Monday, October 15, 2007

The Worst of Week 6

Once again, it's time to break down the worst from week 6 in the NFL. After Saturday's euphoria from my Redhawks decapitation of the hated Bowling Green Falcons (almost ensuring a bowl birth), it was nothing but heartbreak on Sunday. I will say that seeing Ben Roethlisberger get his jersey retired was freaking awesome. The guy deserved it. But enough love, let's get to the hate. I'm much better at that.

10. Eric Byrnes - Since there were even less games than usual, we're devoting one spot to baseball today. The oh-so-mediocre Eric Byrnes is ANOTHER shining example of how athletes are the dumbest people in the world. His remarks about how the D-Bags have outplayed the Rockies in the NLCS were so stupid that even Mike Tyson thinks he's an idiot. Come on, Eric, you're better than that. Get your fucking broom out, buddy, your season ends tonight.

9. Kurt Warner - Judas Priest, Kurt. What a bunch of shit. You get me all excited that your corpse had been exhumed and was ready to be a force again in the league and then you get hurt in the first fucking quarter leaving my fantasy team in ruins. Disaster. After seeing the performances from Warner and Jon Kitna over the past few weeks, can we finally realize that God doesn't care about football at all???

8. Jason Taylor/Zach Thomas - Pathetic. One week it's Justin Fargas and Daunte Culpepper. Then it's Derek Anderson and Jason Wright. Have some pride. If the Dolphins played the Rams, I'm pretty sure it would lead to the apocalypse. Or make me want to watch Apocalypto. I'm not sure, but I know it would be like sticking your balls in a vise.

7. Gus Frerotte - Speaking of shitty, just look at the pic and you can tell how the Rams played yesterday. 5 picks for In Gus We Trust. Wow. Dan Dierdorf said about Trent Green last week, "If Webster's had a definition for competitiveness, it would be Trent Green." First of all, Dan, I'm pretty sure that Webster's is aware that that word exists and has already defined it. Secondly, if Webster's had a definition for "monkey ejaculate", it would be Gus Frerotte. That being said, I'm calling my shot and picking the Rams to get off the schneid next week with a win at home over the Browns.

6. Chad Pennington - Yep, it's time for Kellen Clemens. It's also time to start scouting top 5 draft picks. The Jets clearly angered the football Gods last year with their fluke season and now it's time to even it out. They are a 4 win team eventhough they play the Dolphins and Bills twice. But I did dig those throwbacks yesterday. Eric Mangina needs to have that genius label stripped immediately.

5. Marvin Lewis (The Herm Edwards Memorial Spot) - If Herm is giving up his usual slot on this list at #5, it may as well go to the guy that was OUTCOACHED BY HERM EDWARDS. Marvin better update his resume because if I ran the Bengals, I would've shitcanned his ass at 4:30 yesterday afternoon. There is no excuse to lose to the Chiefs. There is no excuse to give up well over 400 yards to the Chiefs. Bye bye, Marvin. There is no excuse to have Carson Palmer at 1-4.

4. Matt Hasselbeck/Mike Holmgren - I'm just going to say it. The Seahawks suck. Hasselbeck turned in the worst 362 yard performance I've ever seen. He's erratic. He misses easy throws. He only scored 17 points against the Saints at home. Terrible. I don't think Mike Holmgren even watches the opposing teams film anymore. He is a bad coach. Not Herm bad, probably more like Coughlin bad. The NFC West is the worst division in football. The SEC laughs at the NFC West.

3. Tony Romo - I love watching this fag struggle. I love watching this fag lose. How can you like this guy? Seriously, he is such a douche bag. I was explaining to my dad on Saturday how much I hate Romo and he had the nerve to say that he actually liked him. Is it legal to divorce your parents when you're 27??? Anywho, I look forward to watching this queer suck more the rest of the season. Wipe that shit-eating grin off your face.

2. Brian Urlacher - Congratulations to Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson. That was amazing. With that one performance, you have just guaranteed yourself first round pick status in fantasy football leagues for the next 5 years. Amazing. That being said, the Vikings are the most one dimensional team in the league and Urlacher and the boys STILL give up well over 300 yards on the ground??? Tarvaris Jackson makes Tim Rattay look like Fran Tarkenton. Job well done, Bears, your season is over after week 6.

1. Santana Moss - You all know that whenever the Redskins lose, I'm putting their goat at #1. Yesterday, Santana Moss was about as valuable as a gunshot to the head. 0 catches, 1 rush for 0 yards. 1 pass that went right through his hands and into the Joe Good neck-breaking arms of Charles Woodson. 1 reverse that he fumbled after barely being touched which the aforementioned Woodson picked up and took to the house. He benched himself because he was terrible. Santana Moss, and to a lesser extent, Clinton Portis and the 21 offensive lineman that got hurt during the game, lost that fucking game. Our fucking sick-ass, bitchin' defense deserves better than that. Santana, that was putrid. There is no way that they should have lost that game. They are a much better team than the Packers. It's just so god damn frustrating. If they play with any fire at all in the second half against the Giants and Pack, they are fucking undefeated. Oh well, we get Rattay at home next Sunday. By the way, Brett Favre isn't very good.

I'm still so pissed off at the Redskins. Fuck. See you tomorrow if I don't kill myself during the Falcons/G-Men Monday Nighter tonight.

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