Tuesday, September 19, 2006

How to Fix a Broken Toilet

Let me preface this post by saying, I LOVE MIAMI. I consider it the greatest university in the world and one of the best places to live. Everything about it, I'm in. And along with that, the athletic programs are always on my mind. Some people that go to "smaller" schools do not have the same loyalty as I do which I find to be a fucking joke. When people ask me, what's your favorite college team, I always answer "my Redhawks."

That being said, the lowest point of my Miami-loving life was achieved this weekend when my beloved Redhawk gridironers (not a word) lost AT HOME to KENT FUCKING STATE. I have never been more embarrassed. This has officially replaced the Jon Wauford knocking out the Marshall fan after the game in 2002 as the ultimate "just want to cry at our patheticness" moment. This is truly abyssmal. For a program that three years ago when Big Ben was playing his last game was on the verge of being the next mid-major to break through and establish itself as a player in the college football landscape, this is absolutely bollocks.

And here I am now, 4 days after Kent State mule-kicked EVERY ALUMNUS in the dick, with my list of ways to bring Miami back to the top of the MAC and a force to be reckoned with once again.

1. Fire Shane Montgomery
-----I like Shane, I really do, but he has flushed this program down the toilet in only two years. Too many losses at home and poor decisions leave me no choice but to recommend his termination. Solution: Hire a big name coach. I can't believe I am suggesting to follow their lead, but look at The Ohio's. Frank Solich has brought a solid reputation and excitement back to a cesspool of a program. Possible candidates: Mike Ditka (in a dream world), Rick Neuheisel, Bob Davie, Wayne Fontes, Joe Gibbs. Joe Gibbs would be sweet.

2. Utilize the alumni
-----Miami alums for the most part are freaking loaded. Get some money. Go out and start going after some players. Not just players that Toledo and BG go after. But not necessarily who Ohio St. and Michigan go after. I'm saying to go head to head with the Indiana's, Illinois's's's's, Louisville's, Kentucky's and whatnot of the world. Playing time is what matters. If athletes are good enough to play in the NFL, they will be found. Just go out and tell these kinds of recruits, why would you want to go to a program that will win maybe 10 games in 4 years, when you could come to Miami and win 10 a year and go to bowl games every year. So what I'm saying is for the alumni to open up their purses and allow the program to recruit outside of southwest Ohio. There are only so many kids with talent in the area, get on some fucking planes and be aggressive.

3. Utilize the alumni pt. 2
-----The most famous player in Miami history is currently one of the most popular players in the NFL. That being said, bring Big Ben in every summer to talk to potential recruits, have him remind everyone that you don't have to go Big 10 to make it big, and make sure he brings his Super Bowl ring with him. How could this not affect at least a few recruits??? As a recruit on a visit, what would you rather see, a Super Bowl champion QB or a picture of Jared Lorenzen giving Tubby Smith a hard-on??? This could also work for Redhawk basketball with Ron Harper with his handful of rings and/or Wally coming in.

4. Play the right schedule
-----With the exception of this season, Miami always play at least one incredibly impossible game per season in which they get to play Michigan/OSU, be on TV, and get absolutely embarrassed. Not necessarily the right kind of light to be shined on the program. I recommend the "Toledo Rule". Schedule a couple low end teams from BCS conferences, play them during the week to get on ESPN, and beat Kansas/Missouri/Pitt/Iowa St. Then people get up in the morning, turn on Sportscenter, and see that damn, Miami beat a Big 12 team last night. This happens every year to Toledo. They beat some team that ends up finishing 3-8, but at the time they defeated them, people think "huh, that's interesting". It works and people remember when you beat schools that are much bigger that on paper, you shouldn't be beating.

5. Ugh
-----Whatever. My fellow graduates have accepted losing and are making me out to be a martyr. I'm dying for all of our football program's many sins. Thanks for the hits today.

Well, there it is, how I would fix the Redhawks. I was even going to recommend to start paying recruits but I don't think that that is as necessary as going after the right players and not settling on a team of white guys. This is college football, not Napoleon High School.


AJGerk said...

I enjoy the recommendations and have submitted them to my connections in the athletic department... You will hear from them in 3-5 business days.

I especially agree with the Toledo Rule... that and Toledo also heavily follows the Black Rule. They always beat someone you don't expect on paper...

Anonymous said...

"5. Black up."

You must have been Jimmy The Greek's biggest fan. EVAR.