Monday, April 09, 2007

I Couldn't Have Done It Without Jesus!!!

This kind of fits with what I'm going to be blogging about today, but it is one of my favorite movie quotes ever...from The Usual Suspects:

Agent Kujon: Do you believe in him, Verbal?
Verbal Kint: Keaton always said, "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him." Well, I believe in God -- and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.

OK now, lets get back on topic. I watched The Masters this weekend in horror. It was painful to watch. Bad shot after bad shot. No charge by Tiger. Phil completely fucking me over in my office Masters pool. Relative no-namer Zach Johnson outlasting the field. But the REAL things that bothered me had nothing to do with the golf. Nothing at all.

After his round, Johnson was interviewed by Peter Kostas and the first thing out of his mouth with something along the lines of "I'm a man of deep faith and I would like to thank the Lord for this." My BIGGEST pet peeve in sports. No, no. Not that the man is a God-fearing Christian, but that he believes Jesus was the reason he won...a golf tournament.

This used to be The Cris Carter Rule for me. When he is on the field and being interviewed, turn the fucking channel unless you want to hear about how God was the reason he caught a first down pass. It had nothing to do with his QB, the offensive line that allowed the pass to get off, the coach for calling the right play, the defense for sagging, or all the coaching he had received over the years to put him in the right place at the right time. Nope. It was Jesus that caught that pass for him.

Same thing with Zach Johnson yesterday. Nevermind that there are wars going on, people starving, an endless amount of women showering that he could watch, internet porn, etc.; God was guiding your hands while you were putting yesterday, Zach. It was painfully obvious that you were experiencing divine intervention on a golf course yesterday. If God really cared about your golf game, why do you only have 2 wins as a 31 year old??? This is ridiculous.

Here's another thing I don't understand about the Cris Carter's and Zach Johnson's of the world. What happens when they suck??? If Zach Johnson fires an opening round 80 in his next tournament, will he thank Jesus then? I doubt it. When Cris Carter started dropping passes, was it God's fault?

And what are they really saying anyway? If Jesus has their backs, are they implying that their opponents are devil worshippers??? Does Tiger Woods have horns, a tail, and a pitchfork? If so, congratulations, Team Heaven, on getting that W yesterday. But I have a hard time believing that.

Let me give the Bible-hugging athlete a little advice. Faith is important, I can understand that. But it isn't a reason why you win. Countless hours of practice, supports from family and friends, your equipment company, your sponsors, etc.; those are reasons why you win.

Here's what Zach Johnson's interview should've sounded like:
PK - Zach, how you feeling right now?
Zach Johnson - I mean, wow, this is amazing. (Now get into Oscars acceptance speech mode).
***First, I'd like to thank my loving wife for supporting me throughout the ups and downs of being on tour. I won this one for her and our little girl.
***I'd like to thank the hooker that let me anally violate her last night while my wife was watching the kid at another hotel. That really got me loose and relaxed. The wife doesn't allow that. I could've done without her peeing on my back though.
***I'd like to thank my mom and dad for supporting me all these years.
***To all my family and friends who have stood by me.
***To my crystal meth dealer, a special thank you to you.
***To Tiger Woods, for being just a little bit more awful than me this week.
And now you add it...
***And to God for making this all possible. Thank you.

Then Phil wipes away his breast sweat and puts on your green jacket. End of show.

Is that so hard? Thank the people that stand by you on a daily basis FIRST!!! Once again, I would like to reiterate that I am NOT anti-God, I am a hater of self-righteous, ignorant people.

Got some good stuff coming up this week. I'm going to rank my all-time Adrenaline-pumping songs and I'm hoping to get a guest post by Rune about his dinner in Vegas with WPT host, Mike Sexton.

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