After and incredibly terrible NFL prediction blog (Rod Marinelli coach of the year) and a mediocre NBA preview (seriously, the Clippers in the Finals and the Celtics in the playoffs), Old Lou Brown is here to help me with my baseball prognosticating and to give you guys a shitburger. We're just going to go division-by-division with a comment, more than likely not fact, about each team. You ready, Lou? Whoa, hold on a sec, Lou's got a guy on the other line about some whitewalls......ok, he's done. Let's get started.
THE AMERICAN LEAGUE AKA The Varsity
1. Yankees - Carl Pavano will set a career high in starts this year with eight. I expect a big (contract year) season out of my boy, Bobby "SWEET PEA" Abreu. You like the nickname I gave Abreu, Lou? "Fucking terrible".
2. Blue Jays - If manager John Gibbons can't beat up Ted Lilly, he better not even think about going after newly acquired DH and nutjob, Frank Thomas.
3. Red Sox - Lou agrees with me on this one...Dice-K is no match for DICE CLAY. Little Miss Muffett...EHHHHHH!!!!
4. Orioles - Kevin Millar = biggest douche bag in sports
5. Devil Rays - It really says something about your organization when your highest paid player of all time is...wait for it...here it comes...GREG VAUGHN!!! That's right, THEE Greg Vaughn.
1. Tigers - Ugh. This hurts. I would like to congratulate Justin Verlander for grabbing those endorsements from Mountain Dew, Spam, and Pabst. White trash asshole. Kenny Rogers should be locked in a cell with Saddam listening to nothing but Led Zeppelin while watching bad episode after bad episode of That 70's Show.
2. Indians - I have to ask Lou to leave the room on this one...he still can't believe that Eric Wedge is a manager at any level while he works at TireWorld. It's just not fair. Second place is the only place that Wedge can take this team.
3. Twins - Ron Gardenhire and Justin Morneau have to go and replace them with Timothy Busfield and the kid manager from Little Big League.
4. White Sox - This is the year that Ozzie Guillen's head explodes. I mean seriously, the guy has lived here for almost 3 decades and he speaks less English than Sammy Sosa at a steroids hearing.
5. Royals - This team would win the division if they brought back those powder blue uni's from the 80's and dug up the corpse of mustachio'ed submariner, Dan Quisenberry. Lou just said, "Kansas City has the best shitburgers in the country." OK???
1. Angels - This was really hard for Lou and I since they introduced the two worst things in the history of baseball not named Kenny Rogers: Thundersticks and The Rally Monkey.
2. Mariners - Looking at their roster, they're about a year away from relocating to Tokyo. Lou: "Damn Slopes".
3. A's - Added a queerbait in the offseason with the Mike Piazza signing...that can't be good. But they are looking to lead the league again in "most fans hit in the head with a folding chair by the opponents' worst middle reliever".
4. Rangers - Sammy Sosa. Sammy Sosa? SAMMY SOSA HOME RUN, LALALALALALALALA!!! That's what ESPN Deportes will be broadcasting four times this season.
THE NATIONAL LEAGUE AKA The JV
1. Mets - It's going to be tough to win games when your starters can't get out of the third inning. Kris Benson's gone and that takes away some distractions. Lou, what's your opinion on Anna Benson? "Batshit crazy, but I'd still wiggle-dunk those purple bulldog cheeks." Fair enough.
2. Phillies - I can't remember if they fired lovable hayseed manager Gomer Pyle--err, Charlie Manual. Lou, do you know about this? "Shut the hell up, Gmoney, I'm on the phone with Tony Cramer and we're comparing gravelly voices/awesomeness." I think Jamie Moyer is old enough to be Lou's dad.
3. Braves - Oh, how I long for the days when Ted Turner was doing "The Chop" in a very robotic fashion during playoff games.
4. Marlins - Hey, Lou. What do you think about stud 3B Miguel Cabrera? "I'm not a big fan of Latinos." But what about Cerrano? He helped you fake beat the Yankees. "Are you kidding? He was a basketcase. The guy couldn't hit an Eddie Harris batting practice curveball. Why anyone threw him a fastball is something I will never get." That's a great point, Lou.
5. Nationals - What a train wreck of a team, right Lou? "I'm tired of this nickel and dime bullshit!" Don't get us wrong, Lou and I know a ton about baseball but together we can't name 5 guys on this team.
NL Central or as I like to call it, The Turd in the Punchbowl:
1. Brewers - Eh, why not, it is Algonquin meaning "The Good Land" and it is the only city to ever elect 3 Socialist mayors. "What are you talking about? I thought we decided the Brewers would win because my tire distributor is in Milwaukee?" Right you are, Lou, my apologies.
2. Cardinals - Got to respect a manager celebrating his World Series win with a Spring Training DUI, right Lou? "I've had my share of DUI's, all great men have spent a night in the Drunk Tank." What do you think of Scott Rolen? "Gay version of Roger Dorn."
3. Astros - When your stadium is named after juice (orange, not Jose Canseco's book), you aren't going to have a lot of success. FYI, Lou just stepped out to take a "steak shit". Atta boy.
4. Cubs - You can't polish a turd. You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit. Whatever other metaphor you want to insert concerning a team that gives a bunch of bad players a lot of money and prays that it works out. It ain't happening.
***Lou's back...he's naked for some reason. "You're out of towels, and I'm too old to go diving into lockers!" Touche, I can live with it if you can.
5. Reds - Awful. "I once banged Marge Schott while she was throwing out racial slurs at Dave Parker. Her dog took a shit on my foot." That's an incredibly strange story.
6. Pirates - One of the best porno's ever. As Houck and Glick would say, "it's actually a good movie." Couldn't agree more. I'm gonna go hunt me some ppppppirates. "Are we gonna watch porn or what? I have Buttjammers XIV ready to go." Hold on, Lou, let's get this finished.
1. Dodgers - Personally, I love Chad Billingsley...local boy that played for the old man. Good stuff. Lou, what's your take on new leadoff hitter Juan Pierre? "He may run like Hayes but he hits like shit."
2. Diamondbacks - Thankfully, they rid me of having to cheer for Randy Johnson. Brandon Webb is my fantasy ace (my team name is Cory Lidle Airlines, suck it) so I have to give him props. "Randy Johnson. Now that's a haircut you can set your watch to."
3. Padres - No playoffs this season for Whale's Vagina. Lou, what do you think is the biggest weakness for the Padres this season? "They haven't signed Clew Haywood yet." Agreed.
4. Giants - Got to respect a guy that will die 20 years before he should to break a record. Big time Barry Bonds fans here. Lou, what's your take on San Fran? "Too many fags." Oh, Lou, you are too much.
5. Rockies - I still hold a grudge against Colorado from two summers ago when I actually paid to watch them play at The Jake and they only had 3 guys play that I had heard of...and one of them was DESI RELAFORD. "The Rockies is where I hunt bears." Thanks, Lou.
Playoffs? Is that what you said? Playoffs!
ALDS: Yankees over Tigers in 4, Angels over Blue Jays in 5.
NLDS: Mets over Brewers in 4, Dodgers over Phillies in 3.
ALCS: Yankees over Angels in 5
NLCS: Dodgers over Mets in 7
World Series: Yankees over Dodgers in 6.
MVP's: AL-Derek Jeter, NL-Jose Reyes
Cy's: AL-Johan Santana, NL-Chad Billingsley
Any final thoughts, Lou? "This old body could use a good soak." Sounds good.
FYI, it took me almost an hour to find a picture of Lou Brown (James Gammon).
Congratulations go out to my boy Aaron "Rune" Middleton and his fiancee, Holly, on their engagement.