Monday, October 22, 2007

The Worst of Week 7

We're going in a bit of a different path this early Monday morning. You see, I've already called off work tomorrow so I can stay home and watch a lot of Season 1 of The Wire before HBO pulls it from On Demand this coming Sunday. I didn't get to see much football yesterday due to travelling, a severe post-wedding hangover, and tomorrow's Middle Finger topic (and this company infuriated the shit out of me, but let's wait for tomorrow on that one). And looking through box scores and watching highlights, I can't really come up with 10 terrible performances from Week 7.

Big Ben was bad. The Titans and Texans defenses were bad. Tarvaris Jackson was bad. The Dolphins and Rams still suck. The Indians were bad, but excellent at gagging on the queer balls of Dustin Pedroia. Since Pedroia's team won the series, I'm guessing Grady has to be his "bottom" tonight.

That being said, I hammer NFL coaches constantly in this forum and today, I'm going to rank who I think are the ten worst coaches in the sport. So it's kind of a "worst of", but it's different. Kind of like killing a hooker. Technically, you're committing murder, but at the same time, she was already dead inside anyway.

10. Dickless Jauron - The Bills have no direction at all. Marshawk Lynch is going to be a stud, but if I were a Bills fan, I don't want Dickless handling this kid. If you were fired by the Bears and Lions, you fucking suck.

9. Rod Marinelli - I don't care what the Lions record is, it doesn't matter. When the average NFL fan has no idea what you look like and think that Mike Martz is the head decision maker, you aren't very good at your job. FYI, if Mike Martz was still a head coach, he would be a shoe-in for the top 3.

8. Brian Billick - He won a Super Bowl...so what? That was like, 8 years ago and he has done absolutely nothing since. But they have a good defense, you say. Billick has NOTHING to do with the defense for he is an "offensive guru". His offense flat out sucks. It always has. Brian Billick is the worst championship coach of all time. And yes, he is even worse than Bob Brenly.

7. Tom Coughlin - I tell you what, Coughlin is doing one hell of a job this year. If I did this list 7 weeks ago, The Rat would easily have been #1. But I give him credit, there is no turmoil or in-fighting on the Giants this season and they are playing great football. Don't get me wrong, he's still a shitty coach, but he's doing good things this year.

6. Herm Edwards - How can Herm Edwards NOT be in the top 5??? I have no idea either. But the Chiefs, the fucking CHIEFS, are 4-3 right now. Wow. I think this has nothing to do with Herm at all but nevertheless, it's still shocking. If Coughlin would have been 1 during the preseason, Herm was 2. These coaches really hate all the venom I spew about them and are trying to prove me wrong. Guess what, idiots, I ain't changin'.

5. Cam Cameron - You're 0-7. You may go 0-16. You had one of the worst drafts in the history of the NFL. Welcome to the Cam Cameron Era. He was so unqualified for a head coaching gig that Marty Morningwood thinks that that hire was a joke. How do you walk into a team meeting and try to command respect from grown men when they all know that you were fired by Indiana???

4. Scott Linehan - Can you hear the prison guards??? DEAD MAN WALKING. The Rams are such a well run franchise. What were they thinking two years ago during their head coach job search? "You know, the Dolphins had a mediocre offense this past season, let's hire their coordinator!!!" Ugh.

3. Norv Turner - Ah, trusty old Norv. A classic punching bag. The quintessential example of the guy who is nothing more than a good offensive coordinator but can't make the big boy decisions. What are the Chargers fucking thinking? Why hasn't he been fired yet? Ol' Norville killed my Redskins and sucked dong for the Raiders. I'm looking forward to his new level of losing for the Bolts.

*****UPDATE!!! Just now watching the Paul Byrd HGH lies on Sportscenter...HA!!! Classic!!! Now I can't help but wonder what HGH-laced boogers taste like.

2. Marvin Lewis - The exact opposite of Brian Billick. He has nothing to do with the offense. The defense is his baby. The defense sucks. There is no discipline on the team. They find new, creative ways to lose each week (unless they play the Jets). Marvin, you may have been the first black coach ever hired by the Bengals. And in about 3 months, you will be the first black coach fired by the Bengals.

1. Wade Phillips - I don't give a fuck what the Cowboys record is. They could go 15-1 and I would still feel this way. I don't care that he kind of looks like my grandpa either. Do you really think players listen to this guy? Do you really think that T.O. listens to this bumpkin? Sure, he looks like a nice guy, but all retards are nice. They have to be. Who would talk to a mean retard? Anyway, I use this example whenever Bum's son is on tv...he looks like he was the winner of a "Who Wants To Coach the Cowboys" contest run by some Dallas-area crazy FM radio morning show. He looks like a fan!!! I don't even think his headset is connected to anything. It's just Hank Williams songs blaring in his earhair.

Oh God, now I'm worked up. There are too many shitty coaches around these parts. I didn't even get to Romeo, Holmgren, Childress, etc. I need to get to bed. I've got a lot of The Wire to watch tomorrow. Enjoy work. I know I will...

1 comment:

NFL Adam said...

This is a one horse race. Norv Freaking Turner.