Monday, December 10, 2007
Oh. Hello. Didn't see you there. As I sit here in my cube on this Monday morning with Pat Benatar's Love Is A Battlefield stuck in my head for some reason, I realize that football, too, is a battlefield. And this week, there were quite a few NFLers that were blown up by landmines. So let's sit back, relax, suck down an amaretto-flavored coffee, and enjoy the shittiness that was Week 14 in the National Football League. And if you don't like it, well, I can't help you. But Mr. Cam Cameron will give you a kiss to make things better. Here we go...
10. Carson Palmer - I know, I know, the Bengals won. But no thanks to Mr. John Morrell hot dogs. Another week, another pick six thrown for Palmer. The brilliance which was the Rams/Bengals was on here in central Ohio yesterday and if it wasn't for my lack of motivation, I would have hung myself. That sucked. Carson sucks. Brock Berlin sucks...but we already knew that. Although it was great to to hear the dulcet tones of Pat Summerall once again. We miss you, ya old drunk.
9. Jay Glazer - I've given up on Chris Mortensen due to his inaccurate "breaking news". I now get my last minute injury notices from Fox's Glazer. He's got his finger on the button (like Springfield Sanitation Commissioner, Ray Patterson). But yesterday, he damn near ruined my day. Look, I have only one fantasy team that is any good. I had already wrapped up the one seed going into this week but I still wanted to keep it rolling. But right before kickoff, Glazer announces that Plax Burress returned to the locker room and looked very shaky. So I ran upstairs, got on the interwebs, and replaced him with Kevin Walter in my lineup. Burress dropped 135 yards and a touchdown...9 more points than Walter. I can't deal with this kind of shoddy journalism. Fuck you, Jay, I'm still going to win again this week (thank you, Trent Edwards!).
8. Herm! - We are now just going to refer to Coach(?) Edwards as Herm exclamation point. Wow. Way to have your team prepared yesterday. 17 rushes for 16 yards against the porous Broncos run D. That's good stuff. Can someone please remind me why Herm! still has a job??? Does he just spend all day Tuesday blowing the front office? If so, have fun at work tomorrow, Chiefs management.
7. Cleo Lemon - It's not really fair to put the Dolphins backup QB on this list because it's bad enough that he has to put on that uniform everyday. But when you suck as much rhino dick as Lemon did yesterday, you deserve it. 2 picks with one going to the house and FOUR fumbles is about as shitty as it gets. Yes, the Dolphins are going winless this year. It's only a formality now. But with Brian Billick coming to town next weekend, anything is possible.
6. Kurt Warner - It was supposed to be a big week for the Cards. They were in the playoffs as the 6 seed, they had momentum from a good win against the Browns, and they had a chance to make a statement by winning in Seattle. It's just too bad that God's dad, Kurt Warner, was their QB. Taking 5 sacks and giving 5 picks ain't going to get it done. I guess you could say that Warner is a giver and a taker. He gives good head and takes the hope out of all 12 of the Cardinals fans. On a much more awesome note, it's shaping up like the Skins/Vikes game in two weeks will decide the 6 spot.
5. Jeff Fisher (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - I have to be honest, I was wrong here. I was telling everyone that would listen to me to take the Titans as a PK this week at home. I should have known better. You can't just expect men with the resolve of Norville Turner and Phillip Rivers to just roll over and die. Even up 14 in the 4th quarter to the worst coach/QB combo in the league, you can never count them out. Come on, Jeff, you let that one go. That was pathetic and it will likely cost you a playoff spot.
4. The Baltimore Ravens - This is one of the few things I hate about the NFL. A shitty team pulls out all the stops at home one week, narrowly misses out on a win in the best NFL game of the year, and falls apart emotionally. The next week, another good but not great team comes to town and before you know it, it's 30-0 Colts. That pisses me off. They quit. Brian Billick gave up. Ray Lewis gave up. They weren't even trying. And it's time to play Troy Smith, he looked good in his first action as a pro. Oh, like I said earlier, the Dolphins have a chance against these bums but I wouldn't count on it.
3. Eric Mangini - What the fuck was that? Seriously. I watch Joe Gibbs every week and even I could tell that that was a hatchet coaching job. Let's set it up for you: down 17-6, score a TD and miss the two so they are down 5. With THREE timeouts left and 3 minutes to go, he onside kicks it...and they get it!!! With a minute and a half left(?) on 4th and 10 from the 30ish, HE KICKS A FG. Another onside kick attempt, THEY KICK IT DEEP AND OUT OF BOUNDS INSTEAD! Jamal Lewis continues to fool people by crawling in for a TD to make it 24-15 with a minute or so on the clock. The Jets drive down and kick ANOTHER field goal with 30 seconds left. Try another onside, no dice, game over. That was awful. Dumbest shit I've seen (non-Gibbs) all year.
2. Lions Linebacking Corpse - Yes, I mean it, they played like dead guys. Was it not obvious that Romo-Witten was the gameplan? You should have figured that out after 5 catches...surely after 10 catches...nope, the 15th and game-winning catch makes you a loser yet again. Get a fucking clue. Ironically, I actually had to root for the Cowboys this week since the Skins need them to have nothing to play for in week 17 and the Lions need to keep losing. By the way, how hilarious were Wade Phillips' wild fist pumps after that touchdown??? The only thing that would have made me laugh harder would be the suicide of Jerry Jones. I don't care how classless that sounds, I hate him. Oh yeah, if a football could get pregnant and have an abortion, the Lions would be the unborn fetus. Yep, you get nothing but class from me.
1. Anthony Smith - The douchebag of the week goes to this no-name guy. You all heard about his retard guarantee that the Steelers would beat the Pats. The only problem was, he is a terrible cover DB and was going to be playing. He got toasted for two long scores and Brady even ran smack (talk, not the stuff that Jamal Lewis sells) at him during the game. Let this be a lesson, shut the fuck up. Same with you Terence Newman. Shut the fuck up. Guarantees do nothing but make you look like an assface. Just go out and play.
On that note, I'm out. I'm heading out to Planned Parenthood to stop them from giving a case of Wilson footballs the old rusty coat hanger. I am a Catholic after all. Enough with the silliness, see you tomorrow. Enjoy the Saints/Falcons game tonight!!!!