Tuesday, January 30, 2007

He's Baaaaaaaaaaaaack

I was going to do my Super Bowl prediction blog today but then realized that I will surely be bored out of my gourd on Thursday and will do it then. For their is something far more important than the Super Bowl happening tonight at 10 pm. Two-A-Days is back for Season 2!!!

This is easily my favorite reality show since it has to do with one of my true passions: high school football. The "passion" thing is sarcasm but seriously, the show is great.

If you haven't seen the show, I recommend it. It's about Hoover High School in Alabama and their national powerhouse program coached by the great RUSH PROPST, a real American hero and beloved son of the South. Hoover is coming off a state championship this season and lost such great characters such as Alex (bangin' freshmen) Binder, Max (invited the defensive coordinator over for Thanksgivin') Lerner, and Repete "What am I gonna do, he's my dad" Smith who's father had a knack for showing up to games drunk. That fag, Goose, is gone probably pursuing his dream at U of Alabama to be an orthopedic surgeon...what a douche bag. He better not be nailing Kristen. Anywho, the only returning main characters to the show this time are The Icon, RUSH PROPST, and QB Ross Wilson. I have a feeling this season will be Ross's season to get most of the camera time.

And while I do know how their season ends already, I am still looking forward to watching the drama unfold. For the first time ever I can officially say...GO BUCS!!!

Weekend update with Kevin Nealon: Really looking forward to this weekend as Friday features the 26th celebration of my lowlife roommate's birth. If you are in the Columbus area, come to The Stube Friday night, I'm sure Buke will be falling down a lot. Saturday is a reunification of some Miami alums for some quality Redhawk basketball and postgame Chardonnays. White Guys 64, Western Michigan 49.

One more side note: At the end of We Are Marshall when the narrator says that "Miami University defeated The Herd the next week 66-6", I gave a huge fist pump and whispered "yes". This game took place 8 years before I was born. Saturday night, Sports Time Ohio had an old Miami/Cincinnati basketball game from 1985 on and I flipped it on with 5 minutes left in the second half. The Ron Harper-led Redskins defeated UC by 1 with a buzzer beater and when the clock read 0:00, I was standing up fist pumping wildly like when Michael Jordan hit "the shot" over Craig Ehlo. So my question is, am I pathetic or just a great fan? I mean both of these games happened over 20 years ago yet I celebrate them like I'm watching them live.

Oh well, Super Bowl prediction Thursday, and I have my own system for predicting the score based on three factors: Karma, Character, and Past. Don't miss it.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Airing of Grievances



Here's another round of my popular Airing of Grievances Segment.

1. Drew's Blog: It's been 7 damn weeks since your last blog, asshole, get on the ball. I'm sure you can comment on something. You watch enough terrible tv that I bet you can scrounge up some remarks on something.

2. Super Bowl Overhype: I realize that when there is two weeks until the big game that the media is going to beat a dead horse on some issues. The big things that I'm tired of hearing about are Peyton Manning's thumb, good Rex vs. Bad Rex, and especially the first black coaches in the Super Bowl. Not to sound insensitive and I know this is important in the landscape of football, but get over it. Yes, two black coaches is a big story, but for all the good that Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith have done for black coaches everywhere, there was also a ton of damage done to the cause by Romeo Crennel, Art Shell, Herm Edwards who are widely recognized as awful at best game day coaches.

3. The new Donatos commercial: It starts out by saying that it takes a math genius to figure out pizza coupons. Oh really? What an insult to the Average Joe. Donatos is basically inferring that Joe Lunchpail can not comprehend what "one large, one topping pizza $9.99" or "any medium pizza for $5" means. Well, FUCK YOU DONATOS. I can read dammit. And the commercial ends with Johnny Voiceover guy saying "you shouldn't have to know pi to order one". Go to hell, Donatos, this is the worst marketing idea ever.

4. New Safe Auto Commercials: This is the first of two insurance company complaints. Have you seen these things? They have some idiot sitting behind a desk talking about how he gets letters everyday about how people want to hear the Safe Auto jingle more. No, they don't. It's not funny, it's fucking stupid. Oh and it's really cute that the two douche bags in the commercials have character names of "Bill Lumbergh" and "Michael Scott". That makes these commercials even funnier. If I was in Hollywood, I would sue the shit out of this turd insurance company for copyright infringements. I wouldn't want the brilliant character names associated with the insurance company for people that aren't eligible for more established insurance. Fuck Safe Auto. Your commercials suck.

5. The General Commercials: You've all seen these, there are two of them. They set up situations, one with the girl watching tv and the other with the guy working on his car, when all of a sudden they think, "I need to call The General". I mean seriously, you're just sitting around thinking if it's too early to start drinking or too light outside to masturbate and all of a sudden--WHAM--"I HAVE NO CAR INSURANCE!!! I better call the cartoon general on tv, he looks really professional." This especially is true for the guy WORKING ON HIS CAR. Does this moron just realize that he has had his car for 10 years and has never had insurance on it??? Are we made to believe that this guy is that dumb? And at the end of both commercials when both idiots are on the phone with The General, their significant other walks in the room and asks them who they are talking to. My response would be for that situation,"Mind your own fucking business. Does it really matter who the hell I'm talking to? For God's sake I haven't had car insurance for 10 fucking years. Get the fuck out of here."

As much as I love tv, sometimes I just hate it. I would also like to congratulate Bill "Nuggrag" "Davney" Downey on his upcoming nuptials. I am still going to punch him in the face though.

Next week, my in depth Super Bowl preview and prediction.

This message was approved by Curtis "Booger" Armstrong.

Monday, January 22, 2007

The Motion Picture Event of the Year






GMoney Entertainment proudly presents the greatest movie ever: TANNEN'S 23.
The plot of this award winning screenplay is 23 down on their luck actors banding together to pull of the greatest caper in the history of the world...robbing Ocean's 11. It is simple. The leader of Tannen's 23, Biff Tannen (played by the brilliant actor and now comedian Thomas F. Wilson), has crafted a master plan to turn all of his friends' fortune around. But one problem exists. Ocean's 11 is leaving to shoot Ocean's 13 in two days so they must act now. In order to guarantee success for Tannen's 23, Biff is sending 11 teams of two men to different parts of the globe to find these men, rob them blind, and lift the spirits of his downtrodden troop of accomplished actors. Biff has made up his mind on the partnerships and targets and the list is as followed.
1. Carl Reiner vs. Fyvush Finkel and Charlie Brill
--The Lipschultz Brothers (Finkel as Boston Public's Harvey Lipschultz and Brill as Silk Stalkings' Capt. Harry Lipschultz) are more than determined to take down senior member of Ocean's 11.
2. Shaobo Qin vs. Ted McGinley and Ted Wass
--The little Asian has no chance, even with funky martial moves to outlast McGinley (as Jefferson D'arcy of Married with Children) and Wass (Blossom's dad).
3. Eddie Jemison vs. Andrew Koenig and Curtis Armstrong
--George Clooney's tech geek will be destroyed by Boner (Growing Pains) and Booger (Revenge of the Nerds).
4. Bernie Mac vs. Kirk Baily and Ray Bolger
--How does Bernie Mac stand a chance against the Camp Counselor from Salute Your Shorts (Baily as Kevin "Ug" Lee) and the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz (he's been dead since 1987)?
5. Scott Caan vs. Chris Bauer and Marc Summers
--Caan has his hands full. Bauer (Lee Nickel from Tilt) provides the punches while Summers (host of Double Dare) provides the green slime.
6. Elliot Gould vs. David Schramm and Burt Young
--the next oldest of the 11 is sure to be manhandled by the team of Schramm (Roy Biggins from Wings) and Young (Paulie from the Rocky movies).
7. Casey Affleck vs. Ian Ziering and Dr. Nick Riviera
--While Ziering (as Steve Sanders of 90210) pummels Ben Affleck's brother Dr. Nick Riviera (The Simpsons) will be glad to perform some unnecessary and fatal operations.
8. Don Cheadle vs. William Zabka and Christopher Hewett
--Zabka (playing Johnny Lawrence from The Karate Kid and the bad guy in about every 80's teen movie) will beat the bad British accent out of Cheadle while Hewett (Mr. Belvedere) will have no problem cleaning the room and leaving no evidence.
The Big 3 are left...
9. Matt Damon vs. Jerry Levine and Scott Baio
--Even Damon's Bourne Identity training will not help taking on these two titans with Levine reprising his role as Rupert "Stiles" Stilinski in Teen Wolf and Scott Baio playing himself because he needs no character...he's that damn deadly.
10. Brad Pitt vs. Sam Lloyd and Frank Stallone
--The punchline of numerous Norm McDonald jokes, Stallone (as himself) will be looking to unleash a lot of pent-up rage on Pitt. Lloyd (the loveable Ted Buckland from Scrubs) can probably just take a nap.
11. George Clooney vs. Dennis Haskins and Bill Kirchenbauer
--Without a doubt Tannen's best team going after the big dog. Haskins (Mr. Belding of Saved By The Bell) and Kirchenbauer (Graham Lubbock of Growing Pains and Just the Ten of Us) should have no problem using their high school administration knowledge to dupe Clooney out of all his money.
Will Tannen's 23 pull off the greatest heist of all time??? Find out MEMORIAL DAY 2007!!!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Championship Weekend, The Death of a Legend, and Some Randoms


First off, just read that former wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow died. I never really liked this guy when I was younger, always seemed a little too scary. I mean, what guy gets his skull tatted. The "flaming unitard" was always nice. And for being 400 pounds, the guy had some pretty sweet flips and shit. Anywho, rest in peace, Bam Bam.
On a completely tasteless note, Bam Bam Bigelow will not be able to watch the NFL conference championships tomorrow which I have been pumped for all week. Sorry Bam Bam, I win this round. I can't believe people are talking about how much they hate the Colts/Pats...are you kidding me??? Would you rather watch steroid user Shawne Merriman and the Chargers vs. accessory to murder Ray Lewis and the Ravens??? Anyway, for all you gambling junkies out there, here are my predictions and analysis.
NFC - Saints 24, Bears 16. I heard that snow is in the forecast which should tame the scoring a bit, but I believe in sports karma and New Orleans deserves this win more than Chicago. Rex Grossman is going to be bad tomorrow.
AFC - Colts 30, Patriots 24. Once again, sports karma, this is Peyton's year to exorcise his demons. If he can't do it tomorrow, it ain't ever happening for him. Maybe he could just "rub some dirt on it". God, I hate that commercial.
Randoms:
--I have to admit that my post this week about Teen Wolf was perhaps the greatest blog in the history of mankind.
--Nothing pisses me off more than people that tell me that I should give NASCAR a chance. No I shouldn't. I had a couple of sports interests available a few years ago but bowling (thanks PDW) and golf (thanks Tiger) filled them up quickly. I especially don't want to hear about your favorite driver (Craig of The Stube talking my ear off about Clint Bowyer).
--24 is amazing. But I brought this up Monday while watching it with the roommates, why doesn't the president always do what Jack recommends??? Has he not seen the show before? JACK IS ALWAYS RIGHT!!! And furthermore, they never show Jack eating, drinking, or going to the bathroom...what's up with that?
--The Knights of Prosperity is a hilarious show (Wed, 9 pm, ABC).
--NEXT WEEK!!! Next week I am pitching an idea for my movie to you, my loyal readers. I'm still working one some casting issues, but I should have it up Monday or Tuesday. And I know what you're thinking, "G$? Making a movie? I'm sure it sucks." Well, how many movies have ever sucked that starred Ian Ziering, Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, AND Mr. Belvedere??? And those guys just play marginal roles!!! Just wait and see, you will enjoy.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Plot Errors of a 20 Year Old Movie


Yesterday I was sitting on the couch flipping through the channels and stopped when I saw the Teen Wolf was on HBO. I hadn't seen the movie in at least 15 years and was jacked that it would once again be back in my life. While I did enjoy every damn minute of this classic (Scott Howard's buddy, Stiles (left), wearing his "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT DICKNOSE" t-shirt is unquestionably the greatest t-shirt ever), there were some inaccuracies in the comedy. Without further ado, here they are:
--first things first, the team that Michael J. Fox (MJF) plays on, the Beavers, is the worst team ever and no one would ever want to coach them
--the big guy on the Beavers, affectionately known as Chubby, would never play for any team...although I would like to see him play one on one against Anthony Anderson, the big fat black guy that played basketball on the excellent NBC AM show, Hang Time.
--a great guy like Stiles would never hang out with a dork like MJF. That being said, a guy with a "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT DICKNOSE" t-shirt and a teenage "werewolf" make a great pair.
--MJF totally wanted the hot, blonde drama actress (like every "nerd becomes cool" 80's movie) even though his dumpy friend "Boof" was much better looking.
--I'm pretty certain that when MJF came home and his dad and Boof were playing basketball, they had actually just "boofed" up in the old man's bedroom 10 minutes before that. You can totally tell in the dad's reaction that he wanted to hit the "Boofster".
--The hot blonde girl was only turned on to MJF when he turned into the wolf. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Most girls touch themselves when they see Chewbacca on tv.
--While MJF looked like Chewbacca, his dad when "wolf-ized" looked more like Jerry Garcia, which was odd.
--Wolf or not, no one can surf on top of a van (driven by the wacky Stiles).
--After the first game as a wolf, MJF and his entourage go into this high school pizza parlor and HE SHOTGUNS A BEER. Can you believe that? For all intensive purposes this place was probably like The Max in Saved By the Bell yet they have no problem letting a WEREWOLF SHOTGUN BEERS IN THE RESTAURANT.
--During the movie's "this team is getting pretty good because of Teen Wolf" montage, MJF starts stealing the ball from his teammates and dunking it. What a selfish prick. Teen Wolf was Iverson before Iverson was Iverson.
--The blonde drama chick dumps her boyfriend, Mick McAllister, who just so happens to be the worst actor ever. More on Mick later.
--During the championship game, MJF shows up IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIRST HALF AND NOT AS TEEN WOLF. Yet the coach puts him in right away. I would've sat his ass on the bench for being selfish.
--Why would he not want to be the wolf anyway? It's the god damn championship (of what I have no idea, but it was for the title of something), if he really wanted to win, he would've put the team above himself and "Wolfed Up"
--Of course, the opposing team (the Dragons) have Mick McAllister on the team and he pretty much kills MJF, in all his rediscovered dorky glory, every time he takes the ball to the rim.
--The Beavers are getting molested by the Dragons but every time they score, they act like they just won the lotto...there is a nice 80's montage here which includes a few Chubby set shot jumpers.
--I should add that during the game, Stiles is selling Teen Wolf t-shirts in the crowd and is wearing a Teen Wolf visor...what an amazing guy!!!
--Fast forward to the end of the game where #45 for the Beavers who I believe is nameless is pretty much blocking EVERY shot that the Dragons are taking. But the kicker is that he's doing it not from in front of the shooter, but on the side and behind. And he does it like 4 damn times. Any decent referee would've nailed him for at least 2 fouls!!! More on the officiating in a second.
--Anyway, the Beavers are down 1 with like 10 seconds to go and MJF has the ball. He takes it to the rack and Mick absolutely MURDERS him on the foul for his 5th foul to knock him out of the game. Where was the flagrant foul? If ever a foul was malicious, it was this hammer job. Mick has fouled out, right? WRONG.
--While MJF is lining up for his free throws, MICK IS STANDING ON THE BASE LINE STARING AT HIM AND TALKING SHIT. Why didn't the referees make him get to the bench? Who's reffing this game, Rick Small???
--Anyway, the non-wolf Teen Wolf hits both free throws (MJF has the worst shot ever) and the Beavers win. Everyone charges the court, MJF realizes that he wants to boof Boof instead of the blonde broad, and Mick McAllister (nice name) is a wreck.
--FYI, at the end of the celebration, and I heard about this on VH1's missed mistakes show, there is a guy in the stands with his dick hanging out of his jeans. I caught it yesterday which made for a good chuckle as the credits rolled.
All in all, Teen Wolf is flawed, but still a classic. And remember, when someone won't quit staring at you, just take the advice of Stiles and say "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT DICKNOSE".

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Classy Alabama Fans and 24 is BACK!!!



This woman took time off from her as crack whore to greet new Alabama coach and liar, Nick Saban, at the airport like was the fucking president. The best past is that two hours later she was arrested for DUI after blowing over a .20. Atta girl, you're the reason why we from up north think you Southerners are white trash idiots.
Enough hillbilly shit, 24 is back tonight!!! I can't wait for Jack to rock the ZZ Top beard even if it only is for one "hour".
Way to early NFL playoff predictions: Saints 31, Bears 13. Colts 27, Chargers 23 or Patriots 24.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

News and Notes


Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce you to the gayest photo ever taken courtesy of America's finest newspaper, The Northwest Signal. A guy licking another guy's ass is less gay than this picture. Looking good, Ratliff.
Anyway, Buke just told me that Greg Oden was at Grant's frat house last weekend wearing a robe...THAT'S AWESOME!!! I wish I had thay kind of status in the world where I could walk around in a coat made out of a towel. Greg Oden = Half primate, half Hugh Hefner.
I bet you are looking for my thoughts on the BCS game last night. Here's my post from ocp this morning:
"I've been waiting 19 f'n games to throw it back your gray and red faces and for some reason this morning it isn't as sweet as I thought it would be. I watched the game with 20 buckeye fans last night and while I was the only one smiling, every one else was just kind of in a state of awe. Like an "is this really happening" phase. I am VERY happy for the Gators. Some notes from Sack, the only opinion that matters:
--The reason why the Buckeyes didn't blitz and had an incredibly soft zone is, and Corso and Herbie said it afterwards, they were so worried about getting torched deep by the superior Florida WR's. This makes no sense because Chris Leak can't throw a deep ball and everyone in the SEC knows that when you pressure Leak, he turns the ball over.
--There is such a thing as SEC speed and it is dominant.
--Chris Leak's definition of "fun" is reading textbooks, what a boring individual.
--Percy Harvin will have a bigger impact at UF than Ginn has at OSU.
--For the first time in a long time, Jim Tressel got MANHANDLED.
--Troy Smith's colon has to be huge to fit the Heisman trophy and his head up his ass.
--Think about it, the only above average offenses the Buckeye D faced all season absolutely torched them.
--The 4th and 1 call was the dumbest call of bowl season. That is not Tresselball...what the hell was he thinking???
--The Big 10 is overrated. 2-5??? The only two games you won were because Phil Fulmer is tied with Lloyd Carr as worst coach ever and Houston Nutt sucks nuts. 6 points away from being an amazing 0-7. Don't piss on the Big East when you can't hold your own during bowl month.
Here's something that will make you Buckeye fans a little more angry and a little less accepting of last night's defeat...you know damn well that that idiot, Skip Bayless, is loving it right now.
Sack has spoken.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Biggest D-Bag in College Hoops


Drew (of Drew's Blog) believes that Duke center Josh McRoberts is the biggest dildo in college hoops. I disagree. Meet Eric Devendorf, guard at Syracuse(left). You're probably thinking, OK, he's white trash, but he doesn't look like as big of a dildo as McRoberts. I couldn't find a pic of him during games but add a body full of tattoos and a headband. A WHITE GUY WITH A HEADBAND. Case dismissed. I hate you, Eric.

















PREDICTION: BCS Championship Game or Fiesta Bowl 2, whatever it's called. Florida 31, Fightin' Sweater Vests 24.

One more thing, Tony Romo makes me smile.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

"Foxing It Up"



First things first, ever since President Ford was killed by Lloyd Carr's terrible coaching, I can not stop thinking about the hilarious SNL sketch where Tom Brokaw (Dana Carvey) is taping all these different Gerald Ford dies scenarios so whenever it did happen, he would be able to broadcast it. Here's a taste:

"Stunning news from Yorba Linda today, as Richard Nixon's corpse climbed out of his grave and strangled Gerald Ford to death."

Priceless.

Anyway, after last night's amazing Fiesta Bowl, which ranks as the best college football game I've ever seen as the game had EVERYTHING you could ask for, I couldn't help but wonder about how Fox would be handling the rest of the BCS games. Obviously, the team in the booth last night was terrible, even though they were good in the first half. That dumbass Charles Davis, said "they might fake it" before EVERY punt. Well you guys are lucky because I was able to sit in on the FOX BCS production meetings and I am going to let you guys know some of the ideas that were tossed around in that meeting...here we go:

--House (with his gimp) will be the head referee for the BCS championship.

--The halftime show of the Orange Bowl will be Peter Gallagher getting his eyebrows waxed.

--Troy Smith will be replaced by a robot.

--The guys from Prison Break will kidnap Urban Meyer before the game and Fox will offer up either Bones, Michael Rappaport, or Hell's Kitchen's Gordon Ramsay as a replacement.

--Bring in a live, timed nuclear bomb for the Sugar Bowl halftime show and have Keifer Sutherland diffuse it while snipers are firing at him.

--Put an ad for Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy on Charlie Weis's FUPA.

--Have Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long do commentary during the BCS title game...this somehow got approved.

--Have a naked Brad Garrett call plays for Notre Dame.

--Have a voiceover of Randy Jackson yelling "YEAH, DAWG" over the PA after every good play in every game.

--Having absolutely no one available to do the booth for the Orange Bowl, decide to have the voices of Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, and Stan Smith do the game. I think this would be great personally.

--During the BCS game, have John Walsh do a sideline America's Most Wanted about Maurice Clarett.

--The first team to have a running back get hurt, bring in Polk High's own, AL BUNDY, to replace him.

--Try to find a way to get more robots on the tv screen.

FOX IT UP, BITCH!!!