Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I have had enough. I can't stand him. The constant pompous attitude has done me in. The lack of preparation and stupid commentary has worked my last nerve. This week's Middle Finger goes to none other than ESPN's resident retard NFL analyst, Sean Salisbury.
I was listening to the dreadful Jon Seibel on my way home from work yesterday on ESPN radio. Each Monday, he's live on location at wherever the Monday Nighter is at that week. Salisbury co-hosts the show with him. At 6 o'clock, they give a breakdown of the city they are in called "Mad Local Flava" (nice name). They were discussing what there is to do in Atlanta and they are so hip, they mentioned Ludacris!
Salisbury, for some reason, started talking about all the places he would go and who he would go with. He said that his friend "Claire" lives in Atlanta now and he would do all these things with her. He said that this "Claire" woman used to be a Dolphins cheerleader and that they were good "friends". Yet for some reason I get the feeling that if "Claire" was listening to him talk about her, she should be terrified. As much as he was name-dropping this mysterious cheerleader, she should probably file a restraining order against him.
Why would I think that? Well, after all, this is the same Salisbury that was suspended by ESPN for improper conduct. The allegation? Sean took a picture of his junk on his phone and was quite excited to show it to everyone at the company. You know, something that only a model citizen and employee would do. I guess this means that Salisbury is friends with local legend, T-Bone (guy keeps a picture of his dick in his wallet).
While half-assing my way through some Salisbury research this morning, his wikipedia page says that he makes over a million dollars a year from ESPN. What the fuck. This can't be true. ESPN does a LOT of things wrong when it comes to their suffocating NFL coverage and Sean Salisbury is one of the worst. He adds nothing to their broadcasts. His opinions are usually wrong, he is a smarmy asshole, he would do anything to floss with Brett Favre's jock. I hate him. One Million Fucking Dollars.
And how the fuck is Salisbury a quarterbacking expert anyway? He was a career back-up! If I need to know the best way to hold a clipboard or signal in plays, I'll ask for his opinion. Not for QB play. Tom Brady has more touchdowns after 6 games this year (20) than Sean had his entire career (19). I think Tony Banks is more qualified to criticize gunslingers. Salisbury breaking down quarterback play is like Brady Quinn discussing the mechanics of heterosexual sex. Or Charlie Weis talking about dieting. Or Mike Tyson running a seminar on financial responsibility. Man, I hate this guy.
How can you like a guy who was the "color commentator" on the awful Comedy Central show, Battle Bots? Remember that piece of crap? I'm sure it would have still sucked without him, but it went over the top with Sean.
So in conclusion, "Claire", if you are a real person and you subscribe to this greatness: Be careful. Be afraid, be very afraid. Because one day, Sean Salisbury is going to break into your house when you are out and tape pictures of his cock up on all your walls. You're going to be scared. You should be. Because when you check your bedroom to see if anything is missing, Sean's going to be there and you're not going to like what you see. That's right, he and John Clayton are going to be naked on the floor fighting robots to the death. That's just how he rolls.
So Sean Salisbury, you've pushed me over the edge this week. A million fucking dollars? Enjoy this mid-October Middle Finger. You've earned it.