Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.
This week, "The First Snow of the Year" Edition.
***Winner of the Heisman, Big Racks - With the Heisman Award ceremony/bore-a-thon commencing Saturday night, it's time for me to award the...award myself. When he's not being photographed with girls that look like Stephanie McMahon, Tim Tebow is just a beast on the field. This isn't even close. This is Tim's trophy. The signature player of the season. If you clicked on yesterday's link to Stiles Points, you already knew I was voting this way though. By the way, he's going to sodomize Lloyd Carr come New Year's Day...it's going to be great.
***The Tigers take advantage of Double-A teams - Wow. Now THAT is one hell of a trade for Detroit. I make it no secret that giving praise to anything from Detroit is not high on my list of things to do (right up there with having relations with Kobe Bryant). Trading prospects that may or may not pan out for two studs is a scenario that GM's dream of. Luckily for Tigers GM, Dave Dombrowski, the Marlins are one of, if not the, worst run franchises in all of sports. The Tigers have staked their claim to once again be the team to beat in the Central. What will the Indians response be? I'm sure they will wait until February, resign Trot Nixon, and try to convince their fanbase that they are ready to do it all over again. Take note, Mark Shapiro, this is how you go from contender to favorite.
***Travis Henry wins appeal, knocks up judge - It looks like the professional fornicator and football player will not be suspended for a year due to yet another failed drug/paternity test. I've never seen this before. Has an athlete ever won an appeal to squash a suspension? Who represented him? F. Lee Bailey? Whoever it was, that is one hell of a lawyer. But in all seriousness, we are glad that Henry will be back on the field for the rest of the season. Now all he has to worry about are big defensive lineman and fantasy owners trying to kill him for ruining their seasons.
***The Cavs need their King again, are currently unwatchable - There is good and bad news coming out of The Q. The good: with Anderson Varejao signing the offer sheet from the Bobcats, Danny Ferry will match that offer and we will be once again supporting the Wild Thing for the next year and a half. Welcome back, AV, you are much better than Dwayne Jones. The bad: Lebron, we need you back. I can't even watch the Cavs when he isn't dressed (in his uniform, you know what I mean, dammit). They are just too terrible. They barely crack 80 points. The offense is run through Drew Gooden. It's just awful. Hurry back, King...please.
***He might as well have just called him "Toby" - After the classic Monday Nighter this week in which Brian Billick proved just how big of a loser he is, word came out that one of the refs kept calling Samari Rolle "boy". Uh oh. You know what, old white men can be pretty stupid. Why on Earth would you call a black man by a name that is generally regarded as a slavery nickname. Call him "son" or "chief" or even the little used "ace"...but not boy. Brian Billick will not be blowing (kisses or penis) this ref any time soon. And you better be damned sure that Al Sharpton is going to get his worthless ass involved in this.
***The Mitchell Report is apparently not fictional - I've been hearing that the Mitchell Report was going to be released for over 2 months now. I'm still waiting. Now, it's being reported that it will be released before Christmas and that it will name a lot of current and former players for steroids and HGH and herpes. Seems like good timing. Ruining the holidays for a number of millionaires has always been one of my favorite pastimes. And just to draw my line in the sand, I don't care about steroids at all. If you can hit a 500 foot dinger, I like you no matter how you did it.
***The Dumbest Person of 2007 is... - Miss Lindsay Lohan!!! Some paper in New York, with nothing better to do, released their dumbasses of the year list. Personally, I would have named Joe Gibbs at #1. Seriously, what is worse; Making crappy movies and going to rehab or being paid 5 mill a year to not know anything about your job and blow games every week due to your own ineptitude. Checkmate, Gibbs wins. Lindsay can be #2...and since she likely has had men shit on her in the heat of coke-fueled passion, #2 seems like a good fit.
Alright, I'm out. With 4 inches of snow on the ground, I should probably leave work now so I can get home by 6 tonight. Terrible drivers piss me off.