Wednesday, April 18, 2007

2007 Mock Movie Football Player Draft

Thanks to my boy, Paddio, over at OCP for finding this little nugget of hilarity over at Enjoy.

Rk. Team Player, Pos. School (if applicable)
Movie Actor Comment

1. Raiders - Joe Kane, QB Eastern State (The Program) Craig Sheffer Shakes drinking problem to become first overall pick in NFL Draft.
2. Lions - Johnny Utah, QB Ohio State (Point Break) Keanu Reeves Despite knee injury at OSU, Utah's promise makes him a logical pick for Lions.
3. Browns - Johnny Walker, QB State (Johnny B. Good) Anthony Michael Hall Any other year, Walker may go No. 1, but this draft class is loaded at quarterback.
4. Buccaneers - Jimmy Sanderson, WR N/A (Any Given Sunday) Bill Bellamy The fleet Sanderson is this draft's most talented receiver, and is also lucky with the ladies.
5. Cardinals - Rod Tidwell, WR Arizona State (Jerry Maguire) Cuba Gooding Jr. Sure, the Cardinals are loaded at receiver, but why not add another talented pass catcher to the mix?
6. Redskins - Manumana, C Texas State (Necessary Roughness) Peter Navy Tuiasosopo Massive Manumana to help reincarnate the ol' Hogs in D.C.
7. Vikings - Charlie Tweeder, WR West Canaan H.S. (Varsity Blues) Scott Caan What will Tweeder do with all that pro football money? Drink beer, because that's what Tweeder does.
8. Falcons (from Texans) - Andre Krimm, DL Texas State (Necessary Roughness) Sinbad Teacher-turned-football player now headed to NFL to help solidify Falcons' defense.
9. Dolphins - Frank Cushman, QB N/A (Jerry Maguire) Jerry O'Connell Went No. 1 overall on Jerry Maguire, but falls to ninth among this talented cast.
10. Texans (from Falcons) - Willie Beamen, QB San Diego State (Any Given Sunday) Jamie Foxx Has tendency to get a big head and make bad rap songs, but Texans dig his playmaking ability.
11. 49ers - Fredrick A. "Ogre" Polowaski, DL Adams College (Revenge of the Nerds) Donald Gibb 49ers continue extreme defensive makeover by adding an Ogre to the mix.
12. Bills - Julian Washington, RB N/A (Any Given Sunday) LL Cool J Bills desperate to find replacement for Willis McGahee.
13. Rams - Bud-Lite Kaminski, OL Eastern State (The Program) Abraham Benrubi Protected Joe Kane in college, and will protect J.P. Losman in pros.
14. Panthers - Paul Crewe, QB N/A (The Longest Yard) Burt Reynolds (1974), Adam Sandler (2005) Football-player-turned-convict turns into Panther.
15. Steelers - Charles Jefferson, LB Ridgemont High School (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) Forest Whitaker Jefferson plays best when he's really, really mad. So, that makes Jefferson the perfect replacement for often-angry Joey Porter.
16. Packers - Darnell Jefferson, RB Eastern State (The Program) Omar Epps Showed promise as starting halfback as freshman for Eastern State Wolfpack.
17. Jaguars - Levander "Bird" Williams, QB Central H.S. (Wildcats) Mykelti Williamson Goes from playing for female coach in high school to working with Jack Del Rio.
18. Bengals - Steve Lattimer, DL Eastern State (The Program) Andrew Bryniarski Lattimer seems like the perfect fit for Cincy's trouble-making defense.
19. Titans - Stefen Djordjevic, DB Cal-Poly (All the Right Moves) Tom Cruise Titans may just need Steff to replace Pacman.
20. Giants - Spike Hammersmith, Athlete Urbania Cowboys (Little Giants) Sam Horrigan Did his best to bust up Little Giants, but now a Giant himself.
21. Broncos - Alvin Mack, LB Eastern State (The Program) Duane Davis Potential top-10 pick fell far down teams' lists after gruesome leg injury against Iowa.
22. Cowboys - Dreamer Tatum, QB N/A (Semi-Tough) Carl Weathers Who knows if Tony Romo can recover from his botched snap debacle in the playoffs. So, Cowboys would be wise to go with a quarterback, just in case.
23. Chiefs - Phillip Elliott, WR N/A (North Dallas Forty) Nick Nolte The Chiefs need a reliable target at receiver, and Elliott fits that role.
24. Patriots (from Seahawks) - Brian Murphy, TE Gallaudet (The Replacements) David Denman Worried about that free-agency departure of Daniel Graham, Pats fans? Don't be, Murphy will fill void real nice.
25. Jets - Stan Gable, QB Adams College (Revenge of the Nerds) Ted McGinley Just how long will Chad Pennington play? That makes this the perfect time to add Adams College's finest football flinger.
26. Eagles - Forrest Gump, KR Alabama (Forrest Gump) Tom Hanks Eagles hope Gump can bolster kickoff and punt return teams.
27. Saints - Bobby Boucher, LB South Central Louisiana State (The Waterboy) Adam Sandler Madman tackler goes to New Orleans so he can stay close to his mama.
28. Patriots - Lucy Draper, K Texas State (Necessary Roughness) Kathy Ireland Tom Brady's new love interest?
29. Ravens - Billy Bob, OL West Canaan H.S. (Varsity Blues) Ron Lester No defender will get around Billy Bob. As added bonus, can also catch ball on hook-and-ladder play.
30. Chargers - Becky "The Icebox" O'Shea, Athlete Urbania Giants (Little Giants) Shawna Waldron Put "The Icebox" next to "Lights Out" and you've got one fearsome defense.
31. Bears - Gavin Grey, RB Louisiana State (Everybody's All-American) Dennis Quaid Why did the Bears trade Thomas Jones? Because they knew they could snag a talent of Grey's caliber in this draft.
32. Colts - Trumaine, CB Central H.S. (Wildcats) Wesley Snipes Colts in dire need of a shut-down cornerback after Nick Harper's departure.

What we learned. Clearly, The Program is Da U of fictional football players.


Tart said...

Nice call on the "Little Giants"

Now this is a football draft I can get into.

Eb said...

That is awesome! Good redesign of your blog, minus the link to me. Guess I should write a little more.

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