I'm just going to come out and say it, "I hate the MLB Home Run Derby."
It's too damn long. It's boring. 3 hours after it's finished, no one gives a damn. The guys you want to see jack some bombs always suck (see Howard, Ryan). ESPN's production is ridiculous at best. On a bit of sidebar here, how bad has ESPN been over the last few years? It's like now they are going out of their way to fuck with shit. Anyway, let's get started, my 5 biggest problems with the Home Run Derby.
1.) Chris Berman - I've been a Berman hater for a long, long time. His nicknames and general stupidity have cast a dark cloud over Bristol, CT for years. I hate that this moron acts like a batting practice homer is amazing giving his "classic" back, back, back schtick that wasn't cool in the 80's. It's a fucking BP dinger, Chris, get a fucking grip. Go listen to Huey Lewis or Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, or insert 1978 musical reference.
2.) The Rest Of The Booth - ESPN was at least smart enough to put 2 broadcasting titans with Berman in the likes of Dut Baker and Joe "Mike Fruth" Morgan. Were Tim McCarver and Dennis Miller not available? This has to be the worst three man booth of all time!!! I already shared my opinions on Mr. Green Jacket, but pairing him up with a twice fired idiot of a manager with NO personality and "The Black Carp" who obviosuly loves the way his voice sounds??? Incompetence at its finest.
3.) No Stars - I understand why people don't want to participate (see the ruined swing of Bobby Abreu). But when the guys they do get to do this are hitting about as many home runs as tonight's starting pitchers, I think we have a problem. Quit trying to force players down my throat that I don't care about, MLB. Yeah, I'm talking about Fagglio, worst MVP ever Morneau, Cecil Lite (soon to be Heavier), and Vlad. That's right, Vlad. Get a fucking personality and learn some god damn English. I would have rather watched a gay porno starring Papi, A-Rod, Bonds, Meat Loaf, and Chuck Norris then watch some of those guys hit BP. Ugh. I think Alex Rios and Matt Holliday will be really good...but I don't care now.
4.) Kenny Mayne - Enough is enough. We get it, you're a weirdo. You add nothing to broadcasts other than that pompous smirk. Go away. Mayne hasn't been funny in 8 years and he hasn't been relevant the last 5. Just go hang out with Hammerin' Hank Goldberg at the race tracks now, we're done with you.
5.) The Shaggers - This is pretty low even for this blog's already low standards, but seriously, could those kids trying to catch the flyballs be any more retarded??? THEY AREN'T EVEN CLOSE!!! They are missing fly balls by 15 feet and it happens EVERY year. My suggestion: If the shitty kids aren't going to come close to catching the pop-ups, why not replace them with homeless people or diseased hookers??? I can't be the only one that will burn in hell/laugh at a homeless guy shagging flyballs in his shopping cart or watching whores try to run in 8 inch heels. It would be priceless. Well whatever happens, those kids in the outfield flat out suck.
I guess I should predict the outcome tonight...after all, THIS TIME IT COUNTS!!!
American League wins 4-2. Jorge Posada wins the MVP. Justin Verlander is a massive douche bag. See you tomorrow.