Friday, December 28, 2007
With week 17 of the NFL upon us, we can finally get depressed. Teams have either quit or are resting their stars. There are only 3 games of importance this weekend (NE's undefeated quest, Skins/Cowboys, and Titans/Colts). ESPN has bludgened us over the head with Pats coverage and I've already described the gloriousness of The Golden Arm of Todd Collins. No, today we put the spotlight on a lesser known individual who will be directly responsible for who gets into the AFC playoffs.
Let's take a deeper look at our favorite kicker-cuddling, sideburned, backup QB, Mr. James Sorgi. I want to share with you some facts about Sorgi so that, after he loses on Sunday night, Browns fans will be less inclined to murder him. Let's get going since the brown and orange mob is already en route from Cleveland to Indy with pitchforks ready to go.
--born 12/3/1980 in Fraser, Mich (I'm 2 months older than this guy! Born in suburban Detroit so you know he's a gangsta)
--was Detroit News “Dream Team” quarterback (but did he rock the Chris Mullin flat top?)
--was first-team all-state, all-county and all-league in 1998…92 completions broke former major league pitcher Pat Hentgen's school record (a Pat Hentgen reference!!!)
--Sorgi and his wife, Lana, reside with their son, James III, in Brownsburg, Ind. (you can't kill a family man, can you, Dawg Pound?)
--majored in agriculture business management (who doesn't love a farming gun-slinger?)
--One-year starter at Wisconsin…saw action in 32 games at QB with 17 starts…was school's career leader in passing efficiency (that's not very impressive, I could sit here all day and not remember another QB at Wisconsin)
--Jim Sorgi was drafted in the sixth round in the 2004 NFL Draft by the Indianapolis Colts (you know who else was a 6th round draft pick from a Big Ten school...Jon Navarre!!!)
--2005: Appeared in five games as reserve QB…posted career-best seasonal totals with 42-61-444, 3 TDs/1 int., 99.4 rating (not bad...for me to poop on)
--2006: Appeared in one game as holder on PAT attempt vs. Houston 9/17 (one game as a holder??? Was he fired from that duty? Was it too much for him?)
--2007: 7-12, 0 TD's (but the final chapter has yet to be written...)
--On April 13, 2007 he signed a one year contract worth $850,000 ($53,125 per game). On October 29, 2007 the Colts extended his contract for another three years, the financial terms of which have yet to be disclosed (nothing is better than seeing someone become complacent with their place in this world; seriously, I would agree to be Peyton's backup for 10% of that)
--During Press Week before the Super Bowl, Sorgi talked about auditioning to be the new Ol' Lonely, Maytag's repairman character (What the fuck? Why was any reporter talking to him anyway? And if I am Sorgi and am trying to be a joke maker to the media, I'm going to the hole with something stronger than that. A Maytag repairman joke? Why not just go with a "your mom" joke?)
--As The Hater Nation has pointed out numerous times, his mother enjoys the sweet, sweet taste of gin (Seriously, click the link, THN is hilarious when it comes to the gin-soaked diatribes of Mrs. Sorgi)
A few more that you'll only get from this blog...
--nicknamed "Horsecock Johnson" by his Colts teammates
--is lactose tolerant
--listens to nothing but Skee-Lo albums
--in lieu of saying "hello" to people, he gives the double thumbs up, Fonzie "Ayyyyy"
--has his own off-off broadway, one man show titled, "Headsets and Clipboards"
--killed James Dungy
--childhood idol was former Lions great, "Thumbs Up" Mike Utley
Well, there you have it. This is the guy who is deciding playoff matchups. The Browns are in big, big trouble. God Bless the NFL. I'm back tomorrow with a rare Saturday "stuck at work" post. Go Skins.