Monday, July 31, 2006

One of the Best Comedies Ever...

So Saturday night in the hotel right before pass out, Damman and I start trying to re-recite lines from Moving. If you haven't seen it before it's one of Richard Pryor's funniest roles ever. His character's name is Arlo Pear for fuck's sake! Basically, Pryor and his family are moving from Chicago to Boise and run into all sorts of crazy scenarios. Hopefully I can have a similar experience during my move. Also starring Stacy Dash as Pryor's daughter, Randy "Cousin Eddie" Quaid as the insane neighbor, and Dana Carvey as a schizo with multiple personalities (D, his name is Brad Williams, not Brad Hopkins). Anyway, just want to throw this out there for anyone that cares as it does feature the amazing acting skills of King Kong Bundy.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

The King of the Look-a-likes

Just got back from Put-In-Bay, great night, Wally and the Beavs ruled, The Menus sucked. I ran into my uncle at the Jet Express line which was definitely a shocker. No stories, sorry, everything stays on the island. One thing for sure is that my "that guy looks like" was top notch. Saw a guy that looked like Bernie Lomax from Weekend at Bernies and a shoe-in twin of Jim Furyk. Buke blacked out and lost his phone and his sense of direction. Swihart was loaded, good times.

Bobby Abreu is a Yankee now. I can work with that.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Drunken Nonsense or Lesser Known Superheroes?

So at work today I had an interesting exchange with Dan the Progressive claims services rep. Dan and I have the same kind of sense of humor and he's big metalhead as his favorite band is, and I'm not making this up, Anal Cunt.

Dan: You've got two returns out there, Mike Lamboy and Dale Utterback.

Me: Lamboy and Utterback?

Dan: Yeah.

Me: Lamb Boy and Utter Back...that sounds like the shittiest crime-fighting duo ever.

Dan: They protect and serve petting zoos.

Many laughs were shared over this bit of immaturity. Dan even drew a picture of what these two would look like, a walking young lamb and a guy with utters on his back...priceless.

But anyway, it got me thinking of senior year Spring Break in South Carolina when Jeremy "Thee Assbag" Galante and I drunkenly came up with our own tv show. Pictured above is the world famous Commander Zodiac of Hilton Head, SC. We were walking by his business, which I guess is boat tours, and came up with this most interesting premise for a buddy comedy. Mr. Fin, the talking dolphin pictured above, and Commander Zodiac would "run into each other accidentally" every week where a surly Zodiac would receive help with all of life's problems from the ever so wise, yet sarcastic, Mr. Fin. It would be great, I think Mr. Fin has a British accent too, and Zodiac is half-drunk every episode. I'm not sure if the people on the boat could hear the dolphin talk or if it was just the Commander. Either way, this story is best read never. I'm not quite sure why this was posted. Go fuck yourself, Put-In-Bay tomorrow.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Get Over Yourselves...

I've been listening to Browns fans all day saying that LeCharles Bentley's knee injury is going to ruin their season. Let's get back to reality, this injury isn't going to keep the Browns out of the Super Bowl. They suck anyway. It always sucks to lose a pro-bowl player before the season starts (the Skins lost Jon Jansen in the first preseason game 2 years ago), but the Browns were still going to suck even with a good center. Fucking stupid Browns fans. This was a 6-10 team with Bentley, they're a 6-10 team without Bentley.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

A Third Post Today?

Yeah there are two "gay" issues I need to share with you. First, look at this picture. You would never guess that the guy on the far right is the heir apparent at QB at Notre Dame after Brady Quinn. Yep, Notre Dame recruit Jimmy Claussen rocking the banana hammock!!!

The other issue of the day is Lance Bass coming out of the closet. This is a true shocker. How can the John Wayne of our era be a cocksucker...LITERALLY. Ridiculous. Lance Bass was the model of manliness for years. I just don't know what to think.

The 9th Wonder of the World...

So I'm at work Saturday afternoon and I get a text from Rune. Here is how our conversation went.

Rune: At RFK, watching the Cubs kill the Nats and take control of the NL.
Me: I'm sorry.
Rune: Our seats and this stadium suck.

An hour goes by...


I was in awe. I have no idea how that is even possible or what he meant but the no-handed pee is one of man's greatest inventions. You've all seen "that" guy. The guy that's too tired to hold "himself" while he pisses and instead rests both his arms on the wall above the urinal and let's the piss fly, trusting the trajectory of his expulsion to find all urinal and no innocent bystanders. This act would most likely be performed by war veterans or truckers or just plain blue-collar guys.

But what does Double No-Handed Piss mean? Does he have 4 arms? Was he two fisting beers while doing a no-handed piss? Was he playing "swords" with a fellow no handed pisser? Any help on this would be appreciated.

**The No-Handed Piss is the 9th Wonder of the World because we all know that Andre the Giant is the 8th.

A Fitting Tribute

As some of you know, my grandpa passed away due to cancer in December. Dad forwarded this article from the Van Wert Times Bulletin and it's pretty touching. It's amazing how long it's actually been since he passed on and makes me miss him even more.

A 50-year journey inspires weekend

Whether you call it a journey, a mission or an adventure, using sports as his medium, Don Bachman made a lasting impact on the youth of Van Wert County for 50 years. During those five decades, Bachman served as Little League coach, umpire and league official for the Northwest Conference. In December 2005, Bachman succumbed to cancer, but he left behind an enduring legacy of sportsmanship and fair play, a legacy that has been recognized by the city of Van Wert and the Van Wert Youth Baseball League.Van Wert City Council renamed baseball field #2 at Smiley Park the Don Bachman Field in his honor. Tipping their hat in respect to the veteran sportsman, the Van Wert Youth Baseball League is hosting the first annual Don Bachman Memorial Baseball Tournament beginning today and continuing through Sunday.

It's fitting that a baseball field at Smiley Park is now called the Don Bachman Field. According to Rick Bachman, Don's son, Don was the president of the Parks and Recreation Board when Smiley Park was still n the planning and construction phases. "I remember Dad coming home with plans of how they were going to build the fields," Rick said, noting that his father was concerned about things like how to best place the fields to keep the sun out of a player's eyes.Don was active in sports during his school years at Minster High School and became the school's first quarterback for their brand new football team around 1949 or 1950. After graduation he worked for a Sidney newspaper as a sports writer. Moving to Van Wert in 1956, Don coached Little League teams for his four sons, Rick, Randy, Ron and Rob.

All in all, Rick said, Don coached little league for 20 years, 14 of which he spent coaching his son's teams. As a Little League coach, Don was a positive influence in many young men's lives. "Don coached Little League for more years than I can remember," said his wife Nancy. "He's remembered with great respect by all the young men who not only played for him, but many who played in games he officiated, which included football, basketball and of course, baseball, which was his first love."Don was active in basketball and football, but Rick noted his real passion was baseball. "He was adamant about getting kids to play baseball," Rick said, noting it was Don, along with Lou Brunswick, who started the ACME Baseball Congress in the late 1960's. The congress started out with 18 teams and now has over 300 teams.

During this whole time, Don also served as an Ohio High School Athletic Association official for football, basketball and baseball. Don also served as a NCAA baseball and football official and was a charter member of the Midwest Buckeye Officials Association. He also umped at college games within a 100-mile radius of Van Wert. Beginning in 1975, Don served as the secretary for the Northwest Conference until he became too ill to continue.It was his job to assign all officials for the 12-team conference of high school sports. In 1989, he was inducted into the Ohio High School Athletics Association Officials Hall of Fame. In 2005, Don was inducted to the first class of the ACME Baseball Congress Hall of Fame. "He was such a good balls and strikes umpire, he did the Boys Triple A state finals 25 years," Rick said. "I always felt he was the best umpire in the state. My brothers would agree."Nancy recalled, "Don was very dedicated for many years in working with the youth of Van Wert county. He was always fair, not only in his coaching, but in games he was officiating."Don was also a good friend of Galen Cisco. They played baseball together on a team in Botkins, Ohio. Their goal was to make it to the big leagues, Cisco as a pitcher and Don as a catcher. Cisco went on to play in the big leagues. Cisco is speaking in the opening ceremonies at the Don Bachman Memorial Tournament. Rick noted that Don was always on a board somewhere, "He was always active. He was involved in everything all the time. That's the outstanding thing," he said.

Don was a lifelong Democrat and served on the Van Wert County Board of Elections. His biggest thrill as a Democrat, Rick said, was meeting President Bill Clinton. "Randy took him to the White House on Ohio Day at the White House and he met Bill Clinton. He was a staunch Democrat," Rick said. "He did a lot for the Democrats in town.""His is work with the Democratic party was very important to him and he took it very serious that even the Van Wert area was an important part of the political system," noted Brenda Weaver, Democratic Central Committee Member from Ohio City.Don also served on the Van Wert Planning Committee and was a long time volunteer with the Red Cross Bloodmobile, the Moose Lodge and the Knights of Columbus. And, if you stop by the I Don't Care Grill, you can treat yourself to a Bachman Bologna sandwich. The restaurant's owner Harry Warnement, was a good friend of Don's and named the menu item after Don because it was one of Don's favorites."I guess what attracted him and I together, he was a Yankees fan and I was an Indians fan and he was a Democrat and I am Republican and we argued, fussed and fought all the time about this stuff," Harry remarked. "He was a good guy, liked to be around young people. He would come out (to the restaurant) on Fridays and Saturdays and all the young people would come up and talk with him. He always had time for everybody," Warnement said. "He was just truly a great guy."

Rick also said that Don instilled the importance of supporting youth in sports in Van Wert in his four sons. This all came about during a discussion between Don and his four sons during Don's illness. The boys took it to heart and helped sponsor a new team, the Mastodons, "the Dons" for short, a nickname, which pleased his dad. Players got their uniforms last week.This weekend's events honoring Don is very important to his family. "This means a lot to us," Rick said.

In addition to his four sons, Don also had seven step-children, seven grandchildren, 12 stepgrandchildren and 14 stepgreat-grandchildren. The Bachman family is putting together a collage of pictures and articles for the opening of the tournament on Friday, which begins at 4:30 p.m. at the Don Bachman Field. Proceeds from the tournament will go to the Van Wert Youth Baseball League.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

You're not watching it, but you should be

Rescue Me is on tonight. It is one of the best shows on tv and easily the best show during the summer. 10 pm, Fx, be there.

Just heard that that lesbian look-alike, AJ Hawk, got married to Female Brady one outside of Columbus cares and if they do, they shouldn't.

T minus 3 days until Put-In-Bay...

Monday, July 24, 2006


1. Alex Rodriguez sucks donkey balls. Quit being a little bitch, man up, and get over your faggy problems.

2. Tiger Rules. I predicted his win and the background stories with he and Chris DiMarco were very touching. Although it was awkward to see his caddy, Steve, try to pull away from Tiger during their hug...TWICE.

3. Give it up to Peter Aliss for saying that Tiger's patience could be due to his "oriental" background. Yeah, that's not offensive at all. They're called "Chinamen." HA!

4. Entourage was stupid last night. Give up the E/threesome angle, it's played out. Give me more Drama with Lloyd as his agent...that's just good stuff. Ari's wife is freakin' smoking though.

5. Deadwood is really starting to move up my list of favorite tv shows. I learn more every week and Ian McShane is an amazing actor that says "fuck" in every sentence.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Post-weekend thoughts

Just got back from Columbus where the beginning of the move process has been initiated. Got good word from Tart that we may have a condo in Hilliard. Great news.

Also found out from Buke that we DO have a place to stay at Put-In-Bay next weekend...thank God, as I thought I would be sleeping on a boat dock with leeches all over my creamy, pale self.

Gabi and I ate at The Cheesecake Factory last night...incredible.

Bought the book Kiss: Behind the Mask last night which I'm sure will be a tremendous read...and it was only 6 bucks. Nothing like reading about Gene Simmons' sexcapades.

Entourage is on tonight which leads me to a quote from Johnny Drama last week that is still making me laugh.
"E, when opportunity knocks, you let her the fuck in. And for God's sake, let her go down on your girlfriend."

Friday, July 21, 2006

Quick pre-weekend post

Real quick as I am currently packing boxes t ostart the whole moving process to Columbus.

1. Got my Clinton Portis jersey yesterday...sickness. Hail to the Redskins.

2. While everything on tv seems to be better in high-def, I am not interested at all in high-def porn. No need to see pixelated shots of moles and ass acne and whatnot. High def and porn do not go together.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Ranger Rick is back!!!

The British Open tees up tomorrow and once again I will be pulling for Tiger. This is officially the one year anniversary of Tiger's awful "I felt like Ranger Rick out there" speech. While I am a HUGE Tiger fan, that definitely goes down as one of the most awkward comments in press conference history as Tiger tried to be funny yet not one person laughed.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Charo? Why Charo?

I've always been a huge fan of VH1's I love the series'. Watching these programs helps me know way more than you do about pop culture. Anyway, while watching the recent I love the 70's Volume 2 last week (which was hilarious, much better than the I love the 90's which felt like all the contributors mailed it in), I noticed that they talked to Charo a lot. This made me wonder, "What the fuck is Charo famous for?" I search and find that she did some guest spots on Love Boat and Fantasy Island in the 70's and 80's but nothing really stable as far as work goes. Can someone tell me why her opinion is sought after for my beloved series on VH1! She has made a "career" by spewing out lines like "cuchi cuchi" and not learning English at all. She sucks and she looks like she's completely plastic. Charo hasn't had consistent work ever and my boys at VH1 put her on the damn Surreal Life!!! She couldn't carry Ron Jeremy's jock. Alright, I'm completely off topic since I've forgotten about how much I hate Charo and how regretful I am at not getting a picture taken with Ron Jeremy when I saw him at the Vegas airport.

My final take on Charo = Mexican Retard

Monday, July 17, 2006

Hell's Kitchen Rules!

Hell's Kitchen has turned into one of my favorite shows of the summer. Chef Gordon Ramsay is absolutely hilarious. I loved it when that idiot screwed up and Ramsay yelled "GIACOMO!!! You're a fucking donkey!"

From a few weeks ago when that slob Tom got kicked off, it was amazing that he was shocked when he didn't even know how to fucking cook!!!

Prediction: My rule for reality shows is always back the one that you connect with the most. When no one on the show is like that, root for the hottest girl. Virginia is the hottest easily. She is my pick and has a sweet rack...of lamb.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Movie Review: Pirate of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

I didn't even watch the first PotC movie until a few months ago and the only reason I did is because Dead Man's Chest was predicted to be the biggest movie of the summer. The first one was average-to-good but DMC was phenomenal. I was very impressed. You would think that Disney doing movies about pirates would be terrible, but no so. Really enjoyed it and the 2.5 hours just flew by. Couple thoughts:

1. Johnny Depp's character, Jack Sparrow, looks an awful lot like the old Tampa Bay Bucs logo. You know, when they wore the creamsicle orange and red.

2. Keira Knightly, who I found wicked annoying in the first one, is amazing. Hot as hell.

3. Stellan SkarsgÄrd (Bootstrap Bill) and Geoffrey Rush (Barbossa) are amazing actors. Best actors in both of those movies by far.

4. Finally, I love the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but Orlando Bloom sucks. He looks like a woman and he acts like a pussy. When he tries to be "tough" he looks more pathetic than anything.

G$'s rating = A-...would've been a straight A if they had cast anyone besides Orlando Bloom (nice name, homo).

Other movies I've seen this summer and a quick grade and comment. We'll start with the best movie I've seen, not counting Pirates or Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

1. Mission Impossible III B+...laugh all you want but the movie was pretty sweet.
2. Inside Man made me jump on the Clive Owen bandwagon.
3. Nacho Libre C...not as funny as I hoped.
4. The DaVinci Code D+...the book sucked so I don't know why I thought the movie was going to be better. Actually fell asleep during it.
5. Poseidon D-...a D- only because it was nice to see Kurt Russell back on the screen. Completely an F movie though. Josh Lucas blows Orland Bloom.

Z in Iraq

This pic was taken in February when Z was still in Iraq, but now that I have a forum that I comment on, I would like to say:


Johnny Black with son...

Is it just me or does this look a Cops episode waiting to happen??? Put a shirt on, John!!!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Dawn of a New Era...Online

It all started at Joe and Trisha Good's wedding reception. While talking sports/whatnot with a Mr. Nick Eberle, I admitted to him that I read his blog. He was impressed and told me that it's easy to do and you can talk about anything you want. I thought, an open forum to discuss all of my insane wacky views on life? Sign me up. So I'm in. I'm officially an internet knob that thinks their blog makes an actual difference in anyone's life. But I will prove you all wrong...I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE, like that idiot that traded a red paper clip into a house. It took a year and many trades with equal if not greater losers, but he got a house. I am completely off track.

So. This has been a terrible week. If VH1 had a "Worst Week Ever" show, I would be the opening topic. Let's list the great things that happened.

1. Monday I take my car in to get fixed because it sounded like a damn helicopter. $150 bucks later, I have a new exhaust system pipe.--Note, three weeks ago I dropped 450 bucks on a new front axel and radiator.

2. Tuesday, I came to the realization that I can no longer sleep in my bedroom because it's way to f'n hot to get a decent night I'm back on the futon. Awesome.

3. Thursday, I am heading home for lunch, my car won't start. Bad starter. $250 more bucks. Fuck that. In less than a month I have dropped $850 bucks on my piece of shit AFTER I have said that I will never put another dime into that car. It's amazing how expensive getting from home to work can be.

4. Yesterday, and this hilarious, shit, I have to give some background on this. So, I work for Enterprise Rent-A-Car inside a Progressive Service Center. Basically, we provide all of their accident victims with replacement vehicles. Well, they tell me that this one lady's car has been finished for a week and that we should go get it because she won't return any of their calls. By get it, they mean repo the thing. I love repos. There is nothing better than taking stuff from losers that doesn't belong to them. It's great, I have no sympathy for shitheads. "Fuck 'em"--The Bernie Bokerman Theorem. Anyway, I run the show for Enterprise and I have an intern and a car wash guy (porter) working for me and I send them out to get this scumbag's car back. They get back 30 minutes later and the intern looks like he just shot Lincoln. I asked him if it went smooth. He told me that the garage door was open, the keys were in the car, the driveway was blocked, and he took it out of the garage and drove half through the yard to get it back. Hilarious. I was straight rolling on the ground laughing. The intern is such an honest and innocent kid. Well, stealing cars back in marginal neighborhoods will make you hardened. Then it hit me that I was going have to deal with this lady and her husband/pimp. When the car gets back, I always look through it just because if I don't, and don't see if there is anything valuable in there, they can say that there was and accuse us of stealing. So upon inspection, the trunk featured dirty daipers and a stroller, the back seat was consumed by baby clothes and other stuff that is for people 25 years younger than I am. The front seat was a different story. Right there, right in the f'n cup holder was a bag of weed with a recently used bowl right next to it. Great, I'm dealing with a pothead. So they come in, I'm talking to them, basically blaming Progressive for having the car repo'd. I told them I would wave any fees to have that filthy ass car detailed as long as they got all of their shit, and I mean shit, out of the car. Thinking the situation was resolved, I go back in the office when one of the Prog. people tells me that the husband wants to talk with me. Fuck, almost made it. I get out there and he says that he had $45 bucks in the cupholder and that we stole it. Fucking liar. There was no cash in there. Then this thug fuck tells me that his "medicinal" marijuana is missing as well. I basically told him that his "medicine" was still there and that he was lying. Side note, medicinal marijuana is not legal in Ohio I am told. He tells me that he wants the name of the guy that took the car so he can talk to him and that "someone is gonna get hurt if I don't get my stuff back" and steps up somewhat to me. I didn't back down but I didn't step up because who am I to get into a rumble with a glassy-eyed stoner in the middle of a place of business. So I tell him I have to make a call and see what I can do to help them out. I call my boss's boss and he doesn't answer. I call my old manager, Mikey T, explain the situation and how I should tell this guy that I'm not giving him anything. His response amid laughter, "Tell him to go fuck himself! Does he want you to buy some pot for him? What an asshole." Big help, Mike. So, the great compromiser that I am, I give the ghetto trash the business card of my boss's boss who is an asshole anyway and tell him that I can't help him. So basically, I passed the buck to a guy that I hate and I got the burnout out of there. It was a giant waste of an hour for me. I've never been accused by anyone of STEALING THEIR DRUGS. It was a definite first. Fuck him. It's nice to see he's "helping his glaucoma" with infants in the backseat. Some people.

That's enough typing for tonight. In the weeks to come, I will have diatribes on tv, music, movies, the upcoming move to Columbus (get your ass moving, Josh), my fantasy football preview, and other sports topics.

2 weeks until Put-In-Bay for Wally and the Beav's weekend and Spieth's bachelor party.

One more thing, conrats to Steph and John Black on the birth of their son, Brayden Gregory Black...I am just going to say that the middle name is named after me eventhough it's spelled wrong and not my real first name. But it's a nice gesture you two. Best of luck. But that does mean no more "Steph is huge" jokes. Where will Glick's comedy come from now???