Monday, February 26, 2007

Oscar Analysis...G$ STYLE!!!


For the first time in my life, I actually watched all of the Oscars last night. Not because I wanted to or was intrigued by the nominees for best adapted screenplay, no, pretty much because I wanted to see The Departed and Forrest Whitaker win. BOO-YAH!!! Thanks, Academy.
Here are some notes:
--I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I though Ellen was funny.
--Randy Newman, that's right THE Randy Newman, got hosed in the best song category.
--Apparently Jack Nicholson's next role is to play Uncle Fester.
--I could watch clips of Don Knotts making goofy faces all day.
--Cate Blanchett and Kate Winselt are nominated EVERY year...there should be an anti-trust investigation regarding this monopoly.
--Jennifer Hudson will be nothing more than an ugly footnote in the landscape of cinema.
--Way to go, Alan Arkin!!! Now when I watch The Jerky Boys movie, I can say, "Academy Award winner, Alan Arkin is in it."
--Someone get Phillip Seymour Hoffman a comb, please.
--Kind of weird that the biggest star of the night was Al Gore. Yep, that guy. They guy that invented the internet was THEE star.
--I don't care how old she is, Helen Mirren is hot. Nuff said.
--The silhouette people that made the movie logos were interesting to say the least. FYI, they scared Josh.
--Reese Witherspoon looks like she went on the Nicole Richie/Olsen Twins diet of binging and purging. The initial thing that made her hot was that she was natural and offered a slight bit of cushion...but she is dangerously close to being sickly-lookin'.
--If I was a black guy and was important enough to have a movie made about my life, I want Forrest Whitaker to play me. The guy is one of the best actors ever...can anyone do drama better than him???
--Supporting actor front-runner, Eddie Murphy, got what he deserved. That being, you don't deserve to win when you make movies like Daddy Daycare, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, and Norbit the Buttfucker.
--Helen Mirren is gorgeous, had to say that again.
--The song with Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and Ben Wallace Ferrell was hilarious. And yes, it was clever for Reilly to say that he was in Boogie and Talladega Nights.
--Scorsese seems like a really nice guy and I was happy for him to win. It's always good to see these people get overwhelmed when they finally reach the pinnacle of their profession.
--Jackie Earle Haley is creepy...but it was nice of him to take a night off from shoving the trophy up the Yankees' ass. I need to watch Bad News Bears again.
--What's the deal with guys wearing scarves around their tuxedos??? In my best Chandler Bing impression, could they BE anymore queer?
--Good to see Meryl Streep wear a grandmother's pant-suit to the Oscars...who let her leave the house like that?
--I'm down with the random Larry David sighting in the audience.
--I'm completely fine with The Departed winning best picture...great movie, but I do want to see Little Miss Sunshine despite my rule of "don't watch any movie with Greg Kinnear." That rule was established after I realized As Good As It Gets was one of the worst movies I've ever seen.
I think that does it for my review. While the show is long as fuck, the pay-off at the end was worth the time spent watching it.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Airing of Grievances



This Airing of Grievances is defintitely "Boner-approved".

1. Britney Spears - Ugh. I don't want to beat a dead horse here, especially since she is acting like someone has already beaten her with the aforementioned dead horse, but enough is enough. I already posted a few months ago about her being crazy, but who knew that Kevin Federline was the reason that she had not go completely insane??? Now there's all this stuff coming out about her firing nannies that her kids like more than her, two one day stays in rehab, and the whole "shaved head" saga. I guess the only good thing about all this shit is that we the public are about a month away from the release of some hardcore porn with her and Carrot Top banging away inside a port-o-john at a construction site.

2. Anna Nicole Smith's Sperm Donor - NO ONE GIVES A FUCK.

3. The whole A-Rod/Jeter thing - So what? They aren't friends like they used to be. They still play at a top level. It does not effect either's play. Growing up, I was friends with a kid named Tony Bataska (remember him?) but he moved to Chicago or someplace in elementary school and I haven't seen or spoken to him since. It isn't that big of a deal, people grow up and people move on. I'm over it. Jeter and A-Rod are over their falling out. Who cares. The Yankees are still going to win the World Series this year (and the next 20 years).

4. Studio 60 - I am so happy that this show got cancelled. I invested a lot of time into this show that quickly turned from chicken salad into chicken shit. Sarah Paulson is the worst actress ever. She absolutely killed that show. And if Aaron Sorkin didn't try to stuff her down our throats week after week and focused more on Timothy Busfield, the show would be flourishing. The episode where Busfield had a snake, ferret, and coyote get stuck in the studio vent was some funny shit. Good riddance to bad TV. Week after week, it killed my post-24 buzz.

5. Chloe O'Brian - Mary Lynn Rajskub is a close #2 as far as worst actresses ever. Oh man, what a turd. She makes me roll my eyes during 24 at least twice an episode. Take last week for example. She tells her husband that his brother is in the hospital EVENTHOUGH she is told not to by her superiors because it will effect his work and CTU needed him to track the nukes. She doesn't care though, she has her own agenda. What makes this more odd is that she kept it to herself a few seasons ago when Jack's daughter and wife were kidnapped because she wanted Jack to think clearly and focus on the task at hand. And this week, Morris has obviously been drinking yet when her boss asks her about smelling it on his breath, she says "he didn't ingest it". I'm sure that works all the time. Officer, I know I'm covered in Jagermiester, Schlitz, and vomit, but I didn't ingest it. It should work every time. Chloe is the worst employee ever. She has been working at CTU since the show and still has not been promoted. She might be worse than me as an employee depending on whether or not she steals a bunch of stuff on her last day like this blog has a tendency of doing.

My rule, if it's your last day before getting transferred/taking another position/changing jobs; if it's not bolted down, it's free game. I didn't need that CD/alarm clock, box of C batteries, or mini-fan, but I'll damn sure take it.

Alright, I'm out. Heading back to Naptown this weekend for Mom's 50th birthday. Happy birthday Mom eventhough I hope to God you don't read this blog.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Jack's In The Cradle


I stole this from Blogs4Bauer.com, it's hilarious. This is also my 100th blog...hell yeah.

as performed by Philip Bauer with apologies to Harry Chapin

My child arrived just the other day,
Jack came to the world in the usual way.
But there were planes to bomb, and nukes astray.
He shot smack while I was away.
And he repressed his emotions, and as he grew,
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad.
Damn it! I'm gonna be like you."

And the warp-drive engine and the talking pig (Edgar),
Stretch Cunningham (Chase?) and a Russian MiG
"When you coming home, dad?"
"I don't know when, But we'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

Jack joined the Army, just to get away
So much like a man I just had to say,
"Jack, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a snarl,"
I don't have time for this, can I borrow the man-purse.
See you later. Can I have that ... Now!"

And the Sentox gas and the talking pig,
That bitch Nina Meyers, and an oil rig.
"When you coming home, son?"
"Damn it, my name's Frank Flynn
And we won't get together again."

I've long since retired and my son's moved away.
He returned from China just the other day.
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind.
He said, "I'd love to, dad, but I don't have time for this.

Terrorists nukes are a hassle,
and the Russians are bad,
And it all leads back to you, dad.
The Russian nukes lead back to you."

And as I blew up the house, it occurred to me,
He'd grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.

And the warp-drive engine and the talking pig,
The penis-nosed chick(Audrey) and the Chinese Brig.
"When you coming home, son?"
"I don't know when,But, when I'm finished with you,
You're gonna wish that you felt this good again.
You're gonna wish that you felt this good again."

Penis nosed chick...PRICELESS!!!

Monday, February 19, 2007

NASCAR Racin'


Auto racing. I just don't get it. It's not something that transcends to me. It isn't fun to watch. The cars do the work. 99% of the fans consider a 6 pack of Busch Light as breakfast. To kill the boredom of the constant left turns, people pray for accidents!!! I'm told that "if you pick a driver to follow, you'll be a fan". Let's analyze this the way only G$ can.
1. It isn't fun to watch - it's the same exact thing for 4 straight hours, nothing new happens...unless you like watching cars pit to get gas and tires or have any idea what it means to be "slingshot" into the lead.
2. The cars do the work - I argued in a college class of mine that racing is not a sport due to this. I'm sure it's hard to drive fast and not wreck and stuff like that; but to me, sports require athleticism and skill, the skill is there for these guys but there is nothing athletic about sitting on your ass and shifting gears. I have a hard time believing that there is much difference between drivers; don't tell me that Tony Stewart is way more talented than Kyle Petty (Swihart's Boy and Richard Petty's son). It's all about the cars, baby.
3. 99% of the fans consider a 6er of Busch Light as breakfast - Now I understand that it isn't fair to consider all NASCAR fans as hilljacks. But at the same time, every story I hear about going to a race (Glick @ MIS, Rune @ Bristol, Stube Craig @ Daytona) is about how drunk they were for that weekend. It never fails. And another thing, it's BECAUSE of racing fans that the cut-off t-shirt business is still going strong. How about one more thing, NASCAR merchandise is so ungodly ugly (see Jeff Gordon's rainbow-wear). And I'm proud to admit that whenever I see someone with a mullet/pony tail/more than 5 tattoos, I immediately say to whoever is standing next to me, "guarantee he's a NASCAR fan". Let's switch sports, if I see a black guy I don't say, "guarantee he's an NBA fan". I apparently think it's easy to stereotype rubes and I'm fine with that.
4. People pray for accidents - See this I find weird. I've been in about 200 accidents over the course of my 8 years of driving and if I found out that someone was watching me drive and cheering when I flipped my car, I'd find them and kill them in front of their families. How horrible of a person do you have to be to want to see a car accident??? If the only reason you watch this stuff is for the wrecks, you need to turn the tv off and go to church because you could use some forgiveness. I'm talking to you, Swi-Daddy.
5. If you pick a driver, you'll be a fan - No I won't, but thanks anyway, Craig. I tend to feign interest in the events by rooting for guy's that everyone hates just to be a dick. I like to say I'm a big Jeff Gordon or Jimmie Johnson fan just to watch people get mad. It's great. I know nothing about racing but if you tell someone that you cheer for Jeff Gordon, they'll hate you. It's amazing how well it works.
"You may find this hard to believe, but I don't know as much about NASCAR as I lead on"--Buke, yesterday...he drew Harvick out of a hat to win his work Daytona pool and immediately thinks he's a racing aficianado. And I wish I could go a week without him talking about how he and Sam Hornish, Jr. are distant cousins.
Oh well, I promise this is the last time I will talk about NASCAR on this amazingly wonderful blog. It's hard to imagine that someone as sick as myself can go from Erin Andrews' lusciousness to Cletus the slack-jawed yokel...never again. I'm cutting off the mullet and getting back to the stuff that really matters later this week.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Bangin' Female Sportscasters




I've come to the realization that I have been neglecting hot broads on this blog for awhile. To quote the late, great Owen Hart: "Enough is enough, and it's time for a change!"

Meet ESPN sideline/courtside reporter Erin Andrews. Good Lord. If you watch ANY college football or basketball game, she is on the telecast. She's everywhere and she's absolutely gorgeous. The former University of Florida Dance Team member has always puzzled me as they never show any body shots of her on camera. So Ol' GMoney did some investigative work and found these two doozies of her online (sweet ass by the way) and love her even more now. During my search for ass shots of Erin, I also stumbled on to this guys blog where he ranks the "nail-ability" of female sportscasters. It's absolutely hilarious and I will link them with my rankings after I quit talking about Erin.

The only bad things I can think of for Erin is that since she went to Florida from 1997-2000, that means she probably did Danny Wuerrful. I mean he did win the Heisman but that still doesn't make it right. Also, her and Herbstreit travel to the ESPN Thursday night games together so I'm pretty sure Kirk has hammered that deliciousness before, too. Nevertheless, I still rank her #1 on my list of "Female Sportscasters That Should Hook It Up With Money."

Like I said, I'm going to link this guy's blog and I seriously suggest reading it just for the simple reason that he tries to rationalize the do-ability of LINDA COHN. It's great.

My list (disclaimer: this ranking does not necessarily mean my top 10 sportscasters, just the top 10 that this guy has already analyzed): 1. Erin Andrews - 'nuff said

2. Melissa Stark - man, does MNF miss her or what?

3. Pam Oliver - she deserves better than having to work with Joe Buck. By the way, check out the YouTube video in this link and look at the black guy's face at the end...it's priceless

4. Sam Ryan - enough with CBS, the sports world needs you back

5. Rachel Nichols - starting to get all the big stories on Sportscenter, really hot although she never blinks

6. Suzy Kolber - if she's good enough for Joe Namath, she's good enough for this blog plus Drew (of the never updated Drew's Blog) has heard that she's down with women...GREAT news!!!

7. Bonnie Bernstein - older, but still good looking

8. Michelle Bonner - Sportscenter anchor, the link suggests she should be called "Michelle Boner"...priceless

9. Michelle Tafoya - Monday Night Football MILF

10. Kit Hoover - by default she has to be #10, seriously, look at the others I left off

Not making the cut: Lisa Salters, Linda Cohn, Jeanne Zelasko, Heather Cox, and Andrea Kremer

Those who would make my list but do not have profiles done by this genius: Stacy Dales (top 5), Jillian Barberie (Top 10), Colleen Dominguez, Leann Tweeden, Dana Jacobsen, Hannah Storm, Lisa Guerrero, Jill Arrington, and Summer Sanders (Top 10).

Others: Pam Ward, Shelly Smith, Holly Rowe, Chris McKendry, Robin "Brown Bag" Roberts, and Jackie MacMullen.

How awful would it be to read about the do-able qualities of "The Manbeast" Pam Ward, Arthur Ashe look-alike Robin Roberts, or Massive Dyke Jackie MacMullen.

Either way, this has been a great blog entry.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Good, The Bad, and The Hopeful

The Good:
--My Redhawks are back above .500 again where they belong and are playing great. They are the only team in the country that has yet to give up 70 points in a game all season which is very impressive. If F Tim Pollitz (left) isn't the MAC player of the year this season (18.9 ppg despite being a 6'5" power forward WITH RED HAIR) than this league is fixed. Watching them pound Ball St. Saturday was like having a time machine and seeing Kentucky vs. Texas Western (Miami only has one black guy that plays consistently and Ball St. doesn't have one white guy on their whole team).
--Our NCAA Tournament tickets already came in the mail which has to be the fastest that Ticketmaster has ever worked.

The Bad:
--Norbit was the #1 movie this weekend...WHY??? Who would want to see this turd? What demographic is this movie designed for? Eddie Murphy sucks. He caters to idiots. I guess this just goes to show that there are way too many douche bags in America.
--I've overheard two horrible statements at work over the past week.
*****"I didn't get a chance to watch the Super Bowl, my wife didn't want to watch it." Umm buddy, call your lawyer and get the divorce process started.
*****"I just bought a self help book on finding Mr. Right." This was said by another guy...I don't need to know about your homoerotic struggles, even if you aren't talking to me.

The Hopeful:
--A lot of bad news coming from Napoleon this weekend. I know that God is an avid reader of this blog so I'm asking please to let everyone get through their hardships. Chad Williams, Warnimont's dad, and Rathge's dad have the support of this blog to win their fights and make it through these tough times. Good people don't deserve bad things happen to them and for Chad, especially since I'm aware of his battle the most, he is definitely too young and too good of a person to be dealing with this.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

UPDATE: We Are In


As of 10 am this morning, the 4 of us are heading to the Mecca of white guy basketball, Lexington, Kentucky for the first and second round of the NCAA Tournament. Sickness.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Guess what? I've got a fever. The only prescription...is more basketball.



For most sports fans, you sit around waiting for the end of both college and pro football, and when it finally is officially over you start to realize that--Oh Shit--college basketball is almost at conference tournament time and I don't know a damn thing about who's for real and who isn't. Not this guy. I have truly enjoyed this college basketball season and began to really embrace it about a month ago by watching teams and games from all over the country to gain knowledge come bracket time.

This is a really good year. The Top 5 teams in the country (Florida, UCLA, UNC, Wisconsin, and (ugh) Ohio St) are great and there are at least 5 other teams that can win it all as well and no one would be surprised (Texas A&M, Kansas, Oregon, Marquette, and Pitt). You even have great storylines: Texas Freshman Kevin Durant is the best freshman in college hoops in the last 20 years and Butler, that's right Butler, is ranked in the Top 10 and won the Preseason NIT.

As far as my Redhawks go, it's just like any other year. We can beat anyone on our schedule and lose to anyone on the schedule...which would explain the 10-11 record. Come MAC Tournament time though, Charlie should have the boys ready to go. As long as we can get to 60 points, no one outside of the top ten in the country can beat the Fightin' Charlies.

That being said, last week I was surfing around trying to find out the dates of the first round of the NCAA Tournament so I can take those days off and saw that Columbus was a host site this year. While it is sold out, I also saw that Lexington was hosting the first and second round as well and still had seats left. It did not take more than one minute of convincing to get Buke, Josh, and Damman to all say that they were in. So tomorrow is ticket ordering day which means that my checking account will be taking a $650+ hit (oh yeah). This is being dubbed our "Income Tax Refund Trip". It should be a blast. I've been to a few of these things where you get to see 6 top notch basketball games in two days for merely $150 and it should be fun staying down in Hilljackville for a few days. Oh, and the Buckeyes are 99% going there since they can't play in Columbus so that means two games of Greg Oden.

But that all could change if they sell out tonight before I can order...that would suck donkey balls.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Super Prediction


Guess what? The Super Bowl is Sunday. Time for my prediction. I have developed a 15 part formula to break down the winner and final score based on three overlooked categories: karma, character, and past. I will be breaking down positions for each team and judging a point total to whichever team has the advantage at that position. There are 10 football positions and 5 more fan related positions. Let's do it, let's break it down and see, because I don't have any idea how my numbers are going to look at the end, are going to turn out.
QB - Peyton Manning has earned this after his past failures, but loses some points for his "cut that meat" cesspool. Rex Grossman should be pumping gas. COLTS +4
RB - Thomas Jones was told by Tampa and Arizona that they didn't want him. No rookie "deserves" to win a Super Bowl without doing some time in the league. BEARS +2
WR/TE - Marvin Harrison has done nothing in his playoff career which hurts the ranking, but Dallas Clark gets some karma points for coming back and playing great after being told he was out for the season. Muhsin Muhammad deserves a title, too, after Brady ripped his heart out 3 years ago when he was with Carolina. COLTS +2
OL - Bears RT Fred Miller is deaf and that is impressive but Colts undrafted, Pro Bowl, AND BEARDED center Jeff Saturday is amazing. The fact that in the AFC Championship, the Colts got TD's from TWO OL is wonderful karma. COLTS +2
DL - Tank Johnson. Tank Johnson. Tank Johnson. The Colts player at the same position is named Booger. COLTS +5
LB - Brian Urlacher has earned the right to play for the title. Cato June and whoever the hell else the Colts have at LB aren't even good enough to know. BEARS +3
DB - Even though Nick Harper deserves some good luck after getting tripped up by Big Ben last year in the playoffs after getting stabbed in the leg by his bitch, he might not play. Bob Sanders is a force. I take points away from the Bears simply because people keep saying that they are without Mike Brown...THEY'VE BEEN WITHOUT HIM SINCE WEEK 5. They've replaced him, it isn't an excuse. COLTS +1
K - Robbie Gould has been great this year but I take away a little since he was probably forced to wipe JoePa's ass at Penn St. Three Words: Adam Fucking Vinatieri. Colts +4
Special Teams - Devin Hester is deadly while I think Terrence Wilkins sucks and fumbles way too much. Extra point for Bear P Brad Maynard being Player of the Year in the MAC. BEARS +4
City - Indianapolis stole the Colts from Baltimore which I respect in a dog eat dog way. The Bears compare every team to the '85 Bears which is annoying. The Bears have never moved though. BEARS +2.
Fans - This is most likely a record for the city of Miami for most guys with mustaches. Way to go Bears fan! BEARS +3
Celebrity Fans - Can't name one celeb that likes the Colts but it's better to have none than Jim Belushi. COLTS +4
Organization - The Colts were beaten down in Super Bowl III in the biggest upset ever not to mention all of Peyton's heartache. The Bears have never lost a Super Bowl and thus lose karma there. COLTS +2
Against the Spread - The Colts were a terrible 10-9 ATS this season but have covered 3 weeks in a row. The Bears are a bit better at 11-7 ATS this year but lose a point for claiming they've been underdogs all season eventhough they've been underdogs only TWICE in 18 games. BEARS +2.
Adding up....
Prediction: Colts (-7) 24, Bears 16.