We are now officially half way home in the NFL regular season. By now, we pretty much know what to expect from every team. The Browns will be in a shootout every week. Same with the Packers. Preseason darlings, the 49ers, Broncos, Rams, and Bengals are all terrible. The NFC East is hands down the best division (like usual).
So let's get down to it. There were a lot of shitty performances this weekend. Here are the ten worst:
10. Anyone that watched the 49ers/Falcons game - Even if you are a fan of these two teams, I can't fathom how anyone could have watched this game. There weren't even any good fantasy players playing. Seriously, if you count on a 49er or Falcon, you more than likely have a losing record.
9. The Grumpy Old Coaches segment - The new idea for the FOX pregame show to have Jimmy Johnson and Barry Switzer talk about random stuff with Terry Bradshaw is just plain terrible. Especially Switzer. I honestly think that he has Alzheimer's. Not the hilarious, fake, Larry David Alzheimer's, but the real kind. Terry will ask him to talk about a game and he immediately segues into the 1978 Oklahoma Sooners team. He is all over the map. Truly a brutal segment. I would rather take public speaking classes taught by Shannon Sharpe than listen to one word of this rotten segment.
8. Eric Mangini - Where's your fucking "mangenius" now, Jets fans??? 1-8. The Redskins proved yesterday that they had no desire to pass at all yet the Jets still had no idea how to slow down Portis and Betts. That was pathetic. Man, the Jets are awful. If you didn't think that last year was a fluke for them (which you would be a retard to think otherwise), then now only proves it. Oh, and I've been hammered for not talking about the Browns here, so here you go. You guys are going to experience this same fall from grace next year. That remark alone should get the comments section going!
7. Patrick Ramsey - Ha!!! One of my least favorite Redskins of all time returned to the field yesterday in quite a glorious fashion. If you just looked at a box score, you would think he played OK. He didn't. He was awful. Whether it be fumbling at the 1 yard line for a defensive touchdown or throwing a pick six to a 600 pound defensive lineman, Ramsey was fantastic yesterday. Do the Broncos play the Bengals? If so, the winner of that turd could play the winner of a Seahawks/Eagles gangbang for the title of biggest underachiever of the year.
6. Marvin Harrison - I am a general manager of 3 fantasy football teams. My records are 7-2, 4-5, and 4-4-1. I own Harrison in two leagues. Guess which two? It sucks that he's got a gimpy knee. I feel for the Tyrone Willingham look-alike. But how dare you be a gametime decision EVERY week. Give us fantasy owners something to work with here. If you aren't going to play, LET US KNOW BEFORE 3:30 ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON!!! For my money, Harrison has been the 2nd biggest bust in fantasy this year (#1 is coming up; I also have in the top 5 Maroney, Chad Johnson, and McNabb/Gore).
5. Black Head Coaches (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - Romeo The Brown Mound = Win. Tony "Gay Hater" Dungy = Loss. My boy, Herm = Loss. Marvin Lewis = Another embarrassment. Not a good day for equality. Herm choked away a lead to God's right hand man, Brett Favre, and lost Larry Johnson for awhile. Dungy, who is overrated by the way, took it in the ass from Belicheck again. And of course, the awfulness which is Marvin Lewis sucked again. Bengals front office-types gave Lewis a vote of confidence this week...ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??? To steal a line from George Costanza, I think I could coach in the NFL. It doesn't seem that hard to me. If Marvin and Herm and Wade and Norv can do it, why can't I??? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
4. Phillip Rivers/Shawne Merriman - Nice game, Super Chargers. Everyone, even NORV!, knows that the way to beat the Vikings is to throw and make them throw. The Bolts disagree. Hayseed Rivers is fucking terrible. The Chargers defense has apparently never heard about Purple Jesus Peterson. I will say this, as bad as Martyball is, there is no way he would have lost to the Vikings. That's a Norv loss right there...classic Norville Turner. That being said, Adrian Peterson is going in the top 3 in fantasy drafts next year.
3. Donovan McNabb - You fucking suck. If I lived in Philly, and thank God I don't, I would be making molatov cocktails out of Chunky Soup cans and launching them into his windows right now. Then again, Eagles fans are probably already doing this and don't need me for advice on mob tactics anyway. I feel bad for Andy Reid. His kids are in jail and the one guy who he would probably want to be locked up, happens to be throwing ducks for his offense. I hope his shittiness continues next weekend in DC.
2. Shaun Alexander - This 400 pound tub of hangover shit gets my vote for worst player in the NFL. Maybe the history of the league. Have you seen this guy run? He runs backwards, BACK FIRST, through holes. Watching the Browns/Hawks game yesterday (way better than the "big" game), Alexander would get the ball, have a ten foot hole against an awful defense, yet slow down and take a studder step so the defense could tackle him. It was horrific. I'd be willing to bet that his longest gain of the year is 6 yards. And yes, Shaun Alexander is my #1 biggest bust of the fantasy year. This guy is to the TD record as the Jets are to the 2006 season. It's better just to forget about both.
1. President Peyton Manning - First of all, that game sucked. It was boring. The crowd was weak for the significance of the game (I'll give them a little slack since it's hard to cheer when Kelvin Sampson is continually sending you text messages). Brady wasn't good. Manning wasn't good. I should've known it was going to be a disappointment when Billy B was wearing a polo shirt. But seriously, Peyton, that one's on you. With the exception of a swing pass that Joey Joe Joe Addai took to the house, you put up a big fat goose egg (your rushing TD doesn't count, Gomer). The Pats defense isn't even that good yet you looked as confused as Brady Quinn at Larry Flynt's Hustler Club. So to sum up, that game sucked. Enough said.
See you all tomorrow for some Middle Finger-y goodness. Also, my weekly column on Mid America Nattering posts tomorrow...I did my first interview ever!!! One more thing, much props to the alma mater for their big high school football playoffs victory this weekend. I'll be there this weekend...drunk of course.