Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Hump Day Hump


Every Wednesday, we here at The Money Shot run down some stories that aren't "full topic worthy" in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results are delightful.

This week, the "We're Moving On With Our Sports Life" edition.

That was one expensive-ass dogfight - An arbiter has rules that Mikey Vick is going to have to give a shit-ton of his signing bonus back to the Falcons for being a terrible employee. Good for them. But I'll tell you what, the Falcons need Vick badly. Maybe with this recouped money, they can spring for another high quality QB. Did somebody say Jeff George? Jeff Blake? Jeff Hostetler?

It's official, she's been lying for years - It's a bit old as far as news goes, but Marion Jones sucks. If memory serves me, she had been accused of roids numerous times and always defended her honor and saying the rumors were not true. Well fuck you, you scumbag whore. I hope the IOC takes your medals, records, and even your soul for this charade. You are a gigantic fraud. It's a good thing that sprinting is a pretty meaningless sport otherwise people might care.

A-Rod will play until he's 80 - Or that's what super-agent and uber-douchebag, Scott Boras, wants you to believe. Are you serious? Boras has guaranteed that Alex will play until he's 45, hit 1000 home runs, and break Bad Haircut Rose's all time hit record. I know you are supposed to promote your client, but come on. Do you have a crystal ball? Did you visit a gypsy who told the future? You have no fucking idea what's going to happen down the road for Alex so take it easy with the predictions. On a completely unrelated note, I have hired Boras to represent this blog. He is predicting that I will win the Nobel Prize and pass Deadspin in hits over the next month. Thanks, Scott.

Might as well put my Scott Boras hat on - Even though the playoffs are over (the ratings will show that America agrees with me), I may as well predict the outcomes. This will likely be the last playoff related article you read here. I like the Red Sox to put Indians fans in their place in 6 games (Manny MVP). I also like the D-Backs to beat the Rockies in 7 (Brandon Webb wins 3 games for the MVP). And that will lead to the worst World Series ever. Actually, any combination of these 4 will likely pop the worst ratings in World Series history. Enjoy Joe Buck, douchebags!!!

These guys are a lot better than chairs - Anyone catch the highlights from Yi's preseason hoops debut with the Bucks last night? He fouled out, scored 3 points, and got POSTERIZED by some guy who will be in the NBDL in a few weeks. Uh oh. Milwaukee may have made a mistake by drafting a Chinese stiff whose only highlights were showcasing low post moves in practice against desk chairs. On another Chinese basketball note (because we scour the globe here), John Hollinger has unleashed his player rankings for this upcoming season. His #1 player in the entire NBA...Yao Ming. Huh?

Indiana recruits fine citizens - Indiana basketball recruit, Bud Mackey (with a name like that, I expect he played for Norman Dale at Hickory High), was arrested for dealing cocaine in Kentuck-a. Oh, well played, sir. This is just another glaring example of my theory that athletes are the dumbest people in the world. And that Kelvin Sampson only recruits horrible character guys. A bit of advice to Bud Mackey...drugs are bad, mmmm-kay.

What the fuck? - This may be the most disturbing news I've heard in awhile, but Nick Nolte and his ho just had a kid. That's right, Nick Nolte is a father of a newborn. The 66 year old Nolte. THIS Nick Nolte.



Try to get some sleep tonight everyone, I know I won't. I'm too terrified.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're right. The baseball world was shaken to its core when the greatest thing to happen to baseball, the Yankees, were beaten. What are we as baseball fans going to do now that we won't be able to watch the Yankees? I mean, I put this on par with 9/11. The world just doesn't make sense anymore. I mean even though the Indians were by far the superior team, I just don't know if I can go on with my life. But I will try, along with the rest of America, to move on past this traumatic experience of not being able to watch the Yankees anymore. America, if we stick together we can get through this.

-Damman

J Beanie said...

Thanks Damman. I really needed that. I think I'll make it through this now.

GMoney said...

You guys are worse than Tigers fans. There, I said it and I mean it. Enjoy that stain.

J Beanie said...

At least we are still playing. Got to love bitter Yankee fans.

Anonymous said...

Say what you want, but the rest of us who aren't Yankee fans just get sick and tired of hearing about the Yankees. If they win, they are the lead on ESPN. If they lose, they are the lead on ESPN. The Indians got no respect before the series and they are still getting no respect even though they dominated the series. It just really pisses me off that it always is about what the Yankees didn't do. Maybe sometimes the other team was just better in all phases of the game. But nobody wants to say that. But I guess all the Indians can do is keep on winning and keep on getting no respect.

-Damman

GMoney said...

I don't care if you like it or not, the Yankees (and to a lesser extent the Red Sox) are the definition of baseball. It's the truth. They are the most storied franchise in the history of sports. Why would they not lead Sportscenter all the time? There are a lot of big personalities. There is a lot of turmoil. What do you want them to lead off the show with? The source of Wedge's facial ticks? Paul Byrd's strange delivery? Grady Sizmore's DSL's?

I've just realized something. Indians fans are Jeremy Shockey. Follow me here. You know how if Shockey catches a 5 yard pass that results in a first down, he acts like he just split the atom? You know what I'm talking about. After a semi-meanigful catch, he runs around and celebrates like he just won the Super Bowl. Well, that is you guys. You won a series. Good for you. It seems that you are so concerned about celebrating your "first down" that you fail to realize that there is still plenty of game left to be played.

Does this mean Wedge is baseball's Tom Coughlin??? Hmmm, I like it.

You fucking guys are insufferable. I can't believe that you are actually making me hope that the Red Sox win...and it takes a strong dislike for that to happen. Nah, I take that back, I'm rooting for terrorists to blow up Fenway during game 1. That's better.

Anonymous said...

Being an impartial observor to all of this (and not really giving a shit about baseball) I would have to agree with the Indians fans that it is really annoying to always have the Yankees as the lead story. I compare it to that pathetic team known as the Irish. If they suck they are headlines, if they are good (which hasn't been since the 90's) they are headlines. Yankees fans need to grow a set and acknowledge they straight up got beat down, just like those arrogant and self-rightous ND fans.

Nate

GMoney said...

Quiet you!!! Never compare those two.

Anonymous said...

Isn't this great!

-Damman

GMoney said...

This is bullshit. I didn't even mention the Yankees in my original post today!!!