Thursday, October 04, 2007

Northerners/Native Americans Preview

Alright!!! The real playoffs finally begin today. I'm going to subjectively (as much as I can) break down the Yankees/Indians series. Look, we know who I'm going to pick to win but let's see what kind of nice things I have to say about the opposition. I'm taking the kid gloves off for this topic, no Joba Rules apply here. Let's get it on.

Offense - The Yankees have far and away the best offense in baseball. Baseball Jesus is the easy choice for MVP. From top to bottom, the lineup makes the opposing pitcher work for outs. The Indians have a decent 9; a couple of good players (Vic, Grady the Gay Guy, and Hafner), a couple of potentially good young guys (Assball Cabrera, Garko, Peralta, the Gutierrez that isn't Ricky), and a few journeymen (Blake and Lofton). Not bad, but you don't win championships with "not bad".
Advantage - Yankees

Defense - Joe Torre is going to be playing Mie--fuck it, I'm just calling him Dougie Mints--at 1B. Moving Melky to CF was the best decision Joe made all year. Johnny Damon and Kenny Lofton have equally terrible arms in LF. I'm not a believer in Peralta's glove at SS as well as Garko's range at first. The catchers are both dismal defensively. Jorge is good for a passed ball every other game and Vic thinks Damon has a good arm.
Advantage - Yankees (barely)

Starting Pitching - The Yankees have a few question marks here. Wang has been average on the road this season. Pettitte gave up 9 runs in 5 innings in his last start. Clemens can't figure out how to fill in his AARP application. Mike Mussina is an abortion survivor. Personally, I would start Hughes or Kennedy in a game 4 over Moose. Sabathia and Carmona have been lights out this entire season but I worry still. When was the last time either of these guys pitched a meaningful, nationally-televised game??? CC will be OK, I think, if he can stay away from Ponderosa before tonight's game. I think Fausto will get caught up in the lights and drop a 5 spot in the the first inning of game 2 though. Jake Westbrook and Paul Byrd are below average starters.
Advantage - Indians (but not by as much as you think)

Bullpen - The Yankees feature the greatest closer of all time even if he isn't as dominant as he once was. The Joba Rules are gone so they'll throw him every game if need be. Kyle Farnsworth needs to be shot. Luis Vizcaino is great when he's on. The Dueling Rafaels for the Tribe have been great this year. I don't see why that won't continue. And then there's Joe Borowski. I don't care how many regular season saves he had, he's the worst closer in baseball. I hope and pray that at some point, the Indians have a one run lead going into the 9th and bring him in. It's going to be hilarious.
Advantage - Yankees

Manager - Joe Torre vs. Eric Wedge sans mustache???
Advantage - Yankees (and it ain't even close)

Famous fans - Yankees (Billy Crystal, Giuliani, Alec Baldwin, Jack Nicholson, Sandler, LEBRON JAMES, etc.)
Indians (Drew Carey...maybe Halle Berry)
Advantage - Yankees

Non-famous fans - The Yankees have the "stereotypical loudmouth New Yorker". The Indians have that asshole John Adams who sits under the scoreboard and bangs a snare drum all fucking game. I've sat a section over from this chach before, it sucks. They shouldn't even let that guy in. Are you allowed to bring artificial noise makers into the game? Although they're gay, don't they give out thundersticks inside? Am I allowed to bring in an airhorn? Fuck John Adams. Fuck John Quincy Adams, too.
Advantage - Yankees

What's going to happen then, asshole? The Indians NEED game one. They have to have it. They can't drop yet another game to the Yankees. I've heard excuses all year about the season sweep about how the Yankees didn't face CC yet. And it would be different in October...yawn. OK. Prove it. They need this bigger than shit.

I think A-Rod has a decent series (1 homer, handful of ribeyes). Wang will give up 4 tonight. Pettite and Clemens will both be fantastic. Assball Cabrera will be a thorn in the side for the 'Stripes. Hafner will continue to struggle without his HGH. Sizemore will be too busy sizing up dudes in the stadium. Big Vic will go yard once or twice.

Enough already, what's the verdict? The Yankees win in 4. If they win tonight, they sweep. Like I said, this game 1 is waaaaaaaaay more important to the Indians than it is the Yankees.
***Note, I had the opportunity to go to both games 1 and 2 and turned it down. I don't need that shit. When a great Yankee fan like myself heads to enemy playoff territory (stealing a line from Rambo), you're only gonna need one thing...a good supply of body bags. I'd kill them all.

Other less meaningful series...
Red Sox sweep the Angels - Did you watch that? The Angels didn't even look ready.
Phillies over Rockies in 5 - This Rockies team makes me happy in the pants though.
D-Backs over Cubs in 5 - Brandon Webb is weaving...fuck it, I'll leave the dumbass spider references to an idiot like Chris Berman.

6 comments:

Jugs said...

How about those Indians? GO TRIBE! :)

J Beanie said...

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J Beanie said...

How annoying is that post!

GMoney said...

It's one game, Chach. Read my post, I predicted as much.

J Beanie said...

Did you just call me Chach? I like it. Haven't heard that since like 7th grade. Even if you predicted that the Indians would win, you have to admit you didn't see a 12-3 ass whopping coming. But I bet you did see A-Rod's two pop ups instead of key RBI hits coming.

Anonymous said...

looks like the yankees got fucked again.