Monday, February 19, 2007

NASCAR Racin'


Auto racing. I just don't get it. It's not something that transcends to me. It isn't fun to watch. The cars do the work. 99% of the fans consider a 6 pack of Busch Light as breakfast. To kill the boredom of the constant left turns, people pray for accidents!!! I'm told that "if you pick a driver to follow, you'll be a fan". Let's analyze this the way only G$ can.
1. It isn't fun to watch - it's the same exact thing for 4 straight hours, nothing new happens...unless you like watching cars pit to get gas and tires or have any idea what it means to be "slingshot" into the lead.
2. The cars do the work - I argued in a college class of mine that racing is not a sport due to this. I'm sure it's hard to drive fast and not wreck and stuff like that; but to me, sports require athleticism and skill, the skill is there for these guys but there is nothing athletic about sitting on your ass and shifting gears. I have a hard time believing that there is much difference between drivers; don't tell me that Tony Stewart is way more talented than Kyle Petty (Swihart's Boy and Richard Petty's son). It's all about the cars, baby.
3. 99% of the fans consider a 6er of Busch Light as breakfast - Now I understand that it isn't fair to consider all NASCAR fans as hilljacks. But at the same time, every story I hear about going to a race (Glick @ MIS, Rune @ Bristol, Stube Craig @ Daytona) is about how drunk they were for that weekend. It never fails. And another thing, it's BECAUSE of racing fans that the cut-off t-shirt business is still going strong. How about one more thing, NASCAR merchandise is so ungodly ugly (see Jeff Gordon's rainbow-wear). And I'm proud to admit that whenever I see someone with a mullet/pony tail/more than 5 tattoos, I immediately say to whoever is standing next to me, "guarantee he's a NASCAR fan". Let's switch sports, if I see a black guy I don't say, "guarantee he's an NBA fan". I apparently think it's easy to stereotype rubes and I'm fine with that.
4. People pray for accidents - See this I find weird. I've been in about 200 accidents over the course of my 8 years of driving and if I found out that someone was watching me drive and cheering when I flipped my car, I'd find them and kill them in front of their families. How horrible of a person do you have to be to want to see a car accident??? If the only reason you watch this stuff is for the wrecks, you need to turn the tv off and go to church because you could use some forgiveness. I'm talking to you, Swi-Daddy.
5. If you pick a driver, you'll be a fan - No I won't, but thanks anyway, Craig. I tend to feign interest in the events by rooting for guy's that everyone hates just to be a dick. I like to say I'm a big Jeff Gordon or Jimmie Johnson fan just to watch people get mad. It's great. I know nothing about racing but if you tell someone that you cheer for Jeff Gordon, they'll hate you. It's amazing how well it works.
"You may find this hard to believe, but I don't know as much about NASCAR as I lead on"--Buke, yesterday...he drew Harvick out of a hat to win his work Daytona pool and immediately thinks he's a racing aficianado. And I wish I could go a week without him talking about how he and Sam Hornish, Jr. are distant cousins.
Oh well, I promise this is the last time I will talk about NASCAR on this amazingly wonderful blog. It's hard to imagine that someone as sick as myself can go from Erin Andrews' lusciousness to Cletus the slack-jawed yokel...never again. I'm cutting off the mullet and getting back to the stuff that really matters later this week.

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