Ugh, I'll Have The Crab Juice

I don't claim to know anything about racing. I don't want to know anything about racing. Constant left turns do nothing for me. I don't consider driving a sport no matter what the media and the toothless want to tell me.

But I am mildly interested in the whole Dale Earnhardt, Jr saga. Yesterday, it was unveiled that Junior will be driving the 88 car next year (isn't that Dale Jarrett's number?). His sponsors will be Mountain Dew (which is fitting) and The National Guard. The National Guard, eh? Maybe I'm just ignorant, which I'm not, but does The National Guard have an advertising budget? Personally, I'd rather have our troops get better equipment than to see a guy with a 4th grade education have the logo stencilled on his car. But that's just me. I'm only one man. One incredibly awesome man.

I did some digging and found out who the other "players" were that were in the running for Junior's sponsor. Here they are...

***PETA - After the Michael Vick fiasco, PETA is now trying to curb NASCAR fans from eating roadkill.
***ADA - The American Dental Association has been trying for years to educate Southerners on the usefulness of a toothbrush. Watching NASCAR is the #1 cause of Gingivitis.
***The Merchant Marines - They were furious when they found out that The National Guard and their gigantic budget got involved in the bidding war.
***Busch Light - Why not mix the worst beer ever with the worst "sport" ever?
***FUBU - The FUBU ace marketing team felt that Junior could bring NASCAR into the hood. They would have been wrong.
***Levi Strauss - Levi's is unleashing a new line of Jean Shorts, or Jorts, this spring and since there is no place more popular for Jorts than the South, this would have been a perfect marketing tool.
***Old Grand Dad Whiskey - This whiskey should only be sold to the drunkest of drunks AKA the crowd at Bristol. And nothing goes better with Mountain Dew than whiskey (just ask my old college roommate, Downey Flakes).
***Red Man Golden Blend - Is there anything better than watching left turns with a big wad of chaw in your mouth? My father is also a supporter of Red Man (not the rapper).
***Vanessa Hudgens Naked Pic - NASCAR was really pulling for this one to win. They are dying to get the High School Musical fans/young masturbators. It would be great to see her young ass nude on his hood though. I may have even watched if only for a week.
***The FOX NFL Sunday Robot - His dad may have been The Intimidator, but is there anything more scary than this robot? Classic Fox. You gotta love it.


In conclusion, it sucks that Junior sold out to the highest bidder even though there were better fits out there. I'm still not going to watch this shit. Hee haw.