Monday, January 15, 2007

Plot Errors of a 20 Year Old Movie


Yesterday I was sitting on the couch flipping through the channels and stopped when I saw the Teen Wolf was on HBO. I hadn't seen the movie in at least 15 years and was jacked that it would once again be back in my life. While I did enjoy every damn minute of this classic (Scott Howard's buddy, Stiles (left), wearing his "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT DICKNOSE" t-shirt is unquestionably the greatest t-shirt ever), there were some inaccuracies in the comedy. Without further ado, here they are:
--first things first, the team that Michael J. Fox (MJF) plays on, the Beavers, is the worst team ever and no one would ever want to coach them
--the big guy on the Beavers, affectionately known as Chubby, would never play for any team...although I would like to see him play one on one against Anthony Anderson, the big fat black guy that played basketball on the excellent NBC AM show, Hang Time.
--a great guy like Stiles would never hang out with a dork like MJF. That being said, a guy with a "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT DICKNOSE" t-shirt and a teenage "werewolf" make a great pair.
--MJF totally wanted the hot, blonde drama actress (like every "nerd becomes cool" 80's movie) even though his dumpy friend "Boof" was much better looking.
--I'm pretty certain that when MJF came home and his dad and Boof were playing basketball, they had actually just "boofed" up in the old man's bedroom 10 minutes before that. You can totally tell in the dad's reaction that he wanted to hit the "Boofster".
--The hot blonde girl was only turned on to MJF when he turned into the wolf. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Most girls touch themselves when they see Chewbacca on tv.
--While MJF looked like Chewbacca, his dad when "wolf-ized" looked more like Jerry Garcia, which was odd.
--Wolf or not, no one can surf on top of a van (driven by the wacky Stiles).
--After the first game as a wolf, MJF and his entourage go into this high school pizza parlor and HE SHOTGUNS A BEER. Can you believe that? For all intensive purposes this place was probably like The Max in Saved By the Bell yet they have no problem letting a WEREWOLF SHOTGUN BEERS IN THE RESTAURANT.
--During the movie's "this team is getting pretty good because of Teen Wolf" montage, MJF starts stealing the ball from his teammates and dunking it. What a selfish prick. Teen Wolf was Iverson before Iverson was Iverson.
--The blonde drama chick dumps her boyfriend, Mick McAllister, who just so happens to be the worst actor ever. More on Mick later.
--During the championship game, MJF shows up IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIRST HALF AND NOT AS TEEN WOLF. Yet the coach puts him in right away. I would've sat his ass on the bench for being selfish.
--Why would he not want to be the wolf anyway? It's the god damn championship (of what I have no idea, but it was for the title of something), if he really wanted to win, he would've put the team above himself and "Wolfed Up"
--Of course, the opposing team (the Dragons) have Mick McAllister on the team and he pretty much kills MJF, in all his rediscovered dorky glory, every time he takes the ball to the rim.
--The Beavers are getting molested by the Dragons but every time they score, they act like they just won the lotto...there is a nice 80's montage here which includes a few Chubby set shot jumpers.
--I should add that during the game, Stiles is selling Teen Wolf t-shirts in the crowd and is wearing a Teen Wolf visor...what an amazing guy!!!
--Fast forward to the end of the game where #45 for the Beavers who I believe is nameless is pretty much blocking EVERY shot that the Dragons are taking. But the kicker is that he's doing it not from in front of the shooter, but on the side and behind. And he does it like 4 damn times. Any decent referee would've nailed him for at least 2 fouls!!! More on the officiating in a second.
--Anyway, the Beavers are down 1 with like 10 seconds to go and MJF has the ball. He takes it to the rack and Mick absolutely MURDERS him on the foul for his 5th foul to knock him out of the game. Where was the flagrant foul? If ever a foul was malicious, it was this hammer job. Mick has fouled out, right? WRONG.
--While MJF is lining up for his free throws, MICK IS STANDING ON THE BASE LINE STARING AT HIM AND TALKING SHIT. Why didn't the referees make him get to the bench? Who's reffing this game, Rick Small???
--Anyway, the non-wolf Teen Wolf hits both free throws (MJF has the worst shot ever) and the Beavers win. Everyone charges the court, MJF realizes that he wants to boof Boof instead of the blonde broad, and Mick McAllister (nice name) is a wreck.
--FYI, at the end of the celebration, and I heard about this on VH1's missed mistakes show, there is a guy in the stands with his dick hanging out of his jeans. I caught it yesterday which made for a good chuckle as the credits rolled.
All in all, Teen Wolf is flawed, but still a classic. And remember, when someone won't quit staring at you, just take the advice of Stiles and say "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT DICKNOSE".

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