute. You're telling me that I can take a top ten team...at home...give 23.5 points...to a team that just lost to Duke at home??? Enjoy that win.
UPSET SPECIAL!!! Georgia (+3.5) at Alabama - Alabama should've lost at home last Saturday to a team that isn't nearly as good as Georgia. They do this week. The Bulldogs win in Tuscaloosa.

Colts (-6) at Texans - Texans are better, but Andre Johnson's knee hurts everyone
Steelers (-9) vs. 49ers - The 49ers aren't that good, the Steelers are.
Redskins (-3.5) vs. Giants - I normally don't like betting teams that just played on MNF and have a short week to prepare, but the Giants are so damn bad and the only reason the G-Men ever beat the Skins was because of Tiki Barber.
Rams (+3.5) at Bucs - The Bucs still suck. The Rams offense has to get going eventually, right???

Enjoy the weekend and remember to cheer on your Redhawks to beat Colorado!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Ugh, I'll Have The Crab Juice

I don't claim to know anything about racing. I don't want to know anything about racing. Constant left turns do nothing for me. I don't consider driving a sport no matter what the media and the toothless want to tell me.

But I am mildly interested in the whole Dale Earnhardt, Jr saga. Yesterday, it was unveiled that Junior will be driving the 88 car next year (isn't that Dale Jarrett's number?). His sponsors will be Mountain Dew (which is fitting) and The National Guard. The National Guard, eh? Maybe I'm just ignorant, which I'm not, but does The National Guard have an advertising budget? Personally, I'd rather have our troops get better equipment than to see a guy with a 4th grade education have the logo stencilled on his car. But that's just me. I'm only one man. One incredibly awesome man.

I did some digging and found out who the other "players" were that were in the running for Junior's sponsor. Here they are...

***PETA - After the Michael Vick fiasco, PETA is now trying to curb NASCAR fans from eating roadkill.
***ADA - The American Dental Association has been trying for years to educate Southerners on the usefulness of a toothbrush. Watching NASCAR is the #1 cause of Gingivitis.
***The Merchant Marines - They were furious when they found out that The National Guard and their gigantic budget got involved in the bidding war.
***Busch Light - Why not mix the worst beer ever with the worst "sport" ever?
***FUBU - The FUBU ace marketing team felt that Junior could bring NASCAR into the hood. They would have been wrong.
***Levi Strauss - Levi's is unleashing a new line of Jean Shorts, or Jorts, this spring and since there is no place more popular for Jorts than the South, this would have been a perfect marketing tool.
***Old Grand Dad Whiskey - This whiskey should only be sold to the drunkest of drunks AKA the crowd at Bristol. And nothing goes better with Mountain Dew than whiskey (just ask my old college roommate, Downey Flakes).
***Red Man Golden Blend - Is there anything better than watching left turns with a big wad of chaw in your mouth? My father is also a supporter of Red Man (not the rapper).
***Vanessa Hudgens Naked Pic - NASCAR was really pulling for this one to win. They are dying to get the High School Musical fans/young masturbators. It would be great to see her young ass nude on his hood though. I may have even watched if only for a week.
***The FOX NFL Sunday Robot - His dad may have been The Intimidator, but is there anything more scary than this robot? Classic Fox. You gotta love it.


In conclusion, it sucks that Junior sold out to the highest bidder even though there were better fits out there. I'm still not going to watch this shit. Hee haw.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

***Get Your Razzie Ready - What do you get when you take a pro wrestler, make him a former NFL QB for a team that doesn't exist, give him a dog that he talks to, and spice it up with a bastard daughter dropped off on his doorstep??? That's right, Disney's The Game Plan!!! Dear Lord. This has one star written all over it. Please, Dwayne Johnson, just go back to the WWE. We don't need another Doom.

***He Shot JR - Yes, that's right, a DALLAS reference!!! The Cowboys signed Tank Johnson at gunpoint yesterday. Hopefully, Tank and T.O. will both be put down in a blaze of assault rifle gunfire. Congratulations, Jerry Jones, for adding yet one more turd to the already overcrowded Cowboys punch bowl.

***Who Said Steroids Works? - Orioles OF and waste of money, Jay Gibbons, was outed as a steroid/HGH guy last week. Umm, this guy sucks. The O's would rather play Kevin Millar than him. Now can we all admit that steroids doesn't make you a better hitter? And if you argue, I now have my automatic comeback...Jay Gibbons.

***Was Rush Limbaugh right? - Not bloody likely but it helps when Donovan McNabb shoots off at the mouth. Donovan is now playing the race card himself (which always works out well with middle America). McNabb says that there is more pressure on black QB's to succeed in the NFL. Are you kidding??? Ask Peyton about the pressures to win. As a Donovan McNabb fantasy football owner, he just flat out sucks no matter what his skin color is. Shut the fuck up, Donovan, you are an embarrassment to your race and to Chunky Soup.

***I'm Glad That Nightmare Is Over - After last night's abysmal pitching performance from Whtie Trash Verlander and today's likely sweep, the Tigers have been unofficially eliminated from the playoffs. Thank God. They were the worst AL representative in a World Series over the past 2 decades and I'm glad they won't have the chance to do that again. And Tigers fans (I know you read this), don't expect a long stay near the top. When Pudge and Leyland move on in the next year or two, the heart and soul of the franchise will be gone...along with your successes.

***He Isn't Sam Bowie - The Greg Oden story is a bit old now, but since I am a Columbus resident, I should say something. Eventhough I loathe the Buckeyes, I like Greg Oden. He's a manbeast although I would have taken Kevin Durant #1. That being said, I still think Portland made the right decision. He will be fine, just give him time to heal. I don't feel bad for him (you should never feel bad for a millionaire), but I do feel for the Blazer fans. Sorry peeps, your season tickets will now feature a chock full o' Josh McRoberts.

***The Snozberries Taste Like Snozberries - College basketball's favorite shroomer, Josh Heytvelt, looks to be ready to roll for Gonzaga this year. I applaud his effort even if he did have a Titanic level fuck-up. Can you imagine how hilarious it will be when Gonzaga goes on the road??? He's going to catch as much shit as JJ Redick...well maybe not that much. On a somewhat unrelated note, Marco from the old Just Call Me Juice blog has started a new college hoops only site titled, Storming The Floor. Check it out.

That's all. I have my 6 month performance review today so hopefully I have a job tomorrow. Peace.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Middle Finger: OJ Simpson Haters



We've all been there before. Somebody steals something of ours. They hole themselves up in a hotel room. We want the shit back. We round up a group of buddies. We knock down the door brandishing guns demanding our shit back. We get it and head to the airport. We try to make a clean getaway. We get caught. All of a sudden it's OUR fault for wanting to get our stuff back. What's wrong with that??? Is that not the American way? I guess that makes me the asshole.

So that's why I'm giving this week's Middle Finger to all those haters of the Juice.

OJ Simpson. Wow. The definition of just how strange our judicial system truly is and how great this country is. Is there a more notorious man in the country than Juice??? But I ask you, lay off the man.

How would you like it if your wife was murdered??? How would you like it if over a decade later, your in-laws still wanted money from you??? How would you like it if the only two friends you had were Kato Kaehlin and Al Cowlings??? He was stripped of his Hertz endorsements. He has been forced to play golf daily. He writes murder mysteries. OJ Simpson is a Renaissance Man (a real one, not the shitty Danny Devito movie).

OJ was Nordberg for fuck's sake!!! The Naked Gun trilogy is some of the finest comedy known to man and Nordberg owned every scene he was in. He should have won an Oscar! I almost cried at the end of the first movie thinking that he may have died falling off the upper deck in that wheelchair. Frank Drebin should've faced charges for attempted murder!!!

So lay off the big man. The guy has had a tough life full of peaks and valleys. He is a hall of fame football player/father. His wife was murdered and it remains an unsolved mystery (where the fuck has Robert Stack been on this one?). He has no friends that aren't insane. He's a comedic genius. And he just wants his shit back. You've got to realize, if he's rounding up a posse for guerilla warfare, it had to have been some good shit that he wanted back.

Stop piling on, America. OJ Simpson is an American through and through. And that is why the OJ Simpson haters get this week's Middle Finger.

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Worst of Week 2

Oh boy, what a crazy week 2 in the NFL. A week for the underdogs and horrific quarterback play. It looks like we have our sleeper team (Houston) and our disappointing team (Saints). Let's break down the bad without diving into the Herm/Dungy man love...

10. J.P. Losman and myself - Losman can't do anything right and I had an abysmal week against the spread (3-6). Ouch. I may just be the Losman of gambling.

9. Sebastian Janikowski - Somehow the Raiders made it to OT in Denver and the drunk foot of Seabass tanked the game. He totally sucks. Make a fucking kick. They better beat the Browns next week.

8. Travaris Jackson - Throwing FOUR picks against the questionable Lions defense is indefensible. He is bad. Is there anything worse than a Jackson/JT O'Sullivan QB duel??? Why yes there is, a Herm Edwards vs. Norv Turner retard-fest (which will be seen twice this season).

7. Matt Hasselbeck - Bald Bull was driving the team down for the GW FG and inexplicably fumbled the ball while trying to hand off to Alexander (one of the strangest plays I'd seen all day) which the Cardinals recovered. I don't blame Shaun since he's a stalwart on my fantasy team, I blame Mr. Myoplex. QB's are supposed to know the damn play. Dave Kreig wouldn't have fumbled there. Bad example. Cost the Seahawks a victory.

6. Trent Green - Ol' Buke and I were watching this crapfest and laughed every time Green dropped back and we weren't even stoned. You knew something bad was going to happen each and every time. It was great. His arm is so poor that Carl Pavano thinks it sucks. If Browns fans want to see Quinn so bad then Dolphins fans should be demanding John Beck to start next week.

5. Herm Edwards - Another week, another Herm loss. He is a staple on any list of the worst.

4. The entire New Orleans Saints organization - Ouch. Everyone's favorite team looks confused and unmotivated. Did someone say "fluke"? It's looking more and more like that. And Sean Payton, give the ball to Deuce more than 10 times a game. That's inexcusable. The Saints cornerbacks couldn't cover Tyler Everett right now. And even I could cover Tyler Everett right now.

3. Justin McCareins - What a turd. I was bitching a lot about the Jets/Ravens game even being on due to my severe disdain of Brian Billick, but the finish was actually pretty good. Kellen Clemens played well on the road against a great defense and that should be encouraging for Jets fans/idiots. He had the team in a prime position to send it to overtime, threw a beautiful ball to McCareins right on his hands, and...well, he wouldn't be on this list if he caught it. Cut his ass today, Mangina. The 2007 version of Reche Caldwell indeed.

2. Phillip Rivers - Is it possible that he just isn't that good? His decision-making the first two weeks has been Downs Syndrome-bad. Defenses can stack the line on LT because the QB is no threat. Awful. He threw some of the worst passes that I have ever seen over the past two weeks. His throwing motion is awkward. He just isn't a consistent QB. I think you have to rank that QB class as Big Ben #1, Eli, and then Rivers.

1. The Bengals Defense - You heard it here first (I doubt that). The Bengals are not going to the playoffs this year. That defense sucks. 51 points to the Browns? 51 points to Derek Anderson? 200+ yards to the corpse of Jamal Lewis? Are you serious? The Bengals just pulled a Michigan. They got crushed by the Appalachian State of the NFL. You can't defend that. Even if they go 15-1 (which they won't, but if), you can just tell Bengal fan, "you lost to the Browns". That was poor. Marvin Lewis, your job is in jeopardy.

My Skins are on MNF tonight. Beat the Eagles. If I were a smart man, I would say take the Eagles and lay the 7, but I'm not smart. Oh and one more thing, we PWN the Red Sox. It was a nice effort from the Tigers, but the Indians knock you out over the next 3 days.

Friday, September 14, 2007

This Is Getting Too Easy

Hi, I'm The Money Shot. You may remember me from such great gambling advice as "last week's 7-2" and "two weeks ago's 6-2".

That's right, start paying attention, I've started the season going 13-4. I should start my own hotline. (FYI, I am out of the office all afternoon thus need to get some work done so spreads are all you get today)

One more glorious time...THIRTEEN AND FOUR. I've got 5 college and 4 NFL games for ya today.

NCAA-
Michigan (-7.5) vs. ND - Michigan sucks a LOT less than ND does right now
Wake Forest (-20) vs. Army - this is just building off a strategy I employed last year to bet against Army every week no matter the spread or opponent...it never fails
Texas Tech (-28) @ Rice - The Red Raider carnival of fun against the worst pass defense in the galaxy...I'll lay the points.
Minnesota (-7.5) @ Florida Atlantic - I know nothing of FAU but saw the Gophers last week and they can score. This spread seems too strange to me not to take Minny.
UPSET SPECIAL!!! We got killed with Va Tech last weekend, let's try to redeem ourselves.
Central Michigan (+21) @ Purdue - the spread is a lock, and I'm going to call my shot, the Chips win outright.

NFL-
Bengals (-6.5) @ Browns - I would bet this if it was 26.5
Saints (-3) @ Bucs - Big rebound week for Brees and the boys
Cowboys (-3.5) @ Dolphins - They win by 2 scores
Bears (-12) vs Chiefs - KC might be the worst team I've ever seen (Cleveland excluded)

There you go, enjoy. I'm hitting up my first college football game of the year tomorrow afternoon with THE BATTLE FOR THE VICTORY BELL!!! I hate Cincinnati so much. I hope the Redhawks catch some breaks. Big Boot McCullough out.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Scouring the Injury Reports, Hilarity Ensues

Yesterday, the fine people over at Yahoo were busted for bad taste. Everyone knows that Bills TE Kevin Everett had a nasty spinal injury on Sunday. Yet Yahoo had him listed on his player page as "Day-To-Day (spine)". Ouch.

Click on the picture to see for yourself (thanks to Awful Announcing for the screencap)

But we here at The Money Shot would like to take advantage of this blunder. We're going to take it one step further. I've done some sleuthing and found a few other snafus. Here we go...

OUT - Bill Walsh (no pulse)
OUT - Patriot DE Marquise Hill (swimmer's ear)
PROBABLE - Pacman Jones (steel chair to the head)
QUESTIONABLE - Travis Henry (multiple school plays in muliple states)
DAY TO DAY - Bill Belichick (adultery)
OUT - Ricky Williams (went out to buy Funjuns and never came back)
QUESTIONABLE - Tony Dungy (gay son suicide)
PROBABLE - Jack Del Rio (Sunday only sale at Men's Warehouse)
DOUBTFUL - Browns CB Leigh Bodden (airport terrorist)
QUESTIONABLE - Carson Palmer (asked cop if he wanted a weiner)
DAY TO DAY - Ray Lewis (murderer)
DOUBTFUL - Al Davis (hosting a Tales From The Crypt marathon)
OUT - entire Chargers team (refusal to play for Norv Turner)
OUT - entire Chiefs team (refusal to play for Herm "The Idiot" Edwards)
QUESTIONABLE - Terrell Owens (counseling session with Owen Wilson)
DOUBTFUL - Eagles PR Greg Lewis (battery to the head)
PROBABLE - Jared Lorenzen (ribfest)
DAY TO DAY - Brett Favre (penis caught in Wrangler jeans)
QUESTIONABLE - Matt Millen (ramming head into a wall)
OUT - Vikings Defense (Sex Boat II: The Stripper's Revenge)
DAY TO DAY - Drew Brees (Hairy Mole)
PROBABLE - Jeff Garcia (running from Tony Dungy)
QUESTIONABLE - Rae Carruth (jammed trunk)
DOUBTFUL - Matt Leinart (court-ordered weekend with son)
OUT - Torry Holt (contracted HIV from owner, Georgia Frontiere)
PROBABLE - Matt Hasselbeck (overdose on Myoplex - if you have satellite radio, you know what I'm talking about)

There you go, adjust your fantasy rosters accordingly.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

***He's a much better fisherman than he is a QB - The Browns traded their starting QB to Seattle yesterday. Hmmm. No team has ever done this before which is just one more reason that the Browns are the worst organization in sports today. At least Charlie Frye will be able to upgrade from Lake Erie's walleye to the Pacific Northwest's salmon.

***Bill Belichick can now add voyeur to his resume - The Patriots are cheaters. That's hilarious. I'm not quite sure if stealing another team's signs is the same as wrecking marriages, but either way, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan would be proud of Belichick's fondness for cheating.

***Worst rivalry ever - Michigan and Notre Dame lock anal beads this Saturday in what only diehard fans can feign interest in. Seriously, the 2007 version of both these teams makes me want to watch more Herm Edwards-coached squadrons. Although I do think Ryan Mallett will be a breath of fresh air for the Wolverines...Chad Henne has lost the will to live/team's respect.

***When will they ever learn - Pacers forward, Shawne Williams, was busted for marijuana. Welcome to the NBA, this is your rite of passage. Next time, make sure your buddy takes the full wrap for the crime, after all, that's why he rides around with you. This is just another shining example that professional athletes are the dumbest people in the world.

***I hope the contract isn't an English - For some insane reason, the White Sox have given manager Ozzie Guillen a contract extension. WTF? I suppose going from World Series champion to one of the 5 worst teams in the league in less than 2 years does warrant job security. But I do give him some credit. I takes balls to trot out a lineup everyday in which no one is hitting over .270. I need to get a job working for Ken Williams.

***Time to go the way of Old Yeller - I did not see it but the reviews of Britney Spears' VMA performance have been abysmal. Seriously, isn't it time just to go away. Your "career" is over. You have kids that you need to be a poor influence for. When Kevin Federline is considered the better parent, may God have mercy on us all. But I do have to thank you for the teenage boners, those will not be forgotten.

***Detroit: City of Champions, Drive-Bys - Congratulations to the Detroit Shock and Bill Laimbeer for winning the WNBA crown last night (or should I say tiara). The 12 lesbians that support this league have to smiling today. I can't wait to dodge bullets and AIDS for the Shock's championship parade.

Gotta go, Charlie Frye is taking me out on Lake Erie one last time before he goes up to Seattle. Little does he know that the only thing he's going to catch is crabs. Hey-oh!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Middle Finger: Tiki Barber

Honestly, I'm not in a very bitter mood today since my Redskins won on Sunday and all 3 of my fantasy teams got off to a great start with some dominating performances. So I'm sitting in my cube this morning trying to figure out who I can attack this week and all of a sudden it dawns on me. Why not go after a guy who I've always hated who has been shooting off at the mouth way too much recently?

And that's why this week's big Middle Finger is going to Tiki Barber.

Let me start this off by saying that Tiki Barber makes Wayne Brady look like Malcolm X (sorry for stealing your line, Paul Mooney). I have always hated Tiki. Every time the Giants faced the Redskins, he absolutely torched them. So why wouldn't I be happy to see him retired? Because he won't shut up. Because he keeps trying to shovel dirt on top of guys that aren't quitters. Because it is an abomination when a former athlete writes a book slamming everyone he used to play with. Blaming everyone else but himself for the Giants shortcomings. I'm sick of it. It wasn't cool when Jose Canseco did it, and it isn't cool now.

We all know Tom Coughlin sucks. We all know Eli Manning isn't a top-flite QB. We know Michael Strahan is a glory hog (and bad husband). We, in the media (yes, I'm categorizing myself as a media-type) can criticize this because we are stating an opinion. An opinion that differs from yours because it's our job to call people out when they fail to meet expectations. We aren't trying to sell a terrible book. I don't think you realize, Tiki, that there is a difference. You don't sell out people that, pardon the awful metaphor, you went to war with. You just don't.

Here's a quote from Tiki from when he was interviewed by the pride of Ohio University (that's not saying much), Matt Lauer, last week:

"People are looking for something concrete, one simple explanation of why I retired, and I'm not that simple, I'm not that shallow," he said. "It's a confluence of things. The pounding, the opportunity to do other things, the fact that I wasn't having fun doing it anymore.

"He (Coughlin) is part of the reason why I retired from the game," Barber continued. "I have a choice and I lose no matter what. I can say nothing, which is cowardly, I can lie, which is immoral, or I can tell the truth, which will upset people."


No, you don't have to comment. You made it quite clear last year when you put the announcement of your "farewell tour" ahead of the team and became a massive distraction. Why do you have to say anything at all??? Why can't you just sit back and be a terrible analyst? Why do you have to sell out guys that you yourself sold out last season? Oh, that's right, I forgot. You want to sell your inane, asinine memoirs!!!

Give it a rest, you aren't a Giant anymore. No one in that locker room likely considers you to ever have been a Giant after your recent shenanigans. Enjoy hanging out with Matt Lauer, I'm sure you are the envy of everyone.

As the great Silky Johnson said at The Player Hater's Ball, "I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only you."

Tiki, you can take this Middle Finger and deposit into your rectum.

Monday, September 10, 2007

TV Review: Tell Me You Love Me

What am I supposed to think when the second scene in a show's pilot showcases a middle-aged man masturbating in his bed while his wife watches from the bathroom in disgust???

Hoo boy, I have no idea where to start on this one. The fine people over at RocketXL asked me to review HBO's new controversial (to say the least) drama, Tell Me You Love Me. Much like my review format for The Kill Point last month, we'll stick with the 4 P's again.

The Players: TMYLM has a relatively unknown cast. I've scoured IMDB looking at backgrounds and most have had only bit roles in tv shows. The main character is Dr. May Foster (played by the Academy Award nominated old lady to the left, Jane Alexander) who is a sex therapist. It appears that she will be having three new couples to counsel...otherwise this show is going to get waaaaay off track.

The Plot: I'm just going to take this straight from the RocketXL site and interject when necessary...
"TMYLM looks at the connection, or disconnection, between sex and intimacy, as seen through the stories of three couples who attend therapy sessions with Dr. May Foster. Dave and Katie (Dave is the "bed-bater" I discussed earlier), in their 40s, are outwardly happy, but have stopped having sex. Carolyn and Palek (they've been trying for a year now), in their 30s, want to have a baby, but the pressure to get pregnant is taking a toll on them. Jamie and Hugo, in their 20s, are engaged, but trying to resolve issues with fidelity (basically, Hugo doesn't think he can keep himself in his pants for just one woman)."
Sounds OK, right? And it is. Only one episode has aired but I think the plot has been developed well enough that I can somewhat care about each character.

The Problems: Whoa, this is pretty extreme even for my morbid mind. I had a hard time deciphering whether this was a deep, psychological, Thirtysomething-style drama with nudity or the biggest budget porno of all time. I don't mind nudity, I can handle it...a lot of it actually (I AM a blogger). But I would GLADLY trade some of the female skin in to take away the male flesh. Let me explain. In the first episode, we had the 40 year old man beating off (thank God there were covers over him), the 30 year olds having graphic sex while they are hosting a dinner party with their parents there and then later the wife jerking him off on the couch, WHICH WAS SHOWN, and her analyzing the semen that was on her hand, and then the 20 somethings having a ton of sex highlighted by a ten second scene of the guy's balls slamming into her thighs.

Whew. The nudity and strong sexual content seem very forced to me. Like it was unnecessary but added in to create a buzz (and this show is getting a TON of it right now). But that pales in comparison to the biggest issue I have with the show. Do you see the nice older couple that is pictured, now imagine her (the sex therapist) and him (the winner of a Hubie Brown look-alike contest) making out at the beginning of the hour. And follow that up with an end of the episode BJ!!! Yeah, that's right, this Oscar nominated actress blew Hubie Brown at the end of the show. Ugh, I'm still queasy and I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my head. As I explained to Josh last night, I'm OK with them still being in love and even getting it on, BUT I DO NOT NEED TO SEE IT.

I'm just going to come out and say it, I never wanted to see Hubie Brown's O-face and, unfortunately, now I know. My question is, how does that advance the plot? The story is about couples facing marital/sexual issues, not about geriatric money shots (get it, money shot).

The Prognosis: 18 hours after watching it, I still have no idea what to think. It was just too strange and, obviously, unlike ANYTHING I have ever seen on TV. The only way TV could shock me anymore now is if Jack Bauer goes to Mecca next season, wipes his ass with the Koran, and then spends the entire 24 hours sodomizing little Muslim boy.
But, I'm going to stick with it because I'm interested to see where they go from here, but I'm not sure I'd recommend it to anyone with a weak stomach. How they get away with balls, shaft, and man-juice on HBO is something I would like to know. Good Lord, I don't know if our big screen will ever be the same.

Rating Tell Me You Love Me: I give it a 5.5 out of 10. There is some upside there but they are walking a very thin line as far as tastelessness. Like I said, I'll stick around, but I don't know if you should bother.

Tell Me You Love Me airs Sunday nights at 9 on HBO.

The NFL's Glass Sorters From Week 1



Since the greatest league in the history of the world (besides the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) is back and better than ever, we here at The Money Shot will take time out every Monday morning to break down only the bad from Sunday. We're like the reverse Peter King. And if you're an idiot and don't get it (see Norv Turner), a glass sorter is retarded as seen on the video.

***I watched the highly entertatining Cowboys/Giants game last night and was shocked at what I did not see. With Wade Phillips and Tom Coughlin drooling on the sidelines, you would think that there would have been more chaos and ridiculous occurences. Must've been all about the players because those two coaches flat out suck. Wade Phillips looks like he won a contest on Elvis and Big Rudy's Rockin' Great Mornin' Radio Show to coach the team for a day. And Tom Coughlin is Tom Coughlin...you know, the same guy who named Michael Strahan captain after he held out on the team until a week ago. You are wise, Tom. Tell me that these two don't look similar (yes, that is the great Fievel).




***Enough of that, how hilarious is it to watch Norv Turner on a sideline again making all the big decisions??? I miss him so much.

***You can't talk about retards without talking about Herm Edwards. Seriously, he's the worst coach in the league...even in a league with Phillips, Coughlin, and Norv.

***The Eagles looked TERRIBLE yesterday. My Skins can steal one in their shitty home next Monday if they play the same way they did yesterday. How can you start your season without anyone who has returned punts before??? Andy Reid may need to smoke some of his son's drugs to get over that crushing loss.

***For all the people that said they didn't like the Patriots because everyone else did...get on board now. That team is going to CRUSH a lot of teams this year. I said it last week and I'll say it again, the Jets are a 6 win team.

***Is it officially safe to say now that the Raiders drafting The Drunk Pollock in the first round was a bust? He cost them a win yesterday with 3 missed field goals and he has to be up there with Chris Henry in arrests.

***The Browns are easily the worst team in the league. It's not even close. Put King Fag in there whenever you want, he's not going to do any better. It's time to fire Romeo, Phil Savage, Danny Ferry, every one of the 127 Cleveland residents who still have a job. Clean out the outhouse.

***Are the Jaguars the most boring organization in sports??? Just think about it, no need to answer. They offer nothing.

***Honorable Mention!!! OK, Michigan fans, NOW it's time to can Lloyd Carr's ass. Who cares if you want him to be an administrator after the season or that he does a lot of charity work, you're 0-2!!! Michigan football is about winning games not making a retarded boy smile, for chrissake. You guys are an embarrassment and for some reason your version of Tom Coughlin is still employed. Explain that one.

As long as my boss's desk calendar is correct when it says "2:00 dentist appointment" today, I'll be back this afternoon to review HBO's, Tell Me You Love Me.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Saturday Hogwash

Since I'm stuck at work for the next two hours before I can get my drink on while the Redhawks disembowel the Gophers, let's get a blog in.

One of my favorite things to check is my statcounter. It may look simple, but if you've been to this site before, that little box can pretty much GPS your ass. The internets is a beautiful thing. Anyway, it tells me how many people come here a day, what site they went to to bring them here, and what terms are searched for that bring them to my blog (as well as a ton of other things). And the latter is the one that interests me the most. I told you a few months ago that someone got here by googling "trucker rimjob". Let's see what people are searching for recently...

>"pat summit gay" - well, I did do an entire blog about that topic and she is a bull-dyke
>"big money big cars who the fuck you think you are" - this is the motto of my life, in fact, it's how I'm going to greet people at Hineygate this afternoon
>"female sportscasters naked" - atta boy, this phrase always pops up
>"jordan vanausdale" - former Napoleon HS quarterbacking great!!! Sure does understand the philosophy of "Intensity Wins"
>"youtube guys humping cushion" - note to self, never try to find this video
>"ted wass blossom" - YES!!! I love Ted Wass!!!
>"steve phillips is an idiot" - You have NO idea how many times during a day this term is searched, it's uncanny!!!

One more thing, when you get a chance, and I'm talking to you horny guys out there, Scrap has designed a new blog that I think you'll like...I know I do. Hot Celebrity Asses. It's not safe for work but at the same time, it's not unsafe for work...if that makes sense.

Have a good weekend, see you Monday. GO REDSKINS!!!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Redhawk Hoops Schedule/Gambling Tips

Hey, it may be the start of football season, but don't forget, college basketball tips off in less than 3 months!!! My alma mater, coming off an amazing run as MAC champs, has released their schedule and dear lord, I'm nervous. Let's take a closer look...I promise, if you get through this, you get safe bets for the weekend at the end.

MIAMI UNIVERSITY MEN'S BASKETBALL 2007-08 SCHEDULE

NOVEMBER

22-25 at Anaheim Classic (Anaheim, CA)
22 vs. South Alabama - shouldn't be too tough
23 vs. USC/San Diego - Oh God, could face OJ Mayo in his second game!!!
25 vs. TBA (Other Participating Teams: Mississippi State, Southern Illinois, UC-Irvine, Tulane) - Southern Illinois would be some nice RPI after we deep throat OJ
28 DAYTON - I can't remember the last time we've even played DECENT against these Catholics...it changes this year

DECEMBER

1 at Louisville - Oh, sweet Jesus...this one could be ugly. Jorge Sosa is the real deal, we could lose this game by 40
4 INDIANA STATE - always tough playing a team from The Valley
15 at Wright State - NCAA tourney team, no DeShaun Wood means we should win
18 CHICAGO STATE - putting this one in the W column
20 at Illinois - we owe these fucks from last year after we lead the entire game and they snuck out a win over Thanksgiving...another tourney team
22 at Kansas - May God have mercy on our souls...if The 'Ville beats us by 40, Kansas beats us by 55
29 vs. Cincinnati (at US Bank Arena) - this is the year that we FINALLY beat the Gay Bearcats...I will get shit started next Saturday at the UC/Miami football game (UC looked damn fucking good last night)

JANUARY

5 at Akron
12 at Ohio
--I only include our first two MAC games because we start the conference season with our two biggest division competitors on the road. Fuck Belford!!!

What did we learn here??? Charlie Coles doesn't dodge anyone!!! I would love to get through this stretch undefeated (we should be very good this year), but I will settle for a .500 record through this treacherous run. Charlie could be arrested for child abuse with this cruel form of brutality.

I CALL HIM GAMBLOR!!!

--I went 5-2 last week (+1 more win from last night) on my picks including nailing both of my upset specials. I've got 5 NCAA and 4 NFL'ers for you today.


**Rutgers -15.5 vs. Navy - Navy couldn't even blow out Temple last week, they ain't hanging with Ray Rice
**My Redhawks +8.5 @ Minnesota - The initial spread was Minn +11, so you can see how much bettors are digging my Redhawks...I'm not picking a straight up win, but they'll hang close
**Ball St. -4.5 @ EMU - EMU sucks, even though you know nothing of these two teams, take BSU and buy me a beer tomorrow night
**Penn St. -17.5 vs. ND - ND sucks, Charlie Weis swallows.
**UPSET SPECIAL!!! Va Tech (+11) wins at LSU...STRAIGHT UP. The Hokies embarrassed themselves last weekend because they were looking ahead to this game. They win. Fake Neck Beamer is ecstatic.

NFL
Steelers -4.5 @ Cleveland - The Browns have made people a ton of money over the past 5 years, no reason to stop now.
Cowboys -6 vs. Giants - The Cowboys win this by 17.
Lions +2 @ Oakland - Only game this week where I like the underdog
Eagles -3 @ Packers - If you don't think McNabb is throwing 4 td's this week, you're crazy.

See you tomorrow.

The Hump Day Hump

As I mentioned yesterday, today is my Hump Day since I'm working Saturday morning, so let's get another fine bullet-pointed edition of The Hump going here. Contrary to the picture, Lionel Hutz does not object.

***Kicking off with a BANG - The NFL gets started tonight, thank God, with the Saints at the Colts. What an amazing opener. Points should be a plenty (you all need to root for Marvin Harrison to have a big game), but I do like the Colts with the points. Both defenses suck.

***Reenacting Hiroshima - A-Rod dropped two A-Bombs on Ichiro and Kenji Johjima last night (3 for the series), bringing his season total to 48. Baseball Jesus has the MVP wrapped up and with a possible sweep in KC this weekend, the wild card could be over on Sunday. I'm that confident. Now if we can just will the Indians ahead of the Angels, the World Series will be in our grasp. That's right, I said it. The Indians are not a threat.

***Jay Sherman still thinks "It Stinks!" - Andy Roddick lost (again) to Captain Boring, Roger Federer last night. This is getting old. It is refreshing to see that Roger hasn't lost any of his skills by rubbing Tiger Woods's face though. Roddick sucks, I don't care what my sister tries to tell you. I could beat his ass, he would have no answer to my "rocket serve".

***There's no crying in baseball...or pointing to your head - I've said it before and I'll say it again, Fuck Carlos Zambrano. He's an immature baby who hasn't earned "ace money" yet. That's some nerve he has to bitch and moan about the Cubs fans booing a guy who just signed a 90+ million extension who hasn't won a game since July. Fuck you, Carlos, all they want is for you to pitch like you can, not pitch like Matt Morris. Idiot.

***Danny Ferry close to signing two bad knees - Dear God, I hope this isn't true as Allan Houston is looking to make an awful comeback and my Cavs are one of the teams interested. This has "15 game season before he needs his legs amputated" written all over it.

***It's much better than Love Lines - If you have time, I recommend listening to Bill Simmons' podcast with Adam Corolla (which is available on ESPN's front page). Corolla is the best and his movie ideas titled Rings of Honor and Snapper (about an NFL long snapper named Rush Blitzer!) are priceless.

***TV Season begins soon - Alright, all the summer crap is winding down in all it's awful glory (I'm looking at you, The Singing Bee). There looks to be some good stuff this season. After I popped my cherry writing a review for The Kill Point, rocketXL has asked me to review HBO's upcoming show about fucking couples, Tell Me You Love Me. I'm looking forward to it.

I'll be back tomorrow with some gambling advice. There's the truth and there's the truth!!! Thanks, Lionel, you are wise indeed.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The Middle Finger: Bill Martin

We're backing off The Hump Day Hump until tomorrow (since I work Saturday) and diving straight into another Middle Finger. This week's victim is none other than Michigan Athletic Director, Bill Martin.

I'm not a Michigan fan. I don't like the school, their teams, or their alumni (except Kuehn's parents, good people). That being said, I do root for them when they play the annual football contest vs. Ohio State. Not because I want to, but just because my hatred of Ohio State runs that deep...you know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

I found last week's deep throating by Appalachian State hilarious. It put a lot of people in their place. But Bill Martin, shame on you.

Your football program is in disarray. Your dreams of winning a national title this year are over. You are no longer in the top 25 after 1 game. You have the perfect chance to make things right with the UM alumni by firing Lloyd Carr...yet you do nothing.

If I was the AD, Lloyd would've been fired Sunday morning. No questions asked and no one could argue it. The man embarrassed the proud program immensely by not getting his players up for the first game and now UM, and the Big Ten, is a god damn joke. It really is that simple. You fire Carr and send a message to the players, alumni, and the rest of the country that this shit will not be tolerated. But you do nothing but masturbate to pictures of little boys.

Your program is a joke now. The coach that no one really wants around anymore just lost to a D-2 school at home and you let him keep his job. Why??? Set the tone and can his ass. He hasn't earned the right to keep his position. Aren't you tired of going 8-4, losing to Ohio State every year, and playing in meaningless bowl games??? Your fans and alumni are. YOU'RE GOD DAMN MICHIGAN, YOU SHOULD BE PLAYING FOR A TITLE EVERY YEAR.

Bill Martin, you missed the boat on this one. By keeping Lloyd Carr in charge, you've decided that being a nice guy and a good friend is more important than correcting the problems within your football program. Things aren't going to change with Lloyd at the helm, you will continue to be mediocre. Michigan will, once again, lose to the Buckeyes and I will have to watch all these idiots down here flip over cars and start fires. Fuck you, Bill, don't you know how much I hate that!

You fucked this one up just as bad as Lloyd fucked up last Saturday. So, Bill Martin, enjoy this week's Middle Finger.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

2007 Cash Money NFL Preview

Today, we're going to see if I can improve on my wacky Super Bowl prediction of the Redskins and Ravens last year. The season starts Thursday night with the Colts and Saints which will also feature the entire country seeing first hand how bad Tiki Barber is as a talking head.

Let's just go through the divisions and whatnot...

AFC EAST
1. Patriots - Way too much talent for the shitty teams in this league, although I'm not as high on them as I was a month ago.
2. Bills - I'm starting to believe that JP Losman can possibly play in the league...and that scares me a little.
3. Jets - Welcome back to mediocrity, you weren't good last year and you'll prove it this year with a wonderful 6-10 season.
4. Dolphins - Possibly the worst team in football; they're aging rapidly on defense, have a rag arm at QB, drafted terribly, and hired a coach that was fired by INDIANA...they have no direction and no chance.

AFC NORTH
1. Steelers - I'm starting to like Mike Tomlin more and more every day, he's got the defense playing pissed off again and the offense has some good weapons for Big Ben to work with...welcome back to the playoffs
2. Bengals - Better get your shit together, Marvin Lewis, you've had enough time to win a playoff game. 2nd year after knee surgery for Carson Palmer, expect big things...and he'll need to because that defense ain't stopping anybody.
3. Ravens - I do not like this squadron at all and can't figure out why all the pundits are so high on them. Steve McNair sucks, Jonathon Ogden doesn't even want to play anymore, Brian Billick is to Super Bowl winning coaches as Shaun Micheel and Rich Beem are to golfs major champions, and the defense keeps getting older and thinner with depth. I just don't see it.
4. Browns - Give them another year or two (without Romeo Crennel running them into the ground), and they may get up to 3rd place in the division...but I am worried because now that Grady Sizemore and Brady Quinn play in the same town, there will be a mass influx of gay men overtaking C-Town.

AFC SOUTH
1. Colts - This is about a no-brainer. Every team in the South has gotten worse this offseason, so why not pick the best offense?
2. Titans - I think the Madden curse ends this year, Vince Young is too good. How they stop teams is another story, the running back situation is crappy at best.
3. Jaguars - Hey Jack Del Rio, David Garrard is not better than Leftwich. Eventhough I dig it when you wear the suit on the sideline, you're a 7-9 team at best.
4. Texans - Ironically, the Texans are getting slowly better. Matt Schaub will be fine when he's upright and the defense is getting younger and faster. They're a year away from challenging the Jags and Titans in the division for #2.

AFC WEST
1. Chargers - Can Norv Turner fuck this team up? My guess is yes but not enough to lose this division
2. Broncos - I see the Broncos getting one win for every bastard that Travis Henry has fathered...9.
3. Raiders - The Raiders are one of my surprise teams this year. I'm not saying they'll make the playoffs, but with that defense, they can win 6-7 games.
4. Chiefs - Combine the worst coach in the history of the NFL with the worst QB and the worst defense and you get a 4 win season. Herm Edwards should be selling Khlau Kalesh and crab juice in NYC.

AFC Wild Card Teams: Cincinnati and Denver

NFC EAST
1. Redskins - ***Homer pick alert*** The Skins need to catch a few breaks to win the division but I truly believe that Jason Campbell is the real deal and the defense has been fast and suffocating in the preseason.
2. Eagles - Andy Reid not making the playoffs would be like one of his sons not getting arrested weekly...it just doesn't happen.
3. Cowboys - Tony Romo is a great big phony. Wade Phillips and Herm Edwards should be wearing a helmet and water wings at all times.
4. Giants - A complete disaster. Our military is currently using Tom Coughlin's strategies and Eli Manning's quarterback play to make nuclear weapons.

NFC NORTH
1. Bears - I've went back and forth on this because I absolutely hate the Bears chances this year. Too many distractions (Briggs and Tank) and the Sex Cannon at QB...but it's still good enough to win this garbage.
2. Packers - Pretty good young defense won't make up for all those Favre INT's.
3. Lions - Good offense won't be able to make up for terrible defense.
4. Vikings - Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? You have a very good defense, a great offensive line, very good RB's, and God awful QB's and WR's. Enjoy the sex boat.

NFC SOUTH
1. Saints - I'm not as high on them this year. Colston will not be as productive and that patchwork defense will be exposed. But no one else in this division is worth a shit.
2. Falcons - BOLD PREDICTION: Joey Harrington is going to be a good fit in Atlanta. Just not enough to get into the playoffs, think 7-8 wins.
3. Panthers - Jake Delhomme, we hardly knew ye. He sucks and so does this team. The football Gods are still pissed at them for their uncanny ability to not cover any spread last season.
4. Buccaneers - Their QB's are a gay man, a point shaver from Toledo, and Phil Simms' son...Gruden will be unemployed by Thanksgiving.

NFC WEST
1. Seahawks - Expect a big season from fancy-boy, Shaun Alexander. I pick the Seahawks only because they have the loudest stadium.
2. 49ers - If Norv was still calling plays, I'd pick them #1. The defense should be a lot better with the additions of Nate Clements and Patrick Willis.
3. Cardinals - Give Whisenhunt one more year to get the defense better, I'm not buying the "Edge is back" hype.
4. Rams - The Rams aren't saying shit about Torry Holt's knee problem for a reason...it's not good. Stephen Jackson will be great, but I think they lose more shootouts than they win.

NFC Wild Card Teams: Philadelphia and San Francisco

Super Bowl: Redskins over Patriots (heart) or Patriots over Saints (head).
MVP: Tom Brady
Coach of the Year: Mike Tomlin
Off. Rookie of the Year: Either Henry Rowengardner or Marshawn Lynch
Def. Rookie of the Year: LaRon Landry

Monday, September 03, 2007

Happy Labor Day

HAPPY LABOR DAY, ALL!!! After this incredibly strange weekend where a DII school won at The Big House, I drank over a case of beer by 8 o'clock on Saturday, I was up until 3:30 last night cleaning up the remains of our sliding glass door which was destroyed Saturday night by a drunken roommate who will remain nameless; I leave you with some chick in labor!!!

I'll be back tomorrow with...wait for it...MY NFL PREVIEW!!!