Friday, November 02, 2007

Box 1, Zumaya 0

The baseball season has finally ended. Every team is back to the drawing board and trying to build a contender. The Detroit Tigers are no exception. The plan to jettison their weasel closer, Todd Jones, has now become a priority to resign him. Why, you ask?

The Detroit Free Press is reporting that fireballer, and likely Jones successor, Joel Zumaya, "underwent a reconstruction of the AC joint in his right shoulder Wednesday in San Diego. The Tigers said Thursday they hope he will be able to return at the middle of next season."

Uh oh. Let's take a closer look at the circumstances surrounding this event and see if Zumaya The Hut is as manly as his 100 mph fastball indicates.

***Wildfires were looming two miles away, Joel Zumaya said, when the Tigers reliever and his family began removing belongings from their home in Chula Vista, Calif., on Saturday. Verdict: Taking care of your family is always a good thing

***Zumaya's father, Joel Sr., had been hobbled by a broken right leg, so the task of retrieving possessions from the attic -- World Series memorabilia included -- was left to Joel, the Tigers' fire-balling right-hander, and Richard, his younger brother. Verdict: Helping out your dad is also a noble act although if the World Series stuff meant anything to him, it wouldn't be collecting dust in the attic. No word yet on whether his brother is as talented as Richard Stamos.

***Joel Zumaya said he reached for one box and pulled it toward him, unaware that a heavier one was on top. The heavier box -- which weighed 50 to 60 pounds, Zumaya said -- fell and struck his right shoulder. Verdict: Stupid since he's the breadwinner of the family and shouldn't be putting himself in this situation, but still on the honorable side of things.

***At various times during the interview, Zumaya expressed confidence that he will return. It's not known how many pitchers have had AC joint separations of this severity -- "If there's been any, there haven't been many," Dombrowski said -- but Zumaya vowed, "I will be the first pitcher to recover 100% from this surgery." Verdict: I wouldn't doubt him. Besides his poor fielding off the mound, the guy seems to have a much better make up than the walking vagina of Carl Pavano.

***Zumaya became concerned when he noticed a bump on his shoulder looked similar to those Polanco and Sheffield had, but with one disconcerting difference: It was twice the size. Verdict: That's disgusting. For close to a week, Zumaya had a hunchback.

***"These pitchers are such fine-tuned machines. They're always riding that thin line between performance and injury. Reestablishing that balance is now up to the athlete and the training staff, and, more often than not nowadays, they're able to come back." Verdict: Nothing really, although this is the point where some old man walks up and starts talking about how "back in his day, Satchel Paige would throw 5 complete games a week. Pitchers just aren't as tough today."

***"It's in God's hands now," Zumaya said, "and I have faith." Verdict: God likely has no money invested into the Tigers and I highly doubt that he cares about a random guy's arm.

But HERE is my real problem (from ESPN as The DFP fails to mention this)...

***"The fires were approximately 2 miles from his home, where he lives with his parents, and his dad has a broken leg and wanted some items from the attic. " Verdict: Joel Zumaya is a pussy ass bitch. Who the hell does he think he is? Bam Margera? How many millionaires live with their mom and dad? That's pathetic! I don't care if he's only 23, it's time to cut the cord and move out. It's not like he can't afford it.

Let this be a lesson to you kiddies out there. Boxes do not appreciate moochers. If you are in your 20's (especially if you are a professional athlete), MOVE THE FUCK OUT.

I do feel bad for Tigers fans though. They have to endure another season of Todd Jones. And I heard that the Michigan trailer parks are running low on Keystone and Oxycontin.

Have a good weekend. The Redhawks better beat Buffalo tomorrow.

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