Thursday, October 25, 2007

David Stern Must Be Ozzy Then???



With the NBA regular season tipping off on Tuesday, I figured why the hell not predict the season like I do with every other major sport? After all, I was pretty accurate last year. And although I did have the Suns as my #1 team, having the Spurs and Cavs ranked two and three is nothing to slouch at. But I’ve done some research. No, not Mark Stein-type research. No, no. I have scoured through tons of notes and crappy bands to assign each NBA team to a corresponding 80’s Hair Metal band. So without further ado, here is my prediction piece for the 2007-2008 NBA season.

The Eastern Conference:

15. The Indiana Pacers are DOKKEN – Jermaine O’Neal has to be jamming to the awesomeness which is Alone Again these days seeing that once again, he has no help around him. This team is going to suck a lot of dick, nice work, Larry Bird.

14. The Milwaukee Bucks are FIREHOUSE – The Bucks are praying to God that after the disasters of Andrew Bogut and Bobby Simmons, Michael Redd has finally found his Love of a Lifetime with Yi Jianlian. The over/under for Redd’s first injury is December 1.

13. The Philadelphia 76ers are FASTER PUSSYCAT – Faster Pussycat flat out sucks. The 76ers flat out suck. And whatever the hell the 76ers arena is called these days will surely be a House of Pain. Talent-wise, this is the worst team. But Andre Miller will keep them playing hard.

12. The Charlotte Bobcats are SLAUGHTER – Slaughter once sang “Up all night, sleep all day”. Which, if you’re hanging out with team figurehead, Michael Jordan, is likely what is going to happen. I like where this team is headed but injuries always seem to ravage them.

11. That Atlanta Hawks are TESLA – Tesla wants us all to know that “love will find a way” which is perfect advice for this up and coming team. Be patient with these kids, they are going to be good. They have the best young nucleus in the game.

10. The Orlando Magic are LITA FORD -- Kiss Me Once, Kiss Me Twice, Come on pretty baby, Kiss Me Deadly…kind of sounds like the Rashard Lewis signing, no? That contract is going to be the kiss of death for the Magic. There are still way too many holes on this roster.

9. The Toronto Raptors are BULLET BOYS -- Everything Chris Bosh does is smooth as shit. Which makes sense since the Boys only decent song is Smooth Up In Ya. I love Bosh, but his supporting cast blows. They had a fluke-y year last season, now welcome back to reality.

PLAYOFF TEAMS

8. The New Jersey Nets are RATT – Drafting a lifelong loser like Sean Williams, computer thief Marcus Williams, and known wife beater Jason Kidd on the team…I can just hear Wanted Man being played when they announce the starting lineups. While they are getting old fast, there is still enough talent on this tea mto get into the playoffs.

7. The Miami Heat are GUNS AND ROSES – Big, loudmouth lead singer (Shaq). The quiet, most valuable guy in the band on guitar (D-Wade). This comparison was easy. I kind of like the Ricky Davis trade since I’ve always felt that Antoine Walker was the worst player in the league. But that is contingent on Davis not killing anyone.

6. The Boston Celtics are EUROPE – All the pieces are in place now. For Doc Rivers and Danny Ainge, this is The Final Countdown. I just don’t see it. Between chemistry issues and Pierce and Allen’s injury bugs, I don’t see the Celts being THAT great.

5. The Washington Wizards are QUIET RIOT – No real comparison here, but I’m willing to bet these guys are just fun to be around and that Gilbert Arenas, much like Quiet Riot, spells come “c-u-m”. With a healthy Hibachi, they can win the East.

4. The New York Knicks are TWISTED SISTER – Dee Snider once appeared in court to explain the intricacies of his music. A few weeks ago, Isaiah Thomas appeared in court to explain why it’s ok to call an executive a bitch. This is my big surprise team this year. Zeke is a front office train wreck but the guy can coach. Look at that front line!!! Curry, Randolph, D.Lee, Balkman…intimidating.

3. The Cleveland Cavaliers are WHITESNAKE – Another slam dunk. Here I Go Again (On My Own) should be LeBron’s theme song. Thanks for getting him help, Danny Ferry. Even though I am a HUGE Cavs fan, I hate the dynamic of the team right now. Just pay Sasha and Varejao for one year each and let’s try to get back to the Finals!

2. The Detroit Pistons are WASP – WASP was known for throwing raw meat into the audience during their shows. Pistons fans are known for throwing shit at Ron Artest. WASP’s only decent song, Manimal, could also fit as a nickname for numerous Pistons seeing that none of them look human. Getting rid of Chris Webber is huge. Banking on NBDL all-star Amir Johnson is sad. Having Flip Saunders still as your coach is inexplicable.

1. The Chicago Bulls are SKID ROW -- Ummm, hello, Youth Gone Wild!!! Now, I should say that I don’t necessarily like the Bulls in the playoffs. But with Skiles keeping them focused and playing hard nightly, they could win the one seed. Now if they can swing Kobe…look out.



THE WESTERN CONFERENCE


15. The Minnesota Timberwolves are WARRANT – Warrant has a great tune called “The Down Boys”. Well, the Wolves are going to be going down a lot this year. Bringing in Antoine Walker just insured a top 4 pick in the 2008 NBA Draft.

14. The Sacramento Kings are WINGER – When you get a guy arrested for statutory rape, always remember that She’s Only Seventeen. If this team wants to be a playoff contender, Reggie Theus needs to bring in Anthony Anderson and the cute blonde PG from Hang Time.

13. The Portland Trailblazers are POISONEvery Rose Has It’s Thorn, bitches. Even though you are the Rose City (pun intended), Greg Oden’s thorn in the form of his 80 year old knees is going to mean a long-ass season. Hey, but at least you get to enjoy the Josh McRoberts Era.

12. The Seattle Sonics are BON JOVI – Whoa, we’re half way there…another season or two, maybe moving cities, and this team is ready to contend. Jeff Green is more than ready to play the Sambora to Durant’s Jovi. Durant is going to be sick. Robert Swift is going to look awesome.

11. The LA Clippers are GREAT WHITE – Shaun Livingston’s gruesome injury was once bitten. Now Elton Brand’s Achilles tendon makes Frankie Muniz twice shy. Nothing has gone right for the Clips this offseason. It’s going to be a long year.

10. The Memphis Grizzlies are SAIGON KICK – This team desperately needed a good, young PG and with Mike Conley coming in, Love Is On The Way. I kind of like Memphis. With Conley and Kinsey running point with Miller and Gasol, I could see them pushing it.

9. The LA Lakers are CINDERELLA – This is for the team and Kobe, you Don’t Know What You Got, Till It’s Gone. Just suck it up and make nice. You both made each other a ton of money, why change it?

PLAYOFFS

8. The Golden State Warriors are JACKYL – The Warriors tried their best to save the NBA in the playoffs last year. My suggestion this year: Have crazy Stephen Jackson go Jackyl on a ref by chasing him around with a chainsaw. Losing J-Rich will hurt more than they think. Hopefully, Baron can stay healthy. Mental Masturbation, anyone???

7. The New Orleans Hornets are KIX – I know nothing about Kix. They were the toughest team to do this for but they do have songs titled: Blow My Fuse, Don’t Close Your Eyes, and Cold Blood. Sounds a lot like Chris Paul. I really like the Hornets if they can stay healthy. I’m talking to you, Peja.

6. The Houston Rockets are MR. BIG – I’m The One Who Wants To Be With You…time for T-Mac and Yao to prove they want to play, and more importantly WIN, together. I like Aaron Brooks a lot, he should be able to push the offense and get these guys running.

5. The Denver Nuggets are THE SCORPIONS – Are AI and ‘Melo singing Still Lovin’ You to each other. I hope not. AI drama is hilarious. I’m not sure if/when K-Mart is coming back but these guys can make a move now that they are familiar with each other.

4. The Utah Jazz are STRYPER – A religious band? A mormon state? This stuff writes itself. By the way, Stryper is fucking terrible. I love me some Deron Williams. I hate me some Matt Harpring. I’m indifferent about Dee Brown.

3. The Dallas Mavericks are DEF LEPPARD – Ah, when you go all-in with Dirk Nowitzki, you’re Bringin’ On the Heartbreak. Don’t be fooled, he will choke. There needed to be more change here. Eddie Jones is not the answer. They’ll win a lot of regular season games, but once again they will fall short.

2. The San Antonio Spurs are KISS – A rock solid guitarist and a borderline flamboyant lead singer??? This formula seems to work with Duncan and Parker just fine. Is this the year that the Suns overtake them? Yes. I do realize that KISS is technically an arena rock band, but fuck you, it's my blog.

1. The Phoenix Suns are MOTLEY CRUE – The Suns are fun, crazy, always pushing it to the limit. That sounds a lot like Motley Crue in the late 80’s. FYI, read the Motley Crue autobiography, The Dirt. You won’t regret it. I’m picking the Suns again because I like to watch exciting hoops. I think Diaw will be back to himself this year and Nash will be able to rest more with Barbosa gaining more control.


As for The Finals, I like the Suns to get over the Western Conference hump this year and beat the Cavs in 5. After all, Motley Crue is much fucking better than Whitesnake anyway.

MVP – LeBron James – he’s going to have to do a LOT more this year…and he will
Coach – Scott Skiles
Executive – Sure as hell not Danny Ferry
Rookie – Kevin Durant
Rookie not named Durant – Aaron Brooks

6 comments:

Kyle said...

Mind blowing.

j Beanie said...

I didn't even know there was that many 80's bands. Impressive.

Kyle said...

If the Bobcats are Slaughter, Gerald Wallace is Blas Elias: totally overlooked because the band isn't that great, but brings the goods nonetheless.

Ray said...

Well done, sir. Golf claps.

Anonymous said...

Hair Metal bands have always sucked.

GMoney said...

Whoa, anonymous, whoa. As a guy that saw Motley Crue twice with in 5 months a few years ago, I beg to disagree. Go listen to Abba.